Written three months after loss

Tell me again how much you love me
But this time with less sadness in your eyes
I know I might seem distant
But I've been thinking about him

I know I might seem angry 
You might even have seen the tears
And red marks around my knuckles.
But I am not angry at you.

Last night was the first since before
That I cried without you
I even took a pillow to replace you
But I missed you all the same 

I know I look pale and thin 
But I've been eating, I promise
I've been eating for you
But it's difficult I admit

Most years around this time
Going back to school
That's when I would usually see him
Please, can you distract me?
Tomorrow can you take me out 
And tell me what to do?
I'm so tired of doing nothing

I like to think 
It would make him laugh,
The way I've been behaving 
I could have laughed him out of his sleep

But now things need to change.