A Day In a Life of Lemon

I constantly think about doing something risky, I have risky ideas - I think of going to the hairstylist and just shaving the sides of my head, paying with the money I have got, I think about getting a job just now and no time else just because I want to... right now, I think of becoming someone's literal slave so I don't have to worry about anything, I think of traveling to Cortez's and just managing my life, I think of buying my own apartment and living with Bobby, I think of leaving all my contacts hanging, quiting social activities and media and studying hard and learning swedish in an instant quite literally. Everything likewise keeps going through my head and I don't know what to do with these thoughts - should I try to fulfill them? Should I just let them slide? Should I write them down or tell them to someone? It's like I'm never calm, my mind is always trying to scare me or something, it's so uncomfortable. All that I pray for every moment is to be able to stay in the moment and not start thinking pessimistically. All that I want is to learn lessons and not have millions of questions I can't answer or wishes that I can't fulfill, it's like I'm living with a child in my brain!!!! Lemon, I know you want a lot of stuff, I know you do, but it so happens that I am a bit of a coward and I don't have the money, I don't have the motivation and some things just take time. I don't feel victorious, I hate admitting that I'm powerless... I try to survive through this shmiz every day and it's on my nerves, cause it's survival! Freaking hell!! I'm just thinking of adding more activities to my daily life like some clubs or a job actually, because I hate these thoughts. It hurts me even more to know that I used to be able to communicate with myself so easily on my own, I didn't hate myself. Now it's opposite, it's like I'm constantly having inner conflict. "What are you supposed to say right now? I dunno... What if you say he's stupid! No...that would be very mean...How do you know? Maybe it may feel mean to you, but they will find it funny... Who would find that funny now..." I keep on comparing it...it's like having a child, a 5 year old to be more precise... Cortez...eh... I at least wasn't very disappointed with myself this time, I handled the situation okay, I...hope I didn't offend him, I tried just not being head over heels for him this time...keeping calm and handling him with soft care, could compare it to moving an old porcelain vase with beautiful blue plant resembling drawings, I tried not asking questions, cause I feel like he is not fond of them...I answered after long times, an hour at the least... I also tried imitating him, the way he responds, things like this, but he still chooses to leave...it's not wrong, I feel very confused too, I don't blame anyone.