In and Out

The crisp smell of bacon drags me back to consciousness. I am reluctant to open my eyes. At the other end of the deteriorated, rundown trailer, either my aunt or my uncle is cooking. No one else really wanted me in their lives, and that was perfectly fine with me.

      I hate this place, but it's not like I would have had any other choice. I really would have preferred death; but that particular wish is not something I could express openly without winding up in a padded room wearing one of those white sports coats with the crazy long sleeves that secure behind me.

     With booze and pill bottles all around me, I was sure I could just end it in one big swallow. I became reluctant to do it because if I had failed... My bedroom was filled with boxes that reached up to the ceiling. They are filled with old family photos that were forgotten. The room was running rampant with dust and the corpses of dead insects. Be it ever so humble.

     I put on my brand new beige cargo khakis, and my blue Dickies t-shirt. It was my favorite shirt! I looked rugged and dirty, and was filled with thumb-sized holes. It was disreputable, and never favored by my peers. That could have been the reason why I liked wearing it in the first place. That was usually my general attire. I never did the laundry,  unless I felt like it, which wasn't very often. I realized that I needed new shoes. My Timberland Boots have reached their peak and the soles were starting to come unglued, plus the holes didn't help the condition either. I've had these shoes for years and they weren't even mine in the first place. I stole them from an associate of mine a couple of years prior to this day.

     I attempt to scurry my way past the kitchen, but with my aunt cooking breakfast, there was no way I was going to get past her. She insists I sit down and have a breakfast taco. Reluctantly, I sat. Waiting. Most of the words that she conveyed to me felt empty, so I just ignored her by playing the yes game.

"So, where you off to in such a hurry?"

"Oh, nowhere important. Just gonna go visit grandma."

"That's all the way across town! Do you have the gas?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine."

     I'm sure that there was more to the conversation than that, but my aunt is so longwinded that her words go through one ear and out the other. It was the easiest way for me to deal with people at that point in my life...... The breakfast taco I was given looked horrible. I was surprised that people actually eat them for some sort of nourishment.... At that time in my life, I was comfortable living the life of a hermit. I was never a big fan of people, or society in general. Drowning out the voices of people around me, allowed me to tolerate them.

     Out the door I go. I feel anxious to just get in my truck. It's a little four-cylinder, black Nissan. At the time, I considered the truck my pride and joy. I have had that truck in my life for as long as I can remember and I was surprised that the truck lasted this long without any major problems. I remember my grandmother and I would go to the parking lot of my school to practice driving. I probably gave the poor woman whiplash, due to the numerous times I missed the clutch. Since that time, she never was a passenger in that truck with me again. Good times.

     I slowly pull out of the gravel lot of the trailer park and stop into the Valero to grab some smokes and some munchies. I never really liked this certain gas station all that much. It looked pretty worn down and decrepit. I was never really interested with all the drug deals and prostitutions that went on there, but for some reason, I was always gravitated towards it. Even though it may have been a vulgar and repulsive place to many, to me, oddly enough, I felt comfortable there.

     I am now officially off! I putter out of the gas station and onto the highway with excitement! I was very anxious to visit my old friends. I missed them very much. They were from many different walks of life and I love that about them. What a rambunctious gang we were at night! I have spent many hours going anywhere I could possibly imagine and not leave the couch and be with my friends. To me, it was a way to escape from the cold, clutches of life and obtain an adequate level of peace.

     I'm almost there. The ride has been somewhat peaceful so far, with my head full of Led Zepplin and my mouth full of Doritos, I space out, thinking about the music and attempting to discover the meaning behind the lyrics. As I'm driving, I notice a small mall to my right. I remember a skate park that used to be there when I was a kid. Oh, how much fun I had! I never really skated or anything, I was too afraid. I would just sit on my skateboard and roll down ramps. I could do that for hours....

     All of a sudden, I feel something slam into my truck. Filled with immense fear, I turn the wheel in a frantic....Then everything goes dark.

     I wake up, but not in my truck. It's a vast, deep cavern, filled with water dripping from the stalactites, and surrounded by a soft patch of grass. It felt like it had rained inside this cavern. The moistness of the grass reminded me of all the times I would play in the rain as a child. Those were the grandest of times for me. I stand up. It feels so real, but for some reason, I no longer feel afraid of anything. All of my worries and fears left me. It is difficult for me to put into words, what I was feeling in that cavern. The closest word I would be able to use would be freedom. I began to look around some more and my eyes are fixed on a series of tunnels. I notice a glow that shows the sparkles of the water resting on the rock. I walk towards it, but the more I walk towards the glow, the more it escapes me. I don't chase it, I'm just pulled towards it. I get closer to the glow. Just then, I suddenly hear sirens.

     I wake up again and I no longer find myself in that cavern. I'm in my truck, dazed, confused, and very frightened. Some stranger is trying to keep me awake and I just ignore her. I gaze around to find myself covered in blood and everything smashed. When I notice that I am unable to move, I go into a panic. The stranger keeps asking me what my name is and where I am. The only words that leave my mouth are nothing more than frightening words of confusion. I can feel the firemen trying to pull me out of the cab. I don't budge. They use a tool I can only describe as a giant pair of needle nose pliers to pry the door open. The door falls and they pull me out.

     Without wasting any time, the paramedics put me into the ambulance and on the way to the hospital we go. The ride there was extremely bumpy. It was almost as if we were driving over rock piles. They still keep asking me questions only to be received with silence. The pain sets in and the shock is over. I've never screamed so loud in my life. My head is pounding, so I hold my head like something is trying to rip it off. I feel chunks of metal and debris and I panic again. I pass out and the darkness comes.

     I finally find my way back to consciousness. My family is looking at me like I was in a casket. They don't believe what they see, and quite frankly, neither do I. My fathers face is so pale, that it looked like all of his blood ran straight to his heart. I'm not sure if its because I lived, or that he literally thought I was dead. I'll never know for sure. Sometimes, when I look at myself in the mirror, I ask God why I was spared. Why I was so important in his eyes. I don't know if I will truly know why God decided to spare me. I know there is a reason and maybe I'm just not ready for that reason to be revealed to me right now. Oh, how I wish I could go back to that cavern. I was safe there. I miss my utopia. My freedom.