The Asshole Dilemma

Javon Smith

The Asshole Dilemma

            Someone once told me that when you get to the end of your high school career and when you get to college, that you’re going to question everything that life has to offer you. They were right. It’s my senior year at Whitney Young and it may be the most interesting year. I’ve learned things about different people that surprised me a lot, and left me wondering in my head. But one thing that has me thinking a lot this year, is whether assholes finish first or last. You’re probably thinking why does that matter, but this has a significant relevance in my life. Over the years I’ve been known to be the nice guy and to never treat a girl with disrespect. I’m starting to question has this method gave me the most out of my high school career. Well this method or personality of mine has left me with several dilemmas. I will fill you in, into the life and thought process of mine. I have broken a few hearts, and I have been down myself a few times. Everything that I will discuss will have a direct correlation with the question of whether assholes finish first or last.

            I remember the summer after sophomore year. I was training for track by working out with the cross country team. It was cool but I didn’t really like the people, but I was so dedicated to track that I would do anything to get better at running. The only thing that I cared about was running. I didn’t care about women, school, hell I didn’t care about eating (even though I have to eat), but that is how much I cared about track. The school year finally started. Prior to junior year I felt myself going through a change. I was shy, so shy that I didn’t even know how to talk to my family. Soon, I developed a sense of humor. I was funny. I was that kid that made people laugh, and because of that I gained friends and talking to people became smoother and I didn’t feel as much shy. This personality of mine carried over to junior year. I had a lot of friends and times became better for me. I had a lot of female friends also. I knew a few girls had interest in me but when track season came around, hardly anything else mattered. But one day, life at school for me changed. When you’re a junior, the one thing that everyone talks about is driving. Everyone wanted to get their license and be able to drive to school. But even though you may have your license, it doesn’t mean that your parents will either let you drive their car, or get you a car of your own. I received my license toward the end of track season. Word got around that I received my license, and that’s when life for me at school changed. Every day at lunch I would eat with my friend Andre, and seldom two girls named Faith and Jarea. A few days after I got my license, I went to a party. I didn’t drive there, I rode with a friend. At this party, I found myself sitting in a chair, and a girl sitting on my lap. I honestly don’t know or remember how it happened, but she was sitting on my lap. Her name was Breanna, and I could tell something was going on between us. I have never really talked to her before, but we became closer that night. She had a friend named Kalene who was also there, Kalene was my friend also, but she didn’t like Breanna sitting on me for some reason. “Breanna, there’s an open seat over here”, said Kalene. “I think I’m fine right here”, said Breanna. I just sat there and said nothing. I was angry at Kalene for trying to separate us but I was never the type to really yell at a person or anything like that. I was nice, and that was my weakness. The next week, I finally got a car. The worst thing in high school is having a car, and at the same time being a “yes” man. A “yes” man was someone who always said yes obviously, but they also never liked to disappoint anyone, and they wanted to satisfy everyone. Lunch was hectic for me. Since I drove to school, I was triumphed with the constant question; “Javon, where are you going for lunch?” There were about 8 people, but I only had space for four. I was in an awkward position because naturally I wanted to satisfy everyone, but I couldn’t. I told Andre he could come with me, and along with Andre came Breanna and 2 of her friends. Breanna sat in the front seat without even asking me, forcing Andre to sit in the back with her two friends, but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to be mean to anyone. Every day was the same thing. Those same 4 people rode with me, where ever I went for lunch. Some days even, I didn’t want to go anywhere because I didn’t have much gas, but because they wanted to go somewhere I took them, without getting anything. I was extremely nice but I felt myself getting angry because I was so nice. One day Breanna asked me to take her home. She stays far southeast and I reside northwest. Those are opposite directions of each other. I said yes once again. She didn’t give me any gas money and I was angry, but because of my personality, I would only think these thoughts and never let anyone know how I felt. I felt used. I felt like I gained friends only because I was driving, but I was just too nice. I was nice because I never wanted to hurt a person’s feelings, or gave someone a reason not to like me. But even being this nice, I still failed the goal of not trying to hurt someone’s feelings. Jarea had a crush on me for as long as I could remember. I didn’t like her at all but I never crushed her hope because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I would hug her   and allow her to walk me to several classes. But I hurt her feelings anyway. Because Breanna and I became a “thing”, that crushed Jarea and I knew it. I spent that entire year trying not to be an asshole so I wouldn’t hurt anyone, but I ended up hurting someone anyways. I was messed up in the head, and I felt that people took advantage of the person that I am. I wanted to become an asshole just so I wouldn’t have feelings or care about anything, but that’s not how I was raised. I treated women with respect and I never wanted anyone to talk about me how they talk about other guys. Junior year was a mess but senior year was even more convoluted. I came in with the attitude that I was going to do things for myself and not care about other people’s feelings. Football season was over and I was ready for track. But everywhere I went around school, I would only hear about prom and things like that. I had in mind a few people who I wanted to ask, and Breanna wasn’t one of them. People thought for sure that I was going to ask her, she even thought that I was going to ask her, but I didn’t. I really wanted to go with her friend Alexus, but I didn’t know if I should ask her because that would hurt Breanna’s feelings and that would make me an asshole. I was supposed to be thinking about what was best for me, but I guess it didn’t go as planned. I liked Alexus. I liked that she ran track and it was natural for me to make her laugh. It wouldn’t work because girls never talked to a guy that their friends liked, and I could tell that Breanna still like me. I was in a tie but I wasn’t going to let that keep me down. One day in the weight room the girls track team were in there along with us. Keelan and I were lifting together. We started talking to Alexus. I was messing around with her, but I said “Alexus, what color do you want to wear on prom”, implying that we were going on prom together, even though we weren’t. She said “Javon, you play too much”. She didn’t take me serious. Right then and there I realized that my sense of humor backfired. I was serious, I wanted to go on prom with her, but I failed. So at that moment I didn’t have a date. I was kind of sad, but I had to stay focused on track. I didn’t want to talk to any other girl. School became hard for me after a while. A lot of my friends around me were assholes and I knew it. I was nothing like them. I couldn’t understand how they would treat girls the way that they do and still sleep well at night. They lived easy lives. They didn’t suffer how I did. Missed opportunities, and suffering from frustration. They didn’t care about women; they would only get what they wanted from them, and then treat them like they’re nothing. That life was stress free and I wanted to try it. There was a girl who had a reputation of doing things with guys. She had an interest in me. I didn’t know why because I’m not the type of guy that girls like that usually go after. This was my chance to begin a new life, to not care about people’s feelings and just go with the flow. I started texting this girl every day, and we became cool, but there was one problem, she was Jarea’s best friend. We both knew that if we messed around then Jarea would be hurt. So in my mind I was thinking, I was thinking that I could be the asshole and hurt Jarea’s feelings because of my selfishness and wanting to be something that I wasn’t, or not messing with the girl and keep Jarea happy. I really wanted to be the asshole, I really did, but I didn’t have it in me. My friends told me that I “tweaked”, it’s a slang word meaning that I made a big mistake, but deep down I know that I didn’t. I had close female friends tell me all of the time how nice and special that I am, but this life comes with a consequence. The best way to live is stress free, but that life is sinful and selfish, and I’ve been on the other side for a while. I’ve seen several of my friends cross over and they are enjoying the asshole life, but I know that it’s not the right thing to do. I hear girls say all of the time how guys are stupid and they want a nice guy, but the next thing you know, they’re messing around with one of my asshole friends and complain about it afterwards. I don’t know, maybe I matured faster than other people, or maybe we were born this way, but I kept to my nice ways. I was without a prom date and I was on the look. I became close to a girl named Tyler. She was pretty and had a nice attitude. She was different from Breanna. Breanna kind of used me and she had a revolting attitude problem. Tyler was shy, sweet, and most of all, trustworthy. I admired her. Soon I found out that she had a crush on me. I wanted to take her to prom. I was thinking of a major way to ask her and I came up with a master plan, but there was a problem. His name was Jordan and he liked Tyler. He wasn’t one of my close friends but he was cool. I knew that Tyler didn’t like him, and she wanted me to ask her on prom. I also knew that if I asked her she would say yes, hurting Jordan’s feelings. An asshole would be content with asking her, not caring about what would happen afterwards, or hurting someone’s feelings. I wanted to be that asshole, but that wasn’t me, so I didn’t as her. My friend Morgan had a kickback at her house, inviting several of us over, including Tyler. While I was there, I met a girl named Simone. She was Morgan’s best friend, and she was cute. Naturally people love new faces, so we immediately had an interest for each other. We were all watching movies and everyone was struggling to find a seat, so some people had to sit on the floor. Tyler sat on the couch across for me. Simone didn’t have a seat, so she squeezed between Charles and me on the couch. She laid her head on my shoulders, and Tyler saw. I felt bad because I knew that Tyler liked me and she didn’t like that I was sitting with Simone, but I couldn’t do anything about it because I knew if I went to sit with Tyler, Jordan would be mad,  so at that moment the best thing to do was to just sit there. A few weeks past, and Simone and I decided that we were going to go on prom together, even though she didn’t go to my school. I felt that this was the best thing to do, since I wasn’t going with Alexus or anyone else. During the next few weeks of school, the same thing went on. My asshole friends spent most of their time playing around with girls’ feelings. Even though we didn’t think alike, I still hung out with them. See it wasn’t just my friends at school; it was also my friends at home. Assholes are everywhere, and I couldn’t figure out how I wasn’t caught up in that life, if I witness it every minute of my day. I was single. I was single because girls couldn’t take me serious or the time just wasn’t right, and because most of the girls that liked me were hurt by these asshole guys and knew I was nice and wanted to date me. I didn’t want to be a rebound, if a girl really wanted a nice guy, she wouldn’t have to get hurt by an asshole before she realizes what she wants. I was content with being single, because of how prioritized track was in my life. I don’t want to live with regrets so I put my all into track. I knew I wasn’t going to have regrets in track; it was my social life I was worried about. Every day, school was the same thing. We would joke around a flirt with girls. Some days I was happy and jumpy, and other day I was quiet. I just had those days where I think so much that I don’t have time to talk. I think about my life and the decisions that I make. People always ask what’s wrong because I’m not making jokes and things like that; I just always need time to be alone. I was stressed, and confused. The main girl that I like thinks I joke around with her, and the other girl has an admirer that will be hurt if we were to date. Being an asshole was looking like a legit option. Track and field saved me from being an asshole. It kept my mind straight and causing me not to have time to be an asshole. One day at school, things changed. Jordan asked Tyler to prom. I have no idea what her answer was, and I didn’t want to know, but I heard that they were going to go together. My friend Kalene is really close to her, and she knows how Tyler feels most of the time. I admit, when I heard about Jordan asking her, I got angry and jealous. Later on that day, Kalene called me. She explained to me how Tyler was sad because the person that she wanted to ask her didn’t ask her, and person was me. If I were to cancel with Simone and ask Tyler to prom, causing her to leave Jordan, it would make me an asshole. Kalene kept talking to me about how I need to fix this. In the past I always took the route of not being an asshole, so you would assume the outcome; but that isn’t how this happened. I called Tyler after Kalene called me. I told her how I felt about her, and how I wanted to go on prom with her. The next day at school she told Jordan that she didn’t want to go on prom with him. So that day it was official, Tyler and me were going to prom together. Now I had to figure out how I was going to tell Simone that I wasn’t going on prom with her anymore. I knew that I had to tell her myself because I would be an asshole if I didn’t, but I would be an asshole either way. 7th period I have economics with Morgan, and I knew she would want to talk about the situation. I walked into class and she starred at me walk in. I just say there and laid my hair down. A few minutes after the bell rang; she tapped me on my arms. I picked my head up. She said, “So I heard about you and Tyler”. I responded “yea, I feel so bad, now I don’t know how to tell Simone”. She said “It’s cool, I want to tell her”. I didn’t want her to but I didn’t care anymore because I was so disgusted with myself. I hated being the asshole. It felt so wrong and selfish. Morgan texted Simone and told her about the situation. Simone asked Morgan why did she suggest her talking to me, and she thought I was nice. Simone texted me, she told me off, cursed at me, and told me not to ever talk to her again. The next few days I kind of stayed away from people. I had the label of an asshole from a few people and I wanted it to die down. It did after a couple of days. Everyone expected Tyler and me to start dating. We became close but we didn’t date. We talked every day and got everything planned for prom. As we got closer, I started to regret the whole thing. Tyler was cool but she was really quiet and quite boring actually. I didn’t want to date her, heck I didn’t want to go on prom with her anymore either. At the time being I was just focused on track. It was possibly my last year ever running, and I didn’t need any distractions. I would just go to school, go to practice, and go straight home. It was time for the state track meet. It was a Thursday and we were leaving at 9:30. I was excited to get away and just spending time with my teammates. All of these things with girls were just starting to get on my nerves. When we got down state, I just loved the atmosphere. We went out to practice and then out to dinner. When we got back to our dorm, I went to my room. I shared a room with my friend Tevin and me, but Keelan was closer to me than anyone else. We always talked about girls and things like that, and when had the same problems. He was like me when it came to the asshole dilemma. He was a nice guy and we had similar stories. We talked about our situations and just got things off of our chest. Saturday morning came quick and we were all eager to get back to Chicago because Ontario was having a party. I just wanted to go because I haven’t seen all of my friends in a couple of days. The ride home was peaceful. I just laid back in the van, listening to Coach Billy’s playlist. It was soothing. I sat there and thought about all of the girls I had interest in, and all of the girls that I’ve rejected, and I couldn’t think of a girl that I would want to date. We got back to Chicago and I went over to my friend David’s house. He lived 5 blocks away from Terry so it was very convenient for me to go there. A few hours past and it was time to go. We met Erwin at the train stop and walked to Terry’s. When we got there, I was greeted by a lot of people, so I’m guessing I was missed. Music was playing and the party started. I walked around just to see everyone that was there. I saw Alexus. She looked amazing and I knew that I had to talk to her. She was with her friends Taylor and Kalene. Taylor kept coming on to me. She kept dancing on my and grabbing all over me. I kept pushing her off. It was awkward because Alexus was just standing there looking. I didn’t want Alexus to think me and Taylor had something going on so I walked off. I was standing in the kitchen and then Kalene starting to come on to me. I was irritated because I really wanted to be with Alexus. The party finally came to an end and I found myself sitting in a room with Keelan, Gabe, Kalene, and Taylor. Alexus walked in and sat next to me. We just sat there taking pictures. We talked and joked around. She grabbed my hand and started holding it. It was nice. I was happy because I didn’t have to be an asshole to sit there with a girl. After a while her ride came and she left. I went home that night wondering if I were going to try to date her or not, but I knew that I liked her. The next day I got on twitter. I always tweet about what’s on my mind, and I was thinking about prom, Tyler, and how I really wish I was going with Alexus. I saw Alexus make a tweet talking about how being single has become a norm for her and how she’s going to keep taking that road. I then tweeted how I didn’t want to go on prom. I meant it. I didn’t want to go because I wasn’t going with the person that I wanted to go with. Alexus “retweeted” me, implying that she didn’t want to go on prom either. I was mad. I was mad because after all of this time, thinking and being stressed out, I still found myself finishing last. I think that I’m the only guy I know that actually has a heart, but I get the bad end of things. I can’t win. I’m going through all of these things, and I see my asshole friends having to time of their lives. I keep trying to tell myself that I’m doing the right things, but it leaves me frazzled and waking up constantly in the middle of the night. I just question if being the good guys is best for me. I know that being the good guy is the right thing to do, but I can’t keep going through this. I thought sooner or later that I would prevail, but I was wrong, I ended up in the backseat of things. I haven’t decided if I would take this asshole route or not, but the person I am, has put me in horrible situations. I was never the type to try to be someone that I’m not, and I plan to stick that way, but I just want to know, if assholes actually win all of the time. Life has a lot to offer, and I have a lot of life to live. I believe that this is just a test for me, and I would soon realize that being the nice guy was the right way to go.