Behind closed doors

I went and did it again. I promised myself that I wont fall so hard, but we never learn, we are never good in taking our own advice, only dishing it out.

  It is in our own silence that we truly get to know ourselves, having nothing else to think about but to reflect upon our life and our decisions, our past, present and future. The doors that open, the doors that close and the doors better left unopened.

Endless hours of debate between the heart and mind, but there’s never a clear winner between the two.  The heart screams to take chances and to dare to love but it’s the mind that needs convincing. The heart so unstable in every way only seeks to be cared for, to be understood, the mind is a different story however, full of doubts, full of questions and expectations.

I never knew I could feel this way again, puzzled by the butterflies and the lump in my throat I soon realize that there must be a reason for all of this. Why am I feeling this way?

I have never been attracted to woman before, but for some reason I couldn’t shake these thoughts running through my mind like an endless marathon, almost like a hamster running on a wheel, not by choice but by adrenaline and emotion.

She was beautiful, sun kissed skin, emerald green eyes, toned athletic body and a smile that stays in your minds eyes for days, her hair silky smooth that glistened in the sun, and legs that will put a distance runner to shame. She walks with such confidence and poise, hands perfectly positioned and every stepped so beautifully timed. She must be an angel, a vision.

I first noticed her when she walked through the door of our restaurant, ever so calm, ever so relaxed, like the world is her oyster. She knew how to make an entrance without actually noticing the effect she had on most people. Men and woman would stop to stare at her. I can imagine how an actor or actress must feel when they enter a restaurant, but she was no actress, just an ordinary person coming for an ordinary meal at an ordinary restaurant.

I was too shy to talk to her; I often looked at her, maybe waiting for an opportunity to pluck up enough courage to go up to her. What if I choke, what if I resemble a red tomato and dying a slow death as I stood there swallowing my words and whishing I was dead rather than standing in front of the most beautiful woman that I have ever seen in my entire life and making a complete fool of myself?

Finally I thought of something brilliant, I would write down my personal number on the bill and hand it to her personally, while making intense eye contact and a smile that clearly says I am in to you.  As I slowly made my way to her table I carefully and ever so gently handed her the bill, and made sure I softly touched her silky skin as I handed it to her, she politely smiled at me and paused as she took the bill from my sweaty hands. Right about then I was about to faint but from somewhere the words: ‘’ we give 20% discount on birthdays and if you would like to make a booking in the future you can just call my number that is written on the bill.”  What an utter lie, but it would be worth every penny just to see her again. Very politely she said thank you and gave me a smile that melted my heart and made me weak at the knees.

It’s been weeks since I have seen her and yet I cant get the memory of her out of my mind. Every time that door opens I secretly wish it were she, just to be able to talk to her, or even just to see her again.  It was almost 10pm when I got this phone call from an unknown number and hesitantly answered, wondering to myself whom it could be at this hour. She wanted to meet up for coffee to discuss a future dinner/birthday party for her and her friends.

The next day couldn’t come soon enough as we met up at a famous coffee shop near the restaurant, we easily spent over three hours just talking about everything and anything. It was so easy to talk to her; the conversation just flowed as if we have been friends for decades. I could see she felt the same way. 

After locking up at the restaurant I got another phone call from her, this time she wanted to meet up for drinks. I met her at a nice homey pub just down the street from the restaurant. She came dressed very casually, but dress to kill nonetheless. I felt slightly under dressed standing next to her, but who cares anyway. She wore the most beautiful black dress that fit her stunning athletically toned body like a glove, every step she gave her calf muscles would pull in a small little ball just begging to be admired.

She spoke like an angel, a heavenly voice that makes you hang on every word she says, with such intelligence, charm and wit it was hard to keep my thoughts away from what it must feel like to kiss those soft moist lips.

I walked her to her car and as I leaned in for a hug she came in for a kiss instead. My world stopped, time has stopped, and nothing and no one mattered, just her and me.  No words can ever describe that kiss, it was perfect in every way, and I have fallen for her.

Days and hours felt like eternity, I haven’t seen or heard from her since that night. Endless questions running through my mind, did I do something wrong, should I contact her, what if I am not good enough for her, she maybe met someone else or worse, what if she is married?

Finally the day came of her booked birthday party, I cant say I was not looking forward to it, but a part of me was secretly hoping and whishing that she would’ve cancelled. I felt somewhat rejected by her, who kisses someone so passionately one day and completely forget about it the next. I kept staring at the clock on the wall, waiting patiently for her and her guests to arrive, when suddenly I saw her walking through the door with her husband in hand and smiling and greeting me like we are just acquaintances.

My heart sank deep into my chest, if I only knew then what I know now. I felt betrayed and used.

I walked back to my office and sat there in silence, emotionless I stared at the closed door, the one I should’ve never opened.