Carried on Pain

I'm understanding for the first time ,
after 30 years,
what a  tragedy I really went through!!
But we just carried on!
As though nothing had happened !
Just carried on !
then boom 4 years later I got married .
at the age of 18 ( which was my blessing in the sky. )
And then carried on again!
Then I went to a 2 year college because I couldn't make it anywhere else!

I was a horrible student in high school so I had no chance of being accepted any where.
I just wasn't studious
And I really didn't care and neither did anyone else!
But we carried on!
Although I graduated FIDM with honors. High school was a different story.
You see ....
my mother had died at age 46 from something called breast cancer!  I was only 14?!
What the f**k is breast cancer I thought when I found out she has it.
I remember seeing her go to the bathroom and was very fast to close the door so I wouldn't see.
But what's breast cancer ?! I would think.
I didn't know why, when she would take off her shirt, she would turn around so I wouldn't see!
But one day ... I saw!
i saw what i wasn't told about and wasn't suppose to see.
But I saw.... !!!!!!!!
she has no breasts!
Wowww!! What the hell?
That's when I found out what breast cancer is!
Two boobs gone! with scars running across.
Quite a nasty seen for a young teen age girl to witness!
Especially when there has been no discussions about it no explanations. Nothing!! And then boom!!
But you see, we all continuously just carried on!!
Whatever hurt my heart, !, I just carried on!
I never felt that i had a right to hold the deep deep pain that was in me. That was mine! that i had the right to feel what had affected me! Maybe even infected me. Maybe caused sickness in me and needed attention as though it needed medication ,
Needed healing because it was so hurt.
Nope!! I carried on!
Thinking that's what being strong is!!
To just pass over pain and carry on.
Bypass pain and carry on!!
So I did .
Then after that!!  boom !!
My 6 year old neice!
The favorite of the family!
The one who was born after my mothers death,
And ... Was given my mothers name Lillian!,
Got hit by a car and died!
And guess what we did!!
We just carried on!!
All of us except the mother of course but everyone else carried on!!
And now we had to just carry on under the excuse that we need to be strong for them.
So again no feeling of any pain!
No acknowledgment!
No release.
No love to the part that hurts and is indeed in need of attention at this time.
No thing!
Just carried on!!
Never allowed myself to feel the pain , caress it , live it , acknowledge it! Love it!
feel it!! And then free it and let it go!
Carrying on was the thing to do! The right thing to do!!
But now, tonight for the first time, with a heart filled with compassion for myself! After 30 years, I realized why I had hardened my heart!
The pain was too much!
Because no one knew that the marking of life changes, need to be felt,  Dealt with! Understood !  Processes! And let go of.
Otherwise it will never leave our sight and will cause the pain to come out in different ways , with different people and in different life situations!
We all do this to ourselves one way or another.
We think its the right thing to do to just stuff our pains! Act like we are so strong carry on but never give that pain in ourselves the attention it needs !
And make excuses as to why we have to let go of the pain! And carry on.  
Well, we truly can't let go of the pain if we don't even look at it or acknowledge its their and shine our love and light on it so it could bask in godliness and slowly disappear!
Resolve!
We never give our pains the credit it deserves for out of every pain, if felt with properly, will for sure come out a gift !
I'm grateful for where I am in the process I call life right now!
I do feel as though its a scavenger heart ( hunt) waiting for me to discover it.
As I heal my heart, I heal others!
My heart is filled with gratitude!