Child abuse

My childhood memories are filled with love and thought about with fondness until I turned six. Everyday after school I would come home and stay at our neighbours. She was a lovely lady like a grandmother to me...she had an older son who always use to work outside in the garage fixing cars. He was my idol...the older brother I never had. I use to come home,change out of my clothes and disappear outside to go watch him work. One day doing the same,full of childhood eagerness and inquisitiveness I went outside....like I always do.....Except this day was not meant to be like any other....was the start of what would become a terrible,shameful and pain filled childhood. 

I was standing in the garage with him,as usual...asking a load of questions about what he was doing to the car. The smell of oil thick in the air. I remember his hand always stained black and dirty full of car oil and grease.He proceeded to work on his motor...answering my questions....he walked around towards me.....stopped in front of me....then bent down so his face was level to mine...I remember him saying something to me but its vague...all I remember is that moment would change me for the rest of my life....as a daughter,a wife and a mother.....

He reached out to me...I trusted him so did not move....I remember him lifting my dress...and placing his hand into my knickers. I was petrified....I remember his hand with the motions....the smell of oil and his disgusting voice saying to me: You like it don't you ...if feels good doesn't it? How long it went on for I cannot recall...but it felt like a lifetime....I remember just rubbing my eyes as if to just not see what was happening....petrified and sobbing......

After his use of my tiny body I didnt know what to do so ran home in tears....sobbing....The days that follow are a big blur of pieces and flashbacks....i remember telling my parents about what happened....mum went around to the neighbours but I am not sure what happened or what was said. I never stayed over in the afternoons and never say either the mum or son again.

As the years have gone by....I have been abused by only people I know....grandfather,uncles,cousins ect the list is endless. As a woman today....I am broken....I dont feel whole and to trust is a very big issue for me. The only good thing that ever came out of my childhood abuse....is that I swear that no one will ever do that to any of my children....I wont let it lie...like mine did...I wont rest till there is justice....and for dam sure....I will always,always believe my children....

As a wife,a mother and a woman....I will never know what I could have been....because of people who felt the need to soil a young childs memories and make them feel shameful and dirty.....

Deep inside....I still am a woman .... but a broken one...who always wears a mask.......