Day 1-

Few people are aware..I bought her funeral dress at a consignment shop....when I was with her. And I knew what I was getting it for.
Few are aware how these thoughts eat away at me and how lost I sometimes am without her.
 
Day 1-

It seemed surreal to get the news. I sat there and cried until it didn't feel real. I thought of selfish things...like how much I would miss talking to her. I thought of how she is my best friend. I sat and watched her every breath...come in...and move out. Thinking of how many times before I'd been afraid to go to sleep, or afraid to try and wake her. I remember when she was young and seemed so happy and full of life. I wondered if she had ever really been happy then, or if I was just too young to see the sadness. I didn't know, and it didn't really matter now. I thought of how she just tried to disappear. She told me, "And now this is all that's left of me. This is all they get. There's nothing left to take." And I am just sitting here losing my mind wondering how this is her life. I'm so sad for her. I just want to climb into bed and hold her, like she's done for me many times. I listen for every sound in case something doesn't sound right. And she wakes up and tells me, "We're gonna win the lottery and we're gonna go places, big time." Everything about me crashes inward and I kiss her head as she falls back asleep because...she didn't need to win the lottery, she should have had everything. I wish so much that she'd had a better life and I am just sick sometimes that this is it.