Different

"Oh he's beautiful!"

I had exclaimed as I gazed adoringly at the brother of my sister's friend and at thirteen experienced my first taste of those most human of hunger, that of need, lust, longing and
desire.  I gawked at my friend's sister's boyfriend adoringly. I could not stand her, how the hell did she get him. She's two years older than him for a start, he's fourteen. What does she think she is a milf or a cougar or something, state of her.

Samantha's staring at me quizzically a smirk on her face.

"Oh no not you as well, I have to put up with her constantly mooning over
that yoke and now you've only gone and joined his fan club."

What's she talking about? can't she see what we see, he's perfection. Eyes
deeper and bluer than the ocean, blond curls, our babies will be
gorrgggeeeous. I look over at them holding hands, gazing, giggling and
I'm consumed with the most heart-wrenching, all consuming feeling
of jealousy. The only colour you could paint me right now is green, snarling, biting, snotty green.

Days later and I'm in my new spot across from Oliver and Agnes making sure nothing untoward can happen, nothing that he should be doing with me, that is.

"Well, Kim we going out or wha?" I look at Samantha as if she's ten heads what could
she possibly offer to tear me away from drowning in envy and staring at
this adonis.

"I suppose we better since that's why I came over, by the way what is stuck-to-Agne's-face like superglue's name?"

"Oh, Ollie, Oliver something like that begins with O anyways, I don't care, I'm sick of the sight of him."

She's got some visual issue I never knew about how could you be sick of the
sight of Oliver, will never call him Ollie sounds like a cute labrador,
but he can call me whatever he likes I'll pant after him like a cute
labrador, Ollie the panting labrador if he wishes. Better than my real
name in anyway which is Kimberly, yeah I know get it outta your system
just like the biccie, Ollie and Kimberly uggghhh, but Oliver and Kim not
half bad, if I says so meself lol.

Were out playing curbs with Ronnie and Paul, well physically I am but mentally I’m conjuring all sorts of plans to get closer to Oliver.  I see Ronnie nudging Paul and
Samantha and miming signals and sneakily pointing at me. 

“Oh, Kim, she’s lovesick, pining away for Aggie’s fella” makes retching noises “pass me the sick bucket.” 

I’m scarlet don’t think it’s possible to get any redder from the
embarrassment of my first crush been mocked in such a way and pure
anger. 

“Get lost Samantha you haven’t a clue.”

She realise's she’s went too far and comes over and hugs me how is it possible to
love and hate someone so much at the same time.  Ronnie’s looking at me
weird his face is gone a funny colour and he darts his gaze towards the
ground when he notices I’ve noticed.  Oh this day is just too complicated I’m going home.  I say my goodbyes and walk trance-like home my head full of Oliver.

Slam the door and remove my coat at the same time a skill I don’t even think about anymore. 

“Your back early everything ok?”

“I’m fine, mom, extra homework”  as I run upstairs.  Throw myself on the bed and then a quiet knock on the door.

“Back to do homework, is everything ok?”

“Geez mom yep that new history teacher is a terror doesn’t let us away with anything.” 

“Alright then fish-fingers and chips ok later, I have my table tennis so fast and tasty.”

“Cool.”

Great, she’ll be out for at least two hours, gives me time to come up with a
plan.  I get pen and paper and two lines Agne’s cons and my pros. 

Agnes                                                  Me

Stuck Up                                             Adorable

False                                                    Natural

I stop pen in mid-air and run to the mirror.  Who am I kidding, she’s an
'I know I’m  fabulous 16 year old' and I’m a scuffed trainers, mud on
cheek kind of girl.  He’s never going to look twice at me.  Dejected I
open my closet door, ripped jeans, casual t-shirts and more trainers,
that’s the extent of my wardrobe.  What am I going to do mums a single
parent, money’s short at the best of times, her new going out is the
table tennis, that’s when you know things are bad, no pub.  Mum had
suggested I’d need a bra soon and I’d scoffed at her, but now standing
sideways she’s right.  Two bumps how had I not seen them before?  I’ve
seen Ronnie and Paul sneaking glances at Agnes when they think were not
looking.  Eureka, light-bulb over head moment, make the most out of
these budding beauties and Oliver will soon be mine.  What else has
Agnes got, make-up, I’ll rummage through mum’s stash later, it’s not
hidden, I’ve never bothered before. 

“Kimmy, dinner.”

Kimmy what a ridiculous name to call me but every since I’ve banned Kimberly
she’s taking to calling me Kimmy I sound like a gerbil, how hard is it
to say Kim. 

“Kim, will be down in a minute, mum.”   

I hear her giggle and give an exasperated sigh but we both adore each other, I
just try not to let her know lately, I’ve been practicing my scowl. 

Sauntering down the stairs as if I haven't a care in the world and if I did would
be soooo unbothered to investigate it, I don't want any questions this
evening. Grab the ketchup and deposit a big dollop on my plate and loads
of vinegar and guess what stomach does a loop-the-loop and I can't
touch a thing.  Me, who loves my food, so much they call me the bin,
can't even put the fork to my mouth.  The questions begin, "are you ok,
what's wrong, some-one picking on you, is it your womanlies?"

"Noooo, mam I'm fine just worried about my homework, I'll be fine when it's
done, stop blathering on."  See, when I noticed my boobs I also noticed
my little pot belly, small but there, Agnes would never have a pot
belly, bet she'd be nine months gone before anyone knew. 

"Can I be excused, really want to get it done, I'll clean up after, you go get ready."

Oh way, to go Kim, now she's more suspicious than ever when did you willingly ever offer to do homework and clean.

"If you're  sure your fine but if this keeps up I will have to go see this history teacher, there's such a thing as too strict."

"I know mum don't I live with you."

I giggle as she pretend slaps me and instead kisses the top of me head.  I
make a big deal about putting my earphones in she knows as soon as
there in there's no point bothering me I won't hear her. 

I'm doodling love-hearts with Oliver and Kim inside them all over my history
copy, I wasn't making it all up, I really did have history homework but
right now can't see beyond Oliver's eyes.  Hear the door close, she's
gone, operation transformation here we come.  In mum's room, smells all
girly and has pretty things scattered here and there, actually smells a
bit like Agnes but nicer.  Wow, mum's make-up drawer has so much stuff,
who needs all this, eye-shadows, bronzers, tweezers - can't imagine what
there for - lipsticks, a veritable feast for the eyes.  I take out one
of everything and deposit myself in front of her mirror in what I
consider to be my best ladylike pose and get ready to become Agnesfied. 

I'm just about to finish a top layer of mascara when my phone starts
buzzing.  Damn, a big blob right in the middle of my eye, for flip
sake.  It's Ronnie what does he want, he never rings these days it's
always just a text about what were doing the next day or school stuff. 

"Hi what's up?"

"I'm outside can we talk?"

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah just want a quick word." 

I forget about my face in the shock that he's rung and that he's outside.  His face is a picture, one that I couldn't draw.

"What are you wearing?" he asks incredulously. 

Oh I'm scarlet, I reef him inside and tell him to wait in the sitting
room, put the telly on.  I run upstairs and no wonder he was stunned my
cheeks are two round circles of bright red which in my mum's muted light
looked pleasantly pink but in the bathroom glare shockingly scarlet. 
The lipstick is a horrid purple colour and I have black what looks like
ink streaming down my face.  I giggle uncontrollably remembering
Ronnie's face when I opened the door.  What was I thinking? this stuff
is not me, not yet anyway.  The dress which is swimming on me does
nothing for my boobs would have to grow another three cup sizes for it
not to be hanging of me in that area.  Shout down to Ronnie that there's
coke in the fridge if he wants it he's been here a hundred times he
knows where everything is and get back into my uniform, jeans and
trainers and wipe the ridiculous stuff of my face.

Breeze into the sitting room as if nothing untoward has happened and he says "that's much better there's the Kim I know."

"So what you want to talk about." 

"You and Oliver, you need to leave him alone, all this makeup and moodiness it's not like you Kim."

 "How dare you who do you think you are?" 

"Someone you've known for ten years and one of your best friends for at least five."

"Did Samantha send you?" 

"Yes, she heard Aggie and Ollie talking and sniggering about how you traipse
after the two of them, and she didn't know how to tell you so she talked
to me and now I'm talking to you."

"Agnes and Oliver are their names and she's never had a problem talking to me before."

 "She said she did and you told her to shut up, started crying and stomped off." 

Oh the shame I did, I'm mortified, I plomp onto the sofa and start crying,
yet again, me famous for being the tomboy of the street,
bloody bawling.  Ronnie doesn't know where to put him self stands their
shuffling from one side to the other.  Next minute he's over beside me
hugging me, did I imagine or did he actually just kiss my forehead.  I
jump up as if electrocuted and ask him to leave, I can't even look at
him. 

He apologises and says "Kim, I'm crazy about you, have been
for well over a year now, and it was me who made Samantha talk, because
I've been eaten up with jealousy, and couldn't stand you mooning over a
bloke who doesn't give you the time of day." 

"You've never given the slightest inclination that you cared about me that way."

"I have you just have never been able to see, your my best friend, but your more than that, I adore you." 

"I need you to go, I can't process any of this right now, and my mum will be back soon I'll ring you."

"Talk to Samantha, please, she's upset, were all your friends Kim, we care." 

"Will do, bye."

"Aren't you going to walk me out." 

"No, you know the way, it's okay, I just need thinking time, talk to you soon."

I sit on the edge of the sofa until I hear the door close after Ronnie. 
What just happened?  Has the world gone mad? Ronnie just said he's crazy
about me and adores me.  Ronnie, who I've known all my life, he was
like the brother I never had, he practically lived here for flip sake. 
When did he stop coming, regularly, when did things change?  I run back
upstairs to mum's room ignoring the mess I've already made and get down
the photo album, Ronnie and me, Ronnie and me, Ronnie and me.  Ronnie, 
Paul and me, Ronnie, Paul, me and Samantha.  I scoffed at my mum keeping
all these, my friendship book she called it. My phone's vibrating, it's
a text from Ronnie, says he's sorry didn't mean to spring it on me like
that and he hopes we can stay friends.  Stay friends, it's unthinkable
that me and Ronnie would never be friends, I start sobbing again, what's
happening to me?

Right Kim, pull your self together and get off this bed right now.  She'll be home soon with 101 questions if you don't get this place sorted.  I put all the make-up back in what I think is the right place, and the dress back in the wardrobe, but the album's
coming with me, she won't miss that, it's a take down once-a-year type
of thing.  I escort it to my room and fling it on the bed and run down
stairs to clean up the kitchen, I really couldn't take any questions
right now maybe I should get the make-up and  plaster on a smile.  I'll
have to ring Samantha and find out what she knows, and Paul, quiet,
stand-in the background, smitten with Samantha, Paul, what does he
know?  How did I know he was taken with Samantha and not got a whiff or
some inkling about Ronnie, maybe she always knew like I knew about Paul,
how come this never came up in conversation?  Well it is open house
now, and let the shit hit the proverbial. I start smiling I realise it's
been a good half hour since I picture Oliver and me holding hands and
sharing ice-creams and now it's Agnes I see smiling adoringly at him,
like it should be, what had I been thinking? Who did I think I was to
interfere with the two of them, I was an annoying flea in their ear one
they wish they could swat.  I've a lot of explaining and making up to do
starting with Samantha, I've been a bitch to her.

"Samantha" greeted by silence.

"Samantha it's Kim I'm so sorry I've been a gobshite, can we talk?"

"You mean your not mad with me for talking to Ronnie."

We both giggle simultaneously "No, but we need to talk about that, and I may need to talk to Paul."

"Why do you need to talk to Paul?"

"For the same reason Ronnie had to talk to you, see ya at the shops tomorrow, about seven."

I hang up before she can reply, turn off my phone,  let her stew in her own juices for a while.

I decide Paul is not Ronnie or me, he's so quiet and naturally shy, I
think he'd run a mile, I'll tell Samantha and she can handle things
herself.  I know Samantha's out this evening as I was meant to go to a
concert with her I've more important things to sort out, I hope she's
gone with Paul, he might make some sort of move if their on their own. 
I'm at her door shaking in trepidation about what sort of reception
Agnes is going to give me and hoping with everything I have that Oliver,
Ollie, whatever is not there.

"Samantha's out, or did you come to drool over Ollie." 

"Truthfully, if was still yesterday I'd probably be drooling over Oliver, but I've
come to make amends if I can and ask for your help."

"I'm intrigued, come in, what's up?"

I told her all about Ronnie and how I've been made to look at him in a
different light and it's a good one. I always thought of him as my
funny, lovable mate, who's always been there, but now I see him as the
good looking, kind boyfriend he could be.

"Okay, but what can I do for you?" she says with a smile.

Agnes is smiling, the world's going to collapse, don't think she's every
smiled at me, just tutted at me and Samantha in annoyance.  I'm learning
too much, information overload, it was us who never gave her a chance,
wow, what a few days this has been.

"I was wondering if you could maybe give me a little advice on grooming this thirteen year old tomboy to look ready-for-her-first-date teenager."

"Oh, what fun, of course, right first things first let me see those nails.  Agnes is going to sort you out."

I once again sit at a dressing table mirror and try to look ladylike, and this time I really am getting Agnesfied. 

"No, no, no dresses are out, Agnes, where not there yet."  Images flashing
before my eyes of my earlier appearance in a dress.  "No bloody way."

"Yes, I will try on the cute, pink top, but not with that skirt, thank you."

"Right you've a smaller foot than Samantha, I bought these pretty flats for her, but they wouldn't fit, give them a go."

"Have you no trainers?"

"Kim" she sighs exasperated, "we've already given up on the nail varnish, and a dress."

"But"

"No buts, madam, I've agreed with you on the make-up, you don't need it, but the shoes I insist on."

My nails have been filed, eyelashes have been curled and my hair trimmed
and straightened, she's finally going to let me look at myself. 

It's subtle, but there's a change, I look like a super clean me, and I love the hair.

"Oh, Agnes, thanks a million."  I hug her without thinking, and she responds, my, my, it's a strange new place I'm living in.

The doorbell rings, I jump, bet it's Oliver.  Now I'm red for a different
reason, shame.  Agnes comes back Oliver in tow and he winks and says
"looking good."  My stomach still does a somersault probably always will
be around Oliver he's breathtakingly handsome, but not for me, I wink
back.  Agnes says "Were going to love and leave you, were off to the
pics, why don't you ring your mum, get something out of the fridge and
wait for Samantha."

"Is she gone to the concert?"

"Yep, Paul and her left hours ago, bye."

Just put down the phone and Samantha's doorbell goes, there not due back for
a good hour, who on earth, can't take many more surprises today.  I
skip to the door maybe it was crap and there home early, who's standing
there only Ronnie, cute, adorable, dorky Ronnie and he look's edible.

"Hi, Kim, can I come in?"

"How'd you know I was here?"

"Oh an Oliver arrived at my door and said there was someone here who needed
to see me right away.  Agnes tittering behind him gave me the
impression it was Samantha or you and here I am. Love the hair by the
way, suits you."

"Thanks, do ya want some coke, Agnes said to help myself while I wait for Samantha."

"No, I'd rather we go for a walk and maybe get something in mac's on the way back."

"Oh, okay."

I try to sound nonchalant but my stomach is doing flip-flops and there's
violins playing over my head.  This is my first date, with my best
friend, what more could a girl ask for.

I lock up and leave the key with Samantha's neighbour, and off we go.

I'm sneaking sly glances at Ronnie while were walking, he looks more grown up somehow, broader. 

"Kim?"

"Yes."

"Have you thought anymore about what we talked about?"

 "I haven't thought of much else."

"And"

"And, I'm here, amn't I?"

He sighs, and it's irresistible, I move over and take his hand.  We smile
and it's like we've always been this way, it feels right.

"So what's the story with Samantha and Paul?"

"Paul, took a leaf out of my book, a leap of faith, he asked Samantha could he
go, since she had a spare ticket because of some stroppy mare called
Kim."

We burst out laughing, I didn't mind, I deserved it, and if he couldn't take the piss out of me nobody could.

He pulls me into an all-consuming bear hug and kisses my nose.  I look up
quizzically, and he says I've the cutest freckles he'd ever seen and can
I wait awhile or give him fair warning before I attempt to cover them
up again.  I nod and just look at him, staring into those deep hazel
eyes, and we kiss.  A long slow, exploratory kiss, and it's just heavenly.

We never did make it to Mac's just strolled, and kissed, and giggled and slagged like old but different friends. 

I've started a new photo album for just me, my eyes only, and the first pic
is from my mobile over me and Ronnie's head as we snog.

The second pic is from my mobile over Samantha and Paul's head as they snog. 

Transistion year is looming an ugly head for me and Paul, the other two brainboxes
are skipping it, said they've already planned to go onto college so
don't need another year in school.

Its our gang's first little break up, no more passing notes in class or throwing rubbers at each others head, were well past such things.

I still don't know whatI'm going to do when I leave school, but it will be something arty farty

as Ronnie says, he wants to be an accountant, I'll count his figure any
day. 

 Everything's the same but different, and right now, I like different.

The End