Drowning in the thoughts of you

It feels like everyday is a balancing act, as soon as you think you are well balanced and on top of the world, believing in your foundations that nothing can shake you. Then it happens…

Life has this way of throwing you a curve ball when you least expect it, like a warm backhand through the face, one that stings for days on end. The purple blue color on your cheek will forever be a lasting stain on your memories. One that no amount of therapy or pills can fix, not even time.

Inside every woman lives a little girl, one that still believes in the magical, we secretly still believe in fairies, riding our unicorns and yes, that once in a lifetime true love and fairytale endings.  Often we feel too much and fall too hard. Some girls have found that once in a lifetime love that they will grow old with, but unfortunately for me it takes a bit longer. People say I should keep a list of what I want and in time when the universe thinks its time then it will be given to me. The only problem is that with age that list becomes longer and longer, what stared out as one or two qualities is now almost a 200-page novel.

You came from another world I swear, the ones we only dream of, everything was fine, we were both happy and nothing could shake us. Like childhood friends we knew each other’s most deepest and darkest secrets. Carving out our names on tree’s and whishing upon falling stars, we were inseparable. Or so I thought.

You told me you are going to meet up with her for a week, you guys dated a long time ago and remained friends for long thereafter. I had to work, but if I could I would have gone with, I should have gone. I believed everything you said, that she means nothing to you, that your heart beats only for me and that you will never do anything that will hurt us or jeopardize our relationship. Like a fool I believed in every word you said.

It only takes one person to change our life.

Your behavior has changed; I could feel something wasn’t right. That feeling you get in the pit of your stomach right before something bad is about to happen, yes that inarguable feeling, that feeling that gives you goose bumps and makes your hairs at the back of your neck stand erect.  As if it’s warning you to run or fight.

My worst nightmare came to life the second those words fell out of your mouth, I wish to this day that I could have picked up the words and somehow stuff it back into your mouth or at least turn back the hands of time. You slept with her.  An ice-cold feeling came about my body, almost like you are jumping off a cliff into icy cold water, within seconds your whole body is frozen, even your heart feels like it stopped beating, in that very moment I wish it did.

I stood there in silence, the warm tears on my face starting to run down like raindrops on windows, each one so perfectly timed and leaving a trace for another to follow. My lips started to quiver and nothing but empty sound came out. I didn’t know what to say so I turned around and never looked back.

The tide is coming in, lying still as waves come crashing over me, floating effortlessly on this bed of salt as the tide takes me deeper still. I am slowly slipping, slipping into the darkness that surrounds me. Going deeper and deeper. Drowning in the thoughts of you.

I guess now we would never know what could have been, your disloyalties and unsettling ways your biggest downfall.