Eventing, my fear, my dream

I live for the thrill I feel when I hear the announcer say my name,often incorrectly,and my horse's name too. To hear it makes the whole competition feel real. With that excitement comes the fear. Fear and all my insecurities come swooping out of nowhere, rattling around my head making my gloved hands tighten on the reins, wet from my horse's nervous sweat. Instantly the calm horse and rider partnership that sailed through our dressage test is gone, replaced by a shaking fool of a rider and a tense unpredictable beast. The transition begins in the warm up for the showjumping, with every buck,bolt,refusal and cat leap, I can feel our natural instincts kick ik,  he is a flight animal after all. I desperately cling to my composure, but it's too late.

The buzzer goes off,  our round has begun, as soon as we move into canter it all feels wrong, too fast, too rushed. I over check my highly strung horse, making him fight my hands harder. Where has our friendship gone? The jump looms, too big, too wide. My horse increases the pace and slams on the breaks, knocking my confidence even further. Second try, we're over. We end the round exhausted and shocked, how did he save us both so many times, where did my riding go?

I dismount, loosen my girth and walk back to the lorry park feeling upset and shaky. My sweet gentle horse is back, and I know it's not his fault, the fault lies with me. If we go showjumping we're fine, it's just when we go eventing that the showjumping turns into such a problem. Maybe it's because I care too much about the eventing.

We have a break before our cross country, a bit of time for me to gather my racing thoughts and try not to beat myself up about messing up our chances once again.

In the start box for the cross country I remember why I love this dangerous and nerve wracking sport, I remember why I spend hours working just to get the money for the entry fees and transport costs, I remember all the early mornings,the blood,the sweat and the tears, and I know I'm not messing this up. 

My horse skitters and freaks but I'm suddenly cool and confident, there's a reason why cross country is my favourite part of eventing. As the judge counts down 3,2,1 and go, my horse and I move as one, galloping towards the first fence. All our power and courage united and focused on the dangerous task ahead. 

The round was perfect, a fraction to fast but so nearly perfect. I can't wipe the smile of my face! The round of applause and the pats we receive are just an added bonus! The showjumping is not forgotten completely and will haunt my dreams but one day I will do it, one day I'll conquer my fear, one day I'll win.