The Girl Who Drowned in Bliss

Have you ever felt like you were slowly suffocating? Your throat felt like it was swelling while you coughed and gasped for the air that seemed so reluctant to come. I know that feeling. Releasing rough splutters of coughs desperate to clear a passage for much desired air only for the attempt to fail and end in a violent wave of gasping as if my life depended on it; it became a routine, almost expected, as if it could be ignored, as if there was nothing to cure me of this nuisance. I found escape once, by mistake. I remember it clearly because it was strange yet it felt amazing. I was still suffocating, in the shower. The hot water flowed freely down my back as I sat underneath the persistent pounding of the water against my back. I was still gulping large amounts of heated air making it difficult to breath, but it was something else entirely that intrigued me. The pressure in my throat was gone, the swelling subsided, and for once in over two years I could breathe. I could take a breath without it being labored and a cough following the sharp intake. The happiness I felt was enough to make me laugh but all that would come out was a deep intake of air, sweet steaming amounts of air and a small foreign smile to appear on my lips. A thought ruined it all. Everything must end, including my moment of relief. I didn’t want to leave. I never wanted to leave the seeming enclosed space that was the old, white bath tub that had mildew covered tiles. A small haze started to cover my eyes. I wanted to relish in my new found freedom a little longer. Just long enough to remember what it felt like to really breathe; to remember the feeling of the weight melting off of my shoulders. Every salty tear I’ve wanted to shed ran form my face and sought refuge in the tubs drain, but by then they were long forgotten. Every fight I’ve ever been in with my family floated away like steam that surrounded me now. For a moment everything evaporated from my mind. The haziness quickly turned into a dull throb in my bare chest and throat, but I foolishly ignored it. Never had I discovered this method of escape. Never had I discovered the costs of this escape. Until now, it wasn’t long before the throb transferred to my forehead and my vision clouded over. If only I had realized what was going on, what danger I had exposed myself to I might have… I would never know what really happened that day. My vision went black then nothing. I felt like I was floating, getting lost in the utter darkness that engulfed me. I couldn’t feel anything but regret yet at the same time a sense of freedom washed over me. Though I could not hear nor see, it wasn’t for what I assumed a while before a light came into view. It was the same bathroom, nothing had changed except for a few items were missing. Everything that was missing was mine. My face wash, my towel, even my tooth brush was gone! The tub was still yellowing over from mildew along with the ceiling and the mirror that had three compartments that popped open to reveal a cabinet. I was stuck reliving that bitter sweet memory, I knew I was not alive. I couldn’t be, if I was i would remember something else right? Something other than the moment I was fooled into freedom not only from my burdensome breathing but from life, I didn’t want that, not yet.  But it looked like I had no choice, I was dead, nothing could change that. I had accepted that by now, at least I think I did. I don’t know, for all I know there is a corpse or a jar of ashes somewhere, and I would never know, I would never see the sadness that had been bestowed upon my family, plaguing hundreds of people. I wondered how they would explain my death. Suicide? Accidental Suicide? Was there a difference? Either way I am dead; I rack my mind for basic information but come up blank, things like my address and hobbies were lost to me. Now it seems all I know is that the bathroom is my new home now. The home of the girl who drowned in bliss.