Is God lost?

Religion like everything else in the world has it's good points and it's not so good points. My first time in church that I can remember was around the age 4 as a flower girl in a wedding. Off and on, over the years I have gone to church; Sunday school in the morning, the main service, choir and sometimes second service after a most delicious dinner made by the sisters in the congregation. Many people started their careers by singing in church so there is a lot of good in having a church to go to where you can receive guidance when needed I learned a lot over the years from the many different church mothers and sisters of the churches that I attended from New York to California. I do my best to stay away from church politics and drama but it's the religious part of church that has just left the worst taste in my mouth. I cannot dispute whether the bible is truly the word of God but I can say there are many scriptures that have helped me over the years; a few in Psalms, Proverbs, my favorite in the book of Mark etc.

There just never seemed to be a clear cut way to not be a sinner. In the eight or so different denominations that I tried over the course of my life, this one thing never changed; I was always going to be a sinner because of what Eve did and I just could not swallow that bitter pill any more. How are you supposed to feel good about yourself as a human being if no matter what you do, in the eyes of God you're always going to be a sinner? The fear that ran through my nightmares as a child were always about going to hell, getting out of hell, sitting in hell, running through hell and I was just tired of the idea of hell. Most of the time when I was being condemned to hell was because I had told an untruth. It didn't matter if it was done for the right reason, if I took something because I was hungry that didn't matter, when the beatings stopped it was always followed up with "You're going to hell if you don't change". When I asked if God could heal me so that I could walk again, the result of a car accident, I was told that "healing only took place in Jesus' time" but I distinctly remember reading that God was the same today, yesterday and forever, but I digress.

While I don't  lie if I can help it, unless it's going to hurt someone's feelings, or steal now that I'm an adult, but the vestiges of those conversations from the pulpit didn't stop haunting my thoughts until I stopped going to church on a regular basis. Did this mean I was no longer going to be a good person? Was I going to start cheating on my husband or abusing drugs? No, actually I did none of these things. What did happen is that I stopped being judgmental towards those who either didn't go church or not of the same denomination as I was. I may not tithe anymore but I do give to charitable organizations plus I stopped having a narrow view of how my children should live their lives according to organizational guidelines.

If I ask you if you believe in God and you tell me yes that should be a reason for us to have a conversation about our shared beliefs. It should not be a reason for me to try and convince you that your beliefs are wrong and that you should abandon them to come over to my side. Since God is love then I shouldn't hate anyone regardless of the color of their skin, height, gender, religion or sexual orientation, but for about 17 years I was affiliated and belonged to one denomination that said people who loved someone of the same gender were an abomination to God. I could no longer make sense of this belief on the one hand and tell people at their doors on Saturday morning and that God loved them on the other.

There are times when I miss the social aspect of church, you know getting dressed up and going in the front door and hugging everybody and saying hello but there are things that go on in church that are more worldly (by church definition) than stuff I see going on in the world. If bad associations spoil useful habits then it only made sense to no longer associate myself not just with my former denomination but with religion period. I will visit if I'm invited for a special occasion but it's really weird how when even I hear preachers preach on television or on the radio an overwhelming sense of dread comes over me that almost puts me into a state of depression and I have to turn it off. The last denomination taught that children shouldn't go to college but serve God. Possibly this idea would have worked before maybe the 18th century but not in today's society and definitely not for an African-American man in my opinion.

There was a time where I thought I would be in church for the rest of my life and now I can't see myself as ever being a part of an organization again. I didn't think for myself when I was a part of the last denomination I read the bible, I read the literature and all of my thoughts and opinions were based upon their teachings and not my own heartfelt ideas. Again I restate that religion probably has it's place and offers good in the world but maybe its okay for me, as an individual, to no longer belong to any particular one. So does this make me a bad person, because I no longer believe I need to be a part of a religion? If you have to force someone the way it felt that I was forcing my children, family and friends to be a part of an organization just in order for me to be loved by the God of religion, somehow that's not the god of love that I gravitated towards in the scriptures. I believe in God and I love God but somehow I've just outgrown a need for religion in my life. My children have formed their own relationship with God and some of them go to church faithfully, but I'm glad that I backed off and allowed them to decide for themselves what they needed in their lives. When I was making my final decision to leave, I was told that if I left the organization that God would somehow remove his protective spirit over me and that I would somehow be a wide open vessel for demons to attack me, but since that didn't happen I'm really glad I made this choice. Some have said to just take the good and leave the rest or to remember that God uses imperfect people to put out his perfect message but somewhere the God of Love has been lost in the translation.