horsing about

my brother Dave, one year younger than me, he was always getting into trouble, with nothing to show for it .When  me and our Dave were younger I would have been about twelve. We were living in Peterlee at the time, we used to sneak out of the house in the middle of the night and go to the other side of a large playing field, a bloke used to park an old single decker bus, he always left the keys under the seat. We used to take it on joy rides around the empty country lanes, but that’s not why I’m mentioning it .because that’s another story ,no this is about the night we went up to get the bus and saw a bunch of horses in the field next to it ,there was me our Dave and bobby who was another Nutter like us .Lets ride em we all said at the same time ,me first shouted our Dave ,  and started up onto the fence before we even had a chance to say anything else about it ,get them to come over so I can get on one Dave said, I  grabbed a hand full of long grass and held it up. What do you say to a horse to get it to come I asked bobby I don’t know try here boy, and click your mouth like your trying to get your dog to come in, so I’m standing there in the middle of the night with a hand full of long grass. Shouting here boy to a bunch of horses while my younger brother is shaking perched on a fence getting ready to jump onto a horses back. There are no saddles, no rains and not much hope of this ending well, but here we are two of the horses start moving towards me, as they get closer I can see how big they are, these aren’t just my little ponies these are what I know now as dray horses it’s about seven or eight feet to the top of their heads. They are huge, I want to run and I’m on the other side of the fence, not perched on top of it, leave it Dave just leave it if you fall of you’ll break your neck. Bollocks shouted Dave, I’m going to ride one if it kills me, the horse got closer and closer. I could see Dave shaking more and more he was crapping it, but there was no way he was going to let us know, then horse reached the fence, Dave saw his chance grabbed a handful of main, through his right leg towards the horse, he was almost on. Yeh shouted Dave I’m on. It was a bit too early as it turned out. He should have waited before he started to gloat, the horse turned its head to look at him for a second then grabbing a big chunk of the material from his jeans between his legs pulled him back off and up ,he was dangling from its mouth legs waving backwards and forwards and screaming  aaarrrrhhhhhh loud and really, really high  pitched we couldn’t even talk let alone stand up to help him and the more he screamed the more we laughed ,then suddenly we heard what sounded a bit like a zip opening ,we looked up and saw a small tear in his jeans he was gripping both sides of them desperately trying to stop himself being shook out of them, now in between shouting aaarrrrhhhhhh he was shouting my jeans , my jeans ,the tear opened up a little more the horse was swinging him from side to side and shaking its head ,bobby was slapping the ground, tears were rolling down his cheeks. I was on my back with my legs doubled up, my arms folded across my stomach trying to stop my muscles hurting from screaming with laughter, each time we heard another ripping sound we laughed louder and harder and Dave shouted louder, which made us laugh even more, the ripping sound got longer as we looked up a ribbon of jeans material started to move across and up Dave left buttock getting wider as it went ,as it tore it sort of flicked Dave from hanging upside down to a horizontal position, facing the ground suspended by a long strip of jeans from his waste .Finally the horse shook its head again gave a sort of snort and dropped him with a thud, he rolled under the fence and after checking he was alright, and managing to stop laughing long enough to say sorry for not helping, we set of for home. No bus ride tonight I guess said bobby half laughing, bobby and I were still smiling at each other on the walk home, trying not to laugh out loud because Dave was still fragile ( he he ) and walking like john Wayne, he kept pulling the front of his jeans down like they were stuck, and his left buttock was sticking out through the rip in the back and waving at us as he walked, his nick name was the lone ranger for weeks after.