I am not my past

I can feel the seconds passing by, each passing second becomes louder and louder, tick...tick...tick. I have been lying here for hours, if not days, my reality has changed, my life…

I am drowning in my thoughts, slowly slipping away from all that I once knew, all that I once was. I can feel something inside of me pulling me down, like someone has chained my legs together and with everything inside of me I am trying, trying hard to swim up, I am just too exhausted to fight anymore. I need help.

Trying to cry out, to scream, but all that comes out is air of desperation, gasping at the emptiness that surrounds me. On my knees praying desperately for God to take my life now, I cant live like this anymore; the pain is too much to bear. I have stopped eating, stopped having fun, and stopped being me.

Its dark, and the only light shining is the light from my alarm clock next to my bed, counting down the hours, as I lie awake, night after night.

I have read many stories about self-mutilation and how it supposedly numbs the emotional pain, I am tempted, tempted in so many ways to try it out. Just a small cut, just to try it out and see how I feel afterwards. So it begins…

I ran to the kitchen, desperately searching for something sharp, a knife would suffice, but not too sharp, I just want to try it out, not bleed to death. Not just yet.

I start with just a small cut on my arm, not too low for everyone to see, high enough to still be able to cover it. I am scared, doubts fill my mind, hands and body starting to shake, I need to do this for me, for my sanity.  I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and started to cut.

I woke up the next morning with dried blood on my arm, my clothes, and my bed. I was smiling again, smiling at the fact that I actually managed to fall asleep, smiling just because I was smiling again. I soon found myself cutting more regularly, what stated out as once a day became twice a day, if not more. It really did work, I was happier again, or so it appeared to be. I became a master at hiding my emotions, hiding my scars.

It was the worst at night, when all heavens go dark and left me alone with all my demons. The shadows that move effortlessly from the one side of the room to the next, nightmares that would wake me up in the middle of the night just to find myself drenched in sweat. Voices inside my head wouldn’t go away, thoughts of suicide became more frequent everyday, until it was the only thing on my mind.

Crying myself to sleep every night, pretending to be happy to all that asked. I was living a lie. The worst of it all was that I was lying to myself, I needed to change, and I needed to break these chains of bondage.

I slowly, gradually started re-creating myself, finding my identity through sport and friends. I found the meaning of love in close friendships and still often think back to those days, those days of darkness and depression. I am who I am today because of that, it made me a stronger person and made me realize that you are not your past, you are your future, you are what you dream of becoming.