I Love to Hate You.

Dear Diary #369 I Love to Hate You.

Margot is in a playful mood. She’s quit flip-flopping from hobbies and fads, (the yoga has stayed far longer than her other pursuits), and has now settled into the fact of being herself, which is a new experience for her and myself. It’s early days, but the signs are promising yet challenging.

“We should—,” she started to say before changing tack. “I mean, you should go out more. Join a group. Break your routine. Be yourself more.”
“I’ve lived a lot thanks, and my routine is there because I need it. You know all this,” I replied without consideration.
Furtive glances were shared but failed to fill the awkward silence which needed to be filled.
“And be myself more? What does that even mean?”
Margot was painting her toe nails whilst doling out her sage like, life-advice. 
“I like the colour. Blue’s my favourite. You have the cutest toes, Margot,” I said, the segue as smooth as sandpaper.
“Don’t change the subject,” she replied. “You’re like a clitoris, ya know,” she continued.
“A…clitoris? Hmmmm?”
“Yeah. A bundle of nerves, overly sensitive to the slightest touch…excitable by the merest provocation. A suggestion isn’t criticism, you know?”
She stretched out on the chaise lounge, becoming a starfish. The yoga pants she was wearing were so cloying that they accentuated her feminine curves and creases.
“But it is criticism. And suggestions I never asked for. Anyway, I’m happy to stay as I am. Why change for the sake of? If you want to go out, join groups, ‘be yourself,’ I’m here for that too. Just don’t include me in your radicalisation.”
She sighed. “You make me sound like I’m brainwashing you, like I’m some sort of hate preacher. I’m not, nor have I ever hated anyone,” she sighed again, but heavier.
“But you have,” I said, leaning into the awkward space between us. “You—no we—know you have, don’t we?”
She gave a look. A look that says don’t say what you’re going to say, but I did.
“You are the one person I know that has more self-loathing than I. That’s hate, isn’t it?”