I wish I had died that Night

It is true that you should marry your best friend. And so, I was all set to marry my best friend. The only problem was that I never told him “I love you”. He must have said it to me a million times, but I never said it back. I regret not telling him that I loved him, I still love him and will always love him ….only him. I wish I had died that night .They don’t let me die in this mental asylum.

I still vividly remember him. His body structure was godly. He was the kind of face that would stop you in your tracks. I guess he must get used to that, the sudden pause in a person's natural expression when they looked his way followed by a cool gaze and a weak smile. Of course the blush that accompanied it was a dead give-away .He was so modest with it, it made girls fall for him all the more. Despite all the distractions around him, his eyes looked only for me in the crowd. I felt quite proud of that.

The best thing about Arjun was that he never demanded anything from me, anything except my presence. And the feeling was mutual. I have known him since we were toddlers. Our families got along very well. They had unofficially arranged our marriage, to which the both of us agreed.

I used to share every little detail of my life with him. When I needed advice he used to say, “Go do whatever in the hell you want to, you want to kill someone? go do it, I’ll clean up your marks .Just listen to your heart and remember I am always with you.”

I knew he loved me and he knew I loved him. But whenever he said I love you , I felt guilty , I had this undying fear that if I told him I loved him he would change or take me for granted or I don’t know people say that being in a relationship changes everything and I liked how things were, I didn’t want change. I used to plead him not to tell me that he loved me and he always said, “I’m expressing my feelings, it’s your problem that you don’t express yours. And trust me babe, you are missing out.” (Followed by a nasty smirk).

Little did I know that I really would be missing out everything. I always thought there is time for this, we can be in a ‘proper’ relationship in the future, he’s not going anywhere and neither was I.

After our graduation, he and I decided to take on different paths. He wanted to study further and I wanted to start working. I accepted the first offer I got and so did he. I was very happy the day I got employed. I would start of in seven days. I wanted him to be the first one to know. I messaged him.

AYUSHI: I have something really important to tell you, meet me ASAP

His reply came almost immediately.

ARJUN: Yeah I gotta tell you something too…your house 20 mins???

I wondered what he had to say.

AYUSHI: yep…waiting :)

I shoved the phone in my pocket and ran downstairs to the front gate. After a while he came, looking as handsome as ever in cream cargo shorts and black polo t-shirt, messed up hair. I blushed.

He came up to me, I had not even finished saying ‘Hi’ ,when he grabbed me by my elbow and pulled me into the house , up the staircase , into my bedroom, shutting the door behind and ordered me to sit down. I was in shock the whole time.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” I asked, rubbing my elbow to ease the pain that he gave me from his grip. He didn’t reply to me, he was pacing around in my room, and looking angry as hell.

“Arjun”, I called him, very politely. He didn’t respond again.

“ARJUN!!” I exclaimed loudly, I didn’t mean for it to come out so loud but I was getting frustrated.

“What!!??” he shouted back.

“Tell me what’s going on?”

“I got into London Business School, I-uh-I am going to London.”

He said it as if he was very pissed off with that. I was confused, if you got selected in London Business School why would you be pissed. Why was he pissed going to London, he always wanted to go to London. Then it clicked me, he is leaving me, he is going to London forever, leaving me here in India all alone. Fear started to build up in my heart. Tears started to roll down automatically, I wanted them to stop but they just wouldn’t stop.

“No, no, no, no Ayushi please don’t cry, you how I feel when you cry”, Arjun said, kneeling down in front me and wiping off my unstoppable tears.

I looked down at him, his eyes were watering, and he was holding both my hands with his one hand and the other one on my face.

“When did you apply to London?” I asked bluntly  trying to pull my shit together and being bold.

“I don’t know, it’s been a while, may be two months back.”

“Why wasn’t I aware that you applied?” pulling my hands off from his hand.

He got angry when I pulled my hand, when he tried to take them back and I didn’t let him, he got angrier.

He shoved all his anger to the side, and said, “Please Ayushi, don’t make it harder than it already is”.

“Then don’t f*****g go!” I shouted at him, pushing him and walking away. I could not stand his face.

He got up, came to me, turned me around (I didn’t look at him) and said, “I have to, I hate it, but I have to”

“Are you here to break up with me?”

“NO! Are you mad, I love you I would never leave you.”

“Well you are!!!”

“I will be in contact with you all the time, don’t worry baby, I will never forget you”

He pulled me into his arms, hugged me tight. My tears still were not ready to stop. His phone buzzed, it was his mother. He didn’t pick up the call.

“I have to go, lots of packing to be done”, he said, wiping off my tears.

“What!! When are you leaving?” I asked in shock and anger.

“Yeah, um, don’t be mad, I am leaving for Delhi the day after and I have a plane to London the next day”

“What, you’re leaving now!!” I pushed him, rather hardly, “ it’s the middle of the year , sessions don’t usually start before August or September, why are you going six months early?”

He didn’t say anything, he didn’t have any explanation, and I knew he was hiding something from, why didn’t he just say it. He tried to come close to me, to hug me, to calm me down, but I kept pushing him away and hitting him. He started crying. If he felt so guilty of leaving why was he leaving me? I was feeling confused, sad and angry all at the same time. I couldn’t handle it.

“LEAVE! I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR STUPID FACE”, I screamed at him and pushing him towards the door.

He saw the anger in my eyes, he mouthed I Love You and left. Within a minute, it occurred to me, what have I done, I need him. I ran out the bedroom towards the staircase, he had almost reached down.

“Stay with me, for the night”, I said, “please”.

He quickly climbed up and gave me a hug and started crying.

The guest bedroom was always ready for him to bunk, but tonight I was not going to let him off my sight. We spent the whole night in my bedroom. My parents didn’t even know he was in with me. We talked all night. We also kissed, for the very first time and the very last time. We cuddled through the night. It was the best night of my life.

When I woke up, he wasn’t beside me. I didn’t remember falling asleep. I glance at the clock, it was 1 PM. I cursed myself for sleeping in all morning. He had probably left to finish his packing. I made a quick plan, to get dressed into something nice, something he would like, go over to his place help him pack and then spend the rest of the day having fun. I told myself that I wouldn’t cry today, I would farewell him happily, he is going to live his dream, I should be more supportive.

Within half hour, I showered, wore his favourite salwar suit, he adored me in Indian attire, applied minimal make up and went to his place.

When I reached, the gate was locked.

I banged the gate hard and called out for Arjun. The watchman jogged up to me and said, “Madam, Madam, Arjun Sir left early morning with his parents and his brother”, he handed out a paper to me, “Sir told me to give this to you”. I opened the letter that had Arjun’s handwriting and read it.

Dear Ayushi,

I love you so much; I will always love you, no matter how far I am. I’m sorry I lied to you. You wouldn’t let me go if you knew the truth. It’s something I have to do. And when I’m back, we shall get married first thing, and have lots of babies. You are the most amazing person in the world.

Take care. I will miss you

Yours and only yours forever,

Arjun

P.S: I left you a gift with the watchman, don’t forget to take it. I am wearing a similar one. You miss are officially engaged to me.

The watchman handed me a small box wrapped in pink with a bow on top. I opened it and it had a white band gold ring. It had ‘Arjun and Ayushi forever’ beautifully engraved. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I smiled at the letter and the ring. I immediately wore it and it fit perfectly. I then dialled his number and called him. It was switch off. Probably in flight I thought to myself. I went back home half happy, half sad.

Days passed by, I didn’t receive any message or call from him. I didn’t have any way to contact him. I had locked myself in my room, crying every time I thought about him. A month later, I got a mail, it was not from Arjun’s email ID, but the email address had his name. I opened the mail.

Hi ayushi, hope you are doing fine. I miss you. I am fine as well. I will be back in two to three months. See you then.

Love Arjun.

I became very happy and excited. I ran down stairs to my mom to tell her this. She too had become happy and asked me to show her the mail.

“Thank god he is coming back, he took away my daughter with him, now she is coming back”, my mother said, hugging me and kissing my forehead, “let me go call your father and let him know”

I smiled and nodded at her. I read the mail again. It was weird how small the letter was, he could have written some more details. If he had to contact he could have called or messaged me. Why use obsolete methods. Why create a new email when he already had one. I looked at my ring; I thought to myself he is coming back why do I care how he told me, at least he told me.

I replied back to him in a long email, complaining. I wrote to him every day. I waited for his reply every day. Years passed by, he didn’t come back nor did I receive a reply for any of the mails I sent him.

It was four years that day since he had left me. I had moved on in my life, but I did not forget him. I still loved him. I still missed him. I still wrote to him. I still wore that ring. I still told everybody that I was engaged to him. I still do and will, even after my death.

I was out with my friends at a restaurant for dinner that night. I got up to use the washroom. I pass by this table where a couple was seated, I paused, and I realised that I recognised that man. I turned around to see him. It was him; it was Arjun’s brother, Akshay. I did not hesitate; I went to his table and said, “Akshay, Hi! it’s me Ayushi, I was friends with your brother, well, uh girlfriend .”

“Ayushi, yes I remember, how are you?” said Akshay, looking surprised.

“I’m fine, where is Arjun, is he back from London, he didn’t tell me, he never replied to mail nor did”, he stopped me before I could finish.

“Are you free now? Can you sit down with us?” he asked politely. I looked over at the women sitting opposite to him, she gave me a weak smile and I looked back at Akshay with a confused look.

“Oh yeah, this is my wife, Meera, Meera you remember I told you about Ayushi?”

“Yes I do, Ayushi why don’t you join us?”, Meera said.

Meera scooted over and I sat down beside her. A waiter came over to the table shifted Meera’s plate and laid down a fresh plate for me.

“The plate is not required, just pour me some water”, I told the waiter and he obliged.

“Well?” I asked Akshay.

“I don’t know how to tell you this Ayushi, but I think it’s time you needed know”, he glanced over at my ring, and said “you’re still wearing his ring?”

“Yes I never take it off, but what is that I need to know?”, I said, bluntly.

I became a little worried; Akshay and Meera’s face had become very serious and intense.

“Arjun never went to London.”

“WHAT? What are you talking about he told me he was going to London, he got into the best school there”, I practically screamed at him.

“Calm down, let me explain, Arjun ha-had Brain Tumor, we went to Delhi for his treatment. The tumor was very large and the doctors could not resect it. His body could not handle the chemotherapy anymore. He tried to live Ayushi, he fought hard. Your emails were the only thing that kept him alive. For a whole year he fought the tumor, he had eleven surgeries and each surgery made it even difficult for him to live on further. He never woke up from his last surgery. The doctor declared him brain dead. It broke mom and dad, they, they were”, he could not say anymore, he had started to cry; he got up and ran towards the bathroom.

His words rang in my ears again and again. My tears were rolling down since the moment he told me Arjun had Brain tumor. I could not digest the fact that my Arjun was dead. And that he was dead long back. He had the tumor when we kissed. He probably already knew. He never told me. He knew I would be devastated. My heart started to ache. I could not breathe. Arjun was dead, that’s all I could think of.

I got up from my seat in disbelief, Meera got up too. She was saying something but I couldn’t hear her. I walked to my friends table, they were laughing at something, and when they saw me, they immediately stopped laughing. I looked at each one of them; they were saying something, probably asking why I was crying. But why couldn’t I hear them. I felt as if I was in a silent movie.

I turned towards the glass door with the small Exit sign, I saw Arjun standing there. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I screamed “ARJUN!!”

He wasn’t looking towards me and he probably could not hear me through the glass door. But it was him at the door. I rushed at the door to get him. When I got out on the street, he was nowhere to be seen. I looked for him, I called him out. I finally saw him standing on the other side of the street. He was facing the other way. I don’t know why he was not responding to me. I stepped out on the road. I was so happy. Akshay lied to me. Arjun was alive. It was all a trick. I am going to tell him I love him. I told it to him in the emails. But now I will tell him on his face. I almost reached him, when I saw two lights coming towards me from the left, and then everything went black.

How much I wish to have died that night…..