'It'

‘Oh fuck, what the?’
The only time I wanted to fail a test ‘Change, now this minute’ I turn around and swivel abruptly to catch it unawares, changing, laughing at me, but no, still there, still positive.

Pregnant at my age 45 how ridiculous can I be. There’s more of a chance of me getting run over by a bus, or collapsing of a heart attack, which if I don’t calm myself RIGHT NOW might just happen.

How do I tell him? Him who gets stressed if he can’t find the charger to his phone, who has a nervous breakdown if we run out of milk, what do I say. We do it once a month if I’m lucky, I have a low libido but his is even lower, he pulls out for christ’s sake. He stops being in a rhythm just to do the rhythm method. This cracks me up I laugh hysterically. ‘Stop’ your in the loo in work you don’t need the sack on top of this. You have to pay for ‘it’. ‘IT’ what a word, to me unfortunately, this will never be just an ‘it’ and if ‘it’ had came ten years ago I would have been over the moon. But, it didn’t, I can hardly move my shoulder on a good day. Oh crikey, were too old for this.

One more look, sneak up on it, no, still the same. I’ll go to the doc tomorrow he can have a good old laugh since last month he was testing me to see was I going through the menopause, hang on, maybe that’s it, it’s a false reading, changing hormones or something. Alarm bells can stop pealing uh uh what’s this, what’s that disappointed face in the mirror. Stop those bloody tears, you silly cow, you know your too old, stop dreaming. I deposit the test in my bag, wipe my eyes and plaster a smile on my disbelieving face.

Get through the day only looking at the thing every half hour since I wanted to sit it on my desk and stare at it. Ring the doc’s while waiting for the bus home earliest appointment I can get is 6 tomorrow evening, 6, crikey, that’s a long time to hold my tongue.

I’m only getting around to the other fella now, my 26 year old baby, what’s he going to think and say. I always joked that I’d wait until he was old enough to babysit but this is just mortifying. His dad died when he was just a baby and for so long it’s been just the two of us till I met the hubby.

Back to the hubby, fairly new, 2 years. I waited until middle age and think I’ve made a mistake. He was probably my mid-life crisis. Cracks are starting to show big-time and now this, this isn’t the plastering we need. Suddenly, just like that, my decision was made, if this is fact, and I’m pregnant. I’m leaving, going somewhere new, saying nothing to nobody, just disappearing. I couldn’t stand the pitying smiles, the at her age nods. I’ll have to tell the men in my life, of course, my son is still not working or anything so think he might enjoy pastures new, the hubby well I’ll leave it up to him. I still love him, but how long will that last, he doesn’t seem happy these days. He can just get up and leave for 4 hours on supposed trips to his married friend, who I know he hasn’t seen in months. I think he’s chasing his own demons.

Here’s my bus, going to shelve this until tomorrow at 6, chance will be a fine thing, but I’ll try. The bus goes over a bump and I immediately, protectively place a hand on my stomach. What a turnaround I want to take it out now, sneak up on it and hope it’s stayed the same, positive, no change. My hubby whether we work or not, I know will be a good dad, this will be his first. I’m not ready for the menopause, I smile knowingly, the doc’s test is now a foregone conclusion also is any discussion with hubby. ‘It’ is going to be so loved, and if needs must I’ve been a single parent before, I can do it again, just with a lot more patience this time.