Love and Fear

What do you know about night terrors? NOTHING.

You tell me that all you do is toss and turn in the midst of tonight, but I’ve barely slept in days.

I’m not mean, I’m just tired. When you don’t know anything but the art of war, how do you try to put up a white flag?

If all I know are harsh words, how do I coax a dove into eating a crumb from the palm of my hand when my skin is thicker than gravel? I’ll smile, but inside I’m slowly wasting away. Fear eats at me like a moth through that old blue, spotted coat stored away for years in the attic; never touched, but forever there.

Fear is a whore. She lies with you for a night, leaving you at the edge of your seat, sick in love. Then she’ll leave you to plague some other hopeless soul and steal them of their sanity. All is lost once you’ve lost your mind, you know. And just when you think you’ve recovered, she comes back and seduces you again; over, and over again.

She has a sister and her sister is love. She whispers sweet words of affection, “do not rid yourself of me, my love”, she says. “I am always here. Waiting for you to find me”, she says. “But I can’t see. It’s too dark”, you cry. “Then feel, my dear”, she says. “Feel your way out of this darkness. You still have your senses. You fear the dark because you can’t see. Feel”, she says.

You slowly make your way out of the darkness when you see a light – and there she is – as beautiful and pure as a dove, her hand outstretched. But suddenly, fear grips you by the collar and begins dragging you back into her bosom of black acres far and wide, the echo of your footsteps on the dry leaves and the howl of a wolverine somewhere not far from here. You look for love, but it’s too late. You had something sweet and rare, but you let it slip between your fingers for the love of fear and her wicked spells over you.

 She makes you feel safe, safe within your fear. You swore you’d never return to her, but you’re all alone in the wood and the sounds of death surround you like the million voices in a cave bouncing off the walls that answer to you. When you are with love, you laugh at the voices and converse with and entertain their mischief. But when in fear, they mock you. “Help me”, you yell. “Help me, help, me, help me”, they mock. “There’s no one here”, they say.

You’re all alone, again, making love to a wicked one. “I’m a sweet little lovely gun”, says fear as she laughs at my failed attempts to pick myself off the ground. “PULL THE TRIGGER!” she shrieks out laughing like a banshee in the glen and pushes you back onto the soil. She is the only form that would kick you when you’re down. She’ll kick you right in the teeth. She’s pull the teeth out of your mouth just to watch you gargling on your own blood. She’ll eat a banquet of niceties and throw you the bones and the potato peels. She’ll strip you down and whip you and leave you to writhe, on the floor, trembling. That is fear. Fear is security. She wraps you in her blanket and you cannot see. She doesn’t let you live, be free, experience, try out new things or fall in love with any other kind of person.

Love, she is everywhere. Her colours are endless and she never overlooks a single soul. She never leaves anyone behind – she loves all who love her. It is she who will sneak upon the clock of midnight through the kitchen window to feed you and clothe you. She cares. She appreciates. She is honest, but never judges. She hurts. But her hurt is clean and her blood is rare and it is sweet. Love is my little vignette, my French settee. She is my olive garden in the summer and she is my wine press. She is the laughter of little children and the woof of the neighbourhood dog. Although fear set your sanity on fire and now you are burning, she is the only light for miles upon miles like the faint yet heart-warming glow of the local street lamp. Love is stronger than anything anyone could ever comprehend. If you feel this, you are with love. If you are warm, you are with love. She is why you go to sleep with a smile regardless of all this, all this. “Please love me again”, you whisper to the shadows when suddenly appears She, the codeine and your minds safest retreat. “You’ve come back”, you exclaim, as you spy her golden glamour. “No darling, dearest one…” she says as she caressed your face and left a soft kiss upon your forehead, “I never left”.