Love me like you don't

You went on holiday. When you went away I wanted to kiss you goodbye, yet I didn't. We text for the first day and I stopped hoping, praying you would change your mind. Days past as I started to recuperate my emotions and rebuild my barriers I knocked down for you. You would send me snapchats, I wouldn't reply.
On the inside I'm screaming, on the outside I'm pretending I'm not affected, I don't care. The day before you return you message me, that ruined me, destroyed me as these emotions I'm trying to beat down resurfaced, yet I'm glad they have.
We talked. We laughed. Then I cried. I end the conversation so I can just pretend all is well, pretend it didn't burn, pretend that I haven't thought about you each night and day.
Then you land and we talk once more. We text, we meet up, you even collected me from the pub. For a moment we were having so much fun, we didn't stop laughing.
Then you told me you had slept with him, wow. That was soon. Too soon for me to handle I don't have a response, yet we both sit here like nothing has happened. You come back to mine and we drink oh we drank quite a lot, me more than you. So now I'm left with a choice, up or down? I've chosen down, as it's clear to see you are hurting just as much, if not more than me. I just wish to see you smile again, I want to make you laugh again. It's no use. One day hopefully you will be your old self, as the woman I was staring at, the woman I've given up my bed for is not the woman I expect to see