Mothers Fight for my Life and my Daughter

My name is Liliana Lee, on August 22, 2013 my daughter Olivia Victoria Crawford was removed from my care and put in the care of her father.  Please let me ask for forgiveness for what I am about to come clean first. My sister and I grew up in a very abusive home by our step mother we moved around a lot and our own mother gave us up because she didn't want us. Both my parents chose the alcohol instead of loving us and being fit parents. The abuse was not the worst part of it all as my sister and I got older the sexual abuse started not just with my father but with our step brother.  After years of being subjected to the abuse both my sister and chose different paths. I decided to join the Navy, and my sister chose the same path my parents did she became a stripper for a living, alcoholic and a drug user.  For many years I fought and fought hard to not turn out to be my parents but I would be lying if I didn't say I have made mistakes. Not just small ones very big ones.   I thought if people knew me for me I would be accepted but I started to figure out the world is not what it seems. After a lot of embarrassment, rejection and shame I began to lie. Not just to others but to myself I became obsess with wanting to be loved and accepted that I lied and deceived people.  Seven years to the day my sister committed suicide she got tired of fighting the voice in her head telling her she was like my mother and father. She got tired of the shame and the disgust of being abused and molested. Despite my best efforts to help her to believe in herself in telling her that we could be better in the end I failed and she killed herself. It was that exact day where my life took a turn for the worst and I felt like I no longer could tell anyone the truth of who I was or where I came from. I became so afraid of following in my sisters footsteps that I became a liar. It was just in the last few years that I started, and not that this statement means I am justifying my actions because I am not or that it makes this all better, I just want to make it clear as to how I came about this behavior. Also in showing how much I regret my actions in what I have done. As much as I tried to help my sister in convincing her we could be better than our parents that there is no such thing as recidivism I stop believing it myself 3 year ago. On December 13, 2010 after having a conversation on the phone with my grandmother she kept telling me how much my sister and I have been a disgrace. She kept going on and on about how it was my fault that my sister killed herself. Instead of telling people she did it I should tell them that I killed her because I didn’t help her.  Shortly after I got of the phone with her I took a gun and shot myself. I won't lie and say that my goal at the time was to give up to end it all and admit that everything my grandmother was saying was true. Three years later I wish that I would have been honest with everyone about that night. On August 22, 2013 my daughter Olivia was removed from my care due to the fact that when she was born my mental state was at question. I did what I do always resorted to fear and lied to CPS and told them that my father shot me, and that wasn't the only lie. I fail to also tell them I had two other children which I had with my ex husband who lives in Oregon. I didn't not just come forward in letting them know that I had them I denied that they were not mine. Last I lied and made up that I had a fictitious illness.    I know that as you are reading this you are probably wondering : Why”?. At the time I couldn't answer you because I had been lying for so long that after time I didn't even know why I was doing it. However since being in therapy I figured that my obsession of wanting to be loved and accepted ran so deep that in the end I lost sight of the truth. I did not denied my first two kids because I didn't loved them. On the contrary I loved them so much at the time I had convinced myself I felt that they were better of not having me as a mother. That's how deep my shame and disgust ran within me regarding my past.  The lie about the shooting I lied to CPS because after having Olivia I felt that I could start over I had been in therapy for 6 months and had been proactive in taking care of my mental state.  I believed that I could be a better person a better human being for me for my kids for my daughter.  I became afraid if they knew the truth they wouldn't give me a fair chance at showing them that I could be a fit parent, a good mother to my daughter. Last the lie about the illness I really don’t have a long explanation about, other than the fact that I just wanted to be loved and I just didn't know how else to get it. I would be lying if I didn't tell you I have hurt a lot of people including my children and in the end myself.  However what I can tell you is now having have come clean it has been the hardest walk of my life. Especially because I am alone. I would be lying if I didn't tell you that now I do understand why people give up hope and do these unspeakable crimes and or give up on life. The father of my daughter is a great father to her but a bully to those who makes mistakes. For every time I have fought and tried and had hope he has managed to push me down. Because he feels that “Once a screw up always a screw up“.  I am coming forward and apologizing not just to my kids, to my friends, the father of my daughter Olivia but also to CPS and the public. Hope is all I have and for those mothers out there who have a mental illness of any kind I am asking you to not give up hope please. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you can be a fit mother a good mother with a mental illness. I was diagnosed with PTSD and have been in DBT Therapy for seven months now with the best therapist in the world. She has saved my life.  Not just saved it but has helped me believe in myself that I will be a change person. She has helped me believe that the scars from my past do not have to dictate my future. All I ask is that you please forgive me and please know that at the end of the day I never meant to hurt anyone or cause pain. Never the less it was definitely not intentional towards anyone. All I wanted was a happy ending to what my past was truly like and at the end of the day just be loved.  We all live with something we wish we could change or undue in our lives things we wish we could take back.  For me I didn't just want to undue my past I tried to hide it run away from it and even pretended it never happened. It was a big mistake and it cost me not just my daughter but my relationship with the people I truly loved in my life. All I can do now is fight for my daughter and do one good thing in my life in making sure my kids don’t make the same mistakes I did. If you are reading this story and you can please help me in fighting back please help me in standing up for woman’s rights regarding this issue. Please forgive me and if you can find it in your heart to forgive me then please I am asking for your help in proving the words of the father of my child . “That once a screw up always a screw up” is wrong. That there is HOPE, because in the end without that what else is there.  If you are an advocate and a firm believer that a person can change please help me in fighting back because I need the help.
Liliana Lee Email: mylittleolivia@outlook.com Cell Phone- 602-423-1537