My Deadly Thoughts

The memory is still fuzzy in my head, some parts I remember and some are just a blur.

My head was pretty messed at that point, I used to just think I was over reacting, that my constant thoughts of death were just all in my head, that the voices that crept up on me in my most desperate moments were normal. This all suddenly became too much for me and the voices started to dominate my inner thoughts. All of my control was slipping away from me.

Weeks flew by and I was getting worse, I didn’t want to die, and as I sit here writing my story it’s rather obvious I didn’t. However if it wasn’t for him, who knows where I’d be? Six feet under most likely.

I’m not sharing my personal darkest moments for sympathy, I just want to let who needs to know, know that death is not the answer! You do it to take away the chance of feeling worse, but you forget that you are also taking away the chance of feeling better too. Someone, something needs you here alive.

My name is Alena Windchester, I was the usual teenage girl with the low confidence and self pity. My head was always running crazy, with either my voice or theirs. Silence didn’t exist to me. I hated everyone and everything, I saw no point in living a painful life, what’s the point if I hated each second of each day?

That’s what led me to the bridge that night, I can’t really recall how I got there, though I can still remember the texture of the bridge; the horrible soggy moss, the damp and musky violent bricks pinching at my toes, it felt like I was sinking, drowning in the stones, looking down into the roaring river, smothered by the terror of death, tear struck and bleeding cuts.

My wrists were splattered, they stung with pride, I was always proud of my work, it was like an art, the way I laughed whilst imprinting on my canvas. It always freaked me out the way I would stare at myself in the bathroom mirror for hours and convinced myself that it couldn’t possibly be me, and then I would paint my wrists to feel alive, to feel real, and to feel anything. After this a chuckle would escape my throat and lead into a dance of laughter, a reel of cries. I was laughing at myself, and at how pathetic I truly was. That’s when the voices would kick in and tell me to shut up. I remember covering my ears to escape the noise thinking ‘That bridge will be the end of me’.

The next thing I can remember was running, running too fast to breath, the wind crippling my face as I darted through the never ending trees, I was running away from life, heading towards my demise, the bridge of death.

It was the 29th of October , it wasn’t quite winter but the goose bumps on my skin could say otherwise, all of my hairs stood up straight, ready for war. I was oblivious to my surroundings, stumbling and tripping over my naked feet, nothing new there. My eyes where a blur, tears filled the lids. I was about to do it.

"Awh, is Ally Al going to off herself? Hahaha!" The voices sung in harmony, taunting and teasing me like children's riddles.

"Go away! Leave me alone" I screamed so loud, so hard, my desperate plea left me feeling like I was just ripped wide open.

Though through the pain I carried on the screams hoping I would get some sense of freedom. But they never listened, they never did. I was so tired, so desperate. They wanted me gone and at that time, I wanted nothing more than just that.

As I approached the daunting bridge, my mind started to echo, going over each living memory I had, with no idea on what to do the voices decided to jump in, sensing I was vulnerable their whispers got louder and louder.

With each step towards the bridge my heart rate was slowing down, the air was disappearing as I gradually got closer and closer towards the end.

Everything stopped, it was as if the world paused to see me fall, the grass, the trees, even the river down below got silent, frozen in its place.

I was in a battle with my head, arguing with the voices for my life. "I shouldn’t!" I whispered "Yes you should, you're an absolute waste, a nothing!" they screamed back "No one will even care Ally" They tried to sound sympathetic but I could hear the sly giggles. "What about my family?" I asked back "They don't even notice you exist my sweetness, they'll be better off without a fat lump of skin taking up some space, everyone will, remember? You're worthless, you mean nothing darling!" I was having second thoughts "No!" I started to fight back. "DIE!" Was all they said, it repeated in my head and the voices took all control.

My eyes flew open, unaware they were shut in the first place I found myself on the edge. As I stared out into the blue abyss I started to get a strange rush, some excitement. I smiled looking down feeling a sense of control, a sense of happiness.

This is it.

This is where everything in my life has come to, the bitter ending that I deserved.

I closed my eyes, grasping it all, my breathing becoming more harsh but I appreciated ever last one. This is it.

"Wait! No!"

I turned in shock, letting my eyes adjust to my surroundings, what could it be? A new voice? I was so confused.

That was the first time I saw Kai Handerson. The first time I got a glimpse of those gorgeous blue eyes, he made sad look beautiful. His hair in the wind and his body quivering, all he did was stare at me for a moment, his arm shaking from the frightful cold, he reached out for me in hope I would accept.

I nearly did but I noticed him wince from the cuts in my arm and that shot me back to reality. I couldn’t, I just couldn’t.

So as memory serves, I looked at him and smiled, I tore my had from his reaching and showed him more of my cuts and said

"Look, I'm as real as you are" and with a chuckle I jumped.

You'd think id feel scared or have some sort of regret, but I didn’t. I was just so relived, like a weight had been lifted off my chest. I was happy.

That’s all I can remember before I woke up in St McArthy hospital with drips and nips all over, alone. Until he walked in, his eyes where red, swollen, he had been crying. It was the boy with the blue eyes. He actually cared! After all of this I got the treatment I properly needed, I got a psychiatrist, and slowly but surely got better, Kai would come over and talk with me, we’d have walks and talked about everything and nothing. I was getting better. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t tough but it was worth it.

If you asked me who I was now I would tell you, my name is Alena Handerson. I am a 29 year old woman who is still madly in love with my wonderful husband Kai after 8 years, I am a great mother with two lovely children. I am Alena Handerson and I am alive.