My life

     I was in constant pain. I felt that life at one point was not worth the stress. I wanted to close my eyes and never wake up again. My life? That was great and I loved the people in my life. My parents were wonderful, but I feel that they made a lot of mistakes with me. Although, I think we all do tend to make mistakes when we are blinded with what to do. I suffered a lot growing up and this wasn’t a “I didn’t get what I wanted” Type of misery. Personally, I went through my own hell and had to crawl out on my hands and knees. This wasn’t just one event but a series of events that ultimately landed me with a tough decision July 21 of 2018. This choice was to either fight for my life or to allow my demons to take me away. I can’t pin point the moment that caused me to say this is enough. This is enough suffering and I don’t want to be here. Although, there were three major events that just turned my life upside down.

     Growing up, I felt blessed. I had two amazing parents that loved and cared for me. They gave me everything I had ever needed. Although, I was never happy. I could never understand why I was so unhappy. I was in constant pain and I felt as if I watched my loved one pass away repeatedly. Which I did 5 years ago when my grandfather passed away while I was in the hospital room. I replayed that scene on repeat as if my life was a drama. Not to long after my friend passed away from suicide and I blamed myself. I was only 15 when I felt all this guilt and I never forgave myself.
If I were to fast forward my life I would come to May of 2017. I had just turned 18 not even a month ago. I had to go through a trauma that I will never be able to hide from. I was raped by an ex-boyfriend that drugged me while camping. I played as if this had never happened for about two months before I broke. I remember crying in my room every night. I had no one to go to because no one knew what happened. I didn’t ever get the cops involved because, after looking at the statistics of victims getting justice, I felt that I would suffer more than gain anything. I suffered a lot after, and I was barely able to get out of bed. I remember the moment I told my parents what happened. I was never treated the same and all I wanted was for everything to go back to normal.

     Finally, in June of 2018 I had a mental breakdown that landed me into a hospital where I was hospitalized for two weeks. I was not able to touch anything sharp and I was to surround myself in positive talk. This had zero impact in my life and after being released I felt my life was going down faster. On July 19 I received my first ticket for speeding which started a fight between my parents and me. There was so much yelling that the cops were called by a neighbor. I was taken to jail that night and spent three nights there. I was a very angry person that was not in control of her life. July 21 was when I had a choice to either fight to stay alive or to allow my demon to cut the string that was my life. After getting home I decided I didn’t want to live like this anymore. I overdosed on psych medication that caused me to go into the hospital and I was gone for five minuets.

     During this time, I was going through everything and thinking if life was worth the struggle. I remember my mother crying and laying over my limp body. I couldn’t see but I could feel everything around me. I could feel my mother’s sadness and I could feel the anxiety that filled my hospital room. I could never explain how I was able to physically feel the emotions of those around me. I had decided to fight and to give myself the chance of allowing my life to get better.

     Which after six months everything did get a lot better. I decided to join a church and become a worship leader. I gave myself to God because, personally I believe he has a plan for each of our lives. Mentally I am in a better place and my life has never been this great. I had to go through my trail in life to learn how to be happy. I learned that no one knows what sadness is if they’ve never experienced happiness. Just like the darkness would never exist if there was never light.