To my Mother

am sorry for all the times I didn’t appreciate you or the times I took you for granted.

I know I made your life hell at times.

I am so sorry for all the disappointments that I handed out. I wish I could take them all back.

I have spent most of my life trying to fix them.

I am so sorry for all the times I treated people that didn't really matter to me, better than you. It was stupid.

 I was wrong, and in the end I paid.

Saying I was wrong or that I was sorry didn't taste good coming out of my mouth. My pride made me weak.

I am sorry for every sad moment I put you through, every moment I made you cry. I didn't mean to.

I will spend the rest of my life trying to forgive myself.

I am sorry for all the choices I made that where below me, you raised me better than that and

I am sure it hurt seeing me make the wrong choice time and time again.

 I am sorry for all the heartache I caused you.

 I never realized you were the only one I could trust, and you have been the one consistent thing in my life. 

I
am sorry for all the times I doubted you, because you were always right
and knew the outcome of my choices even before I made them.

I am so embarrassed thinking I knew everything.

 Your love was pure, without motive and I should have given you more credit.

I
want you to know that I blamed you for my problems and what went wrong
in my life, because I was weak and in need of strength, your strength.
You were superwomen to me then and you always have been. So I am sorry
for borrowing your strength in times when you needed it the most.

 I
am so sorry I never recognized you or acknowledged that you have gone
all these years without someone saying how important you are.

Without you, my life or this world would not be the same.

I
am so sorry for blaming you for not knowing how to deal with me and my
let downs. I was a complicated child and trust me when I say, "I know at
times you didn't know what to do".

I wish I can take it back.

I never wanted your life to be harder than what it was. For some reason, I was blind to your pain and struggle.

I thought of my own feelings first, forgetting that you had any.

I
am sure that most times, your problems must have been bigger than mine,
I took you for granted and considered your strength, money, tolerance,
and stamina to be infinite.

Forgive me for my selfishness.

I loved you the most and treated you the worst.

Although,
my lack of consideration for you over the years is now something I
can't take back, you have taught me the most valuable lessons that have
taken me through this life of turbulence.

I am a strong, independent women today because of you.

I
still fall weak but it is only because my one true rock that I always
crashed up against is now in another state. Your strength will forever
be your own; I need and will find my own.  

I will forever owe my gratitude to you. 

What I am most sorry for in this world, is how long it took me to tell you this.

Growing up has been hard for me, admitting I was wrong and saying sorry, even harder.

I
have learned that you need to tell people you care about, how you feel,
when you feel it, because one day you will wake up and time would have
passed you by.

Thank you for loving me, because I needed it. Thank you for being the one person in the world that wants nothing from me.

Thank you for putting up with me for all these years and going through things that would be any parent’s worse nightmare.

I needed you to hold on and keep faith in me, and you always did.

I come to you for advice because you’re the one person that speaks in purity without motives.

I wish I had never made you feel one ounce of sadness on my behalf. I was rotten and you deserved better of me.

It never failed; no matter what I did you always forgave me, when I didn't deserve it.

You were and always have been the only real thing I can depend on in my life.

I should have trusted you and listened to you.

 But
because life grabbed me and sucked me in, I fell and I fell hard. I am
so sorry for all the nights you stayed up praying for me, when you
didn't know what I was doing or where I was. I can now imagine what that
might have felt like, if not for those prayers I would not be standing
her in one piece today telling you how much I love you.

Thank you for the time you invested in prayer every night, because they saved my life.

You have always inspired me to be a better person.

I
am sorry if I didn't turn out to be all you had planned for me. I
wanted to be someone who you are proud of. But trust me coming from a
kid who wants thought she knew everything; my life didn’t turn out how I
planned either.

 Your words and struggle to keep me a float all these years has imprinted like a tattoo on my heart.

 I’m sorry I’ve let you down, I wish I brought you more joy then tears.

I’m sorry this apology is so late.

Growing up has taking me a long time.

The
last thing I want is for you to leave this earth without knowing how
much I needed you and how I need you still. I was a lost child, in a
world that hated me and plotted to destroy me. I let the world make me
weak and fall short, filling me with pride and false hopes, which I
believed. Convincing me that there was a such thing of easy outs. The
world was my cesspool, that I swam in on a daily. Leaving me to feel
insecure, insignificant, misunderstood and worst of all unloved. I spent
many years feeling this way, blaming others for my misfortune. I looked
to the world for answers instead of looking for them in the one who
knew best. you! I had allowed the sins of the world to intrigue me,
leaving me with only excepting the love I felt I deserved, this is why I
allowed people to treat me like I was nothing, because I had now felt
like I was nothing.

I always loved you, I just had a poor way of showing it, and I feel horrible, it feels like it's all hitting me at once.

Put this on the record, I am 33 years old and I just now understand. I now know what you meant all these years.

 I was just too blind to absorb it.

Even though your way wasn't my way, didn't mean your way wasn't the right way.

I
am sorry that I continue to fall to learn simple life lessons, and that
I have to be knocked down to the point that it takes me feeling the
pain I inflicted on others before I learn. Having my own kids and being
put through similar if not exact situations I can now feel your pain and
relate to you, it took this extreme to really understand or see what I
put you through. It's not fair and I don’t know what’s wrong with me,
but I beat myself up enough about it for the both of us. The self
persecution I put myself through has yet to seize, now that I am finally
blaming the right person.

Out of all the people that walk this
earth, your kids owed you the most credit and respect. Sadly and most
regrettably your kids have shown you little of either. I can't speak for
the rest, but I robbed you of happy moments in your life, I don't even
know if I can ever forgive myself.

You did everything on your own, with love and determination in your heart.

I am sorry I never truly noticed your pain, or was grateful to the things you did.

You mean the world to me and I don't know what I would do without you.

This
letter is not to clear my conscience, but to heal wounds that I have
chosen not to mend, for blame that should have been mine and mine alone.
For people I overlooked, that I shouldn't of. For a chance at a new
beginning, to let go of the painful moments in my life and consider
myself blessed for all the opportunities and love I have and can give to
this world. This self evaluation was the awareness I needed to realize,
life shouldn’t have been about me. The whole time I felt my life was
falling apart as a kid, I never stopped to realize or consider what my
mother must have been going through. She was important to me, so why
didn't I care? I messed up! The worse part is The damage is done, time
can't be undone. I was too self absorbed to realize all the people I
must have hurt on my mission to find myself. 

I am so sorry mom.

I am surprised you don't hate me, because right now, I hate me. I was terrible to you.

Please forgive me for being such an ass, and for taking this long to realize it.

I love you mom always and forever. 

Amber Broide