Ode to Rebekah ( Part 1: Romance)

I have issues. I’m not afraid to admit that now. In the past, it may have been a different story but I’m tired of running away from who I am or whatever it is I’m feeling for the comfort of my pride. I've always felt as though I have multiple personality disorder. I have a lot of different emotions inside of me and sometimes I don't know how to separate them or use them correctly. To paint a picture in your mind, Imagine wires. Red= Love     Blue= Sad      Yellow= Doubting                                                     Pink= Anger  Purple= Excitement     Black= Numbness

In my body, all of these wires are mixed, tangled, and chaotic. Seemingly unable to be separated from one another. As you look at the whole ball of wires, you start to notice each vibrant color quickly. Your eyes dart from Black to Red to Blue to Red to Purple to Blue to Pink to Blue to  Yellow to Yellow to Yellow to Blue to Blue to Pink to Blue to Yellow to Blue to Yellow…. Back to Purple down to Red and settles on Black for a little while… then it starts the cycle over again. Lingering on certain colors for longer periods of time, unable to control or help itself. This is how my body works. As I think you can see, I don’t say multiple personality disorder because I have multiple personalities in my body. There is not a Shawn or a Lisa a Meghan or a Tunde. There is just me. Rebekah. Only me. But within me, there is so much that MPD is the only thing I could say to possibly remotely explain what is going on. It is worse when I’m in a relationship. Constantly bouncing from emotion to emotion while trying not to cause torment to the person I'm with. The internal struggle inside of me is more than I can handle sometimes. Bad thoughts creep in like intruders that I recognize. Taking control of my memories, violating my privacy, scanning every interaction and moment, every deep conversation, every awkward silence and every argument for analysis and then consuming it whole. Eating it up as if it was a home cooked meal from the best cook you’ve ever had food from. Savoring every piece of my memories as they go down, swirling it around and round in its mouth before fully swallowing it into the darkness that is bad thoughts. I could even hear Red screaming at me to stop, I saw streaks down Purples face everytime BadThoughts opened its mouth to chew.  This is Yellow, definitely Yellow. Wait no no no it’s Blue, it’s gotta be Blue… Yellow….Blue… As I continue to argue with myself it soon all just became Black.

He can’t know, he must never know. He’s so caring and loving that if he knew it would keep him with me, then he could never escape the problem that I am.

I told him that God and my mother conspired for him to be mine. He doesn’t yet know that he is my heaven if heaven had a closet where my bad thoughts are kept temporarily. When they escape he invites them out to play and hurts their brains with his logic and love. They run back into the closet, reanalyzing memories for more ammo to bring to the next “play time”.  He tricks my mind with his words as if he majored in sleight of hand. I tried to warn him of what was to come, of the analyzing, of the emotions and how he would suffer. He told me “ I once read a quote that said, for the ones we love the most we are willing to suffer for. I love you.” Interpreted correctly as “You are worth suffering for.” How did I not see that card before he pulled it out? My words were like money, he took them from me with his sleight of hand, leaving me speechless. Red and Purple came out to play at that moment, they were shut down in a millisecond as BadThoughts noticed the corners of my mouth start to curve into a smile. BadThoughts: HE’S LYING!! HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT HE’S GETTING INTO!! YOU’RE STUPID, HE'S STUPID WHY WOULD HE WANT YOU?! He could have anyone, why would he want you. The only people that would ever want you are the people in your head. And they come from you...so they are stupid too… You think he loves you, think again… it will be someone else soon, it should be someone else. I tried to stay on topic thinking “ No baby, no soulmate, you don’t get it, I’m sorry I wasted your time, I will cause more damage than none, I’m a burden and you don’t even realize it. Demons hide in the seemingly sweetest people, heed my warning my love, heed my warning.” BadThoughts: You say my love, soulmate, and baby, and yet he will not choose to be those things for much longer. He watched me just as carefully as I spoke my words “ Davion..” I was cut off by a tear rolling down his face. I felt my brow furrow as I was engulfed in confusion. “Please don’t leave me.” he said. My brain’s whole world was perplexed, all the wires in the ball seemed to stop moving for momentary confusion in unison. This time when my mind spoke for once it wasn’t BadThoughts, it was me. Why is he crying? I've never had a guy care enough to cry. Could it be that he truly does love me? Could it be I’m the one breaking his heart right now? Does he really love me? Does he really love me that much? I saw a side of this boy that I have never seen in any boy. He saw my flaws and accepted them, he heard my fears and reassured them, he saw my soul and still loved it. His tear was like an elixir. As it rolled down his face and I wiped it away BadThoughts had nothing left to say. Suddenly everything was clear, I was never meant to leave him because of my fear.