Patient 401

(Author's note: Although a slur is used in this story that does not make it right. Please do not think it okay to harm yourself, call people slurs or bully people. This story is completely fiction and any actions done in this story should not be done in real life. Please read the warnings carefully and do not read if you are uncomfortable with any of the trigger warnings.Thank you.)

 Trigger Warnings:
Suicide attempt 
Violence 
Mentions of abuse
Alcohol 
Anxiety
Minor eating Disorder
Depression
Sleep Paralysis 
Self harm
Homophobia
Bullying
Schizophrenia
Slurs
Mentions of dead names
Refusal to use preferred name
Angst

Brooksville Psychiatric Hospital 
Patient 401 File
Name: Oliver C. Peak 
Age: 16
Height: 5 feet 10 inches
Eyes: Green
Hair color: Light brown
Room: 306 2nd Floor
Description:
Anxiety
Eating Disorder
Depression
Sleep Paralysis 
Self harm tendencies
Low self esteem
Schizophrenia

Medication:
Anxiety: 2 Citalopram (Celexa) pills a day
Depression: 2 Prozac (fluoxetine) pills a day
Schizophrenia: 1 Fluphenazine decanoate pill a day
Sleep paralysis: 1 clomipramine at night

Important info:
Has the tendency to imagine scenarios to “escape from my god awful life”. Describes a girl in a “Dirty yellow nightgown” telling him to do “horrible things”. He has named this girl Melanie,but often refers to her as bitch or little whore. He is quiet, keeps to himself. Snaps at other patients and can at times be very rude. VERY violent towards nurses and doctors after a “visit from Melanie”. 
   

Diary Entry 1 
3/22/2019
Dear Diary,     
               Doctor Frazier is making me right in this stupid book, apparently this will help me express my feelings, yeah right. Recently my dreams have become more intense. The line between reality and DR becomes more blurred with every dream. I can no longer trust myself or anyone around me. I have yet to find a way to tell what is real and what is fake. Melanie is being a real bitch lately she won’t leave me alone. The only way to quiet her is to occupy my mind. My friend Camryn helps me keep occupied. I have gotten better at eating lately. Therapy has been hell though, I hate having to remember all the reasons why I decided to end it all. Why should I have to feel bad or guilty about my decision. I'm not the one that never listened or the one that wrote all those horrible homophobic comments telling me to “kill myself” or “just disappear”. I didn’t body shame people for eating breakfast or start rumors about people. I didn’t spray paint the word Fag on someones locker. They never got called  a disgusting waste of space by their own fathers,  I did. Why should I apologize for hurting myself when they hurt me first. It makes no sense, I should not feel sorry for hurting myself, maybe It wouldn’t have happened if people listened to me instead of saying they're busy. Not even my doctors listened, I repeatedly told them my medication stopped working and I needed a higher dose but no, “you're fine you just can’t tell”. My sleep paralysis has become better though, they have become more touchy and personal. They touched my face and held my hand. I know they are not real but even if they were I’m not scared. One of the demons I've named Chris. Chris is very tall and skinny. He was my first demon. Sometimes I forget he’s not real. God I wish he were real. I could use a friend like him. At first he would stand in the farthest corner and just watch me, however over time we warmed up to each other. I am no longer scared to sleep. In fact I love sleeping, solely for the idea I may see him again. He brings me peace of mind, knowing that someone will always care and protect me. Chris is the most clingy. He never leaves my side, he is very nice. If any of the other demons try to touch me he becomes very protective and territorial. He can sense when I get scared by the other demons he will hold my hand or just sit by my side. When he is angry though he can be a bit scary. He is very hard to make angry though but when he is he scares me, I don’t think he means to scare me but he does. He is the tallest of all the demons so he towers over everyone. If I had to guess I would say he is 9’6.  I was prescribed clomipramine to help with my sleep paralysis, I never take them though. I like my sleep paralysis, Chris makes me feel loved and worth caring about. Knowing Chris cared about me made me want to take care of myself too.
                                                                                                                           -O.P. patient 401

               I woke up in a cold sweat. I looked around and then tried to sit up. When I realized what was happening I began to worry because I couldn’t find Chris. I started hyperventilating until I felt a familiar hand on my head. I look to my side and out of the corner of my eye I can see him standing over me. I get startled by the sound of footsteps. I turn my attention to the door where I see a short stubby demon. The demon starts walking up to my bed, and I start to panic. I guess Chris caught onto this, because he lets out this low growl that sends shivers down my spine. The other demon gets the hint and backs off immediately. Chris turns to me and lets out another low growl, but this one sounded calmer and relaxing almost like he was telling me it’s okay. Eventually I regained movement and looked at my clock {4:37 am}. I groaned and rolled back over. I covered myself in my blanket cocoon like a butterfly, until I knew it was morning.

                                                                                                                                Diary Entry 2
                                                                                                                                   3/28/2019
Dear Diary, 
                Not much has happened this week. I have scared myself a couple times, when I zone out and wander around the facility and then wake up in a hallway I don’t remember. I feel awful around dinner because I try to eat but I always end up throwing up, I can’t seem to keep food down. I haven’t seen Chris in a while. My mom visited me on Monday. I hate visiting hours. She always comes with the biggest smile and a new puzzle for me. If she cared enough to get to know me she would know I HATE puzzles. I would rather read books.  The only person I like talking to when they visit is my older sister, Willow.  Willow is so nice, she never thought of me differently. Maybe it’s because she is like me, my sister has recovered from major depression, anxiety and a major eating disorder. She is now working towards her nursing license so she can help other children with similar problems.  If it weren’t for her I may have never fully understood my illnesses. My birthday is in a couple of weeks, and Willow is coming to visit.  On Wednesday in therapy I was supposed to remember the night of the incident.
                                                                                                                                   -O.P. patient 401
 
- Flash back- 
{It was 5:27 am, my mom would be in to wake me up in 43 minutes. I dig in my desk until I find my letter explaining everything. I put it on top of my desk. With tears in my eyes I looked down at my wrist, I had at least 30 scars on each. I had been clean for 5 months but I couldn't take it, with the rumors at school and midterms everything just became too much. I didn’t want my mom to find me in a puddle of blood so I chose the cleaner option. I went in the bathroom and grabbed the first bottle of pills I saw, it didn’t matter what I took I could really care less. I open the cap and pour about 15 to 20 pills into my hand. I took the bottle of pills and put them on the desk next to the note. I was crying so hard at this point, I couldn’t even see clearly. I  swallow a few pills at a time until they are all gone. My hands were shaking as I climbed into bed and closed my eyes. I felt at peace for a second, until I heard footsteps and my door opened. My little brother had come instead of my mom. This is not how it was supposed to happen. He heard me wake up so he came to say good morning. He jumped on my bed and started shaking me. When I didn’t respond with my normal bickering, he went to my desk to turn off my light. That's when he found the note and almost empty pill bottle (that shouldn’t be empty for a good month). Then he realized what I did and turned to me with the most terrified look in his eyes. He was only 12 he shouldn’t have to see me like this. He starts to scream for my mom as he tries to sit me up. My mom comes running up stairs only to find her 12 year old son frantically trying to help me up. Then it all goes black. When I woke up I was here in this empty white room. I had all of these wires hooked up to me.  I was very confused about where I was.} 

That was 6 months ago today. 
I woke up to the sound of my alarm. Was it already 7:30? How late did I stay up last night? My sleep schedule was shit. I never went to bed or woke up at the same time I did the day before. I was excited about today, today my “friend” Lee was coming to visit. Lee is actually my boyfriend of 2 years but nobody knows. My parents weren’t all that supportive when I came out as gay so if they knew I had a boyfriend I would never here the end of it. My mom was more supportive than my dad but she didn’t quite understand that it was not my choice to be gay. My dad though, he’s your typical white homophobic guy. He would always find something to yell at me for. I was terrified of this man. He was always drunk or drinking and I always seemed to be in the wrong place at the wrong time resulting in a lot of bruises. I got beat up at school a lot so no one suspected a thing. But Lee, Lee knew everything, he is a couple months older than me and is very outgoing. I love him very much. He visits as much as possible. I am very close with one of the older nurses, she is in charge of visiting hours. Her name is Nayomi. She and a few other nurses are the only people who know about Lee and I. She always lets us talk longer than we are supposed to. 
                                                                                                                                       Diary Entry  3                                                                                                                                                4/2/2019
Deary Diary,
                  This week was the best. Lee visited me with an early birthday gift. Apparently Lee talked to Nayomi and managed to set up a lovely date in the garden. When I walk out Lee is sitting on a picnic blanket with my favorite foods. After we ate(I didn’t eat much) Lee told me he had another surprise. He told me to close my eyes, when I opened them he was holding a little paper ring. He put the ring on my finger and asked me to promise him that one day I would marry him. I automatically said yes. I kiss him goodbye and head to my room. That night I saw Chris again. The next day I got a letter telling me if I keep up the progress I am now I may be able to go home in a couple of months.
                                                                                                                                -O.P. patient 401
                                      
                                                       
              
                                                                                                                                       Diary Entry 4
                                                                                                                                            4/10/2019
Deary Diary,
                  I don’t think I'm getting out any time soon.  My anxiety has become much worse.  My birthday was the worst yet.  I don’t know how but my dad found out about Lee and I. He came in yelling and said that once I got out of here I would be sent to a conversion camp. My mom said he trashed my room and throughout anything that had to do with Lee, a great way to celebrate my 17th birthday. On a happier note Lee visited me and we talked about how I most likely will have to stay here until I'm 18, but once I'm 18 he will marry me. God I can’t wait till next year. Lee bought some sketch pads and pencils for me. He even bought me some books I have wanted forever like the “To All the Boys'' trilogy, and “The Gravity between us”. He also bought me a book called “Just as you are'' to help with my anxiety from feeling like I didn’t belong. When I talk to my mom about why I did what I did, she never accepts that she played a part in making me feel like I didn’t deserve to live. She blamed it on the books I read, and she was partly right, reading books like  “13 Reasons Why” and “All the Bright Places'' while dealing with my awful  mental state probably wasn’t my best choice. But reading 13 reasons why only made me more scared to end my life, because I was scared of how my parents and family would react.  I recently was able to talk to my little brother. My little brother Micah is one of my biggest supporters. I am always apologizing for the state he found me in. I give him advice on how to survive in that horrible home. I tell him all of the hiding spots I made into the house in case of a big fight between our parents. He recently came out to me as a closeted bisexual, he said he is not coming out to our parents til he is out of the house. He is scared of what our dad will do to him. I advised he stay closeted as well.
                  
                                                                                                                             -O.P. patient 401

             As I rolled over I faintly heard the sound of a foot tapping. I looked at the door, that's when I saw her, “Melanie what the fuck do you want”, she looked at me with a sad hurt look like I hurt her feelings. Then like nothing happened she looked up with the most unsettling smile. She can’t be older than 12 but right now she is terrifying. She slowly walked up to me and sat on my bed. Her smile faded into this expressionless face. That was somehow even scarier. “ Oh Ollie you're so cute you think he loves you, Lee doesn’t love you, he just pity's you. And Micah you can’t protect him. If I don’t successfully convince you to kill yourself, I might just have to visit him.” The way she said that so nonchalant was chilling. “ You wouldn’t dare, and Lee does love me, he told me so.” I replied, almost yelling. “ Really because Lee’s new friend still doesn’t know anything about your relationship.” She said as she placed a small object on my desk. With that she smiled and disappeared into the dark. I quickly got up and picked up the object on my desk. When I looked down at the small shiny blade my whole body shuddered as I remembered the feeling of release that blade gave me. I quickly regained a sense of what was happening and opened my window as much as I could (which was only a few inches so no one could harm themselves) and I dropped the blade. The window was facing the front of the building so no one could get to it to hurt themselves. Lee had some explaining to do. I sat on my bed peering into the corner Melanie disappeared into and all I could hear was her voice repeating those same words over and over again, “ Lee doesn’t love you, Lee doesn’t love you, Lee doesn’t love you” I hadn’t even realized until now but I was crying like really hard. Eventually I couldn’t keep my eyes open much longer and I fell asleep.

                                                                                                                                Diary Entry 5
                                                                                                                                         4/17/2019
Deary Diary,
                  That little whore Melanie won’t leave me alone. She follows me everywhere. Every corner I turn she’s there. She constantly tells me Lee is cheating. I was able to ask him about this friend and he assured me that he was only a friend and that he loved me. He knew my anxiety was high because of this friend so every chance he had he would reassure me that everything was fine and that he loved me and only me.  I’ve never told anyone this but Melanie was there the morning I  took all those pills. She didn’t speak but she stood there and smiled. When I reached for the pills she smiled wider and started nodding her head  encouraging me. 

*Beep* *Beep*  I groan as my alarm goes off. My mom is visiting today. I get up and ready for breakfast. I sit down with Camryn and eat. For once I’m grateful for group talks this afternoon, because I really don’t want to see my mom. Group went by very slowly but that was okay. Thank god I didn’t have to share today. But now I was dreading 2:30, visiting hours. It felt like I was waiting for hours. Finally she showed up. She looked like she had been crying. She sat down and glared at me. She told me she kicked out my dad. She then started blaming me for ruining her “perfect family”. She started yelling insults and that got everyone's attention, especially Nayomi. Nayomi walks over to us and tells my mom she needs to leave. She tries to protest  but eventually gives up. As soon as she left I went to my room. I was crying so much. The nice, supportive mom I had now hates me and blames me for her failed marriage. Their marriage was over long before I was born. It was over the day it started and the whole family could see it. No one  saw their marriage lasting this long. But their failure is not my fault. They ruined their marriage, not me, not Willow, not Micah,them. 
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Diary Entry 6
                                                                                                                                           4/20/2019
Dear Diary,
                I saw Chris last night. He was lying with me, which made me calm. He just laid there the whole time, just laying and holding me. When I woke up I was greeted by Melanie's evil grin, but I was calm. I made sure to show no fear. I’ve learned she feeds off my emotions, specifically fear. She started getting angry as she failed to get a reaction out of me. But I didn’t crack. It wasn’t until she started yelling that I broke. I flinched, I hate loud noises especially yelling. It reminded me of my father. On good nights he would just scream and send you to your room, but on bad days he would scream and yell and most times he was physically violent. When I was younger Willow would put makeup on me to cover my bruises. Melanie saw she broke me and kept yelling until I was crying and shaking. I was terrified not of her but the traumatizing memories she was bringing up. I feared for Micah, being alone in that house with no sibling to watch out for him. He must be so scared, I know I would be. I wish I could help him. I would do anything to guarantee his safety. All I want is for him to not be as fucked up as me. But I guess I ruined any chance of that when he found me that morning. Lee sent me a letter every day for a week. He’s in Michigan for a family wedding, but is still determined to talk to me often. Of course I didn’t get the letters the day they were sent. I got them all yesterday. I remember opening them with such a happy warm feeling. In each envelope was an ordinary note, then a special surprise. One was a poem, then the lyrics to my favorite song and a photo of us on our first date and a beautiful gold locket with a photo of him in it . Dr. Frazer said that I will get out of the hospital in a month on Mental Parole, which is basically a parole officer that checks in on me about my mental health, if I keep my progress up. 
                                                                                                                                  -O.P Patient 401

          I am waiting for Willow to pick me up. I am in the garden, it’s 11:44. She’s 10 minutes late. Out of nowhere Nayomi comes up behind me and calls my name. The sudden voice makes me jump and I turn to see her. “He’s here to pick you up Ollie”, she started but I cut her off “ Who I thought Willow was picking me up”. She stuttered as if she was nervous, “o-oh well just come with me lets get your stuff”. As soon as I got outside I dropped the box I was holding and it landed with a loud thud. I see Lee of all people standing there holding a bouquet of beautiful sunflowers, my favorite. I ran up to him and threw myself on him, as if on instinct he caught me and held me tight. He held me close as if I would disappear if he let me go. Before he could say anything I kissed him, it was a sweet, and innocent kiss. A kiss I had longed for forever. It had been a while since I last kissed him and I was going to salvage it as long as I could. 

                  Once the car was loaded we got in. I waved bye to Nayomi and watched as she got farther and farther away in the rear view mirror. I was finally free. And it felt amazing. Sitting with my boyfriend and laughing, god I hadn’t laughed in the longest time. I really missed Lee. I can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives together. Nothing will ever separate us again.
 When we got home, the house was eerily quiet. We sat down on the couch and put on our favorite movie ‘The Breakfast Club’. The house seemed so calm,too calm. The calm before the storm.

                The smell of burnt chicken slowly started to fill the house. Clearly my mom's cooking has not improved. Within 10 seconds of the smoke alarm going off, Lee was out of his seat and rushing to help my mom in the kitchen. After the smoke cleared my mother called us all to dinner. I sat next to Lee, across from my parents who were next to Micah, holding Lee's hand anxiously. This was the first time he had met them and the first time I had been home in a while. I could feel the tension in the room. I could feel my fathers eyes on me, and the dirty looks from my mother. I hoped Lee didn’t notice. The first few minutes were filled with awkward silence, until my father broke it. “So Lee, I have a question, are you related to Camille Hamshire, you look  just like her.” Just as Lee was about to respond my mother cut him off, “You mean Willow's friend Camille, I thought she only had a little sister...what was her name? It was Lauren no or was it Mckinsey.” “Laurensey, HIS name WAS Laurensy'', I retorted “but HE changed it to Lee.” “Oliver’s right I don’t go by Laurensy anymore in fact it makes me very uncomfortable, so can you please just call me Lee.” Without skipping a beat my mother responded. “That's nice dear but Laurensy is such a beautiful name, I think I'd rather call you that.” “Well…” Lee started before my father changed the subject. “ So Oliver, why haven’t we met Laurensy before?” “ Well, dad Lee and I decided it would be best if we kept our relationship between us considering your believes on the LGBTQIA+ community.” “ Well at least you did something right.” he started “I mean Laurensy is still technically a girl, which means you have a girlfriend.” The hurt look on Lee's face was enough to push me over the edge. I stood up out of my seat and knocked the chair over in the process. I could take any hurtful remarks towards me but I would never let anyone say anything bad about my boyfriend. I was so done with all of their bullshit. I just started screaming. The screaming startled Micah who I had forgotten was at the table. He looked so terrified, he had never seen me yell like this before.But I just continued screaming, “ WHY, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO INCONSIDERATE. HAVE YOU EVER TAKEN EVEN A SECOND TO THINK THAT PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD OTHER THAN YOURSELF HAVE FEELINGS. LEE IS A PERSON WHO HAS FEELINGS JUST LIKE ME AND MICAH AND WILLOW, YET YOU CONTINUE TO IGNORE THAT FACT.YOU ARE A LAZY,ABUSIVE DRUNK WHO IS SO ANGRY AT THE WORLD FOR FUCKING YOU OVER, YET YOU TAKE THAT ANGER OUT ON YOUR CHILDREN AND WIFE. A WIFE YOU IS TO SCARED TO HIT YOU BACK OR YELL BACK SO SHE TAKES IT OUT ON HER KIDS. YOU ARE BOTH LAZY EXCUSES OF PARENTS.I AM DONE DO YOU HEAR ME DONE WITH ALL OF YOUR SHIT. YOU ARE THE REASON I WANT TO KILL MYSELF, BUT I CAN’T BECAUSE I WOULD NEVER LEAVE MICAH ALONE WITH YOU NARCISSISTIC ASSHOLES.  I HAVE BEEN THROUGH HELL THIS PAST YEAR AND A HALF. I HAVE IT WORSE THAN ANYONE IN THIS ROOM.” “OLIVER”, a voice yelled. I expected it to be my fathers raspy voice but it wasn’t, it was angry but sounded softer than my dads. It was Lee. “OLIVER STOP, JUST STOP I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS ABOUT YOU. WHAT ABOUT ME I AM A PERSON TOO, YOU SAID IT YOURSELF. YET EVERY FUCKING THING IS ABOUT YOU, THIS RELATIONSHIP CAN’T GROW IF WE ONLY EVER TALK ABOUT YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU, I'M DONE. I WILL NOT BE DISRESPECTED BY YOU PEOPLE ANY LONGER.” His voice softened, “I’m sorry Ollie but I’m done I can’t do this anymore. I’m done and whatever, this relationship is done.” This was the first time I had ever heard Lee raise his voice let alone at me. I was in shock. He didn’t mean what he said right. RIGHT. Lee started to walk away, “w-wait Lee let's talk please.” He ignored me and walked out the door and out of my life. And I didn’t know if he would ever return. 

                                                                                                                                        Diary Entry 7
                                                                                                                                              4/28/2019
Dear Diary,
  I’ll keep this short. Lee and I broke up. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Me and my parents also got into it after. So I spent the night at Willows. She had work this morning so I was left alone. I think I’ll just go home. I will have to face them one way or another. I am so tired of everything. I thought getting out of the hospital would help but it doesn’t. My mental parole officer meets with me in three days.  From the looks of it we may never meet. I got a higher dose of  Prozac for my depression last night. After the fight Willow took me to my physiatrist.  I  guess I just needed to vent. I don;t know why I even use this book still but I guess Dr. Frazier was right. The book does help.
                                                                                                                             -O.P Patient 401

               I take a deep breath as I open the front door. I can hear my father watching the football game. I crept past the living room, but not before my dad heard me. “Where are you going?” he asked. His voice startled me, I didn’t know he heard me. “ To my room.” I responded with a little too much attitude but it’s too late now. “Don’t talk back to me.” He stood up and walked over to me and I could smell the alcohol in his breath. Great, he's been drinking. “How else will we have a conversation?” *SMACK* My cheek burned from the impact. “Don’t talk to me like that.” I hear a pair of heels hurry into the living room. “What in god's name is going on in here” my mom’s worried voice asked. “Your asshole husband, Richard slapped me.” “Why would you hit him? Are you kidding me, we talked about your violence. Don’t you dare touch him.” “Why are you siding with him, you're MY wife.” “Yes and he's my son and I won’t let you hurt him anymore.” “He’s my son too.” his words slurred together from the alcohol. “Are you fucking drunk?” My mom sounded irritated. “Why do you have that medication anyway you're just gonna do the same thing.” He managed to say. I had completely forgotten I had my medication in my hand.“And what exactly will I do?” I asked, wishing he would answer so I could go off on him. “ You're going to attempt and fail like you always do because that's what you are a failure.” That response caught me off guard. “ What did you call me” I asked, “A fucking failure”,“ Rich stop-” “No let him talk mom”. “The only failure I see is you, you and your minimum wage job.” I had never seen my dad so angry “Get out, get out of my house you ungrateful bitch.” “Richard no he is a child you can not kick him out.” “No mom, it's fine, I’ll go.” “I just came to grab some stuff anyway.” I lied. I run up the stairs and open my door. I grab my hoodie and my anxiety medication. Before I go downstairs I stop at Micah's door. I open it and he has his headphones on, a tactic I taught him to survive in this house when our parents were fighting. He looked so calm so I quietly closed the door and left. As I was leaving my mom walked up the stairs into Micah’s room. I remember wondering what she was doing. I later came to find out she checked my room to see if I forgot anything. I was trying so hard not to break down as I walked to Willows apartment. As I turned the corner a voice called from behind me, a voice that made me stop in my tracks. I quickly turn around to see Melanie. “Oh how i’ve missed you Ollie dear. How’s Lee, oh wait you wouldn’t know would you. What did I tell you? He doesn't love you.” “Shut up.” I continue walking faster this time and when I get to the door I run inside and lock it. When I go to my room Melanie is sitting on my bed. “ Took you long enough. You know you can’t do anything right. You just got out of the hospital and you already lost Lee and your parents. You are pathetic. Do it. Just take them. Take them all. Lee won’t care neither would your parents.” I sat on my bed facing away from her. Like always she was right Lee doesn’t care and wouldn’t care if I died. My hands were shaking and I couldn’t help but yearn for a different time. I start remembering what happened the first time. I was crying by now, I looked down at my arms seeing the familiar scars scattered across them. Crying harder and remembering when I made each one and wishing it would all be over already. That's it, I'm ready to go now. I pop open the first bottle then the second and pour out their contents. I take about ten of each. Five pills at a time. Pills then water, pills then water, pills then water, pills then water. After taking the pills I lay down. That when realization hit. I had just taken twenty pills. I’m going to actually do it. I think of the fight and Micah, Oh my god Micah. I can’t leave him alone. And Lee he would care, he does still love me, he has to.I change my mind. I don’t want to die. Please god don’t let me die. My phone is dead, I can’t go home, Willows at work where can I go. My brain goes fuzzy as fear and regret sink in. Why am I blanking? Think Oliver, you need to think. Lees. I can go to Lees. As I rush out the house, I forget to lock the door. But there's no time to go back. My mom had caught on to me and noticed the pills were the only thing gone. My box of belongings was still on my bed., so she headed to Willows. When the door was unlocked she rushed in only to find it empty. The only other place I would go was Lees. It was getting harder to keep my eyes open. My eyelids feel heavy as does my mind. My mind was foggy but I couldn’t stop now Lee's house was just a few houses down. I was so close. I stumble up the driveway and to the door. I can faintly hear a car approaching. Within ten seconds of me ringing the doorbell and the door opening I passed out. 

              Lee opened the door not expecting to see me nevertheless to see me pass out on his porch. I didn’t take Lee long to realize what happened. The only other time that this happened was when I last took the pills. I guess the car I heard was my mom because I briefly woke up in her car, to her speeding in the direction of the ER. I must have hit my head hard because it was bleeding and hurt like hell. Although that might be the after effect of the pills. For a split second I see Lee sitting next to me holding my hand tight before I black out again. After that all my nerves went numb.

              I woke up again to a bright light. I winced at the light shining in my eyes. Where was I? Was I dead? All I could see was the light. I could hear a slight buzzing sound and snoring. Was this heaven? It’s so calm and peaceful. The light started to fade and I could slowly recognize things around me. The cords going from my arms to the machines. The buzzing of the machine. I was in the hospital. I felt someone next to me roll over and hold me. When they turned over the snoring got louder. It was Lee. Lee was holding me again. Across the room, in a chair was my mom. Sleeping in a chair, holding Micah. I guess they wanted to stay with me. I rolled closer to Lee and snuggled close to him. This movement woke him up. Once he was conscious he looked at me and the worry in his eyes melted into hope. He hugged me tight for what felt like forever, but I didn’t care. I missed him and was willing to stay like this forever. But we both knew that wasn’t possible. Lee sat back and just looked at me. In a serious tone he asked “Was it because of me Ollie? Did you do this because of me?” I hesitated to answer. “I know I hurt you when I left, but I need to know If you did this because of me.” He continued. I looked at him and sighed “It wasn’t just you, I was everything. It was all just so overwhelming and right when I got home. All I wanted was to have a fresh start. A new beginning with you.” His eyes were teary and the guilty set in. This time I felt guilty unlike last time, but last time I didn’t get to see the people I hurt in the process. With Lee right in front of my eyes I could see first person how much this hurt him. “Please don’t ever do this again, I don’t think I can bear the pain of losing you.” He said with a shaky voice. When mom woke up she hugged me tight and apologized over and over. Apparently after going to the hospital she went home and picked up Micah and told my dad what happened. He made some remarks and they got into it again. In the end she kicked him out. She may have her own issues but she loves me and is finally trying to be a good mom. At least she’ll be there for Micah. Micah just sat there staring at the wall. “Hey mom, is Micah okay?” I asked. “ I’m not sure. Micah sweety what's on your mind?” He looked scared to respond. “You...your okay with Oliver being gay right?” His voice was very hushed. “I mean of course. It took some getting used to but he is still my son and I love him no matter what. Gay or not. Why, what's up?” Micah took a deep breath and looked at mom. “Would you be okay if I told you I liked boys too. I like both boys and girls.” My mom was taken aback by this sudden news but got up and sat next to Micah and hugged him “Of course I’m okay with that. And you don’t have to worry about telling your dad. He won’t be home any more and you don’t have to tell him if you don’t want to. Okay?” “Okay mom.” Micah looked relieved to hear that. He was safe, and I was safe. 

              After a while of discussing we decided that the mental hospital was out of the question. We turned to alternative methods. I will go to weekly therapy sessions, live with mom and Micah under constant supervision unless I’m with Lee or Willow. And when I’m old enough me and Lee will get our place to live. My medication is now in tablets that get dissolved in my water. I was happy and I felt so loved. Life was so much better. I’ll be eighteen before I know it then Lee and I can get married. This is my new beginning. The next chapter of my life is right around the corner and I can’t wait to turn the page.