The posthumous love note

There was no point in looking anywhere else.  Everything around you seemed to darken like a black hole swallowing a sun.  The light from your smile alone could have easily powered the bar we both happened to share, while your eyes penetrated the darkest parts of my mind, making all my sense and experience moot and requiring heavy revision.

I sat no more than a couple of feet from your seat at the start, unable to stop myself from getting as close to you as socially polite, all the time feeling very out of place.  I shut my mouth for once to hear you speak like dulcet, sultry music to the people around you, feeling a little unwelcome but unable to retreat. 

Your conversation innocent yet grave in its tone, for me in those moments, was as crucial as the air I breathed.  I hung on your every word , relishing them like perfectly shaped pearls, as if each one contained the meaning of life itself. Then you caught my awkward stare and instead of retreating returned it in full. I melted into a gelatinous mess of wanton fascination.

That is what you did to me on that simplest of evenings. You always managed to break my heart whenever you decided to take the urge and try. 

At the end of that solitary walk, one that started out with no fixed destination and the unusual need for society, there you were, sitting at that little table, telling the story of how your worst nightmare had come true.

I still cant remember the band that were playing or their type of music. Nor the name of the drink that lay untouched in front of me, nothing else but you telling your story.  You relayed your sorrow of the pet you had lost from old age, a hand me down family member you took when you left your parents, the only one you said, that had always been there for you.  You were obviously distraught but your compassion was overpowering, alien to me in many ways but so heartfelt in its depth. This compassion you taught to me, and made me the man I later became.

I cant remember how we ended up dancing, its not that I ever do, or what I even said to you or you to me to bring us to the floor, but I know from deep inside not a single insincere word was uttered from me that night in your presence. When the night was at an end, I backed away from you with respect only to be set on with a long, deep, soul wrenching kiss.  I still remember that kiss more clearly today than my own name.  I left shaken and addicted with a number in my pocket.  I knew if I ever rang it , it would spell the end of everything I had known to that point. Within days, the once lonely life I had lived dissolved into a distant memory, before that call seems only like a time where I wasnt whole, a time I no longer care to remember.

I don't remember much anymore, wisdom gave way to old age a long time ago but it never mattered after you had gone. The years we spent together, the children and grandchildren we had are all that now matter in this endless cycle of day and night.  I'm glad you passed before me, I'm sure I gave you a good life, I never loved anything harder than you, even when you didnt know my name. But you still held my hand, your frail hand of blue and cream, your pale, pained eyes still looking through me, into the depths of my soul, no words needed to communicate the love we had shared.

You passed without losing me, and for that I will be eternally grateful. I could always keep going a little longer knowing you didnt feel the pain of that loss, the loss I could burden. I could stay stronger for you, for a little while longer because of that simple chance. 

Our children keep telling we will meet again in the next life, that we will always live on in each others hearts.  I dont really mind, we had the time of our lives and lived with the knowledge of what love truly means, the only true destination of the ultimate journey . I dont need to remember the details, dont need to know whether or not we will meet again.

I just know memories fade but love never leaves, it can never be taken by disease or by hate. You fulfilled me and I have no regrets. I said goodbye a long time ago but you never left me.  I leave myself now, thank you for making it all so worthwhile. I pass with no regrets , as a man that loved and felt loved.

Your ever-loving husband