Questioning my own Mortality

Today I learned of a good friends passing. I was told she passed away from kidney failure. I recalled that she had mentioned she was having issues with her kidneys but I suppose I chose to not acknowledge it. I suppose I thought if I ignored it that it would simply go away. She was younger than myself and her kidney failure was due to bad choices she made in life. (Alcohol and hard drugs) Well I don’t drink alcohol myself, never liked it for many reasons but I was friends with this girl for a reason. Don’t get me wrong and please don’t judge until you’ve walked a mile in my shoes. Even if we hadn’t had that one thing in common I still would had chosen to be a friend to her. She was a fighter, kind, and a great mother. Who wouldn’t choose to be friends with someone like that? Her passing scared me so much that I found myself writing this little passage that I would like to share with all of you! Let’s just call it: Questioning my own Mortality. This is what I wrote: 

We so quickly choose the easy way in life, the exciting things that ultimately are only temporary quick fixes and not long term. It’s stupid how stupid some of us can be. Never worrying about tomorrow or our future. Living life in the moment is about the stupidest logic I’ve ever encountered. Living life in the moment is what gets us killed, is what makes bad decisions, is what makes revenge seekers and cheaters, is what makes mistake makers not learn from their mistakes, and people who don’t forgive. It makes liars and thieves because when you don’t think about your future, your tomorrow, these things are so much easier to do. The attitude of, “meh, I’m living life to the fullest everyday, I’m living for the moment cuz I may not be here tomorrow is what’s going to lead to that path of possible destruction and probably death. I want more than not learning. I want to forgive and be forgiven. I want to understand and to be understood. I want to feel compassion to those who give me compassion. I want morals, values and beliefs that I can be proud of. I want to say I’m better than that, better than the person who wronged me and not feel the need to retaliate. I’ve learned that just because you’re made aware of a situation where someone you love has hurt you doesn’t mean you have to make it public, announce it, or say anything at all for that matter. Ultimately u have one of two choices you can either forgive or walk away. Why would anyone walk away tho? Walk away from love? Why not just sit back and see if they learned, and it just may make the relationship stronger? Why say anything unless they repeat those bad actions? I dunno.... I guess that’s each individuals decision to make! I guess there’s that fear of feeling stupid to what’s happening when you’re clearly not but letting others think you are for the sake of not walking away from the person you deeply love! Life is all about decisions I suppose. Decisions of what’s best for oneself!  I want to say I’ve made enough poor decisions that I no longer need to make mistakes to learn, I now understand. I want to love more and more unconditionally and wholeheartedly. I want to live, not just be alive! I want to make a difference in someone’s life and not be a burden or hinder someone from being who they’re meant to be. I want to make a difference period!

Written By Renée Rush-Boyko

 This is my ah-ha moment. My realization bigger than anything I’ve ever felt before. At 46 years of age, and for the first time in my life I am scared yet I am awake. So awake!