Running From Myself

HELL HAS FOUND ME as thunder rumbles the windows and doors of a place I've yet to call home, not even in my childhood. I've buried my fear in the deepest pit of my heart for so long. Now I regret that because I feel the horror inside of me, coursing through my veins, making my inner organs bang against my ribs, turning my blood to ice. I wish I didn’t have to face her. There’s still so much left to say, to do. What about my dreams? She has already killed them, now what? Am I next? Stupid thinking. Of course, it’s not like she is driving me toward thoughts I never thought I'd be thinking – she’s not doing it for nothing. Yeah, as if I could hear myself think! With the rain hitting the roof and the thunder shaking this haunted house, my hearts pounding.. It’s becoming too much for me to handle. But the thing is, I'm not running this circus. She is. I don't know who she is or what hell she crawled up from, but I do know for sure she’s here for me.

            She’s stalking me. Looking at me through the cracks of the door. Waiting until my eyes close and the dreams consume me into an abyss where I cannot fight back. Sleep is inevitable, as it has been days. The room seems to dance around my eyes. The agonizing want, need to let go of the last string that holds me in one single piece. Sanity, I feel it slipping away as her claws screech against the closed and locked bedroom door. Every time lighting shines through the open French doors I catch a quick glimpse of a sweat-covered body that shakes uncontrollably, my body. The memories run past my hazy mind and I feel it becoming so much more than a past-life. More like my life slipping away as my single thumb barely stops me from falling off a cliff so high, the bottom is an eternity where I shall fall forever. I think of giving myself to her, giving up the life I will never again be able to call my own. My thoughts and the sounds seem to fade away as darkness grows even heavier upon the room. I give in to the sleep...

            I OPEN MY EYES, move my body from the soaking bed. As I, the storm has lost most of its strength, yet large raindrops still tap my head and shoulders. The dark room seems to sway back and forth, this way and that. I can't tell if I'm dreaming or if she has left me. For a long minute I reach out my arms for a wall and finally feel its cold pattern in my right hand. I sag against it, sobbing. I can't make sense as to why it’s raining. Or why I can feel the rain as I am inside. Why does it have to rain?

            The thunder rumbles loudly and I lift my head, turning to see myself though it’s an unfamiliar darker version of me. Suddenly I'm off the wall, running and screaming. My heart drops to my stomach, my breathing comes in quick loud gasps, and my insides feel as if they're on fire. I hear her claws scrape again the wood floor. Terror spreads through my body as I feel her gain on my heel, I don't dare look back.

            There’s a dim glow at the end of what I assume is a hallway. It’s pulling me closer to a single opened door. As I slide through the threshold, the floor drops away and I fall for what seems like forever.

AS I SLOWLY PICK MYSELF UP from the cold dusty floor. I spin and look around the pit in which I’ve found myself. Mirrors swirl in my vision. I feel my heart drop. I drown in the young girl’s haunting beauty and the eyes so full of emotion.

I hardly recognize my younger self as she stares back at me with those pleading eyes. I know instantly what she wants. She wants the past to be resolved. Those terrible things that happened, she wants them gone. She wants peace, to stop running from the past. And I know, until I give her freedom, I will be trapped in my own mind, my own voice and memories. I will be running from myself.