Scary feelings.

My childhood wasn't perfect but I took what was given and the main lesson I had to learn to just roll with the punches. In my lifetime I have seen, heard and been through more things then most kids my age.  My life was not horrible. I had lots of things that many didn’t, but I would have traded it all in for a mom who was ready to mom and a family the didn’t hate each other in secret and dump it on me, and a life like I watch in the movies. Growing up, I took care of my 3 younger siblings. I never really minded that I had to play mom while the real one was out working over time because she hated the sound of her own children's laughter. She did mean to take it out on us, she was always in love with some man would brain wash her in to different person, an ugly person who really only cared about the man who would abuse her and her children, just so she didn't have to be alone. She was convinced it was love. If love was about some sort of abuse and violent outburst, I wanted no part of it.

Fast forward a couple years, I'm 17 and have never had a serious relationship. I had a three month rule and most of the time I couldn't even be faithful to them that long.

I'm trying to talk sense into a friend who was head over heels in love with a man who kinda like her, but loved what she did for him. She turned to me and said you will never understand, you have never been in love, and your happy with your self and your fearless.

This comment stopped me for a minute, I though is that how I come off to people, Fearless. I never wanted to come off fearless or superior to anyone, because honestly who am I to rein superior over anyone. Not much scared anymore, I was raised to be the tough one, but love! oh yeah that was scary more then any monster I met, I have always been terrified of love. to slow dance with the bliss I had seen between my grandparents. Before my grandfather died. To give the prevailing chance of complete misery.Knowing that it will either save me from myself or it will cripple me. If there is one thing beautiful in this crumbling world it is pure true love. The crumblier of souls, but god if there is one thing more horrific in this world it is surely loving something with your entrity only to have it all vanish in the blink of an eye.