She Never Did

 Laying on the floor with headphones in her ears, Katherine Williamson - Katie - was staring at the ceiling in her room. Her expression was blank but she was screaming in the back of her mind. Part of her was always screaming, especially on days like today. Her windows were covered with thick curtains that let in no light, and the Christmas lights she had set up around her room gave it a soft glow. The sun was shining outside so she was avoiding leaving her home. Bright days were the days that reminded her most of how broken she was. Everyday she waited for night to come so that she could go to sleep and get to the next day, only to repeat the routine. Things changed from day to day of course. Some days she had her classes; during others she went to the library to find new books. Most days she just stayed home, where she lived with her two cats. Out of those two cats, one was staring at her while the other had pushed its away under the curtains and was sitting in the only windowsill not covered in books, probably watching the people outside and wishing that her human did anything interesting. Sometimes Katie watched people from her window. She watched them walk, some alone, others with their friends. Some walked with people that they obviously loved, some jogged past with their dogs. Occasionally there was someone on their bike, racing past recklessly, weaving through the few other people on the sidewalk. Watching them made her feel like she was part of something, but not on days like today.  On days like today watching them would make her feel alone. Watching them would make her realize that she has no one to walk with, that she was utterly and completely alone.

She didn't know if she could handle that today.

Loud, sad music played in her ears, making her heart ache more and more and making tears come to her eyes as she thought about how hollow she felt. She could feel her heartbeat in her head, pounding along with the music, thumping and proving that she was alive. Instead of feeling like that was proof that she was meant to be there, meant to breathe, meant to continue living, she just found herself imagining what would happen if it stopped. If the rhythm refused to continue, if her heart just stopped beating. Would she hear, would she feel the final beat before it ended? Would she have time to notice and recognize that she was dying? Or would she just be dead?

Shaking her head and ripping the headphones out of her ears, she stood and left her room. She walked out into the hallway , where the windows let in the bright sunlight and half ran to the kitchen squinting her eyes. She grabbed a bagel and put it in the toaster, then walked to the fridge. Grabbing the cream cheese, she turned and a sparkle caught her eye. She stopped and stared at the knife that she had used to cut carrots, which was reflecting sunlight back at her from the sink. Tears began to fill her eyes and she ran back to her room. Sobbing and shaking, she slammed the door and pushed her cat out of the way so she could dive onto the bed. 

With a growl of protest, Misty padded over to the door and pawed at it. When it became obvious that her owner just didn't care, she lied down in front of it. Nala, on the other hand, clawed her way out from behind the curtain and eyed Katie. She was used to her owners pain, and although it worried her sometimes she usually paid no attention to Katie when she was in this state, but she was being *loud* and she normally never slammed the door, not to mention that she always got up to let Misty out. She hated the idea of trapping her cats, because, from what Nala understood of what Katie sometimes said to them, she herself felt trapped and she didn't want anyone else to feel that way. 

At this point, Katie was practically screaming into her pillow and her tears were soaking it. Nala got up and locked her hand, trying to make her feel better. Katie stiffened and she looked over at Nala with tears running down her face and a sob trapped in her throat.

"Hi, good girl... I'm sorry, am I worrying you?" Katie scratched Nala behind her ears and Nala gave a small purr. Rubbing her eyes, Katie sat up and tried to get a hold of herself. It had dawned on her that she couldn't leave her cats alone. They were the only real good thing she had in her life. So, she got up and grabbed her cell phone.

"Mama? Yeah, I know it's dinner time. I'm sorry I interrupted. I have to ask a favor. Would you watch the girls for a few days? I'm going on a trip. I just need to get away. No, nothing's wrong I just need a change of scenery. I'm feeling stifled. Yeah, I know you warned me not to move to a neighborhood that's so crowded. I guess you were right. So you will take care of them? Great. Can I bring them over now? I want to get ready to leave right away and you know how Misty gets in the way of things. Awesome, thanks."

After a struggle, Katie managed to get both cats into their carriers. Nala peered out with a worried look in her eyes and mewled at her. Katie ignored the cat, trying not to cry, and put them in the backseat. A short drive to her mother's and a long lecture (about springing things on people with no warning) later she finally managed to make her way back home. She went into her bathroom and started to run a bath, throwing in bath salts and bubbles and grabbing a bottle of antidepressants from her medicine cabinet. Katie climbed into the warm bath without even removing her clothes and sighed, closing her eyes and enjoying the hot water and the pleasant smell from the bath salts.
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Marianne was furious. It had been a week and she had heard nothing from her daughter. She had said just a few days! Those cats were ridiculously annoying, always clawing at the door, jumping up on every surface, and yowling throughout the night. She had tried calling over and over again and she was almost out of cat food! Finally, she decided to go to her daughter's and see if she had anymore cat food and maybe snoop around a little to see if she could find out where she went and when she would be home.

After snooping through every drawer and determining that she hadn't taken any clothes with her, Marianne was being suspicious. If Katie hasn't gone anywhere and just wanted to drop her meddlesome cats with her mother she was going to get the lecture of a lifetime. She decided to wait in the living room for her daughter to get home. She grabbed a piece of French bread and a glass of water and sat down to watch tv and wait. After a few hours she got up to use the restroom, and was shocked to see her daughter lying on the bathtub. It took her a few moments to notice how pale and still Katie was, and when she did she screamed out for her daughter, begging the universe to let her be wrong and hoping against hope that Katie would wake up.

She never did.