Ship in a bottle

                                         SHIP
                                           IN
                                    A   BOTTLE

                                
                                 Padraig Cosgrave     
  
                                              
                                 

                                    PROLOGUE

The large red brick country house was the essence of serenity as the car  drove up the short driveway leading to it. The finely manicured lawns were complemented by a magnificent rockery and an array of autumn bedding plants, the fallen leaves from the overlooking spruce, ash and oak trees provided a blanket of gold and brown in a kaleidoscope of colourful autumn delight. Ornate statues of mythical Greek figures adorned the garden landscape with the centerpiece being a rather garish fountain which was decorated with two marble statues of semi nude females, possibly Greek goddesses, standing back to back and holding what appeared to be  jugs above their heads which both pumped out a clear stream of water into the basin of the fountain below. Seamie gazed in bemusement at this feature, although it was somewhat unorthodox for his taste, he did see how it integrated into the ethos of calm which was the pervading throughout his current surroundings.  
             Seamie was anything but calm though as he sat in the passenger seat of the car, a silver Toyota Avensis, which his friend Jock parked in the spacious and decoratively paved yard in front of the large red brick house. He gathered his thoughts together for a moment as he remained seated in the car, taking deep breaths and exhaling with equal gusto. For quite a while now his wife had been firstly coaxing and now pestering him to seek what she called “professional help”, he eventually succumbed to all this because a recent turn of events had made him realise that his sanity and even his very life itself was tethering on the brink. Seamie knew that he had to do something drastic, no matter how unappealing it may be to him, in order to hold onto that which mattered most to him. He had recently made an attempt to take his own life which resulted in him being hospitalised for a spell and his darling wife Emily was threatening to leave him with their infant son Sean if he did not receive the help he needed. It was time for Seamie to swallow his pride and speak to somebody about the inner demons which over the course of his life he had shrouded his mind and enslaved his thoughts.
              This was not going to be an easy task for Seamie however, the very concept of therapy was ridiculed by him in the past and he could not countenance the notion of him speaking to a complete stranger about profoundly personal issues that he would not speak about to those closest to him. Now here was Seamie in the driveway of the house of a psychotherapist that his wife had recommended him, as he prepared to step out of the car the feelings of anxiety that coursed through his body were almost tangible.”Don’t be worried, you’ll be fine” Jock told his friend in an act of reassurance, “I’ll be here waiting for you when you get out, good luck”. Seamie closed the door of the car behind him and walked towards the large oak front door of the house with a prevailing sense of fear and trepidation. A number of questions were running through Seamie’s head, what way will the councillor behave towards him?, would he be able to open up to her?, would he get cold feet and run?, would he break down crying?, would he get panic attacks?, would he speak at all?such questions were playing over and over in his mind as he stood in front of the door and pushed the  bell, it gave a shrill ringing sound. A moment or two passed which for Seamie seemed like an eternity as he heard footsteps approaching on the other side of the door along the hallway and the sound of the door opening.
             Evelyn Fitzgerald was a pleasant woman in her early sixties who had extensive experience in the areas of psychological and behavioural therapy. Her elegant dress sense and sallow complexion defied her developed years and a rigorous routine of yoga, meditation and a healthy diet complemented this further. Having been widowed for the past decade with her grown children now having “flown the nest” to lives of their own she had more time on her hands to do what she really wanted, that as to run her own therapy clinic. Her uncanny ability to show empathy and honesty to her clients along with her friendly manner endeared her to many along with an innate ability to understand the human mind. It was through word of mouth that Seamie’s wife had heard of her and made the referral, if there was anybody who could help him Evelyn could, so she reckoned. Her practice was run from her home which was in the Carrigaline Co Cork area approximately one mile from the town in a secluded country area. Evelyn approached the front door to answer it upon hearing the bell, when she opened the door she found a very apprehensive young man waiting on the other side. “Hello, you must be Seamus” she said as she shook hands with him whilst smiling in an attempt to transcend his anxious disposition, “y y yes, y you must be Evelyn” Seamie replied with a nervous stutter. The young man could see that the lady in front of him was friendly and reassuring but he was a long way from his comfort zone, he would need all the help he could get. “Please, do come in” Evelyn said as she beckoned for Seamie to enter, inside he found an impressive large hallway with a solid timber floor and a large staircase running up the centre of it to give it a classical look. This was juxtaposed by a number of paintings of modern art works which adorned the walls, to Seamie they were rather eye catching but right now he had more pressing matters on his mind. “I can see you’ve never experienced anything like this before” Evelyn remarked to him, “you’re right, my first time” Seamie replied rather awkwardly. “Don’t worry” Evelyn reassured  “there’s no need to feel uneasy, just follow me this way and I’ll explain everything to you”, Seamie then followed the kind woman down to the bottom of the hallway to a room which he took to be her studio. Inside the room the aroma of lavender incense filled the air to facilitate a relaxed environment and a suite of comfortable leather chairs were aligned together in the middle of the room adjacent to a large swivel chair which Seamie assumed was where Evelyn would sit. The sound of gentle meditation music was being played on a speaker in one corner of the room and a wall was adorned with various framed certificates of diplomas and degrees Evelyn had obtained from her studies down through the years. It was in the other corner however that Seamie’s gaze suddenly became transfixed on and caused him to become more anxious, he was looking at a bookshelf in which a number of books on psychotherapy belonging to Evelyn were displayed and on one of the shelves rested an ornament which caught Seamie’s eye. As he continued staring Evelyn asked him “is there something the matter?”, Seamie remained silent and continued looking at a model ship inside a glass bottle.  

                                                 1.
July 7th 2012,
Kinsale Co Cork, Ireland
“Are you nearly finished cleaning that deck” Ned shouted at Seamie in a state of exasperation and annoyance, “just done now” Seamie replied as he concluded mopping the pristine timber boards. “ I want this boat shining” Ned exclaimed “ we have some visitors coming on board today for a fishing trip and I want to make a good impression”.   Edward “Ned” O’Flaherty was a 56 year old skipper of a fishing trawler called “ Albatross” which was currently moored at a pier in Kinsale harbour as the crew prepared it for a fishing expedition which was scheduled to take place later that morning. Ned was an experienced and very capable fisherman and skipper whose very existence revolved around the sea. His gnarled and weather beaten appearance made him look older than he was and his somewhat gruff demeanour at times meant that he could come across as abrupt and unfriendly but to those closest to him nothing could be further from the truth. Working with Ned on the boat were two trusted younger men who lived locally near the harbour, firstly there was Tony “Jock” O’Sullivan, aged 23 who had a maverik and fun loving approach to life. Jock had experienced dysfunctions and dispossession in his youth and left home at 18 after falling out with his family, originally from Cobh, Co Cork he found employment on the boats of Kinsale having worked in a number of other jobs previously and it was here that Ned O’Flaherty took him under his wing. Although impetuous and intemperate at times Jock adapted to a life at sea quickly and became a skilled fisherman, it was with Ned that he grew on an interpersonal level and experienced a level of self actualisation he never before felt he had within him.       
        Ned’s other assistant was Seamus “Seamie” Cronin, a few years older than Jock at 27 and different on a number of levels. Firstly Seamie was more reserved and thoughtful than the impetuous thrill seeker that was Jock, he also exuded a natural charm and greater intelligence than his seafaring colleague. There was a contrasting side to Seamie’s personality however in that he rarely spoke his mind or disclosed details pertaining to his private life or history, to those that knew him Seamie was a quintessential man of mystery who had an uncanny habit of diverting attention away from him when personal questions arose. Both men had certain traits in common in that they were hard working sailors and fishermen who had  adopted the seafaring way of life as their own identity, they also had come to be good friends over the years who played as hard together as they worked and helped each other whenever they could, with Ned overseeing them the three had come to a surrogate family of sorts.
         It was a beautiful mid summer’s morning in the picturesque fishing town of Kinsale, Co Cork in the south of Ireland. A warm sun was rising early to lift the curtain on a lovely day as its reflection danced across the clear blue sea and the boats moored there hardly rocked such was the calm among the waves. The town of Kinsale is popular among tourists and holiday makers with its picturesque setting, reputation for good seafood and varying range of maritime activities  making it an attractive location particularly during the summer time. This morning was another morning at the height of the tourist season as Ned, Seamie and Jock scurried about to get the Albatross presentable for the visitors that were due to come on board today. Jock ensured that all the necessary fishing equipment was on board and in good working order, Seamie gave the deck a good clean and shine whilst Ned inspected the mechanics of the boat to ensure that the sailing would not encounter any unforeseen difficulties. Seamie noticed that Ned was a little more apprehensive than usual about these visitors that were coming on board today, he seemed rather keen to make the right impression. The truth was the client who was hiring the boat for a fishing trip was a wealthy Irish American businessman who was bringing members of his family along with him. Ned was excited in that this particular client was paying handsomely for the experience and he was hoping that with the right impression made he could send further business his way.
         When the two younger men had completed their tasks on board Ned called them aside to explain to them what was happening today, “well done lads, you have her (Albatross) in top shape. You might notice that I’m a little more excited than usual this morning and the reason is this, the client we’re expecting on board is a prominent Irish American businessman from Chicago called Tom Hogan. He is over here on holidays with his family and he has paid a considerable sum to use the Albatross for a fishing trip today, because of this I expect  both of you to be on your best behaviour and be polite and helpful towards our visitors. With the right impression I believe we can get more of these trips in the future which is good news for all of us”. Both Jock and Seamie listened to what their mentor was telling them and they nodded in agreement, they could not share his excitement though as they approached the occasion as another day’s work to get on with.
           An hour later the distinguished visitors arrived on the pier all appropriately attired for a day at sea. Leading the party was the patriarch Tom Hogan, a man in his early sixties with a rotund appearance and receding hairline on his head. His tanned skin suggested that he had done his share of travelling to exotic locations through the years and he was dressed in an elegant Aron sweater and grey pants, he had a pleasant and upbeat demeanour about him as he greeted Ned before boarding the trawler. Mr Hogan was followed on board by his wife Sandy of similar age and exuded a natural elegance about her, she in turn was followed by their adult son Toby, a man in his late twenties who was accompanied by an attractive brunette lady who the men assumed was his wife. They all shook hands with Seamie and Jock as they came on board the trawler and were all full of pleasant smiles and small talk, the guest that followed them however was someone who would really make an impression on Seamie. Last to come on board was a young lady in her mid twenties with raven black hair and piercing blue eyes, her skin was sallow and she was approximately 5’4 in height with a petite build. From the moment she came on board the vessel it was clear that she had a captivating personality and her smile exuded a glow that could illuminate the darkest night. Seamie took her to be the businessman’s daughter and from the moment she arrived he knew he had to get to know her, the young man moved forward enthusiastically to make his introduction, “hello ma’am, my name is Seamie and I’ll be looking after you all on the boat here today” he said to her as he shook her hand. “ Hi” she replied with a smile, “I’m Emily”.

                                                                   2.  
In therapy
Seamie could feel his diaphragm lifting each time on following Evelyn’s instruction to take slow deep breaths in and slowly exhale, he did this a number of times and he could feel a natural relaxation gracefully flow throughout his body as he did so. He was sitting on a comfortable leather chair in the therapy studio of Evelyn Fitzgerald’s home while she sat directly across from him on a swivel chair, after having recorded some details from him in her notepad she put it aside to begin the therapy proper. Firstly she could see that her client was very tense and she would have to get him to relax if there was any prospect of him divulging any of his inner subconscious to her, thus she began with the breathing technique a tactic most clients reciprocated to and it was clear that it was effective in this instance also. “So how do you feel after that” Evelyn asked Seamie when they had concluded the breathing exercises, the young man was impressed and voiced his approval “that was very good, I can’t believe how much more calm I feel after it”. “Excellent” replied Evelyn as she instructed him further, “next thing I need you to do is to lie back in your chair and slowly let your entire body become limp and relaxed”. Seamie did as he was instructed, an uneasy feeling still permeated throughout his whole being but it was starting to dissipate, “now close your eyes” the therapist then told him.      
           As Seamie closed his eyes he felt his natural curiosity grow inside him as to what the therapist would do next, Evelyn sitting across from up picked up her notepad in preparation to write again. “I want you to take your mind back to your earliest memories of life, I want you to recall what were the first things Seamus the child saw and experienced” Evelyn instructed softly as she continued “I want you to visualise what you are thinking and tell me what it is you see, take as much time as you like”. Seamie let his thoughts wander for a moment and then brought them back into a sharper state of focus, the database in his mind searched through the many memories that were there until they brought them to a visual image he understood to be the earliest one, he paused for a moment before speaking. “I can see a clear blue sky and the sea is calm, it’s a lovely sunny day” Seamie said, Evelyn sitting across from him was attentively taking notes “good, go on” she replied. “ I am out on a boat with my father, we are fishing” Seamie said as he went on, “my Dad has a fishing rod and I am helping him hold it, he is showing me how to work the reel on it. He tells me that the key to fishing is patience and observation as we wait for a tug on the rod, suddenly I feel the tug as I get excited and my father starts to reel in the line. The next thing I remember is seeing a huge fish being pulled in on the end of the line and how happy my father looked when he caught it and took it off the hook. I remember him saying to me “well done son” as he shared his joy over the catch, I don’t know what age I was but I was very young and it was one of my happier days”. Evelyn whilst taking notes and listening attentively then interjected “very interesting, is there anything else you can remember about that moment?”, Seamie paused for a moment before replying “all I can recall is bringing the fish home to my mother and the family sitting around the table having it for dinner and Dad being happy for the rest of the day”. Seamie went silent as he dwelled on the moment with his eyes closed, awaiting further instruction from his therapist before she told him to open his eyes.
           Back in the present moment Evelyn continued the therapy further as she asked her client “tell me what emotions you felt as you thought about that moment?”. Seamie again started with a pause as he wrestled with his subconscious mind to conjure words for his feelings before replying to the question “I guess I felt happy, pleased, a kind of warm feeling and I guess it’s the way I really wanted to remember my father”. Evelyn whilst taking notes then asked him “tell me about your relationship with your father”, Seamie hesitated before answering “at first it was happy, the man taught me so much and I really admire him, I still do”. The young man’s voice started to tremble as he concluded the last sentence and then started to cry before adding “but all that changed one day”. Evelyn looked at the man with a heartfelt sense of compassion but also glad that he was starting to open up to her as she asked him, “what day was that?”, Seamie looked up at her with tears in his eyes and said “the day my mother died”. 

                                                                   3.

The Albatross moved gracefully on the sea adjacent to the Co Cork coastline as Ned chatted merrily on the port side deck with Tom and Sandy Hogan. Their son Toby was more engrossed in his fiance Chantelle as the couple gazed adoringly at each other whilst chatting flirtatiously Meanwhile behind the wheel of the trawler was Seamie as he navigated it towards where the best fish could be caught, the diesel engine of the boat hummed behind him as a white foam followed at the rear of the boat on top of the sea whilst it travelled forward. Seamie’s eyes however were transfixed on the sight of the young woman who stood alone on the starboard side of the deck as she gazed out at the ocean whilst the gentle breeze blew through her shiny hair. She cut a captivating figure in her navy blue cashmere sweater and black jeans which she sported under a life jacket that she put on upon boarding the vessel. Her slender face exuded a contented look as she appeared to be embracing the moment and the natural beauty of her surroundings, such a sight made Seamie wonder if he could look or feel as contented as the pretty lady before him looked right now. The young fisherman was determined to get talking to the young woman who introduced herself to him as Emily earlier, he called Jock over who was busy arranging fishing rods at the rear of the trawler and told him to take hold of the wheel for a while to which he obliged. 
           Emily Hogan looked out at the vast blue sea that lay on one side of her and the rugged Cork coastline which was on the other, she took a deep breath whilst closing her eyes and embraced the peace and tranquility which flowed through her at that moment. This was a world away from the busy and congested city streets of Chicago and quite frankly she loved it. She also admired the genuine warmth of the locals and the easy pace with which they lived their lives, she reckoned that she could get used to this. When her father Tom suggested that he wanted to go on a holiday, or “vacation” as they called it, to Ireland to trace his family connections there and that he wanted to bring the family with him Emily did not know what to make of the proposition. A fun loving college girl, currently single, she had an abstract idea of Ireland and its geographical location but it did not extend beyond the boundaries of primitive living, leprechauns and stereotypical drunkenness. She did not know how she would feel about the prospect of spending three weeks in such a country with her family and if it would be much fun at all, but the trip meant a lot to her father so out of loyalty to him she travelled to the emerald isle with the rest of the family. Emily was pleasantly surprised so far with the holiday which was to last three weeks in total, she was fascinated as to the discoveries her father had made regarding their family heritage in Co Cork and the unfettered, spontaneous sense of fun to be had in the Irish pub scene with its uplifting traditional music and interesting people to be met there, the “craic” as the locals most famously referred to it as. Now she was at the start of the second week of the holiday and as she enjoyed the invigorating sea air on board the Albatross a chance encounter with a handsome young fisherman was about to change the course of her life forever.
          “Hello” Seamie said to the young American lady as he approached her, Emily coming out of her blissful state of mindfulness turned to face him with a pleasant smile and replied “hi”.  “It’s a beautiful day to be at sea isn’t it?” the fisherman asked her to break the ice, “it sure is” she replied with a blissful sigh, “I never realised how beautiful this country could be and my Dad, well, he’s loving it, the happiest I’ve seen him in a while”. Seamie persisted with more questions in an attempt to breathe life into the conversation “this is your first time in Ireland I take it?”, “first time in Europe she replied, everything here is so different to Chicago but I love it, the pace of life is so much easier”. “Tell me more about Chicago” asked Seamie, “I’ve never been there,'' Emily told the young fisherman what Chicago had to offer and he was impressed, the conversation between the pair flowed more naturally after that with talk about travel and life experiences along with family, Seamie kept his own personal details vague when the young woman queried him and in general he asked more questions than he answered. Both Seamie and Emily knew though that they enjoyed each other's company and they felt a rapport between them. Seamie kept conversing with the American lady until Jock unceremoniously interrupted him shouting “hey Casanova, if you’re quite finished there’s a boat to be steered.”

                                                                 4.
In therapy
Seamie continued to cry in Evelyn’s presence as the subject of his mother’s death arose, he never felt more humiliated in his life as he broke down in front of a stranger but at the same time the release of emotion was somewhat liberating. Evelyn remained compassionate throughout as she handed her client a tissue and reassured him that there was no need to feel embarrassed or ashamed with how he was feeling whilst encouraging him to divulge into the subject matter that was upsetting him. “Tell me more about your mother’s death” the therapist asked her client without sounding imposing, Seamie gathered himself together before talking further. “I was six years old when it happened, there’s little I remember about it only I know that Mammy was sick for a while and gradually got worse. I remember my Dad taking me and my brother and sister to the hospital a number of times to see her not long before she went and although she was very weak on the hospital bed I always recall her having a big smile when she saw us and telling the three of us over and over again to be brave and to look out for one another. In later years I was told that it was ovarian cancer she was suffering from but there was little I understood about it then. All that has occupied my mind since then was the question I kept asking everyone at first and then myself “why did mammy have to die”, I never found the answer.”
               Evelyn looked at Seamie with a sympathetic gaze, it was clear to her that her client was in a lot of emotional pain with a lot of unresolved issues which would need to be addressed. She would need to do a lot of digging to get to the root cause of his torment but for now she needed to show empathy for the situation that presented itself. “I can only imagine how difficult the situation must have been for you as a small boy” she said to him, “can you recall how you felt at the time?” she added. Seamie again paused and delved into his archive of feelings, “ at first I was frightened, my brother and sister too, we were very afraid as our mother was now gone and we felt alone in the big bad world. After that the fear turned to great sadness at her loss, I cannot recall how many times I cried myself to sleep, after that as I got older the sadness turned to anger and to this day I guess the anger has never left me”. Evelyn noted what her client was telling her whilst listening attentively before asking “do you remember much about the funeral?”, “not a whole lot” replied Seamie “only the image of my mother lying pale and lifeless in the coffin and loads of strangers coming to shake Dad’s hand and everybody being real nice to me and my brother and sister, telling us how sorry they were when they had done nothing wrong”.
             Evelyn paused for a moment before breaking the silence “grief is perhaps the greatest challenge we will ever face in our lives as human beings both mentally and emotionally, the constant reminder of someone’s absence throughout time means that the pain never goes away but it is important that we as human beings also acknowledge the pain and deal with it properly in order for us to develop in later life”, Seamie nodded in acknowledgement to what his therapist was saying as she continued “having the right supportive network around you and receiving the appropriate help is important in the initial stages of grief, from the way you have told your story it appears that you did not have such support as a child and because of this the grief proved to be more harmful towards you as your life progressed”. The therapist again paused for a moment to allow Seamie to take in what she had told him before asking him, “tell me more about your relationship with your father?” , the expression on his face turned to one of reluctance and terror as he told her “don’t go there”.      

                                                                     5.

Emily Hogan found the young fisherman she had just been conversing with to be quite a character, easy on the eye too. Underneath his ruggedly handsome exterior was a roguish charm which she instinctively knew disguised a more vulnerable side to him, a side she wanted to explore more, one she believed to be genuine and kind and because of this she was drawn to him.At the wheel of the trawler Seamie and Jock were enjoying some banter with one another, “boy she’s a cracker, I can see why you couldn’t get away from her” Jock remarked about the young American lady laughing, “ah would you stop” retorted Seamie “I was only being friendly like Ned asked us to be”, “friendly” exclaimed Jock “Seamie boy there’s being friendly and then there’s giving special attention to someone, I didn’t see you speaking with the rest of the family at all”. Seamie remained coy about his intentions to his friend whilst Jock pedantically mocked him, they both took each others behaviour in good spirits though . “Fancy going for a few scoops (drinks) this evening?” Jock asked Seamie, “I’d thought you’d never ask” Seamie replied, the two men regularly went socialising together around Cork and further field and both served as useful “wingmen” for each other when it came to approaching members of the fairer sex on such nights out. “ I tell you one thing” Jock teased his friend further “if you do have any interest in her you better move quick or I’ll move right in”, Seamie rolled his eyes and replied “believe me Jock she’s in a different league to you”.
             The Albatross continued gliding across the sea as Ned pointed out to his guests some of the marine wildlife as  it came into sight, there were basking sharks, seals, jellyfish and even dolphin among the sights to be seen which all enhanced the tourist’s experience. Seagulls flew close to the trawler in the constant hope of obtaining a tasty morsel but they would be waiting for quite a while. Eventually Seamie stopped the boat for their guests to engage in a spot of fishing as Ned and Jock baited and distributed the rods among them.Tom Hogan was in an ebullient mood as he merrily cast his line into the sea whilst his wife Sandy looked on also in good spirits, “say Ned” he told the skipper, “looks like you’ve got a few hungry suckers around here” as he felt a tug on his line, “you picked a good spot”. Ned helped his guest when he needed assistance with reeling in his line and to Tom’s delight he found that he had caught a sizeable plaice. “Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle” Tom declared with delight as the rest of the family whooped and cheered him, “we’ll eat well tonight”, “congratulations Tom” Ned said to his guest to commend him on his catch. Elsewhere on the boat Toby was having no such luck with the fishing, the quintessential Chicago city boy had moments on the boat’s crossing when he felt a nauseousness  brought on by his inexperience in sea travel. He then had trouble with the line on his rod as it broke at the first cast off and then when Jock fixed it for him he got it caught in what appeared to be seaweed, the whole experience was proving to be frustrating for him. His fiance Chantelle on the other hand seemed disinterested in the whole event, when she was not amorously entangled in Toby she was engrossed in her cell phone and social media by ensuring that her facebook and instagram statuses were both up to date. She did make herself useful however when her prospective father in -law Tom made his big catch and she was there to capture the moment and upload it accordingly.  
             Emily on the other hand did not profess to know anything at all about fishing but was a good learner. She also had a good tutor in Seamie who attentively showed her how to bait the hook and cast the rod, he stood with her and held her gently as he demonstrated the motions. The young American lady felt a shudder race down her spine as his strong masculine body brushed off hers and she felt the touch of his coarse hands when he showed her how to hold the rod, this was a tutorial she could get used to. Seamie left her on her own for a while as she accustomed herself to the apparatus she was using, the young fisherman kept an eye on her as she bit her lower lip and blushed slightly before trying again with the rod. To Emily’s delight this time she had a clean cast off and held the rod tightly as her slender hands anticipated the feel of a sudden jolt indicating a nibble, she waited and waited until suddenly it came and in a state of excitement she jumped slightly causing her to fall back only to be caught by the muscular arms of the handsome fisherman. She looked up to see his chiseled features looking down at her and his boyish grin as he said “looks like you got a little excited there”, the young lady felt a feverish feeling come over her as she felt the chemistry increase between them, “sorry” she said with a blush and a nervous giggle as Seamie helped her to her feet again. The pair then reeled in the line on the rod as much to Evelyn’s disappointment she discovered that it was only a small mackerel on the hook, the pair simply looked at each other and laughed uproariously but that was suddenly interrupted by a scream coming from the other side of the boat.       

                                                                    6.
In therapy
It was another evening session in the studio of Evelyn Fitzgerald’s house as the therapist sat across from her client Seamus Cronin. She was very pleased with the progress made in the last session with the young man as he managed to be more emotionally forthcoming with her than she anticipated. It was manifestly clear to her that Seamie was in a lot of emotional pain which he had been carrying and hiding his entire life and a lot of work would have to be done with him if he was going to attain a state that mind which would allow him to properly deal with such pain without compromising his quality of life. Evelyn was confident though that this could be achieved as Seamie was proving to be a willing and cooperative client who she enjoyed talking to. On this occasion she recapped with him what they had previously discussed in their last session, “ Seamus, the last day you were here we got through an awful lot and thank you again for being so honest with me,” she smiled and continued “before we finished the last day you told me that there was trouble in your family after your mother died, do you wish to discuss that further?. Seamie remained quiet for what appeared to him to be a long time as he contemplated what to do next, he did feel a sense of relief from his last session in that he realised that he was in the company of somebody he could confide in and there were not too many people he encountered in his life that he felt he could be this way with but Evelyn proved to be the exception. However on this occasion what he was contemplating talking about encompassed many years of emotional pain and undiagnosed trauma, he wondered if he would have the resolve to talk about it or even if he wanted too. Since the last session though Seamie had thought for a long time about it and came to the conclusion that if he was ever going to receive healing from his past he would have to face his fears. “I’ve thought about it Evelyn and I’ve decided I want to talk more”  he informed his therapist with an apprehensive tone, “very good” replied Evelyn, “in your own time” as she gave him the cue to talk.
          Seamie took a deep breath and exhaled before speaking “after my mother died there was just Dad to look after me, my brother Fergal and my sister Ali. There were other relatives who offered to care for us as they were concerned my father would not be up to the task on his own but that would mean that we would all be split up and Dad wouldn’t stand for that, I respect him for it” he said. Evelyn was again taking notes and listening attentively as Seamie went on “ I guess the trouble started right away for us, Dad never fully came to terms with the loss of my mother and the only way he felt he could cope was through alcohol. He drank at home, in the pub, every spare moment he got really and it became more of a problem as time progressed. My aunt Susan who is Dad’s sister was always picking up the pieces for us, I can’t recall the amount of times she picked us up from school, fed us, washed us, looked after us when we were sick because Dad was too drunk to do so, but she never complained and nobody knew the full extent of what was going on as she was protecting Dad too”. 
           “That must have been very hard” Evelyn said whilst looking at her client with a profound sense of compassion, “was their violence in the home?”. Seamie again took a deep breath and looked at one point like he was on the verge of a panic attack but he managed to compose himself despite being teary eyed.  “After Mammy died I guess Dad just became angry with life and he took it out on us and with me being the eldest I suppose I got it the worst” he again paused before continuing “I remember being physically chastised for nothing at all really, not doing my chores properly, cursing, fighting with my brother, he’d hit me hard and I felt it too. He was particularly fond of using his belt as he’d make me strip down to the waste and he’d strike me a number of times until my back would be raw red, he also did the same to Fergal. Sometimes he wouldn’t stand on ceremony and just lash out at us, particularly when he was drunk”, Seamie buried his head in his hands after he told the story trying desperately not to cry, Evelyn was almost moved to tears to as her client recounted the details. The therapist allowed her client to compose himself further before she asked him “and your sister Ali, what happened to her?”, Seamie looked directly at her with an expression of pure horror on his face. 

                                            7.
Chantelle was posing on the side of the boat whilst her fiance Toby took pictures of her, an aspiring model, this woman’s vanity knew no bounds and she was quiet the active socialite on the Chicago scene. A woman of expensive tastes, she found the current holiday in Ireland with the Hogan clan to be somewhat tiresome  and the country to be somewhat dull. She had no interest in fishing or even to give it a try but she came along on the boat trip anyway as she could not bear to be away from her beloved Toby. Against the safety instructions of the boat she had removed her life jacket as it “cramped her style” and she posed for photographs which she hoped she could share on her instagram account and for any prospective modelling portfolios. She made various poses and pouts on the side of the boat as Toby photographed her but in an instant she leaned too far over the side of the boat whilst posing for a shot and fell overboard into the sea. 
        In an instant screams could be heard on the boat and Seamie jumped into action as he moved quickly and dived overboard to assist the distressed woman as she struggled frantically in the water with no life jacket on. Chantelle could feel her body submerging more under the water as she struggled for oxygen, the shock of falling into the cold water forcing her to move her limbs about frantically and making her predicament more perilous. Seamie being a strong swimmer quickly swam over to where Chantelle was struggling in the water and caught hold of her, “it’s ok you’re safe now” he said to her, his main prerogative was to get her to calm down as her struggling would only drag both of them under the water. He managed to get his arm around Chantelle and swim back to the boat with her where Jock threw out a life buoy to assist them in getting back on board.
          Emily was quite taken aback by what she saw from the young fisherman, he exerted a spontaneous sense of bravery that she never really saw in a man before and she found it quite attractive. Seamie sat Chantelle down in the boat whilst Ned got her a thermal blanket, she was clearly in shock and the whole episode had upset her but otherwise she was unharmed. She would have to contend with her white Cashmere sweater and designer leggings being destroyed and losing her Police sunglasses but those were first world problems. Tom Hogan suggested to Ned that in the circumstances that they turn the boat back for Kinsale to which he agreed, it wouldn’t help to have the young lady getting hypothermia. As the Albatross headed back for Kinsale Seamie changed out of his wet clothes in the small cabin on the trawler, little did he know that he would have an admirer watching him as Emily managed to get a sneak peak while he changed. Her mind was driven into a frenzy as her eyes could not get enough of his sculpted torso, strong forearms and shapely biceps, after he had changed she snuck away as Seamie reemerged on deck.
              “Thank you,” Emily said to Seamie, “that was very brave what you did earlier”, “ah it was nothing” Seamie modestly replied, “ I was just glad to be able to help”. “That you most certainly did” said Emily as she maintained her complementary tone, “but honestly, thank you”. The pair chatted for a while as the boat made its way back to Kinsale, it was clear that they had both come to like each other more and the attraction was felt between them. The rest of the Hogan family approached Seamie to thank him for his bravery as the boat moored in Kinsale harbour and they prepared to disembark. “You’ve got a good one there Ned” Tom said to the skipper as he left the boat and his wife Sandy gave him a hug followed by a heartfelt hug from Chantelle and a handshake from her fiance Toby. Emily was the last of the guests to leave and as she passed the young fisherman she slipped a piece of paper into his hand and looked back at him with a wink and a smile as she mimicked the words “call me”.

                                                                8.
In therapy
Evelyn could see from the horrified look on Seamie’s face that the story he had to tell about his sister Ali was a potentially horrific one. “It’s ok, you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to” the therapist told her client in a further act of reassurance, she did not want to be too imposing on Seamie as it might undo the good work already done. Seamie though felt that he had to finally bear witness to perhaps the most heinous sights which for his entire life had occupied his soul but firstly he felt inside him that another potential panic attack was about to make its unwelcome presence felt. The young man again was coming under a state of anxiety as he found it hard to breathe, Evelyn through her intuition quickly spotted it and directed him through the breathing techniques again as he slowly inhaled through his nose and felt his diaphragm lift before exhaling slowly through his mouth. Very soon Seamie found himself being brought back into a calmer state of mind as he gathered his thoughts before Evelyn spoke to him again.
            “I can see that the subject is causing you great distress” the therapist said to her client “would you prefer if we moved to another subject for now?” she then asked him, “no” replied Seamie, his voice shaking with emotion, “I’ve run from it for long enough”. Seamie gathered himself for a moment before disclosing to his therapist the story of his sister, “Ali was my little sister, I always did my best to look after her but I could not protect her from him” after saying this Seamie broke down emotionally and wept bitterly. Evelyn moved quickly to relieve the distress her client was in as she said soothingly “it’s ok, there’s no need to feel embarrassed here, just let it all out whatever you’re feeling”. She remained silent as Seamie cried knowing that the young man was going through a state of release from whatever trauma was gripping him and was openly displaying his vulnerability to her, she was quietly pleased as again this was a significant development. Her client remained crying until he could weep no more and then gathered himself again, the release of emotion was indeed a relief for him. 
          “When you say “him”, who do you exactly refer to? Evelyn asked Seamie, “my father” Seamie replied. “I remember him taking her to his bedroom since she was only about 3 or 4, that was when he started to sexually abuse her and eventually rape her”. Evelyn recoiled in horror when she heard this from Seamie, clearly shocked at what was being revealed to her, but she retained her calm presence as her client went into further detail. “Dad always insisted on her sleeping in his room, he reckoned that she would be safer there and that he felt it would help her with the loss of our mother, at first I was too young to understand what was going on but when she got a little older she told me what was happening in the bedroom”. “How did you feel at the time?” Evelyn asked him, “I was angry, very angry” Seamie said “but I was so afraid of the man that I did not do anything and for that I hate myself” with that Seamie broke down weeping again as Evelyn gave him a hug which the young man reciprocated to instinctively. “It’s ok Seamus” she said to him soothingly, “it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault”.     

                                                                       9.
July 8th 2012,
Anglesea Street Garda (police) station,
Cork, Ireland
“Sign here please, it’s a bond in which you undertake to appear in court on the aforementioned date to answer to the said charges outlined to you and that if you fail to do so you will be liable to the sum of 150 euro” the Garda (policeman) at the desk outlined to Seamie before he signed the document and his property was returned to him, after that he was shown to the public area of the Garda (police)station and he was released from custody. It was an early Sunday morning in mid summer just after sunrise and Seamie was trying to recollect what happened the night before to no avail as he met Ned in the public area of the station who sported a look of obvious disappointment, “it’s time for you to go home, what the hell were you thinking” he said to him whilst shaking his head.
           Seamie and Jock finished up on the Albatross the evening before at Kinsale harbour after the fishing excursion as Ned commended them both on a job well done, particularly for Seamie’s heroism in rescuing the young American lady who fell overboard. He gave both men envelopes containing their pay for the day’s work as he joked “don’t blow it all tonight lads” they all laughed and went on their way. “I’ll see you in town later on” Seamie said to Jock before he headed home to get ready for the nights socialising, “what will you be having if I get there before you?” Jock asked him, “make it a bottle of Coors light” Seamie told him with a smile. The young fisherman walked back to the house he inherited from his deceased parents a short distance from the harbour, a medium size detached bungalow with white washed walls overlooking a beautiful sea front, as soon as he went in the door he threw himself on the couch and turned the television on for a while. Seamie flicked through the channels with his remote control and realising that there was nothing of interest on for him to watch his attention soon turned to the piece of paper that was in his pocket, he took it out and unfolded it. “What would a woman like her see in a fella like me” Seamie thought to himself as he looked at what was written on the paper, it simply said Emily with a cell phone number underneath it. He pondered on whether he should contact her or not before thinking to himself “I better not call her now, she might think I’m desperate”, he then put the piece of paper back into his pocket before preparing for the night ahead.
           Seamie got into Saturday night mode early as he took a bottle of Jameson whiskey from a cabinet in the house and started drinking it straight from the bottle. His alcoholism was something he managed to hide from the outside world generally but those closest to him, Ned and Jock, suspected that he had an over dependant fondness for it, as partial as they were to a drink themselves. For Seamie though alcohol helped to numb him from the realities of life, the trouble of his past and from the world around him, he would never admit to having such an addiction though. The young man took a few more swigs from the bottle before lining up two lines of cocaine from a small quantity he had on the coffee table in front of him, he then rolled up the piece of paper Emily had given him and snorted up the white powder through it. The sudden rush brought on by the drug gave him the adrenaline he would need to see him through some of the night, the rest he would take later. A call came through on Seamie’s phone, it was from Jock, he informed his friend which pub he was at in the town so he could meet him there. Seamie then showered and applied a cheap cologne to his face, after putting on a change of clothes he then headed out for the night.
          Jock and Seamie spent a few hours enjoying their drinks in a popular pub in Kinsale, it was the height of the tourist season and there were many visitors about contributing to a lively atmosphere in the town.  After Seamie had snorted the remainder of the cocaine he had in a cubicle of the public toilets in the pub he then travelled with Jock into Cork city as a sober friend of theirs offered them transport there in his car. They heard that there was a good atmosphere in the city with some of the bars and a nightclub there doing discount promotions on alcoholic beverages, both men decided quickly that this was for them. In the city the two friends enjoyed the night life as they drank a number of small spirits (shots) quickly to expedite their state of intoxication. Seamie and Jock both  finished up in a nightclub where they became separated from each other, it was here that Seamie got talking to an attractive young woman where they danced and eventually kissed.When the nightclub was closing in the early hours of the morning Seamie walked with the young woman where they went looking for a taxi, the young man was hoping she would take him to another mystery location in a drunken haze where he could enjoy another one night stand, he had contraceptives in his wallet so he came prepared. Whilst they were walking to the taxi rank a short distance from the nightclub however Seamie was confronted by an irate young man who claimed he was “making off” with his girlfriend. The aggression that the fisherman held within him soon came to the surface as he became involved in a physical altercation with the other person who had directed verbal insults at him after the initial confrontation. A Garda patrol car soon arrived at the scene and before he knew it Seamie found himself being restrained and handcuffed.
           The following morning as Seamie left the Garda station with Ned he looked again at the piece of paper Emily had given him with her phone number on it which was returned to him in the custody area with his other property prior to his release. He pondered his options as he contemplated whether to make that call or ot before deciding to himself “why not”.    

                                                                  10.
Evelyn Fitzgerald sat alone in her studio after her latest session with Seamus Cronin shocked at what was revealed to her. From the moment she encountered the young man she knew that he was troubled but she never figured the root cause would be to the extent of what was unveiled. The therapist reflected over the notes she took over the sessions to date and contemplated where the therapy should go from here. “Clearly I’ll have to delve further into the extent of the abuse that occured within his family” she figured to herself as a full account of the trauma in Mr Cronin’s life would have to be disclosed before a precise evaluation of his problems could be determined and an appropriate solution could be applied.  
           Ms Fitzgerald was very pleased however with the swift progress she was making in therapy with her client, she was also quite surprised with how forthcoming he was with the issues on his mind too. In her wide ranging experience as a therapist she had encountered a variety of clients who were trying to come to terms with trauma in their lives and a common trait they had was that they would be reticent initially with their true feelings and unwilling to dwell on the most painful issues. Mr Cronin was unique in that sense however in that he was very forthcoming from the very beginning with what was on his mind that was bothering him despite being very nervous upon entering her house. She found him a pleasure to work with despite the upsetting content of  what he had revealed to her but she was hopeful that if they both continued in the same vein of cooperation and understanding that she could help him in his pain and direct him on his long road to recovery. “His road is long but he is willing to make the trek, to discover, to learn and most importantly to heal” she thought to herself.
             By the Kinsale seafront Seamie was attired in a t-shirt, shorts and runners as he went jogging by the seafront. The sea air was invigorating as always but Seamie’s mind was preoccupied with what he had disclosed to his therapist about his past and why he did it. It was as if he had opened the door to a long sealed vault in his mind and allowed the demon’s to wander freely, his coping mechanisms gone with a pervading feeling of vulnerability now in place. He was out exercising in the hope that the endorphin rush from physical activity and the distractions of his surroundings might combat the feeling of anxiety which was overwhelming him. For so long he had numbed himself to life after the horrors of his past but now after meeting and working with Evelyn he was starting to feel again and though hope finally lingered a pestering fear was currently eclipsing it. His self loathing was coming to the fore also, conceived from a false sense of guilt in failing to protect his sister from what she endured. As he continued running by the waterfront he could feel the beat of his heart accelerating and his body saturated in perspiration, suddenly for no conscious reason he stopped as he hunched over panting. Seamie was suddenly drawn to the sight of the water as he looked inside to see his reflection and hated what was looking back at him. For a moment he thought to himself “if I throw myself in there now and let the water take me all my torment will be over” as a demonic voice in his mind kept saying “do it, do it”.                               

                                                                     11.
September 14th 2012,
Cork, Ireland
Seamie awoke in his hotel room with a beautiful woman beside him, her name was Emily Hogan. After leaving the Garda station that morning he decided later in the day to dial on his phone the number on the piece of paper he was given and press the call button and thus what followed was a whirlwind romance. Seamie and Emily agreed to meet for a dinner date at a renowned seafood restaurant in Kinsale as they furthered the chemistry which flowed between them. Initially Seamie approached the encounter without ever contemplating the possibility of romance, he perceived the young American lady as another potential sexual conquest who he would woo with charm and take whatever gratification her could from her before dispensing of her company mercilessly. Up to now the young man had been moulded by cynicism and pain with love merely an abstract concept to him,but there was something special about Emily which compelled Seamie to embark on a different emotional journey.
           The fisherman soon realised that the woman he was dating was not like any of the countless women he had sexual liaisons with before. Emily made it clear that she was not the kind of woman who was available for holiday romances or cheap thrills but for something more meaningful. “Meaningful”,  Seamie often pondered over that word privately, “what exactly could that mean?”, it was something he would discover on his romantic journey with Emily as for the first time in his life he met a lady who he could refer to as his “girlfriend” or “partner”. The American woman showed restraint when the prospect of engaging in sexual relations arose as she informed Seamie that she preferred to be romanced first by prospective suitors in the hope that their sense of honour and integrity would come to the fore which in turn would contribute to a meaningful relationship developing, after this sexual intimacy would follow.
         This was an alien concept to Seamie who never perceived relations with women in such a way before, he had met a woman who was educating him in new ways of the emotional being of which he felt a mysterious magnetism develop within him towards this woman. He felt new feelings and emotions cultivate inside him, seeds which she had sown, and these feelings were proving to be uplifting to him. “Could this be what love feels like?” Seamie thought to himself with a sense of hope, but his cynical side soon interjected with “hardly”. It did not bother Seamie that Emily was reluctant to engage in sexual relations with him after their first date or for the few dates they had after that before she returned to the United States of America with her family when the holiday concluded. Before she left for the airport with the rest of the Hogan clan the pair were teary eyed and sad as they said their goodbyes but undertook to keep in touch with one another, as the car drove away Seamie wondered would this be the last he would ever see of her and if so would he ever meet a woman like her again?. For the next two months the pair were in touch with each other every day via Skype and Facebook, often throughout the night as they overlooked the time difference in both countries. Seamie felt himself becoming besotted with the young lady and as she was preparing to start another college year he was looking at the possibility of emigrating to America or at the very least obtaining a temporary work visa as he tormented the personnel at the embassy in Dubin via telephone and email to discover his options. The young fisherman did not need to resort to such actions however as on an early September day a surprise came to him when Emily showed up in Kinsale with all her worldly goods in a backpack. Much to her parents annoyance Emily spontaneously decided to quit her college course and move to Ireland, the finer details she would sort out later, all that mattered to her was that she was with Seamie. When she showed up in the town the pair embraced and kissed passionately, this was the start of a special relationship.
           Emily found work waitressing in a Kinsale restaurant for a while before she managed to enrol in a business management course in UCC after which she worked part time between her studies. Seamie helped her with her visa application and with liaising with the Garda immigration bureau as the air became more hopeful that they would have a future together. To celebrate the couple went to Cork city for a night out in which they stayed in a hotel there, it was here at the end of their wining and dining that they had their first sexual encounter as their naked bodies entwined between the soft cotton sheets. This was another new experience for Seamie as for the first time in his life he was making love to someone as he intimately expressed his love for Emily instead of simply seeking quick gratification which he had done in encounters with other women. The following morning as the couple lay in bed kissing, caressing and fondling each other blissfully Emily asked her boyfriend, “Seamie, why have you not told me anything about your family?”. Seamie sighed deeply and paused for a moment as he replied with a smile “believe me Emily, there’s nothing there worth telling?”  Emily persisted though as she continued “no I don’t believe that, surely you have family, if we are going to get to know each other I have a right to know about them”. Seamie became more irritated now as he replied “I don’t want to talk about it now, when the time is right I’ll tell you everything”, this was not a satisfactory answer for Emily though as she asked with an impatient tone “tell me now”, “I told you I don’t want to talk about it” Seamie roared back her angrily whilst pushing her away. Emily looked in horror at her new boyfriend having just discovered a side to him she did not like.      

      
                                                                         12.
In therapy
Seamie was glad to be back in the therapy studio of Evelyn Fitzgerald having spent the previous week in the department of psychiatry in Cork University hospital as a voluntary patient. Since his anxiety attack whilst running by the seafront in Kinsale which resulted in him contemplating suicide he managed to resist the urge to do so and return back home to his wife where he confided in her with what had just happened, upon hearing the news his wife took him to hospital where he was continuously assessed, observed and medicated until the consultant psyciatrist at the hospital determined that he was not a danger to himself anymore and discharged him. 
          The young man was still feeling a deep unease within himself however as he sat with his therapist and recounted what had happened with him since the last session. He told her of the crippling feeling of anxiety he was having which resulted in him going to hospital but that the medication he was prescribed had help to alleviate such feelings, he was still of the view though that this would not be a permanent solution to the predicament he was in. “You’re quite right” Evelyn told him in agreement to his deduction of the situation “ medication only enables you to have the mental capacity to be proactive in finding a permanent solution to your problem, not a solution in itself” she then went on “despite the depths you feel you may have descended to Seamus I still see hope for you, in the midst of your despair you had the strength not to succumb to it and seek help, the fact that you are back here again in front of me confirms that you are committed to finding a solution to your problems and that ultimately you want to reclaim your life, trust me you will get there”, upon hearing these words Seamus felt an underlying feeling of hope surge upwards from inside him as he replied to Evelyn with a teary eyed smile “thank you”.
         “I know our last therapy session was difficult as regards what we discussed but I feel compelled to ask you if you wish to continue with the subject” Evelyn asked her client, Seamie thought about it for a moment and decided that it was in his best interests to continue with the discussion, “ok then” he replied. “You spoke of how your younger sister Alison was sexually abused when she was a young child, how long roughly did the abuse last for” Evelyn asked, Seamie took a deep sigh and spoke “from what I remember I’d say six to seven years, it would go on for most nights and sometimes during the school holidays and weekends in the daytime”. “When did it finally stop?” Evelyn asked in continuity with her line of questioning, Seamie in pondering this question felt himself well up with emotion again as he answered “ that would be when my father killed himself, I walked into the garage one day to find him hanging from a beam on the ceiling”.

                                                                    13.
May 25th 2013,
Chicago Illinois, USA
As the plane touched down at O’Hare International Airport Emily and Seamie felt a sense of excitement and trepidation with the holiday that lay ahead. Since their weekend in Cork the previous autumn the couple had been on their own journey of emotional discovery which proved somewhat tempestuous at times.The young fisherman’s charming and carefree psyche had quickly unravelled as the astute Emily saw through the facade that was initially presented to her. For Seamie the realities of a committed relationship were proving challenging to him as his girlfriend persisted with chipping away at his armour of reticence, she instinctively knew that he was a kind man capable of loving but that he was deeply troubled and in need of healing, Emily for her part found Seamie a challenge but one worth undertaking. The whole process proved dispiriting at times for the American lady though as she often became involved in fiery quarrels with her boyfriend resulting in household items being thrown in each others direction and broken along with harsh words being said. Emily had committed so much to this relationship already though as she uprooted from her comfort zone to be with Seamie so she was determined to make it work. What she did find most frustrating about her boyfriend was his utter reluctance to discuss in any significant detail any aspect of his past be it family, education, childhood memories or previous relationships, it was like there was a stone wall erected around him each time she approached the subject in which he was constantly evasive to questions put to him, this became the root cause to all of the quarrels in the couple’s relationship.
           There were redeeming factors between them however in that they enjoyed a spontaneous and enjoyable sex life, be it in the bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, garage or in public places the couple always manage to entice and excite one another through their creative and varied acts of intimacy and unbridled passion. Emily also found Seamie to be a romantic, caring and funny man who was simply afraid to show his vulnerable side. He would often sweep her off her feet with spontaneous romantic acts like love notes being left around the house for her, flowers when she least expected it and surprise candle lit dinners being prepared for her by the fisherman. Emily knew that Seamie was her soul mate, she just had to overcome the challenges that were being presented to her by the other side of his persona. It took awhile for Emily to get back in touch with her parents in Chicago but eventually they did get on board with her actions. The holiday she and Seamie decided to take would be an opportunity to heal the rift in the family caused by her impetuous act  along with Seamie getting a chance to see some of the wider world, he had never travelled outside of Ireland in his life before.
               The couple were met at the arrivals hall of the airport by Emily’s brother Toby who had a warm embrace for both of them as they met. “I have the car parked on a double yellow we better move quick”he told them both with a laugh as they swiftly moved to the exit door, “typical Toby always taking chances” Emily said back to him with a smile. Seamie was impressed with the mode of transportation that was presented to them outside of the airport, a porsche. “Now there’s a set of wheels” Seamie said in admiration, “my brother is a successful graphics designer with a computer gaming company, this is his plaything”  Emily responded, Toby was placing their luggage in the trunk of the car at the time and simply blushed at the remark. On the drive back to the family home on the outskirts of the city Toby informed her sister that he had broken up with his fiance Chantelle about two months previously, the split was apparently mutual, “aw no, I’m so sorry to hear that” Emily informed him. Seamie sat in the back passenger seat of the plush vehicle as he listened attentively to Emily and Toby catching up on family gossip whilst taking in his surroundings. For a young man who had hardly seen Dublin before the sight of the windy city was quite an eye opener for him with skyscrapers dominating the landscape and the hustle and bustle of the freeways and sidewalks. Inevitably the conversation between Emily and Toby turned to their parents and how they came to terms with their daughter’s impetuous flight to Ireland, “being honest with you Emily they were quiet pissed about the whole thing and didn’t want your name mentioned for a while” Toby informed her, “but they became more cool about it after that and reckoned as long as you were happy that was all that mattered” he added with a smile.
           The porsche pulled up in front of two large iron gates with an automated security system, the neighbourhood it was in was upmarket and suburban and made quite the impression on Seamie. Toby used his fob to open the gates as the vehicle drove up a long driveway surrounded on both sides by manicured lawns, leafy green trees and colourful vegetation, when it pulled it in front of a large mansion Seamie looked at it with awe. “Whoa Emily you never told me your home place was like this” the Irishman said to his girlfriend, “it’s just home” Emily said as she looked back at him and smiled. The family reunion was pleasant as Tom and Sandy Hogan embraced their prodigal daughter, their initial concern and disappointment had dissipated over time, they were pleased that she had met a man as genuine and reliable as Seamie who would take care of her and that she was showing initiative in her life. The Hogan family soon warmed to Seamie although they found his Cork accent difficult to understand at times along with the pronunciation of his name, at dinner on the first night of the couple’s visit Tom Hogan proposed a toast by saying “here’s to our guest and the special guy in our daughter’s life who I think we’ll just call Jimmy, I’ve been told that it’s the English translation is that correct son?” as everybody broke into laughter. During their stay in Chicago Emily gave Seamie a tour of the city which included a visit to the magnificent Sears tour and a boat trip along the Chicago River and Lake Michigan, the young Corkman was having the time of his life.
            For the rest of the holiday the couple went on a road trip on the famous Route 66 in which they used a shiny red Cadillac convertible from Mr Hogan’s garage which boasted an impressive collection of classic cars which were restored, a hobby which Emily’s father quite enjoyed. As they cruised down that famous freeway on those warm summer days with the wind blowing through their hair Seamie knew he was living the American dream. Along the route their itinerary included a visit to the famous Grand Canyon and as Emily looked over that world famous rugged landscape hand in hand with Seamie she got quite the surprise when he suddenly turned and got down on one knee as he produced a small silk box and said those famous words to her “will you marry me?”.          

                                                                   14.
In therapy
“I remember looking around the house for him one day, what for I can’t remember, I was looking everywhere as I kept calling “Dad, Dad,where are you”. The last place I checked was in the garage and that was where I found him swinging from a rope and pale as a ghost” Seamie concluded as he detailed his childhood experience to Evelyn of discovering his father’s suicide. There was silence for about a minute after that as the therapist processed what her client had told her before she interjected “oh Seamus I am so sorry to hear that, I can’t comprehend how difficult that must have been for you at the time, can you remember what happened after that?”. Seamie paused for a second before continuing “ I remember being so terrified and upset at the time, I remember the guards and the undertaker being there in the garage as they put his body into a bag and brought him away, I remember my aunt Susan screaming and crying with uncontrolled grief, but after that all I have retained is hate” the young man concluded as his eyes welled with rage. “You say hate” Evelyn said in observation “but what is that hate exactly for, where is it directed?”, Seamie continued “my hate is for him, that bastard who abused and raped my little sister, who beat me and my brother black and blue, who neglected us as he made himself drunk, that is who my hate is for” he shouted at Evelyn with an angry tone. The therapist could detect a deep anger in her client that he clearly did not know how to direct, she used a more tactful approach towards him this time as she said “ I can see that there is a deep anger as well as sadness in you over this subject, how have you managed to deal with these emotions over the years?”, Seamie replied “with alcohol mostly”.
              Evelyn thoughtfully took notes as she pondered over what Seamie had just told her, it was clear that the root cause of the trouble in his life stemmed from the misfortunes of his childhood but she needed to get the full story of what happened to him if she was to be conclusive in this determination. “ After your father’s death can you tell me what happened to you and your siblings?” the therapist asked Seamie, he replied “after that it was decided by the health board that we should all stay with our aunt Susan who would be our legal guardian so we went to live with her and her two children, our cousins”. Evelyn went on “it must have been a busy household then”, “it was” Seamie replied, “but it was a happy one too, a more stable time in my childhood,I was thirteen at the time it all happened and I was eighteen when I left so it wasn’t for that long.'' As Evelyn scribbled her notes and listened  she asked him “what happened to your brother and sister?”, Seamie answered, “my brother Fergal, well he dropped out of school early to try his luck as an apprentice mechanic but after awhile he got in with the wrong crowd and became involved in drugs, he was often in trouble with the guards and had my aunt Susan’s heart broke, eventually he left home as he was proving to be too much trouble and simply lost contact with all of us, where he is now I simply don’t know”. The therapist looked at him attentively as she then asked “your sister Alison, what happened to her?”at this point Seamie became emotional again as he said “Ali never got over what our father did to her, she became numb to life and was deeply troubled, eventually she started hanging around with a gang of girls who were involved in solvent abuse.One day aunt Susan had the guards call to her door to tell her that Ali was found in a car by the seafront in Kinsale unresponsive, apparently she had sniffed glue. The ambulance got her to the hospital as quick as they could but it was too late, she was only seventeen”.    

                                                                    15.
April 20th 2014,
Chicago Illinois, USA
“Emily take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity, in the name of the father, the son and the Holy Spirit, Amen” Seamie said as he placed the beautiful golden wedding band with three small diamonds on the finger of his new wife Emily Cronin. It as a pleasant late spring day in the Holy Name Cathedral in Chicago, the city’s foremost place of Roman Catholic worship. Tom Hogan being an esteemed businessman in the city and acquainted with the city’s Archbishop managed to obtain the venue for the wedding of his daughter to the young Kinsale fisherman.  After the vows were exchanged the new Mr and Mrs Cronin were received to rapturous applause by the wedding guests. Seamie’s only regret on what was the happiest day of his troubled life was that he had no family present to celebrate the occasion. The only associates he actually had at the event were his best man Jock and a few friends from the fishing industry in Kinsale who made the long journey. He had become somewhat estranged from his aunt Susan of late and Ned was not in the best of health meaning that he could not make the long trip to Chicago, he did send them his best wishes via Skype on the day though. 
          The reception was held in a marquis which was erected on the grounds of the Hogan estate in the Chicago suburbs with champagne, caviar, lobster and every other kind of opulence on display. The bride dazzled in her white sequin dress and tiara whilst the groom looked fetching in a charcoal grey suit. The guests were charmed by Jock’s Irish wit and banter during the speeches along with Tom Hogan’s heart rendering tribute to his daughter and her new husband. The couple danced the night away to a twelve piece band in what was a truly memorable moment for them.
          Since Seamie made his proposal to Emily less than a year previously their relationship seemed to be accelerating at a warp speed that those closest to them could not keep up with. Having come to terms with their daughter’s decision to quit her college course and follow her love interest to Ireland they then had to deal with the shock of the sudden engagement and the wedding preparations which followed. For some time Tom and Sandy Hogan wondered if Emily was thinking rationally at all and was merely infatuated with Seamie but when they questioned her about it and realised how determined she was they came to the conclusion that they had to support her or lose her, their concern never abated though. After the wedding Seamie and Emily went on a glorious honeymoon to St Lucia in the Carribean for two weeks where at the secluded island paradise resort each day they drank cocktails, made love, swam in the clear blue sea and watched the sun go down each evening, an idyllic start to married life . They both came to the conclusion that they wished to remain living in Kinsale as Seamie’s way of life was rooted in the town through fishing whilst his wife was more flexible in that regard.
            After they returned to the Co Cork town they did some refurbishments to Seamie’s family home where he was living as Emily’s presence there made it all the more cosy. One day though Seamie received some devastating news when his long time friend and mentor Ned died after a long  illness, but the loss came with an upturn in fortune when the couple received the news from Ned’s solicitor that he had bequeathed onto them a considerable sum of money and also had left Seamie the Albatross. The result of this was that Emily purchased a seafood restaurant on the Kinsale seafront which she managed whilst Seamie branched out on his own with the Albatross as he managed his own crew. For the young fisherman though his concealed demons came back to pester him again when he turned to the bottle once more. Long excursions away with his crew on the Albatross as they pursued their contracted catch quotas in the wild Atlantic meant that his absence lead to friction between him and his wife and soon they quarrelled and argued. In feeling despair from the difficulty of married life Seamie turned to alcohol as a coping mechanism as he often stumbled home inebriated or sometimes not at all, Emily was swiftly losing patience. One evening as he fell in the front door stinking of Jameson whiskey he was confronted by an irate Emily, “where the hell were you” she said to him with anger, “actually I don’t know why I’m asking you that I mean look at you, you’re a disgrace”.
           Her husband stood in front of her and then struck her in the face with the palm of his hand as he said in a drunken rage “don’t you fucking well talk to me like that woman”. Emily looked at him in horror, she didn’t know who Seamie was anymore and for the first time in their relationship she was feeling despair as she broke down crying and ran into their bedroom slamming the door behind her, she sat down on the bed with her face clasped in her hands and continued crying. “How did it come to this” she thought to herself, here she was alone in a foreign country married to an alcoholic and most concerning of all she was carrying his baby. 

                                                                 16.
In therapy
“How have you been feeling lately?” Evelyn asked Seamie as they began another therapy session. “I’ve been feeling ok” he replied “I reckon the medication has helped and talking to you, although difficult, has made me face some of my biggest fears which I have faced and survived, for that I feel much better” he elaborated with a confident air.  “Very good” Evelyn replied with a jubilant tone”, “I must commend you for the courage you have shown in therapy so far and how forthright you have been from the very beginning” she added in praise of her client. Ms Fitzgerald then raised another issue with Seamie which occurred at their initial meeting “ I want to bring you back to when you first entered this therapy studio, if you remember you appeared to be very apprehensive at the sight of a certain object I had perched on the bookshelf over there” she said whilst pointing to it. Seamie felt the sense of unease surge through his body as his therapist brought up the subject, he knew exactly what she was referring to, “I have removed it from the studio since then but I am sure you know what I am talking about,the ship in the glass bottle” Evelyn added. Seamie gulped and nodded towards her in reply, “ I can see it still brings you a sense of unease, I want to know why this is so?” Evelyn asked her client “has it any association with what we have been talking about”. “It has” Seamie answered “it’s to do with me and my father”.
                Evelyn took notes whilst Seamie proceeded with the story behind the ship in the bottle, “ besides the fishing and sailing another favourite past time of Dad’s was to make model ships in glass bottles which he would sell at local craft fairs, they were quite popular and he developed a reputation for his talent in making them. The visitors to Kinsale during the summer would often call to the house to see his display and to view him in action as he would meticulously first select and shape small pieces of wood and then paint them accordingly. With a steady hand and a long tweezers he would collect the fragments and place them through the neck of the bottle onto the painted adhesive at the side of it, the blue signifying the sea it floated upon. I would observe as he would carefully shape the body of the ship, the bow,the stern, the cabin, the masts, sails all crafted with care. The way in which he would apply himself to his craft as he patiently pieced the ship together inside the bottle was a work of genius, I was mesmerised. I quickly developed a love for the craft and when I was old enough he showed me how it was done”.   Evelyn stopped taking notes and looked at her client as she said “ I take it you and your father forged a bond together over the making of these model ships”, “yes we did” Seamie replied, “I can also take it that something went wrong between you and your father over this bond seeing that you appeared so apprehensive at the sight of the model that was here in the studio, would I be right in that assumption?” Evelyn asked. Seamie this time fighting back tears responded “yes”.  
           “At first Dad and I had so much fun making the ships in  bottles” Seamie said continuing the story, “ I was a good learner and at first I would start by cutting and shaping the small wood pieces and painting them, it was through this that I learned to be caring, attentive and most importantly patient, three attributes my father told me were essential to the craft. I would watch and learn carefully as my father would make and apply the adhesive to the bottle and after that I graduated to placing the pieces into it.” as Seamie said this he started crying again, Evelyn looked on compassionately at her client as he released his emotion. “That was when he would beat me” Seamie said after he managed to compose himself, “after my mother died as I have said before Dad became more cold towards everyone and he drank a lot, he still kept making the models as it was something to distract him which he told me himself. When I started the complex business of piecing together the ship in the bottle I would often make mistakes by dropping pieces which could not be retrieved and then he would lose his patience. He would hit me repeatedly across the head and shout at me to concentrate, telling me I could not do anything right. I would tell him I was sorry and that I would try harder the next time which I did but there was no pleasing him, he would continue to beat me up and yell at me to try harder. Eventually I managed to master the craft and after I completed my first ship in a bottle I was so proud of myself, probably the only time in my life I felt pride, as I looked at the ship on the adhesive blue sea. Not long after that my father hung himself though, all I ever wanted to do was to please him and for him to be proud of me but it never happened” Seamie said as he broke down crying again.   

                                                   
                                                               17.

May 8th 2016,
Kinsale Co Cork, Ireland 
“Honestly Emily we’ve had enough of him” Jock said to Mrs Cronin as they had coffee together in a Kinsale cafe. Seamie and Emily had been married for just over two years now but in the past four months the marriage had virtually dissipated. Since Seamie had first struck his wife after coming home drunk he was apologetic and utterly remorseful towards her and undertook that it would not happen again and initially it did not, but the rest of the old habits still continued. Emily did appreciate that her husband would be gone for days at a time with his work as a fisherman but what she could not countenance is the amount of hours he would spend in the pubs of Kinsale and other parts of Cork when he was on dry land, often drinking alone. He appeared to be adverse to responsibility within the home as he became involved in verbal altercations with his wife when difficult issues were brought up such as her pregnancy, managing money and their future as he often stormed out of the house claiming that he was going for a walk to “clear his head”, but Emily knew where he was really going.  When Emily went into labour Seamie was nowhere to be found as Jock rushed her to the hospital. Whilst she screamed in agony in the maternity ward as the midwife offered her encouragement Jock was scouring through all the public houses he could think of trying to locate his best friend as he tried to contact him on his mobile to no avail. Eventually, he caught up with him in a pub in Clonakilty where he found him heavily inebriated and arguing with a barman who was refusing to serve him, just as the barman was about to call the guards Jock stepped him and offered to take him home. As Jock drove away from the pub with Seamie slouched over in the passenger seat half asleep and mumbling drunken jargon his friend knew that it was pointless taking him to the hospital now so instead he bought him home and put him to bed, not informing his friend of the new arrival that was on its way. 
          The following morning whilst nursing another hangover Seamie made his way with Jock to the maternity wing of Cork University hospital where he discovered that his wife had given birth to a beautiful baby boy which she had decided to call Thomas after her father. Seamie was overjoyed at the sight of his newborn son as he picked him up and cradled him in his arms but the reception he received from Emily was not so jovial as she refused to speak with him, her husband had fallen to new depths of depravity with his drinking and he had let her down badly this time. Emily refused to listen to her husband’s feeble excuses and protestations as he made his way from the hospital to the only place he could think of right now, the pub, after all it was time to “wet the baby’s head”. Jock looked on at the bar at his friend as he descended yet again into drunkenness, it saddened him deeply that Seamie was going down a path nobody could him follow him and he felt frustrated that there was no way he could help.
        Seamie and Emily managed to put their difficulties aside for a while when they brought babyThomas home as her family came over to Ireland to see their bundle of joy and to attend his christening. Often during their visit Tom and Sandy Hogan quizzed their daughter as to how the state of her marriage was but Emily fobbed them off with a smile and informed them that all was good, she did not want her folks worrying over her. Seamie continued to play the model son in law as he took Tom and Sandy out on the boat again to go fishing, all was well in paradise so it appeared. Eventually after the dust had settled on the occasion of the new arrival and the dawn of an apparent “new chapter” for the Cronins, Seamie took to the bottle again. As Emily struggled at home with bottle feeds, diaper changes and sleepless nights Seamie again was doing disappearing acts with little money coming from him back into the house. Only for Emily’s restaurant was doing quite well with trade at the time she did not know how they would survive at all. Seamie descended further into the abyss as one night just outside Cork city he was arrested by the guards for drunk driving and subsequently disqualified from driving for two years, there was a flip side to this outcome however as far as Emily was concerned as it restricted him more to the home.Whilst at home Emily continued to hide whiskey and vodka bottles from her husband which made him more irate and when he hit her again the final straw had been drawn, Emily moved out of the family home with Thomas where after being given temporary board by a friend of hers living in Carrigaline she managed to find an apartment in Kinsale for her and the baby to stay in. Emily took an interim barring order out against Seamie from approaching the house or her as the couple prepared to fight for custody of baby Thomas in the family law courts.
          More concern for Seamie came from his crew on the Albatross who were becoming tired of his absenteeism and mismanagement resulting from his drinking habits. Jock had stepped in to take charge of the boat but business was suffering and he was at the end of his tether as to what to do with Seamie which is why he had arranged the meeting with Emily at the cafe. “I’m not joking with you Emily, the amount of times myself and the lads have had to take up the slack because he couldn’t be found because he was too drunk or hungover well, I know, you’ve suffered too”. Mrs Cronin listened with concerned with what Jock was telling her as she looked up and back from her espresso, she could see that her husband’s best friend was hurting too from what was going on. “ I know how bad things are Jock but what do you expect me to do?” she told him, “I mean Seamie brought all this upon himself, it’s just tragic that we have all been caught up in it”. Jock looked at Emily with an expression of fondness and empathy “ I understand that you have suffered worse than any of us from Seamie’s behaviour and because of that you want little to do with him now,I’m just asking you to talk to him, he won’t listen to me but there’s some chance he may listen to you. I don’t want to worry you as you have enough to contend with now but unless Seamie seriously ups his game with the boat and the business we’re going bust, simple as. I need Seamie back to his best as I simply can’t run things on my own in the long term, not like the way Seamie can when he is well. We’ve lost a lot of business and potential contracts lately and if we do go under it’s going to be bad for all of us, do you see where I’m coming from” Jock concluded with a deeply worried expression etched across his face. Emily seeing the deep state of concern Jock was in for his friend and their business took a deep reflective sigh and answered “ok, I’ll try”.   

                                                                 18.

The AA meeting
“Hi everyone, my name is Seamie and I’m an alcoholic” Seamie said to the circle of strangers around him, “hi Seamie” they all responded in unison. Along with the therapy, Seamie had undertaken with his wife to attend alcoholic’s anonymous meetings to deal with his “drinking habits” as he described the problem. As a result of his therapy sessions with Evelyn Fitzgerald however the young fisherman did not have the same reservations in seeking assistance for the issues that were threatening to destroy his life, it was through his therapist that he was referred to an alcoholics anonymous group based in Glanmire, Co Cork which conducted weekly meetings out of an adult education centre in the town. When Seamie approached the door of the centre for his first meeting however the initial apprehension which engulfed him prior to his therapy with Evelyn resurfaced inside of him again. He felt felt a metaphorical knot form in his stomach and his hands tremble as he opened the door of the room where the meeting was being held, inside there was a number of people of all ages and walks of life already present who were chatting with each other whilst drinking cups of tea. Suddenly Seamie was approached by a well dressed middle aged man who introduced himself simply as Jim. “This is your first time here I take it” Jim said to the young man, “y yes, it s” Seamie replied nervously as Jim shook his hand. “Its ok,it’s natural to feel uneasy in a place like this, all of us who have been here before have felt the way you do now but believe me, there’s nothing to worry about”. “Thanks” replied Seamie to the man for his words of kindness as the two of them chatted together casually for a while before the meeting started. 
               At the commencement of the meeting the crowd present gathered around Jim, who was one of the coordinators for the evening, with their chairs in a circular formation. Jim welcomed all present and explained to everybody the rules involved at the meeting. The core rule was confidentiality and how everybody was bound to it if they wished to continue to be involved in the programme. He also informed the congregation that everybody identify themselves by first name only and be courteous and respectful throughout the meeting. After that Jim asked if there were any newcomers to the group to which Seamie then introduced himself and told his story.
            “This is my first time here so bear with me if I appear to be a little nervous,” he said to everyone present, “ I started drinking when I was 16, I remember it well as me and some of my friends from school went mitching for the day and we drank bottles of cider down alleyways. I enjoyed the feeling then and it wasn’t long before the feeling became a habit. Initially I drank because I enjoyed it but after a while I did it to escape the reality of my life. I had a troubled childhood and I used alcohol to numb myself from life and to distract me from whatever emotional pain I was in. From the bottles of cider and cans of Dutch Gold I was having it progressed as I stayed in bars long after my friends were gone, “amateurs” I’d call them to slag them off as I’d continue with the pints, vodkas, shots, the whole shooting gallery really. I’ve lost count of the number of times I woke up on a street pavement, a Garda cell, the bed of a strange woman or in a hospital emergency ward never recalling how I got there. I became involved in more fights with people that I became a complete social pariah and as a result I have very few friends that I can trust. I always sought one night stands when I was drunk to gratify myself as I felt undeserving of any kind of a meaningful relationship, that changed in recent years as I met a special woman who I fell in love with and I am glad to say to this day is still my wife. But I reached a new low when I was with her as I continued to drink heavily and I neglected both her and my baby son. I then did the most shameful thing in my life when I hit her, all because she confronted me about my drinking, I still cannot forgive myself for it. I am here before you today because for the first time in my life I am admitting that I have a problem, I am laying my flaws and my vulnerabilities out in front of you because I do not want this problem to dictate the rest of my life and take any opportunity I may have of happiness away from me but most importantly what I am trying to say is I, I…... I need help” Seamie concluded his story fighting back tears as he sat back in his chair to the applause and support of those present.  

                                             19.
May 9th 2016,
Kinsale Co Cork, Ireland
It was a beautiful early summer’s morning in the town of Kinsale but in the garage of a house close to the harbour that mattered little. In that garage Seamie had his silver Toyota Avensis parked there, in recent times following his driving disqualification in the local District Court he had surrendered his licence and cancelled his insurance policy for the vehicle. His friend Jock had agreed to buy the car off him but Seamie knew that he wouldn’t need the money, not where he was going this morning anyway. The young fisherman took a hose pipe from the back yard into the garage where he fixed one end of it to the exhaust of the car with the help of a rag to ensure that the emissions could only travel through the pipe. He then ran the hose along the side of the vehicle where he placed the other end in through the front passenger side window and wound the window up tightly to secure it. Once Seamie was satisfied with his work he took an envelope with a note inside it addressed to Emily out of his pocket and placed it on the kitchen table of the house. The note inside outlined what Seamie was about to do as he apologised to his wife for all the wrong he had done to her. Attached to it was a handwritten account by Seamie of his last will and testament and instructions as to how it was to be carried out. “It’s for the best” Seamie thought to himself as he walked back into the garage and ensured that the windows were securely shut, once he was happy with this he knew the scene was set as he sat in the driver’s seat of the vehicle. Only one thing was now certain for Seamus Cronin, he was going to die.
            As he turned on the ignition of the car which got the toxic emissions flowing all around him Seamie reflected on his troubled life and what a failure he had been. He remembered his mother and the initial experience of love she brought into his life but how her death had turned things horribly wrong after that. He thought of the moments of happiness he had with his father and the cruelty he had inflicted on him and his sisters and the guilt he felt about not being able to protect them from the monster. “If only my mother had lived” he thought to himself, “maybe things could have been so much different”, but for Seamie they weren’t as he descended into the myriad of alcoholism. He had encountered enough tragedy in his early years than many people encountered in a lifetime, a life devoid of any love, affection or self worth when all were most needed. He reflected on those model ships in their glass bottles and how they were the only thing he managed to master in his life, at a great emotional cost. He also recalled his happy days as a fisherman and skipper of his own boat the Albatross, but from here he felt a great sense of failure too as he had repeatedly let down Jock and his friends through mismanagement and absenteeism resulting from his alcoholism. He thought about his younger brother Fergal who he had not seen or heard from in a number of years but who he hoped was well and happy with whatever he was doing, he also thought of his aunt Susan and the trouble he had brought upon her as an adolescent in return for her patience and kindness with him. Most of all though he thought of his darling wife Emily and his baby son Thomas, “oh Emily”, he said to himself as the fumes made him feel sleepy, “you were the only happiness I ever had in my life, the only good thing, and I messed it all up”. When he thought about the hurt he had brought her he was in no doubt that their lives would be better off without him there.
           Seamie throughout his life had no belief in any God or heaven but as his death edged closer his mind turned to such philosophical matters. He hoped that if such an afterlife existed he would be reunited with his mother and his sister Ali but with all the wrong he reckoned he had committed in this life he felt undeserving of such a fate.The young man eyes grew heavy as he slowly drifted away into a state of unconsciousness whilst the emission fumes from the car kept flowing into it.               

                                                                      20.
In therapy
“Would you mind if I made an analogy regarding your current predicament?” Evelyn asked Seamie at the start of another therapy session. Her client feeling somewhat puzzled at the question being put to him looked back at his therapist with an expression portraying such a feeling as he replied with an affirmative “ok”. “ I assume that you know what this is” Evelyn said to the young man as she showed him the model ship in a glass bottle that adorned her studio on the first day Seamie entered , on this occasion he did not feel any apprehension upon viewing it, he had confronted these feelings before and had concluded in his own mind that they were not going to own him, “yes I do” he replied looking sternly at the ornament. 
              “I was thinking about what you told me in our last session about how your father made these models and you learned the craft from him, particularly what you said about wanting to win his approval by being able to make these objects. All your life you have been devoid of love and encouragement when it mattered most and this has resulted in you growing up with a chronic lack of self esteem. Up until you spoke with me you have been unwilling to confront or even recognise these issues, you found alternative ways to numb yourself to life and keep you functioning from day to day, alcohol and meaningless flings being two of them. All this time you have followed gratification and mistook it as a potential solution to your problems in life, but in truth they were merely exacerbating the problem and increasing the inner void you felt. You have gone  through life with an innate sense of self loathing brought on by a misplaced feeling of guilt over the abuse inflicted on your siblings by your father, a guilt which you have carried all this time when in truth it was never your fault. Most tragically of all you were carrying this emotional baggage when you met your wife Emily and started a family and the inferiority complex within you simply came to the fore again because you never addressed the problem. In truth Seamus you are a smart, successful, kind, caring and brave individual and you have many desirable qualities but you have to realise this yourself, do you understand what I am saying?”. Seamie nodded at his therapist in acknowledgement and said “I do, but where does the analogy come into play?”.
               Evelyn then proceeded to explain her analogy using the model ship in a bottle she had, “ Imagine that this ship in the bottle is you, strong, sturdy, elegant, a sight to behold but when you look closer at it you realise that it is not going anywhere and the reason why it is not going anywhere is because it is trapped within the confines of the glass bottle. You resemble this ship because just like it you are trapped also, not in a glass bottle but within the limitations your mind has imposed upon you. These limitations are a manifestation of the trauma you have encountered throughout your life and your adverse reaction to them, much like the clear glass the boundaries cannot be seen but it does not disguise the fact that you are trapped. The ship in a bottle has a double representation of what you are as firstly it evokes memories of initial happiness, pride and a desire for self advancement as you learned the craft whilst on the other side  is the pain and trauma in your life which was instigated by your father. You may shudder and want to run from the ship in the bottle as it reminds you that you are trapped but ultimately you cannot as the ship is who you are, do you understand what I am trying to explain to you?” Ms McCarthy asked her client. Seamie sat there mesmerised as he pondered silently at what the therapist had told him before answering “yes I do, but how do I break free from this feeling of entrapment?”, “it’s quite simple really” replied Evelyn “you just break the glass that surrounds you and find your ocean, how you do that you must figure out yourself”.

                                                                     21.
May 9th 2016,
Kinsale Co Cork, Ireland
Emily Cronin reluctantly approached the house of her troubled ex husband, ever since the separation proceedings began she had little contact with Seamie which was predominantly done through her solicitor. On this occasion however she was doing a favour for his best friend Jock and for their fishery business, ultimately it would not serve in the best interests of their son Thomas if his father was to lose his principal source of income. She wondered was there any point to this visit as she knew that Seamie would be too drunk or too obnoxious to listen to her, but her son Thomas was her priority and for his sake she had to try. Emily knocked at the front door a number of times and got no answer, “he’s probably slumped out cold on the couch” she reckoned to herself as she used the front door key she still had to enter and step inside. Inside the house she found there was no sign of Seamie and called his name a number of times but got no answer, she went into the kitchen where she found  small white envelope on the table with her name on it. Mrs Cronin opened the envelope where to her horror she discovered the contents of the note that was inside, it read as follows

My darling Emily
By the time you read this I will probably be dead, I am so sorry to distress you but there are a few things you need to know. Firstly I want to thank you for coming into my life and giving me the only happiness I have ever known, both you and baby Thomas, my regret is that I could not return that happiness. For various reasons I never wished to tell you the true story about my past and I still don’t wish to reveal it, it’s all simply too painful but it is what I believe to be the reason I’m the screwed up person you know. I’m sorry I was not the husband I should have been for you and for all the times I mistreated you. I’m also sorry for not being there as a father for Thomas, I know he’s too young now but maybe in time he’ll understand what it was all about. I can only conclude that you would both be better off in your lives if I was not in them and because of that I have decided to take mine. Please tell Jock and the lads that I am sorry  for letting them all down with the business, I have enclosed my last will and testament which instructs what is to be done with what I have left, Jock is to get the boat whilst I hope both yourself and Thomas can make a home for yourselves in this house. I know you hate me but please understand that it was never my intention to hurt you. 
With all my love
Seamie

Emily went into a blind state of panic upon reading the letter as she raced around the house screaming “Seamie, Seamie” trying to find him but to no avail, having looked everywhere she went to the last place she had not checked, the garage. When she went inside she saw the Toyota Avensis parked there with the ignition running and the pungent smell of exhaust emissions that were threatening to suffocate her. She grabbed an old towel that was in the garage to cover her nose and mouth and ran towards the car where she found Seamie lying lifeless in the driver’s seat, there was no time for distress as Emily opened the car door and managed to pull Seamie from the vehicle. Using all her strength she managed to drag her husband on the floor towards the garage door and outside where once away from the toxic air she gasped a few times before calling an ambulance and then performing CPR on him.She continued with the mouth to mouth resuscitation for several minutes before Seamie gasped and coughed to her relief.
            The young fisherman awoke a number of hours later where as he adjusted his eyes to his new surroundings he found that he was lying on a bed behind a screen in the emergency department of Cork University hospital, a location he was depressingly familiar with. He looked to the side of the bed where he found Emily sitting on a chair looking directly at him, her eyes were red and it was clear to him that she had been crying, another thing was also clear to him in that his suicide attempt had failed. “What were you thinking” Emily asked her husband as she looked at him with a stern expression, “were you really going to let Thomas grow up without knowing his father? were you going to leave the few people you care about in a state of permanent confusion as we try to figure out why you really did it and why you wouldn’t talk about it? are you ever going to think about anybody else other than yourself?,Emily’s tone became more irate as she spoke. Seamie looked back at his wife with an empty expression as he sighed deeply, but he could not find the words to rationalise why he did what he did. 
           “I read your letter ” Emily added as she went on, “Seamie you need to tell me what it is that is troubling you, I mean all this time you have been holding back from me even though we are supposed to be husband and wife and look at you now, look at us, for heaven’s sake Seamie you need to talk to me if you care about anything at all. You’re lucky to call to the house when I did otherwise I wouldn’t be talking to you now, the doctor says you’ll be ok but it was a close call. The reason I was calling to you is that Jock is worried too and what is happening with the boat, if you don’t sort yourself out you’ll lose the business too along with everything else, please Seamie I’m begging you save yourself, if you cannot do that at least allow the rest of us save you from yourself”, she concluded with tears in her eyes. Seamie upon hearing his wife closed his eyes and realised there was no other option as he detailed his troubled past first with his mother’s death, then with the repeated abuse his late father inflicted on both him and his siblings before witnessing his suicide, then his sister’s tragic death and the struggle he has had ever since with alcoholism, subsance abuse and a chronic lack of self worth. As he concluded his account the young man broke down crying as his estranged wife hugged him, “promise me one thing Seamie” she said to him “get help”.
             It was September 14th 2016 when Jock dropped Seamie off in the silver Toyota Avensis outside the country home of Evelyn Fitzgerald having been referred there by his wife, even though he was at rock bottom and scared today was going to be the day when he would start to climb out of the hole he was in.     
 
                                                                     22.
February 27th 2017,
Cork University Hospital mortuary,
Cork, Ireland
Seamie walked with the Garda into the mortuary as the pathologist prepared to draw back the white sheet which concealed the identity of the face underneath. It was four days after the young fisherman had his last therapy session with Evelyn Fitzgerald when she made the interesting analogy using the model ship in a bottle which had got him thinking ever since. As he sat having breakfast that morning with Emily and baby Thomas pondering how how would “break out of the bottle” his train of thought was interrupted by a phone call. “ Mr Seamus Cronin?” asked the male voice on the other end of the line, “yes, you’re talking to him” replied Seamie, “this is Garda Ger Scullion of Anglesea Street Garda station” the voice replied before going on “there’s no easy way of saying this but  a body of an unidentified male was brought into the mortuary at Cork University hospital early this morning, we believe that he may be your brother Fergal Cronin” Seamie gasped with horror upon hearing the news. The voice continued, “the reason I am calling you is that we are not aware of any next of kin other than yourself who may be able to assist us with an identification, would you be able to help us in that regard?” he asked, “y y yes” replied Seamie with stutter. “Good” replied the Garda, “I’ll see you at Cork University hospital where I’ll explain more to you”, “I’ll be there in an hour” answered Seamie as the call cleared. “What’s the matter” asked Emily as she sat across from him at the kitchen table feeding baby Thomas on her lap, “it’s my bother Fergal, he’s dead,” replied her husband with a stunned expression.
              At the hospital Seamie met with Garda Scullion who explained to him the circumstances of the discovery “we responded to a call early this morning about trespassers in a derelict house in the city centre, when we got there we found a young male unresponsive who was brought here to the emergency department but was pronounced dead on arrival. We believed he died from a heroin overdose”. Seamie was so horrified upon receiving the details that he had to sit down to process what he just heard. “The reason we reckon that the male concerned is Fergal is that your brother is well known to us for obvious reasons, I understand you two have not been in contact for a while?” inquired the Garda, “no, no we haven’t, Fergal had his problems down through the years, I just never thought it would come to this” Seamie responded. “If you follow me this way Mr Cronin I’ll bring you to the mortuary” Garda Scullion informed him as Seamie followed him trembling in dreaded anticipation. At the mortuary Seamie was brought to a large table in a cold, desolate place where the smell of death crudely invaded the senses, he looked on as the pathologist pulled back the white sheet and he stared into the face of his dead brother.
              Three days later at the funeral a sparse gathering congregated at the local cemetery in Kinsale for Fergal’s burial service consisting of a few estranged cousins, Seamie’s aunt Susan along with Seamie, Emily and baby Thomas. As Seamie looked on stony faced with the coffin being lowered into the ground he thought of nothing else but his late brother, how they played and quareled in the past, the fun they had in their father’s boat, the pain they both experienced at their mother’s death, the abuse and torment they both suffered at the hands of their father, the guilt he felt at not being able to protect Fergal from the horrors he encountered in life, the pain they both felt again at the loss of their sister Ali and ultimately how it came to pass that they drifted from each others lives as the younger brother wandered down a dark path nobody could follow him on which culminated in what Seamie was looking at today. He felt that he had no more tears left to give but Seamie still managed to shed one for Fergal as he threw the first piece of earth on his coffin whilst it lay on the ground, “find peace my brother” he said to him “this life had none to offer you”.
              After the service Seamie was at his aunt Susan’s house where he was having tea and sandwiches and chatting with his cousins when his aunt approached him, “come into the kitchen Seamie in your own time, we’ll have a chat”. About five minutes later Seamie went into the kitchen where Susan was there alone with a face that looked just as grief stricken as his but still managed a warm smile when she saw him. “It’s been a while since I saw you, too long really, how have you been?” she asked him as she embraced him with an affectionate hug. “I’ve been keeping well Aunt Susan” responded Seamie, “really, that’s not what I’ve heard” replied Susan as they sat down at the kitchen table. “Really” said Seamie “what have you heard”, “never mind that for a second” replied Susan “first of all I want to tell you how happy I was to hear that you found someone special in your life, Emily is a lovely girl” she said smiling. “Se sure is” responded Seamie, “she’s been my rock”, “and baby Thomas” replied Susan, “he’s a little dote, he’s the image of his daddy”, Seamie blushed and smiled at that remark. The pair chatted for a while about each others lives and their memories of Fergal before Susan said to her nephew “Seamie, for all the times I let you down when I should have been there for you, I am sorry”, Seamie upon hearing this felt the tears flow from him as he responded, “it’s ok Aunt Susan” he responded emotionally, “it wasn’t your fault, besides you had enough to be dealing trying to bring all of us up along with your own family after Dad died”. “Still though” Susan responded “I can only but feel guilty, your wife told me in confidence what had happened to you recently and how unhappy you have been, it saddened me terribly to hear it”. Seamie didn't know how to respond to that remark initially, he was taken aback that Emily had told her what had happened and not so long ago he would have reacted angrily to such a revelation but this was now and there could be no more running away from his difficulties if he hoped to overcome them. “I have been in a dark place for a long, long time Aunt Susan, did she tell you about what happened with my father?” Seamie asked her, “she did” responded his aunt, “I never knew how much of a monster my brother could become despite what grief he felt at the death of your mother, the important thing Seamie is to always remember that it’s not your fault, it never was and you should never have carried any guilt in the first place. Look at Ali and Fergal, they’re gone now but you are still here, you’re still standing here with a God given chance to make a good life for yourself if you only allow it, your brother and sister never had that chance. You have the opportunity to grow and to love, it’s precious, don’t let it pass you by because life is too short” Susan told him as the pair hugged again. This time Seamie was going to make good use of the advice given to him. 

                                                                     23.
May 25th 2017,
Inchydoney beach,
Inchydoney island, Co Cork, Ireland
It was a beautiful early summer’s day on the majestic Inchydoney beach overlooked by the famous hotel and spa which drew a number of visitors to the locality throughout the year. Seamie Cronin sat on a deck chair whilst reading a book whilst Emily sat on a rug beside him playing with Thomas who was busy exploring the sand with his bucket and spade. The book Seamie was reading was one Evelyn Fitzgerald had given him called A man’s search for meaning by a holocaust survivor and Austrian psychiatrist called Victor Frankl. The book was hardly the kind of reading material you would take with you for a day at the beach but to  Seamie the content was captivating and he could not put it down. The book detailed how the author mentally adapted to the horror he encountered and endured whilst a prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp during World War 2. Incredulous suffering was inflicted upon him whilst he was a prisoner as the sight of death was an everyday occurrence along with sickness, malnutrition and senseless brutality. To Seamie whatever trauma he had encountered in his entire life was insignificant to what the author had to endure in a few short years as the willingness for one to carry on and survive in the face of unbearable suffering was tested every day. What had captivated Seamie though was how the author mentally adapted to his trials as he discovered that the essence of life and living was not meaning itself but the pursuit of meaning. Regardless of how wretched one’s existence could be at any given time it could still have meaning once the sense of purpose still existed in one’s subconscious. The author detailed how fellow prisoners died on a daily basis from a lack of willingness to live as they found their existence too unbearable, their spirits broken, but he himself managed to survive from a different mindset which he later described as  logotherapy and thus a new study in psychology was born.   
              Seamie pondered how logotherapy could be adapted to his own life as he searched for his own sense of meaning. It was three months since Fergal’s death and since then he had been involved in a lot of soul searching with the assistance of Evelyn. Along with this he had been going to the AA meetings which he found helpful as he went about the twelve step process and took great solace in being to confide with other people who were going through the same struggles he was. The situation regarding his home life had improved as Emily had moved back in with him and he started to bond with his son Thomas, for the first time he was starting to fulfill his role as a husband and father. The marriage counselling sessions the couple had undertook were certainly beneficial along with the fact that Seamie was sober for a year now, things were in a better place which in turn provided for cautious optimism but the threat of regression still loomed. Seamie was still looking for something in life that he could really engage in and get that sense of purpose he was reading about and now craved, he looked for something he could use to shake off the shackles of past inferiorities and restore a sense of tacit pride within himself, he was still searching.
              Suddenly Seamie’s attention was drawn from his book when he heard a shrill scream coming from just down from where he was as a woman cried “aaahhhh nooo Jordan, Jordan somebody please help”. He looked out at the sea where he saw a young boy struggling to keep his head above water as the ravaging waves crashed over him. It appeared that he was on an inflatable lilo when suddenly he ran into difficulty causing him to fall off it as he now struggled frantically. As his mother remained on the shore in a state terror it was quite apparent that she could not swim as others ran to alert the lifeguard who was further up the beach. “Stay here” Seamie said to Emily as he took off his t shirt and ran towards the sea, it was clear to the young man that there was no time to procrastinate, there was a life at stake. “Wait Seamie what are you doing” Emily shouted after her husband but he was not listening. The fisherman charged into the sea until it was almost waist high on him and after that he submerged himself and swam out to where the distressed boy was. The waves were large at times but Seamie used his swimming skills to negotiate them as he saw that the boy was barely conscious. “Hang on Jordan I’ve got you” Seamie said, remembering the boys name, he appeared to be no more than ten years old. He looped one of the boys arms around him and swam back to shore.The waves were strong though and Seamie was finding himself in slight difficulty before the lifeguard came to his aid and they both managed to get him back on dry land. Back on the sand it was discovered that the boy had lost consciousness as the lifeguard desperately performed mouth to mouth resuscitation on him, he continued to be unresponsive though. Just when it appeared all hope was lost the boy coughed and spluttered as he was turned sideways to eject the unwanted seawater from his lungs. Seamie walked back towards where Emily was with the baby as she smiled at him and said “looks like you’ll never kick your habit for scaring me”.
                                                                          24.

In therapy
“I think I’ve discovered it” said Seamie, “discovered what?” Evelyn inquired, they were both back in the therapy studio for another session, the first since Seamie had his life saving episode at the beach. “How to escape from the bottle, I applied what I learned in the book you gave me, which was a very good read might I add, to my own life situation and suddenly I can feel the glass shatter around me”.  Evelyn looked at her client with a genuine expression of glee on her face, “very good” she said “how did you come to that conclusion?”. “I remembered what Dr Frankl said in the book that the essence of living life itself lies not in the meaning but in the pursuit of meaning, to have a sense of purpose as you go about each day. Despite how wretched life may be it can still have a sense of purpose about it and from the pursuit of meaning comes the meaning itself. I found that I was making great progress from the therapy and the AA meetings, not to mention the support I was receiving from my wife, but I still felt that there was a missing piece in the jigsaw, something that would safeguard me from regressing back into my old vices. It was through reading Dr Frankl’s book that I discovered where that missing piece lay, in finding that sense of purpose that would sustain me from day today but I was struggling to discover what exactly it was.For too long I was self focused as I sought self gratification and allowed self loathing to dictate every decision I made and deny every opportunity that arose when all I had to do was look outward. I was in constant victim mode which meant that I was not giving myself the capacity to stop the habit of blame and learn from life’s setbacks to allow myself to heal and to grow. A few days ago I was at Inchydoney on the beach with Emily and Thomas when I intervened in an incident where a young boy was drowning, I managed to swim over to him and save his life. The incident helped me to reflect on the kind of person I am and what I can become, then I looked at my wife and son and discovered where my true purpose in life lay, as a husband and father. By being a protector and provider I am needed and from there my sense of duty and ultimately purpose will derive from, it is from here that I will arise from the abyss that I find myself in.”
              Evelyn was almost speechless with admiration with what her client had told her, it was clear that through her guidance he had managed to map his own road to redemption and now he was about to embark on it. “Wow, all I can say Seamus is well done” the therapist said as Seamus continued, “my new found sense of purpose is the way out of the bottle, there is wind in my sails and the glass around me, that of self loathing, addiction, fear and doubt, is about to shatter”.

                                                                      25. 
June 11th 2019,
Kinsale Co Cork, Ireland
“By God that’s a great haul we got lads” Seamie said to Jock and the rest of the men as they finished on the boat after another successful fishing expedition. “It sure was” said Jock as they looked at the crates of mackerel and sea bass being taken away at the pier, “and to think that we were so near going under not that long ago,still it’s great to have you back” he added with a smile. “Thanks to you and the lads for helping me find the way back, I couldn’t have done it without you” Seamie said to his long time friend as both men shook hands and patted each other on the back. It was over three years now and Seamie had still not put a drop of alcohol to his lips, through the AA meetings he had obtained a sponsor who helped him through the most challenging times of his abstention after which he concluded that the things that don’t kill you in this life only make you stronger. His aunt Susan was right, he was not to blame for the awful things that happened with his father in the past but he had an opportunity to do right with the wrong that happened then. His mother, Ali and Fergal and Ned were gone for good that he knew but he was still here and because of that he had a duty to their memory to live a meaningful and fulfilling life, not to be stuck in the quagmire of victimhood, as his aunt Susan also said life was simply too short for anything else. Seamie diverted his attention in times of challenge to the many positives that were in the here and now of his life, his beautiful family, his good friend in Jock, the good people in his life like his aunt Susan and Evelyn Fitzgerald, the home he had to go back to, a job and a way of life he loved in fishing and most importantly his health, for so long he could not see this but now the fog had lifted.
         “The lads are talking about going for a few pints this evening I take it we can count you out” Jock said to Seamie laughing, “trust me Jock, I have all I need back home” Seamie replied with a smile as he prepared to head back there. Whilst he walked the short journey home the young fisherman reflected on the soulful journey he had made over the past few years and the potential challenges which lay ahead. Indeed it was one of great personal growth but the threats and the vulnerabilities towards regressing would always be there but through his growth journey he had developed two considerable traits which could counteract such problems. The first was his greater sense of self awareness which allowed him to rationalise why he was feeling or behaving in a certain way at any given time and the second was his ability to  communicate his problems, his fears and worries which ran through his head in order to prevent them from manifesting into anything greater than what they were. Both would be crucial as he negotiated the road ahead but most importantly he knew that he was not alone.
            As Seamie turned the key for  the front door of his house he knew he was entering a place where tenderness and love could prosper, not suspicion and misdirected anger like before. As young Thomas ran to greet him in the hallway he picked him up and gave him an affectionate fatherly hug, finally he was allowing the best of him to prosper. In the kitchen Emily was preparing dinner, she was four months pregnant with the couples third child on the way, their second child a one year old baby girl Ali was in her playpen happily oblivious to the grown up bliss around her. Seamie embraced his wife and kissed her, he knew it was good to be home, to a place that love could nurture and grow. “I’ve only started to prepare dinner, it won’t be ready for an hour” Emily told her husband, “that’s ok” he replied “it’ll give me some time beforehand to do a bit more with that thing I have been working on”. Seamie went into the garage at the side of the house to a work table he had set up there, on it he had a model ship in a bottle he was working and was almost complete. He pulled up his stool and went to work on some of the finer details that were left to complete but just as he was about to commence he heard the pitter-patter of tiny footsteps run up alongside where he was sitting as little Thomas declared “big ship Dada, big ship”. Seamie looked at his son with affection as he placed him on his lap and said to him “here, let me show you how it’s done”. The ship had escaped from its bottle, it was now time for it to set sail.

                                                           THE  END.                                   
             
                                                                                                                                                                      
                

                                         SHIP
                                           IN
                                    A   BOTTLE

                                
                                 Padraig Cosgrave     
  
                                              
                                 

                                    PROLOGUE

The large red brick country house was the essence of serenity as the car  drove up the short driveway leading to it. The finely manicured lawns were complemented by a magnificent rockery and an array of autumn bedding plants, the fallen leaves from the overlooking spruce, ash and oak trees provided a blanket of gold and brown in a kaleidoscope of colourful autumn delight. Ornate statues of mythical Greek figures adorned the garden landscape with the centerpiece being a rather garish fountain which was decorated with two marble statues of semi nude females, possibly Greek goddesses, standing back to back and holding what appeared to be  jugs above their heads which both pumped out a clear stream of water into the basin of the fountain below. Seamie gazed in bemusement at this feature, although it was somewhat unorthodox for his taste, he did see how it integrated into the ethos of calm which was the pervading throughout his current surroundings.  
             Seamie was anything but calm though as he sat in the passenger seat of the car, a silver Toyota Avensis, which his friend Jock parked in the spacious and decoratively paved yard in front of the large red brick house. He gathered his thoughts together for a moment as he remained seated in the car, taking deep breaths and exhaling with equal gusto. For quite a while now his wife had been firstly coaxing and now pestering him to seek what she called “professional help”, he eventually succumbed to all this because a recent turn of events had made him realise that his sanity and even his very life itself was tethering on the brink. Seamie knew that he had to do something drastic, no matter how unappealing it may be to him, in order to hold onto that which mattered most to him. He had recently made an attempt to take his own life which resulted in him being hospitalised for a spell and his darling wife Emily was threatening to leave him with their infant son Sean if he did not receive the help he needed. It was time for Seamie to swallow his pride and speak to somebody about the inner demons which over the course of his life he had shrouded his mind and enslaved his thoughts.
              This was not going to be an easy task for Seamie however, the very concept of therapy was ridiculed by him in the past and he could not countenance the notion of him speaking to a complete stranger about profoundly personal issues that he would not speak about to those closest to him. Now here was Seamie in the driveway of the house of a psychotherapist that his wife had recommended him, as he prepared to step out of the car the feelings of anxiety that coursed through his body were almost tangible.”Don’t be worried, you’ll be fine” Jock told his friend in an act of reassurance, “I’ll be here waiting for you when you get out, good luck”. Seamie closed the door of the car behind him and walked towards the large oak front door of the house with a prevailing sense of fear and trepidation. A number of questions were running through Seamie’s head, what way will the councillor behave towards him?, would he be able to open up to her?, would he get cold feet and run?, would he break down crying?, would he get panic attacks?, would he speak at all?such questions were playing over and over in his mind as he stood in front of the door and pushed the  bell, it gave a shrill ringing sound. A moment or two passed which for Seamie seemed like an eternity as he heard footsteps approaching on the other side of the door along the hallway and the sound of the door opening.
             Evelyn Fitzgerald was a pleasant woman in her early sixties who had extensive experience in the areas of psychological and behavioural therapy. Her elegant dress sense and sallow complexion defied her developed years and a rigorous routine of yoga, meditation and a healthy diet complemented this further. Having been widowed for the past decade with her grown children now having “flown the nest” to lives of their own she had more time on her hands to do what she really wanted, that as to run her own therapy clinic. Her uncanny ability to show empathy and honesty to her clients along with her friendly manner endeared her to many along with an innate ability to understand the human mind. It was through word of mouth that Seamie’s wife had heard of her and made the referral, if there was anybody who could help him Evelyn could, so she reckoned. Her practice was run from her home which was in the Carrigaline Co Cork area approximately one mile from the town in a secluded country area. Evelyn approached the front door to answer it upon hearing the bell, when she opened the door she found a very apprehensive young man waiting on the other side. “Hello, you must be Seamus” she said as she shook hands with him whilst smiling in an attempt to transcend his anxious disposition, “y y yes, y you must be Evelyn” Seamie replied with a nervous stutter. The young man could see that the lady in front of him was friendly and reassuring but he was a long way from his comfort zone, he would need all the help he could get. “Please, do come in” Evelyn said as she beckoned for Seamie to enter, inside he found an impressive large hallway with a solid timber floor and a large staircase running up the centre of it to give it a classical look. This was juxtaposed by a number of paintings of modern art works which adorned the walls, to Seamie they were rather eye catching but right now he had more pressing matters on his mind. “I can see you’ve never experienced anything like this before” Evelyn remarked to him, “you’re right, my first time” Seamie replied rather awkwardly. “Don’t worry” Evelyn reassured  “there’s no need to feel uneasy, just follow me this way and I’ll explain everything to you”, Seamie then followed the kind woman down to the bottom of the hallway to a room which he took to be her studio. Inside the room the aroma of lavender incense filled the air to facilitate a relaxed environment and a suite of comfortable leather chairs were aligned together in the middle of the room adjacent to a large swivel chair which Seamie assumed was where Evelyn would sit. The sound of gentle meditation music was being played on a speaker in one corner of the room and a wall was adorned with various framed certificates of diplomas and degrees Evelyn had obtained from her studies down through the years. It was in the other corner however that Seamie’s gaze suddenly became transfixed on and caused him to become more anxious, he was looking at a bookshelf in which a number of books on psychotherapy belonging to Evelyn were displayed and on one of the shelves rested an ornament which caught Seamie’s eye. As he continued staring Evelyn asked him “is there something the matter?”, Seamie remained silent and continued looking at a model ship inside a glass bottle.  

                                                 1.
July 7th 2012,
Kinsale Co Cork, Ireland
“Are you nearly finished cleaning that deck” Ned shouted at Seamie in a state of exasperation and annoyance, “just done now” Seamie replied as he concluded mopping the pristine timber boards. “ I want this boat shining” Ned exclaimed “ we have some visitors coming on board today for a fishing trip and I want to make a good impression”.   Edward “Ned” O’Flaherty was a 56 year old skipper of a fishing trawler called “ Albatross” which was currently moored at a pier in Kinsale harbour as the crew prepared it for a fishing expedition which was scheduled to take place later that morning. Ned was an experienced and very capable fisherman and skipper whose very existence revolved around the sea. His gnarled and weather beaten appearance made him look older than he was and his somewhat gruff demeanour at times meant that he could come across as abrupt and unfriendly but to those closest to him nothing could be further from the truth. Working with Ned on the boat were two trusted younger men who lived locally near the harbour, firstly there was Tony “Jock” O’Sullivan, aged 23 who had a maverik and fun loving approach to life. Jock had experienced dysfunctions and dispossession in his youth and left home at 18 after falling out with his family, originally from Cobh, Co Cork he found employment on the boats of Kinsale having worked in a number of other jobs previously and it was here that Ned O’Flaherty took him under his wing. Although impetuous and intemperate at times Jock adapted to a life at sea quickly and became a skilled fisherman, it was with Ned that he grew on an interpersonal level and experienced a level of self actualisation he never before felt he had within him.       
        Ned’s other assistant was Seamus “Seamie” Cronin, a few years older than Jock at 27 and different on a number of levels. Firstly Seamie was more reserved and thoughtful than the impetuous thrill seeker that was Jock, he also exuded a natural charm and greater intelligence than his seafaring colleague. There was a contrasting side to Seamie’s personality however in that he rarely spoke his mind or disclosed details pertaining to his private life or history, to those that knew him Seamie was a quintessential man of mystery who had an uncanny habit of diverting attention away from him when personal questions arose. Both men had certain traits in common in that they were hard working sailors and fishermen who had  adopted the seafaring way of life as their own identity, they also had come to be good friends over the years who played as hard together as they worked and helped each other whenever they could, with Ned overseeing them the three had come to a surrogate family of sorts.
         It was a beautiful mid summer’s morning in the picturesque fishing town of Kinsale, Co Cork in the south of Ireland. A warm sun was rising early to lift the curtain on a lovely day as its reflection danced across the clear blue sea and the boats moored there hardly rocked such was the calm among the waves. The town of Kinsale is popular among tourists and holiday makers with its picturesque setting, reputation for good seafood and varying range of maritime activities  making it an attractive location particularly during the summer time. This morning was another morning at the height of the tourist season as Ned, Seamie and Jock scurried about to get the Albatross presentable for the visitors that were due to come on board today. Jock ensured that all the necessary fishing equipment was on board and in good working order, Seamie gave the deck a good clean and shine whilst Ned inspected the mechanics of the boat to ensure that the sailing would not encounter any unforeseen difficulties. Seamie noticed that Ned was a little more apprehensive than usual about these visitors that were coming on board today, he seemed rather keen to make the right impression. The truth was the client who was hiring the boat for a fishing trip was a wealthy Irish American businessman who was bringing members of his family along with him. Ned was excited in that this particular client was paying handsomely for the experience and he was hoping that with the right impression made he could send further business his way.
         When the two younger men had completed their tasks on board Ned called them aside to explain to them what was happening today, “well done lads, you have her (Albatross) in top shape. You might notice that I’m a little more excited than usual this morning and the reason is this, the client we’re expecting on board is a prominent Irish American businessman from Chicago called Tom Hogan. He is over here on holidays with his family and he has paid a considerable sum to use the Albatross for a fishing trip today, because of this I expect  both of you to be on your best behaviour and be polite and helpful towards our visitors. With the right impression I believe we can get more of these trips in the future which is good news for all of us”. Both Jock and Seamie listened to what their mentor was telling them and they nodded in agreement, they could not share his excitement though as they approached the occasion as another day’s work to get on with.
           An hour later the distinguished visitors arrived on the pier all appropriately attired for a day at sea. Leading the party was the patriarch Tom Hogan, a man in his early sixties with a rotund appearance and receding hairline on his head. His tanned skin suggested that he had done his share of travelling to exotic locations through the years and he was dressed in an elegant Aron sweater and grey pants, he had a pleasant and upbeat demeanour about him as he greeted Ned before boarding the trawler. Mr Hogan was followed on board by his wife Sandy of similar age and exuded a natural elegance about her, she in turn was followed by their adult son Toby, a man in his late twenties who was accompanied by an attractive brunette lady who the men assumed was his wife. They all shook hands with Seamie and Jock as they came on board the trawler and were all full of pleasant smiles and small talk, the guest that followed them however was someone who would really make an impression on Seamie. Last to come on board was a young lady in her mid twenties with raven black hair and piercing blue eyes, her skin was sallow and she was approximately 5’4 in height with a petite build. From the moment she came on board the vessel it was clear that she had a captivating personality and her smile exuded a glow that could illuminate the darkest night. Seamie took her to be the businessman’s daughter and from the moment she arrived he knew he had to get to know her, the young man moved forward enthusiastically to make his introduction, “hello ma’am, my name is Seamie and I’ll be looking after you all on the boat here today” he said to her as he shook her hand. “ Hi” she replied with a smile, “I’m Emily”.

                                                                   2.  
In therapy
Seamie could feel his diaphragm lifting each time on following Evelyn’s instruction to take slow deep breaths in and slowly exhale, he did this a number of times and he could feel a natural relaxation gracefully flow throughout his body as he did so. He was sitting on a comfortable leather chair in the therapy studio of Evelyn Fitzgerald’s home while she sat directly across from him on a swivel chair, after having recorded some details from him in her notepad she put it aside to begin the therapy proper. Firstly she could see that her client was very tense and she would have to get him to relax if there was any prospect of him divulging any of his inner subconscious to her, thus she began with the breathing technique a tactic most clients reciprocated to and it was clear that it was effective in this instance also. “So how do you feel after that” Evelyn asked Seamie when they had concluded the breathing exercises, the young man was impressed and voiced his approval “that was very good, I can’t believe how much more calm I feel after it”. “Excellent” replied Evelyn as she instructed him further, “next thing I need you to do is to lie back in your chair and slowly let your entire body become limp and relaxed”. Seamie did as he was instructed, an uneasy feeling still permeated throughout his whole being but it was starting to dissipate, “now close your eyes” the therapist then told him.      
           As Seamie closed his eyes he felt his natural curiosity grow inside him as to what the therapist would do next, Evelyn sitting across from up picked up her notepad in preparation to write again. “I want you to take your mind back to your earliest memories of life, I want you to recall what were the first things Seamus the child saw and experienced” Evelyn instructed softly as she continued “I want you to visualise what you are thinking and tell me what it is you see, take as much time as you like”. Seamie let his thoughts wander for a moment and then brought them back into a sharper state of focus, the database in his mind searched through the many memories that were there until they brought them to a visual image he understood to be the earliest one, he paused for a moment before speaking. “I can see a clear blue sky and the sea is calm, it’s a lovely sunny day” Seamie said, Evelyn sitting across from him was attentively taking notes “good, go on” she replied. “ I am out on a boat with my father, we are fishing” Seamie said as he went on, “my Dad has a fishing rod and I am helping him hold it, he is showing me how to work the reel on it. He tells me that the key to fishing is patience and observation as we wait for a tug on the rod, suddenly I feel the tug as I get excited and my father starts to reel in the line. The next thing I remember is seeing a huge fish being pulled in on the end of the line and how happy my father looked when he caught it and took it off the hook. I remember him saying to me “well done son” as he shared his joy over the catch, I don’t know what age I was but I was very young and it was one of my happier days”. Evelyn whilst taking notes and listening attentively then interjected “very interesting, is there anything else you can remember about that moment?”, Seamie paused for a moment before replying “all I can recall is bringing the fish home to my mother and the family sitting around the table having it for dinner and Dad being happy for the rest of the day”. Seamie went silent as he dwelled on the moment with his eyes closed, awaiting further instruction from his therapist before she told him to open his eyes.
           Back in the present moment Evelyn continued the therapy further as she asked her client “tell me what emotions you felt as you thought about that moment?”. Seamie again started with a pause as he wrestled with his subconscious mind to conjure words for his feelings before replying to the question “I guess I felt happy, pleased, a kind of warm feeling and I guess it’s the way I really wanted to remember my father”. Evelyn whilst taking notes then asked him “tell me about your relationship with your father”, Seamie hesitated before answering “at first it was happy, the man taught me so much and I really admire him, I still do”. The young man’s voice started to tremble as he concluded the last sentence and then started to cry before adding “but all that changed one day”. Evelyn looked at the man with a heartfelt sense of compassion but also glad that he was starting to open up to her as she asked him, “what day was that?”, Seamie looked up at her with tears in his eyes and said “the day my mother died”. 

                                                                   3.

The Albatross moved gracefully on the sea adjacent to the Co Cork coastline as Ned chatted merrily on the port side deck with Tom and Sandy Hogan. Their son Toby was more engrossed in his fiance Chantelle as the couple gazed adoringly at each other whilst chatting flirtatiously Meanwhile behind the wheel of the trawler was Seamie as he navigated it towards where the best fish could be caught, the diesel engine of the boat hummed behind him as a white foam followed at the rear of the boat on top of the sea whilst it travelled forward. Seamie’s eyes however were transfixed on the sight of the young woman who stood alone on the starboard side of the deck as she gazed out at the ocean whilst the gentle breeze blew through her shiny hair. She cut a captivating figure in her navy blue cashmere sweater and black jeans which she sported under a life jacket that she put on upon boarding the vessel. Her slender face exuded a contented look as she appeared to be embracing the moment and the natural beauty of her surroundings, such a sight made Seamie wonder if he could look or feel as contented as the pretty lady before him looked right now. The young fisherman was determined to get talking to the young woman who introduced herself to him as Emily earlier, he called Jock over who was busy arranging fishing rods at the rear of the trawler and told him to take hold of the wheel for a while to which he obliged. 
           Emily Hogan looked out at the vast blue sea that lay on one side of her and the rugged Cork coastline which was on the other, she took a deep breath whilst closing her eyes and embraced the peace and tranquility which flowed through her at that moment. This was a world away from the busy and congested city streets of Chicago and quite frankly she loved it. She also admired the genuine warmth of the locals and the easy pace with which they lived their lives, she reckoned that she could get used to this. When her father Tom suggested that he wanted to go on a holiday, or “vacation” as they called it, to Ireland to trace his family connections there and that he wanted to bring the family with him Emily did not know what to make of the proposition. A fun loving college girl, currently single, she had an abstract idea of Ireland and its geographical location but it did not extend beyond the boundaries of primitive living, leprechauns and stereotypical drunkenness. She did not know how she would feel about the prospect of spending three weeks in such a country with her family and if it would be much fun at all, but the trip meant a lot to her father so out of loyalty to him she travelled to the emerald isle with the rest of the family. Emily was pleasantly surprised so far with the holiday which was to last three weeks in total, she was fascinated as to the discoveries her father had made regarding their family heritage in Co Cork and the unfettered, spontaneous sense of fun to be had in the Irish pub scene with its uplifting traditional music and interesting people to be met there, the “craic” as the locals most famously referred to it as. Now she was at the start of the second week of the holiday and as she enjoyed the invigorating sea air on board the Albatross a chance encounter with a handsome young fisherman was about to change the course of her life forever.
          “Hello” Seamie said to the young American lady as he approached her, Emily coming out of her blissful state of mindfulness turned to face him with a pleasant smile and replied “hi”.  “It’s a beautiful day to be at sea isn’t it?” the fisherman asked her to break the ice, “it sure is” she replied with a blissful sigh, “I never realised how beautiful this country could be and my Dad, well, he’s loving it, the happiest I’ve seen him in a while”. Seamie persisted with more questions in an attempt to breathe life into the conversation “this is your first time in Ireland I take it?”, “first time in Europe she replied, everything here is so different to Chicago but I love it, the pace of life is so much easier”. “Tell me more about Chicago” asked Seamie, “I’ve never been there,'' Emily told the young fisherman what Chicago had to offer and he was impressed, the conversation between the pair flowed more naturally after that with talk about travel and life experiences along with family, Seamie kept his own personal details vague when the young woman queried him and in general he asked more questions than he answered. Both Seamie and Emily knew though that they enjoyed each other's company and they felt a rapport between them. Seamie kept conversing with the American lady until Jock unceremoniously interrupted him shouting “hey Casanova, if you’re quite finished there’s a boat to be steered.”

                                                                 4.
In therapy
Seamie continued to cry in Evelyn’s presence as the subject of his mother’s death arose, he never felt more humiliated in his life as he broke down in front of a stranger but at the same time the release of emotion was somewhat liberating. Evelyn remained compassionate throughout as she handed her client a tissue and reassured him that there was no need to feel embarrassed or ashamed with how he was feeling whilst encouraging him to divulge into the subject matter that was upsetting him. “Tell me more about your mother’s death” the therapist asked her client without sounding imposing, Seamie gathered himself together before talking further. “I was six years old when it happened, there’s little I remember about it only I know that Mammy was sick for a while and gradually got worse. I remember my Dad taking me and my brother and sister to the hospital a number of times to see her not long before she went and although she was very weak on the hospital bed I always recall her having a big smile when she saw us and telling the three of us over and over again to be brave and to look out for one another. In later years I was told that it was ovarian cancer she was suffering from but there was little I understood about it then. All that has occupied my mind since then was the question I kept asking everyone at first and then myself “why did mammy have to die”, I never found the answer.”
               Evelyn looked at Seamie with a sympathetic gaze, it was clear to her that her client was in a lot of emotional pain with a lot of unresolved issues which would need to be addressed. She would need to do a lot of digging to get to the root cause of his torment but for now she needed to show empathy for the situation that presented itself. “I can only imagine how difficult the situation must have been for you as a small boy” she said to him, “can you recall how you felt at the time?” she added. Seamie again paused and delved into his archive of feelings, “ at first I was frightened, my brother and sister too, we were very afraid as our mother was now gone and we felt alone in the big bad world. After that the fear turned to great sadness at her loss, I cannot recall how many times I cried myself to sleep, after that as I got older the sadness turned to anger and to this day I guess the anger has never left me”. Evelyn noted what her client was telling her whilst listening attentively before asking “do you remember much about the funeral?”, “not a whole lot” replied Seamie “only the image of my mother lying pale and lifeless in the coffin and loads of strangers coming to shake Dad’s hand and everybody being real nice to me and my brother and sister, telling us how sorry they were when they had done nothing wrong”.
             Evelyn paused for a moment before breaking the silence “grief is perhaps the greatest challenge we will ever face in our lives as human beings both mentally and emotionally, the constant reminder of someone’s absence throughout time means that the pain never goes away but it is important that we as human beings also acknowledge the pain and deal with it properly in order for us to develop in later life”, Seamie nodded in acknowledgement to what his therapist was saying as she continued “having the right supportive network around you and receiving the appropriate help is important in the initial stages of grief, from the way you have told your story it appears that you did not have such support as a child and because of this the grief proved to be more harmful towards you as your life progressed”. The therapist again paused for a moment to allow Seamie to take in what she had told him before asking him, “tell me more about your relationship with your father?” , the expression on his face turned to one of reluctance and terror as he told her “don’t go there”.      

                                                                     5.

Emily Hogan found the young fisherman she had just been conversing with to be quite a character, easy on the eye too. Underneath his ruggedly handsome exterior was a roguish charm which she instinctively knew disguised a more vulnerable side to him, a side she wanted to explore more, one she believed to be genuine and kind and because of this she was drawn to him.At the wheel of the trawler Seamie and Jock were enjoying some banter with one another, “boy she’s a cracker, I can see why you couldn’t get away from her” Jock remarked about the young American lady laughing, “ah would you stop” retorted Seamie “I was only being friendly like Ned asked us to be”, “friendly” exclaimed Jock “Seamie boy there’s being friendly and then there’s giving special attention to someone, I didn’t see you speaking with the rest of the family at all”. Seamie remained coy about his intentions to his friend whilst Jock pedantically mocked him, they both took each others behaviour in good spirits though . “Fancy going for a few scoops (drinks) this evening?” Jock asked Seamie, “I’d thought you’d never ask” Seamie replied, the two men regularly went socialising together around Cork and further field and both served as useful “wingmen” for each other when it came to approaching members of the fairer sex on such nights out. “ I tell you one thing” Jock teased his friend further “if you do have any interest in her you better move quick or I’ll move right in”, Seamie rolled his eyes and replied “believe me Jock she’s in a different league to you”.
             The Albatross continued gliding across the sea as Ned pointed out to his guests some of the marine wildlife as  it came into sight, there were basking sharks, seals, jellyfish and even dolphin among the sights to be seen which all enhanced the tourist’s experience. Seagulls flew close to the trawler in the constant hope of obtaining a tasty morsel but they would be waiting for quite a while. Eventually Seamie stopped the boat for their guests to engage in a spot of fishing as Ned and Jock baited and distributed the rods among them.Tom Hogan was in an ebullient mood as he merrily cast his line into the sea whilst his wife Sandy looked on also in good spirits, “say Ned” he told the skipper, “looks like you’ve got a few hungry suckers around here” as he felt a tug on his line, “you picked a good spot”. Ned helped his guest when he needed assistance with reeling in his line and to Tom’s delight he found that he had caught a sizeable plaice. “Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle” Tom declared with delight as the rest of the family whooped and cheered him, “we’ll eat well tonight”, “congratulations Tom” Ned said to his guest to commend him on his catch. Elsewhere on the boat Toby was having no such luck with the fishing, the quintessential Chicago city boy had moments on the boat’s crossing when he felt a nauseousness  brought on by his inexperience in sea travel. He then had trouble with the line on his rod as it broke at the first cast off and then when Jock fixed it for him he got it caught in what appeared to be seaweed, the whole experience was proving to be frustrating for him. His fiance Chantelle on the other hand seemed disinterested in the whole event, when she was not amorously entangled in Toby she was engrossed in her cell phone and social media by ensuring that her facebook and instagram statuses were both up to date. She did make herself useful however when her prospective father in -law Tom made his big catch and she was there to capture the moment and upload it accordingly.  
             Emily on the other hand did not profess to know anything at all about fishing but was a good learner. She also had a good tutor in Seamie who attentively showed her how to bait the hook and cast the rod, he stood with her and held her gently as he demonstrated the motions. The young American lady felt a shudder race down her spine as his strong masculine body brushed off hers and she felt the touch of his coarse hands when he showed her how to hold the rod, this was a tutorial she could get used to. Seamie left her on her own for a while as she accustomed herself to the apparatus she was using, the young fisherman kept an eye on her as she bit her lower lip and blushed slightly before trying again with the rod. To Emily’s delight this time she had a clean cast off and held the rod tightly as her slender hands anticipated the feel of a sudden jolt indicating a nibble, she waited and waited until suddenly it came and in a state of excitement she jumped slightly causing her to fall back only to be caught by the muscular arms of the handsome fisherman. She looked up to see his chiseled features looking down at her and his boyish grin as he said “looks like you got a little excited there”, the young lady felt a feverish feeling come over her as she felt the chemistry increase between them, “sorry” she said with a blush and a nervous giggle as Seamie helped her to her feet again. The pair then reeled in the line on the rod as much to Evelyn’s disappointment she discovered that it was only a small mackerel on the hook, the pair simply looked at each other and laughed uproariously but that was suddenly interrupted by a scream coming from the other side of the boat.       

                                                                    6.
In therapy
It was another evening session in the studio of Evelyn Fitzgerald’s house as the therapist sat across from her client Seamus Cronin. She was very pleased with the progress made in the last session with the young man as he managed to be more emotionally forthcoming with her than she anticipated. It was manifestly clear to her that Seamie was in a lot of emotional pain which he had been carrying and hiding his entire life and a lot of work would have to be done with him if he was going to attain a state that mind which would allow him to properly deal with such pain without compromising his quality of life. Evelyn was confident though that this could be achieved as Seamie was proving to be a willing and cooperative client who she enjoyed talking to. On this occasion she recapped with him what they had previously discussed in their last session, “ Seamus, the last day you were here we got through an awful lot and thank you again for being so honest with me,” she smiled and continued “before we finished the last day you told me that there was trouble in your family after your mother died, do you wish to discuss that further?. Seamie remained quiet for what appeared to him to be a long time as he contemplated what to do next, he did feel a sense of relief from his last session in that he realised that he was in the company of somebody he could confide in and there were not too many people he encountered in his life that he felt he could be this way with but Evelyn proved to be the exception. However on this occasion what he was contemplating talking about encompassed many years of emotional pain and undiagnosed trauma, he wondered if he would have the resolve to talk about it or even if he wanted too. Since the last session though Seamie had thought for a long time about it and came to the conclusion that if he was ever going to receive healing from his past he would have to face his fears. “I’ve thought about it Evelyn and I’ve decided I want to talk more”  he informed his therapist with an apprehensive tone, “very good” replied Evelyn, “in your own time” as she gave him the cue to talk.
          Seamie took a deep breath and exhaled before speaking “after my mother died there was just Dad to look after me, my brother Fergal and my sister Ali. There were other relatives who offered to care for us as they were concerned my father would not be up to the task on his own but that would mean that we would all be split up and Dad wouldn’t stand for that, I respect him for it” he said. Evelyn was again taking notes and listening attentively as Seamie went on “ I guess the trouble started right away for us, Dad never fully came to terms with the loss of my mother and the only way he felt he could cope was through alcohol. He drank at home, in the pub, every spare moment he got really and it became more of a problem as time progressed. My aunt Susan who is Dad’s sister was always picking up the pieces for us, I can’t recall the amount of times she picked us up from school, fed us, washed us, looked after us when we were sick because Dad was too drunk to do so, but she never complained and nobody knew the full extent of what was going on as she was protecting Dad too”. 
           “That must have been very hard” Evelyn said whilst looking at her client with a profound sense of compassion, “was their violence in the home?”. Seamie again took a deep breath and looked at one point like he was on the verge of a panic attack but he managed to compose himself despite being teary eyed.  “After Mammy died I guess Dad just became angry with life and he took it out on us and with me being the eldest I suppose I got it the worst” he again paused before continuing “I remember being physically chastised for nothing at all really, not doing my chores properly, cursing, fighting with my brother, he’d hit me hard and I felt it too. He was particularly fond of using his belt as he’d make me strip down to the waste and he’d strike me a number of times until my back would be raw red, he also did the same to Fergal. Sometimes he wouldn’t stand on ceremony and just lash out at us, particularly when he was drunk”, Seamie buried his head in his hands after he told the story trying desperately not to cry, Evelyn was almost moved to tears to as her client recounted the details. The therapist allowed her client to compose himself further before she asked him “and your sister Ali, what happened to her?”, Seamie looked directly at her with an expression of pure horror on his face. 

                                            7.
Chantelle was posing on the side of the boat whilst her fiance Toby took pictures of her, an aspiring model, this woman’s vanity knew no bounds and she was quiet the active socialite on the Chicago scene. A woman of expensive tastes, she found the current holiday in Ireland with the Hogan clan to be somewhat tiresome  and the country to be somewhat dull. She had no interest in fishing or even to give it a try but she came along on the boat trip anyway as she could not bear to be away from her beloved Toby. Against the safety instructions of the boat she had removed her life jacket as it “cramped her style” and she posed for photographs which she hoped she could share on her instagram account and for any prospective modelling portfolios. She made various poses and pouts on the side of the boat as Toby photographed her but in an instant she leaned too far over the side of the boat whilst posing for a shot and fell overboard into the sea. 
        In an instant screams could be heard on the boat and Seamie jumped into action as he moved quickly and dived overboard to assist the distressed woman as she struggled frantically in the water with no life jacket on. Chantelle could feel her body submerging more under the water as she struggled for oxygen, the shock of falling into the cold water forcing her to move her limbs about frantically and making her predicament more perilous. Seamie being a strong swimmer quickly swam over to where Chantelle was struggling in the water and caught hold of her, “it’s ok you’re safe now” he said to her, his main prerogative was to get her to calm down as her struggling would only drag both of them under the water. He managed to get his arm around Chantelle and swim back to the boat with her where Jock threw out a life buoy to assist them in getting back on board.
          Emily was quite taken aback by what she saw from the young fisherman, he exerted a spontaneous sense of bravery that she never really saw in a man before and she found it quite attractive. Seamie sat Chantelle down in the boat whilst Ned got her a thermal blanket, she was clearly in shock and the whole episode had upset her but otherwise she was unharmed. She would have to contend with her white Cashmere sweater and designer leggings being destroyed and losing her Police sunglasses but those were first world problems. Tom Hogan suggested to Ned that in the circumstances that they turn the boat back for Kinsale to which he agreed, it wouldn’t help to have the young lady getting hypothermia. As the Albatross headed back for Kinsale Seamie changed out of his wet clothes in the small cabin on the trawler, little did he know that he would have an admirer watching him as Emily managed to get a sneak peak while he changed. Her mind was driven into a frenzy as her eyes could not get enough of his sculpted torso, strong forearms and shapely biceps, after he had changed she snuck away as Seamie reemerged on deck.
              “Thank you,” Emily said to Seamie, “that was very brave what you did earlier”, “ah it was nothing” Seamie modestly replied, “ I was just glad to be able to help”. “That you most certainly did” said Emily as she maintained her complementary tone, “but honestly, thank you”. The pair chatted for a while as the boat made its way back to Kinsale, it was clear that they had both come to like each other more and the attraction was felt between them. The rest of the Hogan family approached Seamie to thank him for his bravery as the boat moored in Kinsale harbour and they prepared to disembark. “You’ve got a good one there Ned” Tom said to the skipper as he left the boat and his wife Sandy gave him a hug followed by a heartfelt hug from Chantelle and a handshake from her fiance Toby. Emily was the last of the guests to leave and as she passed the young fisherman she slipped a piece of paper into his hand and looked back at him with a wink and a smile as she mimicked the words “call me”.

                                                                8.
In therapy
Evelyn could see from the horrified look on Seamie’s face that the story he had to tell about his sister Ali was a potentially horrific one. “It’s ok, you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to” the therapist told her client in a further act of reassurance, she did not want to be too imposing on Seamie as it might undo the good work already done. Seamie though felt that he had to finally bear witness to perhaps the most heinous sights which for his entire life had occupied his soul but firstly he felt inside him that another potential panic attack was about to make its unwelcome presence felt. The young man again was coming under a state of anxiety as he found it hard to breathe, Evelyn through her intuition quickly spotted it and directed him through the breathing techniques again as he slowly inhaled through his nose and felt his diaphragm lift before exhaling slowly through his mouth. Very soon Seamie found himself being brought back into a calmer state of mind as he gathered his thoughts before Evelyn spoke to him again.
            “I can see that the subject is causing you great distress” the therapist said to her client “would you prefer if we moved to another subject for now?” she then asked him, “no” replied Seamie, his voice shaking with emotion, “I’ve run from it for long enough”. Seamie gathered himself for a moment before disclosing to his therapist the story of his sister, “Ali was my little sister, I always did my best to look after her but I could not protect her from him” after saying this Seamie broke down emotionally and wept bitterly. Evelyn moved quickly to relieve the distress her client was in as she said soothingly “it’s ok, there’s no need to feel embarrassed here, just let it all out whatever you’re feeling”. She remained silent as Seamie cried knowing that the young man was going through a state of release from whatever trauma was gripping him and was openly displaying his vulnerability to her, she was quietly pleased as again this was a significant development. Her client remained crying until he could weep no more and then gathered himself again, the release of emotion was indeed a relief for him. 
          “When you say “him”, who do you exactly refer to? Evelyn asked Seamie, “my father” Seamie replied. “I remember him taking her to his bedroom since she was only about 3 or 4, that was when he started to sexually abuse her and eventually rape her”. Evelyn recoiled in horror when she heard this from Seamie, clearly shocked at what was being revealed to her, but she retained her calm presence as her client went into further detail. “Dad always insisted on her sleeping in his room, he reckoned that she would be safer there and that he felt it would help her with the loss of our mother, at first I was too young to understand what was going on but when she got a little older she told me what was happening in the bedroom”. “How did you feel at the time?” Evelyn asked him, “I was angry, very angry” Seamie said “but I was so afraid of the man that I did not do anything and for that I hate myself” with that Seamie broke down weeping again as Evelyn gave him a hug which the young man reciprocated to instinctively. “It’s ok Seamus” she said to him soothingly, “it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault”.     

                                                                       9.
July 8th 2012,
Anglesea Street Garda (police) station,
Cork, Ireland
“Sign here please, it’s a bond in which you undertake to appear in court on the aforementioned date to answer to the said charges outlined to you and that if you fail to do so you will be liable to the sum of 150 euro” the Garda (policeman) at the desk outlined to Seamie before he signed the document and his property was returned to him, after that he was shown to the public area of the Garda (police)station and he was released from custody. It was an early Sunday morning in mid summer just after sunrise and Seamie was trying to recollect what happened the night before to no avail as he met Ned in the public area of the station who sported a look of obvious disappointment, “it’s time for you to go home, what the hell were you thinking” he said to him whilst shaking his head.
           Seamie and Jock finished up on the Albatross the evening before at Kinsale harbour after the fishing excursion as Ned commended them both on a job well done, particularly for Seamie’s heroism in rescuing the young American lady who fell overboard. He gave both men envelopes containing their pay for the day’s work as he joked “don’t blow it all tonight lads” they all laughed and went on their way. “I’ll see you in town later on” Seamie said to Jock before he headed home to get ready for the nights socialising, “what will you be having if I get there before you?” Jock asked him, “make it a bottle of Coors light” Seamie told him with a smile. The young fisherman walked back to the house he inherited from his deceased parents a short distance from the harbour, a medium size detached bungalow with white washed walls overlooking a beautiful sea front, as soon as he went in the door he threw himself on the couch and turned the television on for a while. Seamie flicked through the channels with his remote control and realising that there was nothing of interest on for him to watch his attention soon turned to the piece of paper that was in his pocket, he took it out and unfolded it. “What would a woman like her see in a fella like me” Seamie thought to himself as he looked at what was written on the paper, it simply said Emily with a cell phone number underneath it. He pondered on whether he should contact her or not before thinking to himself “I better not call her now, she might think I’m desperate”, he then put the piece of paper back into his pocket before preparing for the night ahead.
           Seamie got into Saturday night mode early as he took a bottle of Jameson whiskey from a cabinet in the house and started drinking it straight from the bottle. His alcoholism was something he managed to hide from the outside world generally but those closest to him, Ned and Jock, suspected that he had an over dependant fondness for it, as partial as they were to a drink themselves. For Seamie though alcohol helped to numb him from the realities of life, the trouble of his past and from the world around him, he would never admit to having such an addiction though. The young man took a few more swigs from the bottle before lining up two lines of cocaine from a small quantity he had on the coffee table in front of him, he then rolled up the piece of paper Emily had given him and snorted up the white powder through it. The sudden rush brought on by the drug gave him the adrenaline he would need to see him through some of the night, the rest he would take later. A call came through on Seamie’s phone, it was from Jock, he informed his friend which pub he was at in the town so he could meet him there. Seamie then showered and applied a cheap cologne to his face, after putting on a change of clothes he then headed out for the night.
          Jock and Seamie spent a few hours enjoying their drinks in a popular pub in Kinsale, it was the height of the tourist season and there were many visitors about contributing to a lively atmosphere in the town.  After Seamie had snorted the remainder of the cocaine he had in a cubicle of the public toilets in the pub he then travelled with Jock into Cork city as a sober friend of theirs offered them transport there in his car. They heard that there was a good atmosphere in the city with some of the bars and a nightclub there doing discount promotions on alcoholic beverages, both men decided quickly that this was for them. In the city the two friends enjoyed the night life as they drank a number of small spirits (shots) quickly to expedite their state of intoxication. Seamie and Jock both  finished up in a nightclub where they became separated from each other, it was here that Seamie got talking to an attractive young woman where they danced and eventually kissed.When the nightclub was closing in the early hours of the morning Seamie walked with the young woman where they went looking for a taxi, the young man was hoping she would take him to another mystery location in a drunken haze where he could enjoy another one night stand, he had contraceptives in his wallet so he came prepared. Whilst they were walking to the taxi rank a short distance from the nightclub however Seamie was confronted by an irate young man who claimed he was “making off” with his girlfriend. The aggression that the fisherman held within him soon came to the surface as he became involved in a physical altercation with the other person who had directed verbal insults at him after the initial confrontation. A Garda patrol car soon arrived at the scene and before he knew it Seamie found himself being restrained and handcuffed.
           The following morning as Seamie left the Garda station with Ned he looked again at the piece of paper Emily had given him with her phone number on it which was returned to him in the custody area with his other property prior to his release. He pondered his options as he contemplated whether to make that call or ot before deciding to himself “why not”.    

                                                                  10.
Evelyn Fitzgerald sat alone in her studio after her latest session with Seamus Cronin shocked at what was revealed to her. From the moment she encountered the young man she knew that he was troubled but she never figured the root cause would be to the extent of what was unveiled. The therapist reflected over the notes she took over the sessions to date and contemplated where the therapy should go from here. “Clearly I’ll have to delve further into the extent of the abuse that occured within his family” she figured to herself as a full account of the trauma in Mr Cronin’s life would have to be disclosed before a precise evaluation of his problems could be determined and an appropriate solution could be applied.  
           Ms Fitzgerald was very pleased however with the swift progress she was making in therapy with her client, she was also quite surprised with how forthcoming he was with the issues on his mind too. In her wide ranging experience as a therapist she had encountered a variety of clients who were trying to come to terms with trauma in their lives and a common trait they had was that they would be reticent initially with their true feelings and unwilling to dwell on the most painful issues. Mr Cronin was unique in that sense however in that he was very forthcoming from the very beginning with what was on his mind that was bothering him despite being very nervous upon entering her house. She found him a pleasure to work with despite the upsetting content of  what he had revealed to her but she was hopeful that if they both continued in the same vein of cooperation and understanding that she could help him in his pain and direct him on his long road to recovery. “His road is long but he is willing to make the trek, to discover, to learn and most importantly to heal” she thought to herself.
             By the Kinsale seafront Seamie was attired in a t-shirt, shorts and runners as he went jogging by the seafront. The sea air was invigorating as always but Seamie’s mind was preoccupied with what he had disclosed to his therapist about his past and why he did it. It was as if he had opened the door to a long sealed vault in his mind and allowed the demon’s to wander freely, his coping mechanisms gone with a pervading feeling of vulnerability now in place. He was out exercising in the hope that the endorphin rush from physical activity and the distractions of his surroundings might combat the feeling of anxiety which was overwhelming him. For so long he had numbed himself to life after the horrors of his past but now after meeting and working with Evelyn he was starting to feel again and though hope finally lingered a pestering fear was currently eclipsing it. His self loathing was coming to the fore also, conceived from a false sense of guilt in failing to protect his sister from what she endured. As he continued running by the waterfront he could feel the beat of his heart accelerating and his body saturated in perspiration, suddenly for no conscious reason he stopped as he hunched over panting. Seamie was suddenly drawn to the sight of the water as he looked inside to see his reflection and hated what was looking back at him. For a moment he thought to himself “if I throw myself in there now and let the water take me all my torment will be over” as a demonic voice in his mind kept saying “do it, do it”.                               

                                                                     11.
September 14th 2012,
Cork, Ireland
Seamie awoke in his hotel room with a beautiful woman beside him, her name was Emily Hogan. After leaving the Garda station that morning he decided later in the day to dial on his phone the number on the piece of paper he was given and press the call button and thus what followed was a whirlwind romance. Seamie and Emily agreed to meet for a dinner date at a renowned seafood restaurant in Kinsale as they furthered the chemistry which flowed between them. Initially Seamie approached the encounter without ever contemplating the possibility of romance, he perceived the young American lady as another potential sexual conquest who he would woo with charm and take whatever gratification her could from her before dispensing of her company mercilessly. Up to now the young man had been moulded by cynicism and pain with love merely an abstract concept to him,but there was something special about Emily which compelled Seamie to embark on a different emotional journey.
           The fisherman soon realised that the woman he was dating was not like any of the countless women he had sexual liaisons with before. Emily made it clear that she was not the kind of woman who was available for holiday romances or cheap thrills but for something more meaningful. “Meaningful”,  Seamie often pondered over that word privately, “what exactly could that mean?”, it was something he would discover on his romantic journey with Emily as for the first time in his life he met a lady who he could refer to as his “girlfriend” or “partner”. The American woman showed restraint when the prospect of engaging in sexual relations arose as she informed Seamie that she preferred to be romanced first by prospective suitors in the hope that their sense of honour and integrity would come to the fore which in turn would contribute to a meaningful relationship developing, after this sexual intimacy would follow.
         This was an alien concept to Seamie who never perceived relations with women in such a way before, he had met a woman who was educating him in new ways of the emotional being of which he felt a mysterious magnetism develop within him towards this woman. He felt new feelings and emotions cultivate inside him, seeds which she had sown, and these feelings were proving to be uplifting to him. “Could this be what love feels like?” Seamie thought to himself with a sense of hope, but his cynical side soon interjected with “hardly”. It did not bother Seamie that Emily was reluctant to engage in sexual relations with him after their first date or for the few dates they had after that before she returned to the United States of America with her family when the holiday concluded. Before she left for the airport with the rest of the Hogan clan the pair were teary eyed and sad as they said their goodbyes but undertook to keep in touch with one another, as the car drove away Seamie wondered would this be the last he would ever see of her and if so would he ever meet a woman like her again?. For the next two months the pair were in touch with each other every day via Skype and Facebook, often throughout the night as they overlooked the time difference in both countries. Seamie felt himself becoming besotted with the young lady and as she was preparing to start another college year he was looking at the possibility of emigrating to America or at the very least obtaining a temporary work visa as he tormented the personnel at the embassy in Dubin via telephone and email to discover his options. The young fisherman did not need to resort to such actions however as on an early September day a surprise came to him when Emily showed up in Kinsale with all her worldly goods in a backpack. Much to her parents annoyance Emily spontaneously decided to quit her college course and move to Ireland, the finer details she would sort out later, all that mattered to her was that she was with Seamie. When she showed up in the town the pair embraced and kissed passionately, this was the start of a special relationship.
           Emily found work waitressing in a Kinsale restaurant for a while before she managed to enrol in a business management course in UCC after which she worked part time between her studies. Seamie helped her with her visa application and with liaising with the Garda immigration bureau as the air became more hopeful that they would have a future together. To celebrate the couple went to Cork city for a night out in which they stayed in a hotel there, it was here at the end of their wining and dining that they had their first sexual encounter as their naked bodies entwined between the soft cotton sheets. This was another new experience for Seamie as for the first time in his life he was making love to someone as he intimately expressed his love for Emily instead of simply seeking quick gratification which he had done in encounters with other women. The following morning as the couple lay in bed kissing, caressing and fondling each other blissfully Emily asked her boyfriend, “Seamie, why have you not told me anything about your family?”. Seamie sighed deeply and paused for a moment as he replied with a smile “believe me Emily, there’s nothing there worth telling?”  Emily persisted though as she continued “no I don’t believe that, surely you have family, if we are going to get to know each other I have a right to know about them”. Seamie became more irritated now as he replied “I don’t want to talk about it now, when the time is right I’ll tell you everything”, this was not a satisfactory answer for Emily though as she asked with an impatient tone “tell me now”, “I told you I don’t want to talk about it” Seamie roared back her angrily whilst pushing her away. Emily looked in horror at her new boyfriend having just discovered a side to him she did not like.      

      
                                                                         12.
In therapy
Seamie was glad to be back in the therapy studio of Evelyn Fitzgerald having spent the previous week in the department of psychiatry in Cork University hospital as a voluntary patient. Since his anxiety attack whilst running by the seafront in Kinsale which resulted in him contemplating suicide he managed to resist the urge to do so and return back home to his wife where he confided in her with what had just happened, upon hearing the news his wife took him to hospital where he was continuously assessed, observed and medicated until the consultant psyciatrist at the hospital determined that he was not a danger to himself anymore and discharged him. 
          The young man was still feeling a deep unease within himself however as he sat with his therapist and recounted what had happened with him since the last session. He told her of the crippling feeling of anxiety he was having which resulted in him going to hospital but that the medication he was prescribed had help to alleviate such feelings, he was still of the view though that this would not be a permanent solution to the predicament he was in. “You’re quite right” Evelyn told him in agreement to his deduction of the situation “ medication only enables you to have the mental capacity to be proactive in finding a permanent solution to your problem, not a solution in itself” she then went on “despite the depths you feel you may have descended to Seamus I still see hope for you, in the midst of your despair you had the strength not to succumb to it and seek help, the fact that you are back here again in front of me confirms that you are committed to finding a solution to your problems and that ultimately you want to reclaim your life, trust me you will get there”, upon hearing these words Seamus felt an underlying feeling of hope surge upwards from inside him as he replied to Evelyn with a teary eyed smile “thank you”.
         “I know our last therapy session was difficult as regards what we discussed but I feel compelled to ask you if you wish to continue with the subject” Evelyn asked her client, Seamie thought about it for a moment and decided that it was in his best interests to continue with the discussion, “ok then” he replied. “You spoke of how your younger sister Alison was sexually abused when she was a young child, how long roughly did the abuse last for” Evelyn asked, Seamie took a deep sigh and spoke “from what I remember I’d say six to seven years, it would go on for most nights and sometimes during the school holidays and weekends in the daytime”. “When did it finally stop?” Evelyn asked in continuity with her line of questioning, Seamie in pondering this question felt himself well up with emotion again as he answered “ that would be when my father killed himself, I walked into the garage one day to find him hanging from a beam on the ceiling”.

                                                                    13.
May 25th 2013,
Chicago Illinois, USA
As the plane touched down at O’Hare International Airport Emily and Seamie felt a sense of excitement and trepidation with the holiday that lay ahead. Since their weekend in Cork the previous autumn the couple had been on their own journey of emotional discovery which proved somewhat tempestuous at times.The young fisherman’s charming and carefree psyche had quickly unravelled as the astute Emily saw through the facade that was initially presented to her. For Seamie the realities of a committed relationship were proving challenging to him as his girlfriend persisted with chipping away at his armour of reticence, she instinctively knew that he was a kind man capable of loving but that he was deeply troubled and in need of healing, Emily for her part found Seamie a challenge but one worth undertaking. The whole process proved dispiriting at times for the American lady though as she often became involved in fiery quarrels with her boyfriend resulting in household items being thrown in each others direction and broken along with harsh words being said. Emily had committed so much to this relationship already though as she uprooted from her comfort zone to be with Seamie so she was determined to make it work. What she did find most frustrating about her boyfriend was his utter reluctance to discuss in any significant detail any aspect of his past be it family, education, childhood memories or previous relationships, it was like there was a stone wall erected around him each time she approached the subject in which he was constantly evasive to questions put to him, this became the root cause to all of the quarrels in the couple’s relationship.
           There were redeeming factors between them however in that they enjoyed a spontaneous and enjoyable sex life, be it in the bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, garage or in public places the couple always manage to entice and excite one another through their creative and varied acts of intimacy and unbridled passion. Emily also found Seamie to be a romantic, caring and funny man who was simply afraid to show his vulnerable side. He would often sweep her off her feet with spontaneous romantic acts like love notes being left around the house for her, flowers when she least expected it and surprise candle lit dinners being prepared for her by the fisherman. Emily knew that Seamie was her soul mate, she just had to overcome the challenges that were being presented to her by the other side of his persona. It took awhile for Emily to get back in touch with her parents in Chicago but eventually they did get on board with her actions. The holiday she and Seamie decided to take would be an opportunity to heal the rift in the family caused by her impetuous act  along with Seamie getting a chance to see some of the wider world, he had never travelled outside of Ireland in his life before.
               The couple were met at the arrivals hall of the airport by Emily’s brother Toby who had a warm embrace for both of them as they met. “I have the car parked on a double yellow we better move quick”he told them both with a laugh as they swiftly moved to the exit door, “typical Toby always taking chances” Emily said back to him with a smile. Seamie was impressed with the mode of transportation that was presented to them outside of the airport, a porsche. “Now there’s a set of wheels” Seamie said in admiration, “my brother is a successful graphics designer with a computer gaming company, this is his plaything”  Emily responded, Toby was placing their luggage in the trunk of the car at the time and simply blushed at the remark. On the drive back to the family home on the outskirts of the city Toby informed her sister that he had broken up with his fiance Chantelle about two months previously, the split was apparently mutual, “aw no, I’m so sorry to hear that” Emily informed him. Seamie sat in the back passenger seat of the plush vehicle as he listened attentively to Emily and Toby catching up on family gossip whilst taking in his surroundings. For a young man who had hardly seen Dublin before the sight of the windy city was quite an eye opener for him with skyscrapers dominating the landscape and the hustle and bustle of the freeways and sidewalks. Inevitably the conversation between Emily and Toby turned to their parents and how they came to terms with their daughter’s impetuous flight to Ireland, “being honest with you Emily they were quiet pissed about the whole thing and didn’t want your name mentioned for a while” Toby informed her, “but they became more cool about it after that and reckoned as long as you were happy that was all that mattered” he added with a smile.
           The porsche pulled up in front of two large iron gates with an automated security system, the neighbourhood it was in was upmarket and suburban and made quite the impression on Seamie. Toby used his fob to open the gates as the vehicle drove up a long driveway surrounded on both sides by manicured lawns, leafy green trees and colourful vegetation, when it pulled it in front of a large mansion Seamie looked at it with awe. “Whoa Emily you never told me your home place was like this” the Irishman said to his girlfriend, “it’s just home” Emily said as she looked back at him and smiled. The family reunion was pleasant as Tom and Sandy Hogan embraced their prodigal daughter, their initial concern and disappointment had dissipated over time, they were pleased that she had met a man as genuine and reliable as Seamie who would take care of her and that she was showing initiative in her life. The Hogan family soon warmed to Seamie although they found his Cork accent difficult to understand at times along with the pronunciation of his name, at dinner on the first night of the couple’s visit Tom Hogan proposed a toast by saying “here’s to our guest and the special guy in our daughter’s life who I think we’ll just call Jimmy, I’ve been told that it’s the English translation is that correct son?” as everybody broke into laughter. During their stay in Chicago Emily gave Seamie a tour of the city which included a visit to the magnificent Sears tour and a boat trip along the Chicago River and Lake Michigan, the young Corkman was having the time of his life.
            For the rest of the holiday the couple went on a road trip on the famous Route 66 in which they used a shiny red Cadillac convertible from Mr Hogan’s garage which boasted an impressive collection of classic cars which were restored, a hobby which Emily’s father quite enjoyed. As they cruised down that famous freeway on those warm summer days with the wind blowing through their hair Seamie knew he was living the American dream. Along the route their itinerary included a visit to the famous Grand Canyon and as Emily looked over that world famous rugged landscape hand in hand with Seamie she got quite the surprise when he suddenly turned and got down on one knee as he produced a small silk box and said those famous words to her “will you marry me?”.          

                                                                   14.
In therapy
“I remember looking around the house for him one day, what for I can’t remember, I was looking everywhere as I kept calling “Dad, Dad,where are you”. The last place I checked was in the garage and that was where I found him swinging from a rope and pale as a ghost” Seamie concluded as he detailed his childhood experience to Evelyn of discovering his father’s suicide. There was silence for about a minute after that as the therapist processed what her client had told her before she interjected “oh Seamus I am so sorry to hear that, I can’t comprehend how difficult that must have been for you at the time, can you remember what happened after that?”. Seamie paused for a second before continuing “ I remember being so terrified and upset at the time, I remember the guards and the undertaker being there in the garage as they put his body into a bag and brought him away, I remember my aunt Susan screaming and crying with uncontrolled grief, but after that all I have retained is hate” the young man concluded as his eyes welled with rage. “You say hate” Evelyn said in observation “but what is that hate exactly for, where is it directed?”, Seamie continued “my hate is for him, that bastard who abused and raped my little sister, who beat me and my brother black and blue, who neglected us as he made himself drunk, that is who my hate is for” he shouted at Evelyn with an angry tone. The therapist could detect a deep anger in her client that he clearly did not know how to direct, she used a more tactful approach towards him this time as she said “ I can see that there is a deep anger as well as sadness in you over this subject, how have you managed to deal with these emotions over the years?”, Seamie replied “with alcohol mostly”.
              Evelyn thoughtfully took notes as she pondered over what Seamie had just told her, it was clear that the root cause of the trouble in his life stemmed from the misfortunes of his childhood but she needed to get the full story of what happened to him if she was to be conclusive in this determination. “ After your father’s death can you tell me what happened to you and your siblings?” the therapist asked Seamie, he replied “after that it was decided by the health board that we should all stay with our aunt Susan who would be our legal guardian so we went to live with her and her two children, our cousins”. Evelyn went on “it must have been a busy household then”, “it was” Seamie replied, “but it was a happy one too, a more stable time in my childhood,I was thirteen at the time it all happened and I was eighteen when I left so it wasn’t for that long.'' As Evelyn scribbled her notes and listened  she asked him “what happened to your brother and sister?”, Seamie answered, “my brother Fergal, well he dropped out of school early to try his luck as an apprentice mechanic but after awhile he got in with the wrong crowd and became involved in drugs, he was often in trouble with the guards and had my aunt Susan’s heart broke, eventually he left home as he was proving to be too much trouble and simply lost contact with all of us, where he is now I simply don’t know”. The therapist looked at him attentively as she then asked “your sister Alison, what happened to her?”at this point Seamie became emotional again as he said “Ali never got over what our father did to her, she became numb to life and was deeply troubled, eventually she started hanging around with a gang of girls who were involved in solvent abuse.One day aunt Susan had the guards call to her door to tell her that Ali was found in a car by the seafront in Kinsale unresponsive, apparently she had sniffed glue. The ambulance got her to the hospital as quick as they could but it was too late, she was only seventeen”.    

                                                                    15.
April 20th 2014,
Chicago Illinois, USA
“Emily take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity, in the name of the father, the son and the Holy Spirit, Amen” Seamie said as he placed the beautiful golden wedding band with three small diamonds on the finger of his new wife Emily Cronin. It as a pleasant late spring day in the Holy Name Cathedral in Chicago, the city’s foremost place of Roman Catholic worship. Tom Hogan being an esteemed businessman in the city and acquainted with the city’s Archbishop managed to obtain the venue for the wedding of his daughter to the young Kinsale fisherman.  After the vows were exchanged the new Mr and Mrs Cronin were received to rapturous applause by the wedding guests. Seamie’s only regret on what was the happiest day of his troubled life was that he had no family present to celebrate the occasion. The only associates he actually had at the event were his best man Jock and a few friends from the fishing industry in Kinsale who made the long journey. He had become somewhat estranged from his aunt Susan of late and Ned was not in the best of health meaning that he could not make the long trip to Chicago, he did send them his best wishes via Skype on the day though. 
          The reception was held in a marquis which was erected on the grounds of the Hogan estate in the Chicago suburbs with champagne, caviar, lobster and every other kind of opulence on display. The bride dazzled in her white sequin dress and tiara whilst the groom looked fetching in a charcoal grey suit. The guests were charmed by Jock’s Irish wit and banter during the speeches along with Tom Hogan’s heart rendering tribute to his daughter and her new husband. The couple danced the night away to a twelve piece band in what was a truly memorable moment for them.
          Since Seamie made his proposal to Emily less than a year previously their relationship seemed to be accelerating at a warp speed that those closest to them could not keep up with. Having come to terms with their daughter’s decision to quit her college course and follow her love interest to Ireland they then had to deal with the shock of the sudden engagement and the wedding preparations which followed. For some time Tom and Sandy Hogan wondered if Emily was thinking rationally at all and was merely infatuated with Seamie but when they questioned her about it and realised how determined she was they came to the conclusion that they had to support her or lose her, their concern never abated though. After the wedding Seamie and Emily went on a glorious honeymoon to St Lucia in the Carribean for two weeks where at the secluded island paradise resort each day they drank cocktails, made love, swam in the clear blue sea and watched the sun go down each evening, an idyllic start to married life . They both came to the conclusion that they wished to remain living in Kinsale as Seamie’s way of life was rooted in the town through fishing whilst his wife was more flexible in that regard.
            After they returned to the Co Cork town they did some refurbishments to Seamie’s family home where he was living as Emily’s presence there made it all the more cosy. One day though Seamie received some devastating news when his long time friend and mentor Ned died after a long  illness, but the loss came with an upturn in fortune when the couple received the news from Ned’s solicitor that he had bequeathed onto them a considerable sum of money and also had left Seamie the Albatross. The result of this was that Emily purchased a seafood restaurant on the Kinsale seafront which she managed whilst Seamie branched out on his own with the Albatross as he managed his own crew. For the young fisherman though his concealed demons came back to pester him again when he turned to the bottle once more. Long excursions away with his crew on the Albatross as they pursued their contracted catch quotas in the wild Atlantic meant that his absence lead to friction between him and his wife and soon they quarrelled and argued. In feeling despair from the difficulty of married life Seamie turned to alcohol as a coping mechanism as he often stumbled home inebriated or sometimes not at all, Emily was swiftly losing patience. One evening as he fell in the front door stinking of Jameson whiskey he was confronted by an irate Emily, “where the hell were you” she said to him with anger, “actually I don’t know why I’m asking you that I mean look at you, you’re a disgrace”.
           Her husband stood in front of her and then struck her in the face with the palm of his hand as he said in a drunken rage “don’t you fucking well talk to me like that woman”. Emily looked at him in horror, she didn’t know who Seamie was anymore and for the first time in their relationship she was feeling despair as she broke down crying and ran into their bedroom slamming the door behind her, she sat down on the bed with her face clasped in her hands and continued crying. “How did it come to this” she thought to herself, here she was alone in a foreign country married to an alcoholic and most concerning of all she was carrying his baby. 

                                                                 16.
In therapy
“How have you been feeling lately?” Evelyn asked Seamie as they began another therapy session. “I’ve been feeling ok” he replied “I reckon the medication has helped and talking to you, although difficult, has made me face some of my biggest fears which I have faced and survived, for that I feel much better” he elaborated with a confident air.  “Very good” Evelyn replied with a jubilant tone”, “I must commend you for the courage you have shown in therapy so far and how forthright you have been from the very beginning” she added in praise of her client. Ms Fitzgerald then raised another issue with Seamie which occurred at their initial meeting “ I want to bring you back to when you first entered this therapy studio, if you remember you appeared to be very apprehensive at the sight of a certain object I had perched on the bookshelf over there” she said whilst pointing to it. Seamie felt the sense of unease surge through his body as his therapist brought up the subject, he knew exactly what she was referring to, “I have removed it from the studio since then but I am sure you know what I am talking about,the ship in the glass bottle” Evelyn added. Seamie gulped and nodded towards her in reply, “ I can see it still brings you a sense of unease, I want to know why this is so?” Evelyn asked her client “has it any association with what we have been talking about”. “It has” Seamie answered “it’s to do with me and my father”.
                Evelyn took notes whilst Seamie proceeded with the story behind the ship in the bottle, “ besides the fishing and sailing another favourite past time of Dad’s was to make model ships in glass bottles which he would sell at local craft fairs, they were quite popular and he developed a reputation for his talent in making them. The visitors to Kinsale during the summer would often call to the house to see his display and to view him in action as he would meticulously first select and shape small pieces of wood and then paint them accordingly. With a steady hand and a long tweezers he would collect the fragments and place them through the neck of the bottle onto the painted adhesive at the side of it, the blue signifying the sea it floated upon. I would observe as he would carefully shape the body of the ship, the bow,the stern, the cabin, the masts, sails all crafted with care. The way in which he would apply himself to his craft as he patiently pieced the ship together inside the bottle was a work of genius, I was mesmerised. I quickly developed a love for the craft and when I was old enough he showed me how it was done”.   Evelyn stopped taking notes and looked at her client as she said “ I take it you and your father forged a bond together over the making of these model ships”, “yes we did” Seamie replied, “I can also take it that something went wrong between you and your father over this bond seeing that you appeared so apprehensive at the sight of the model that was here in the studio, would I be right in that assumption?” Evelyn asked. Seamie this time fighting back tears responded “yes”.  
           “At first Dad and I had so much fun making the ships in  bottles” Seamie said continuing the story, “ I was a good learner and at first I would start by cutting and shaping the small wood pieces and painting them, it was through this that I learned to be caring, attentive and most importantly patient, three attributes my father told me were essential to the craft. I would watch and learn carefully as my father would make and apply the adhesive to the bottle and after that I graduated to placing the pieces into it.” as Seamie said this he started crying again, Evelyn looked on compassionately at her client as he released his emotion. “That was when he would beat me” Seamie said after he managed to compose himself, “after my mother died as I have said before Dad became more cold towards everyone and he drank a lot, he still kept making the models as it was something to distract him which he told me himself. When I started the complex business of piecing together the ship in the bottle I would often make mistakes by dropping pieces which could not be retrieved and then he would lose his patience. He would hit me repeatedly across the head and shout at me to concentrate, telling me I could not do anything right. I would tell him I was sorry and that I would try harder the next time which I did but there was no pleasing him, he would continue to beat me up and yell at me to try harder. Eventually I managed to master the craft and after I completed my first ship in a bottle I was so proud of myself, probably the only time in my life I felt pride, as I looked at the ship on the adhesive blue sea. Not long after that my father hung himself though, all I ever wanted to do was to please him and for him to be proud of me but it never happened” Seamie said as he broke down crying again.   

                                                   
                                                               17.

May 8th 2016,
Kinsale Co Cork, Ireland 
“Honestly Emily we’ve had enough of him” Jock said to Mrs Cronin as they had coffee together in a Kinsale cafe. Seamie and Emily had been married for just over two years now but in the past four months the marriage had virtually dissipated. Since Seamie had first struck his wife after coming home drunk he was apologetic and utterly remorseful towards her and undertook that it would not happen again and initially it did not, but the rest of the old habits still continued. Emily did appreciate that her husband would be gone for days at a time with his work as a fisherman but what she could not countenance is the amount of hours he would spend in the pubs of Kinsale and other parts of Cork when he was on dry land, often drinking alone. He appeared to be adverse to responsibility within the home as he became involved in verbal altercations with his wife when difficult issues were brought up such as her pregnancy, managing money and their future as he often stormed out of the house claiming that he was going for a walk to “clear his head”, but Emily knew where he was really going.  When Emily went into labour Seamie was nowhere to be found as Jock rushed her to the hospital. Whilst she screamed in agony in the maternity ward as the midwife offered her encouragement Jock was scouring through all the public houses he could think of trying to locate his best friend as he tried to contact him on his mobile to no avail. Eventually, he caught up with him in a pub in Clonakilty where he found him heavily inebriated and arguing with a barman who was refusing to serve him, just as the barman was about to call the guards Jock stepped him and offered to take him home. As Jock drove away from the pub with Seamie slouched over in the passenger seat half asleep and mumbling drunken jargon his friend knew that it was pointless taking him to the hospital now so instead he bought him home and put him to bed, not informing his friend of the new arrival that was on its way. 
          The following morning whilst nursing another hangover Seamie made his way with Jock to the maternity wing of Cork University hospital where he discovered that his wife had given birth to a beautiful baby boy which she had decided to call Thomas after her father. Seamie was overjoyed at the sight of his newborn son as he picked him up and cradled him in his arms but the reception he received from Emily was not so jovial as she refused to speak with him, her husband had fallen to new depths of depravity with his drinking and he had let her down badly this time. Emily refused to listen to her husband’s feeble excuses and protestations as he made his way from the hospital to the only place he could think of right now, the pub, after all it was time to “wet the baby’s head”. Jock looked on at the bar at his friend as he descended yet again into drunkenness, it saddened him deeply that Seamie was going down a path nobody could him follow him and he felt frustrated that there was no way he could help.
        Seamie and Emily managed to put their difficulties aside for a while when they brought babyThomas home as her family came over to Ireland to see their bundle of joy and to attend his christening. Often during their visit Tom and Sandy Hogan quizzed their daughter as to how the state of her marriage was but Emily fobbed them off with a smile and informed them that all was good, she did not want her folks worrying over her. Seamie continued to play the model son in law as he took Tom and Sandy out on the boat again to go fishing, all was well in paradise so it appeared. Eventually after the dust had settled on the occasion of the new arrival and the dawn of an apparent “new chapter” for the Cronins, Seamie took to the bottle again. As Emily struggled at home with bottle feeds, diaper changes and sleepless nights Seamie again was doing disappearing acts with little money coming from him back into the house. Only for Emily’s restaurant was doing quite well with trade at the time she did not know how they would survive at all. Seamie descended further into the abyss as one night just outside Cork city he was arrested by the guards for drunk driving and subsequently disqualified from driving for two years, there was a flip side to this outcome however as far as Emily was concerned as it restricted him more to the home.Whilst at home Emily continued to hide whiskey and vodka bottles from her husband which made him more irate and when he hit her again the final straw had been drawn, Emily moved out of the family home with Thomas where after being given temporary board by a friend of hers living in Carrigaline she managed to find an apartment in Kinsale for her and the baby to stay in. Emily took an interim barring order out against Seamie from approaching the house or her as the couple prepared to fight for custody of baby Thomas in the family law courts.
          More concern for Seamie came from his crew on the Albatross who were becoming tired of his absenteeism and mismanagement resulting from his drinking habits. Jock had stepped in to take charge of the boat but business was suffering and he was at the end of his tether as to what to do with Seamie which is why he had arranged the meeting with Emily at the cafe. “I’m not joking with you Emily, the amount of times myself and the lads have had to take up the slack because he couldn’t be found because he was too drunk or hungover well, I know, you’ve suffered too”. Mrs Cronin listened with concerned with what Jock was telling her as she looked up and back from her espresso, she could see that her husband’s best friend was hurting too from what was going on. “ I know how bad things are Jock but what do you expect me to do?” she told him, “I mean Seamie brought all this upon himself, it’s just tragic that we have all been caught up in it”. Jock looked at Emily with an expression of fondness and empathy “ I understand that you have suffered worse than any of us from Seamie’s behaviour and because of that you want little to do with him now,I’m just asking you to talk to him, he won’t listen to me but there’s some chance he may listen to you. I don’t want to worry you as you have enough to contend with now but unless Seamie seriously ups his game with the boat and the business we’re going bust, simple as. I need Seamie back to his best as I simply can’t run things on my own in the long term, not like the way Seamie can when he is well. We’ve lost a lot of business and potential contracts lately and if we do go under it’s going to be bad for all of us, do you see where I’m coming from” Jock concluded with a deeply worried expression etched across his face. Emily seeing the deep state of concern Jock was in for his friend and their business took a deep reflective sigh and answered “ok, I’ll try”.   

                                                                 18.

The AA meeting
“Hi everyone, my name is Seamie and I’m an alcoholic” Seamie said to the circle of strangers around him, “hi Seamie” they all responded in unison. Along with the therapy, Seamie had undertaken with his wife to attend alcoholic’s anonymous meetings to deal with his “drinking habits” as he described the problem. As a result of his therapy sessions with Evelyn Fitzgerald however the young fisherman did not have the same reservations in seeking assistance for the issues that were threatening to destroy his life, it was through his therapist that he was referred to an alcoholics anonymous group based in Glanmire, Co Cork which conducted weekly meetings out of an adult education centre in the town. When Seamie approached the door of the centre for his first meeting however the initial apprehension which engulfed him prior to his therapy with Evelyn resurfaced inside of him again. He felt felt a metaphorical knot form in his stomach and his hands tremble as he opened the door of the room where the meeting was being held, inside there was a number of people of all ages and walks of life already present who were chatting with each other whilst drinking cups of tea. Suddenly Seamie was approached by a well dressed middle aged man who introduced himself simply as Jim. “This is your first time here I take it” Jim said to the young man, “y yes, it s” Seamie replied nervously as Jim shook his hand. “Its ok,it’s natural to feel uneasy in a place like this, all of us who have been here before have felt the way you do now but believe me, there’s nothing to worry about”. “Thanks” replied Seamie to the man for his words of kindness as the two of them chatted together casually for a while before the meeting started. 
               At the commencement of the meeting the crowd present gathered around Jim, who was one of the coordinators for the evening, with their chairs in a circular formation. Jim welcomed all present and explained to everybody the rules involved at the meeting. The core rule was confidentiality and how everybody was bound to it if they wished to continue to be involved in the programme. He also informed the congregation that everybody identify themselves by first name only and be courteous and respectful throughout the meeting. After that Jim asked if there were any newcomers to the group to which Seamie then introduced himself and told his story.
            “This is my first time here so bear with me if I appear to be a little nervous,” he said to everyone present, “ I started drinking when I was 16, I remember it well as me and some of my friends from school went mitching for the day and we drank bottles of cider down alleyways. I enjoyed the feeling then and it wasn’t long before the feeling became a habit. Initially I drank because I enjoyed it but after a while I did it to escape the reality of my life. I had a troubled childhood and I used alcohol to numb myself from life and to distract me from whatever emotional pain I was in. From the bottles of cider and cans of Dutch Gold I was having it progressed as I stayed in bars long after my friends were gone, “amateurs” I’d call them to slag them off as I’d continue with the pints, vodkas, shots, the whole shooting gallery really. I’ve lost count of the number of times I woke up on a street pavement, a Garda cell, the bed of a strange woman or in a hospital emergency ward never recalling how I got there. I became involved in more fights with people that I became a complete social pariah and as a result I have very few friends that I can trust. I always sought one night stands when I was drunk to gratify myself as I felt undeserving of any kind of a meaningful relationship, that changed in recent years as I met a special woman who I fell in love with and I am glad to say to this day is still my wife. But I reached a new low when I was with her as I continued to drink heavily and I neglected both her and my baby son. I then did the most shameful thing in my life when I hit her, all because she confronted me about my drinking, I still cannot forgive myself for it. I am here before you today because for the first time in my life I am admitting that I have a problem, I am laying my flaws and my vulnerabilities out in front of you because I do not want this problem to dictate the rest of my life and take any opportunity I may have of happiness away from me but most importantly what I am trying to say is I, I…... I need help” Seamie concluded his story fighting back tears as he sat back in his chair to the applause and support of those present.  

                                             19.
May 9th 2016,
Kinsale Co Cork, Ireland
It was a beautiful early summer’s morning in the town of Kinsale but in the garage of a house close to the harbour that mattered little. In that garage Seamie had his silver Toyota Avensis parked there, in recent times following his driving disqualification in the local District Court he had surrendered his licence and cancelled his insurance policy for the vehicle. His friend Jock had agreed to buy the car off him but Seamie knew that he wouldn’t need the money, not where he was going this morning anyway. The young fisherman took a hose pipe from the back yard into the garage where he fixed one end of it to the exhaust of the car with the help of a rag to ensure that the emissions could only travel through the pipe. He then ran the hose along the side of the vehicle where he placed the other end in through the front passenger side window and wound the window up tightly to secure it. Once Seamie was satisfied with his work he took an envelope with a note inside it addressed to Emily out of his pocket and placed it on the kitchen table of the house. The note inside outlined what Seamie was about to do as he apologised to his wife for all the wrong he had done to her. Attached to it was a handwritten account by Seamie of his last will and testament and instructions as to how it was to be carried out. “It’s for the best” Seamie thought to himself as he walked back into the garage and ensured that the windows were securely shut, once he was happy with this he knew the scene was set as he sat in the driver’s seat of the vehicle. Only one thing was now certain for Seamus Cronin, he was going to die.
            As he turned on the ignition of the car which got the toxic emissions flowing all around him Seamie reflected on his troubled life and what a failure he had been. He remembered his mother and the initial experience of love she brought into his life but how her death had turned things horribly wrong after that. He thought of the moments of happiness he had with his father and the cruelty he had inflicted on him and his sisters and the guilt he felt about not being able to protect them from the monster. “If only my mother had lived” he thought to himself, “maybe things could have been so much different”, but for Seamie they weren’t as he descended into the myriad of alcoholism. He had encountered enough tragedy in his early years than many people encountered in a lifetime, a life devoid of any love, affection or self worth when all were most needed. He reflected on those model ships in their glass bottles and how they were the only thing he managed to master in his life, at a great emotional cost. He also recalled his happy days as a fisherman and skipper of his own boat the Albatross, but from here he felt a great sense of failure too as he had repeatedly let down Jock and his friends through mismanagement and absenteeism resulting from his alcoholism. He thought about his younger brother Fergal who he had not seen or heard from in a number of years but who he hoped was well and happy with whatever he was doing, he also thought of his aunt Susan and the trouble he had brought upon her as an adolescent in return for her patience and kindness with him. Most of all though he thought of his darling wife Emily and his baby son Thomas, “oh Emily”, he said to himself as the fumes made him feel sleepy, “you were the only happiness I ever had in my life, the only good thing, and I messed it all up”. When he thought about the hurt he had brought her he was in no doubt that their lives would be better off without him there.
           Seamie throughout his life had no belief in any God or heaven but as his death edged closer his mind turned to such philosophical matters. He hoped that if such an afterlife existed he would be reunited with his mother and his sister Ali but with all the wrong he reckoned he had committed in this life he felt undeserving of such a fate.The young man eyes grew heavy as he slowly drifted away into a state of unconsciousness whilst the emission fumes from the car kept flowing into it.               

                                                                      20.
In therapy
“Would you mind if I made an analogy regarding your current predicament?” Evelyn asked Seamie at the start of another therapy session. Her client feeling somewhat puzzled at the question being put to him looked back at his therapist with an expression portraying such a feeling as he replied with an affirmative “ok”. “ I assume that you know what this is” Evelyn said to the young man as she showed him the model ship in a glass bottle that adorned her studio on the first day Seamie entered , on this occasion he did not feel any apprehension upon viewing it, he had confronted these feelings before and had concluded in his own mind that they were not going to own him, “yes I do” he replied looking sternly at the ornament. 
              “I was thinking about what you told me in our last session about how your father made these models and you learned the craft from him, particularly what you said about wanting to win his approval by being able to make these objects. All your life you have been devoid of love and encouragement when it mattered most and this has resulted in you growing up with a chronic lack of self esteem. Up until you spoke with me you have been unwilling to confront or even recognise these issues, you found alternative ways to numb yourself to life and keep you functioning from day to day, alcohol and meaningless flings being two of them. All this time you have followed gratification and mistook it as a potential solution to your problems in life, but in truth they were merely exacerbating the problem and increasing the inner void you felt. You have gone  through life with an innate sense of self loathing brought on by a misplaced feeling of guilt over the abuse inflicted on your siblings by your father, a guilt which you have carried all this time when in truth it was never your fault. Most tragically of all you were carrying this emotional baggage when you met your wife Emily and started a family and the inferiority complex within you simply came to the fore again because you never addressed the problem. In truth Seamus you are a smart, successful, kind, caring and brave individual and you have many desirable qualities but you have to realise this yourself, do you understand what I am saying?”. Seamie nodded at his therapist in acknowledgement and said “I do, but where does the analogy come into play?”.
               Evelyn then proceeded to explain her analogy using the model ship in a bottle she had, “ Imagine that this ship in the bottle is you, strong, sturdy, elegant, a sight to behold but when you look closer at it you realise that it is not going anywhere and the reason why it is not going anywhere is because it is trapped within the confines of the glass bottle. You resemble this ship because just like it you are trapped also, not in a glass bottle but within the limitations your mind has imposed upon you. These limitations are a manifestation of the trauma you have encountered throughout your life and your adverse reaction to them, much like the clear glass the boundaries cannot be seen but it does not disguise the fact that you are trapped. The ship in a bottle has a double representation of what you are as firstly it evokes memories of initial happiness, pride and a desire for self advancement as you learned the craft whilst on the other side  is the pain and trauma in your life which was instigated by your father. You may shudder and want to run from the ship in the bottle as it reminds you that you are trapped but ultimately you cannot as the ship is who you are, do you understand what I am trying to explain to you?” Ms McCarthy asked her client. Seamie sat there mesmerised as he pondered silently at what the therapist had told him before answering “yes I do, but how do I break free from this feeling of entrapment?”, “it’s quite simple really” replied Evelyn “you just break the glass that surrounds you and find your ocean, how you do that you must figure out yourself”.

                                                                     21.
May 9th 2016,
Kinsale Co Cork, Ireland
Emily Cronin reluctantly approached the house of her troubled ex husband, ever since the separation proceedings began she had little contact with Seamie which was predominantly done through her solicitor. On this occasion however she was doing a favour for his best friend Jock and for their fishery business, ultimately it would not serve in the best interests of their son Thomas if his father was to lose his principal source of income. She wondered was there any point to this visit as she knew that Seamie would be too drunk or too obnoxious to listen to her, but her son Thomas was her priority and for his sake she had to try. Emily knocked at the front door a number of times and got no answer, “he’s probably slumped out cold on the couch” she reckoned to herself as she used the front door key she still had to enter and step inside. Inside the house she found there was no sign of Seamie and called his name a number of times but got no answer, she went into the kitchen where she found  small white envelope on the table with her name on it. Mrs Cronin opened the envelope where to her horror she discovered the contents of the note that was inside, it read as follows

My darling Emily
By the time you read this I will probably be dead, I am so sorry to distress you but there are a few things you need to know. Firstly I want to thank you for coming into my life and giving me the only happiness I have ever known, both you and baby Thomas, my regret is that I could not return that happiness. For various reasons I never wished to tell you the true story about my past and I still don’t wish to reveal it, it’s all simply too painful but it is what I believe to be the reason I’m the screwed up person you know. I’m sorry I was not the husband I should have been for you and for all the times I mistreated you. I’m also sorry for not being there as a father for Thomas, I know he’s too young now but maybe in time he’ll understand what it was all about. I can only conclude that you would both be better off in your lives if I was not in them and because of that I have decided to take mine. Please tell Jock and the lads that I am sorry  for letting them all down with the business, I have enclosed my last will and testament which instructs what is to be done with what I have left, Jock is to get the boat whilst I hope both yourself and Thomas can make a home for yourselves in this house. I know you hate me but please understand that it was never my intention to hurt you. 
With all my love
Seamie

Emily went into a blind state of panic upon reading the letter as she raced around the house screaming “Seamie, Seamie” trying to find him but to no avail, having looked everywhere she went to the last place she had not checked, the garage. When she went inside she saw the Toyota Avensis parked there with the ignition running and the pungent smell of exhaust emissions that were threatening to suffocate her. She grabbed an old towel that was in the garage to cover her nose and mouth and ran towards the car where she found Seamie lying lifeless in the driver’s seat, there was no time for distress as Emily opened the car door and managed to pull Seamie from the vehicle. Using all her strength she managed to drag her husband on the floor towards the garage door and outside where once away from the toxic air she gasped a few times before calling an ambulance and then performing CPR on him.She continued with the mouth to mouth resuscitation for several minutes before Seamie gasped and coughed to her relief.
            The young fisherman awoke a number of hours later where as he adjusted his eyes to his new surroundings he found that he was lying on a bed behind a screen in the emergency department of Cork University hospital, a location he was depressingly familiar with. He looked to the side of the bed where he found Emily sitting on a chair looking directly at him, her eyes were red and it was clear to him that she had been crying, another thing was also clear to him in that his suicide attempt had failed. “What were you thinking” Emily asked her husband as she looked at him with a stern expression, “were you really going to let Thomas grow up without knowing his father? were you going to leave the few people you care about in a state of permanent confusion as we try to figure out why you really did it and why you wouldn’t talk about it? are you ever going to think about anybody else other than yourself?,Emily’s tone became more irate as she spoke. Seamie looked back at his wife with an empty expression as he sighed deeply, but he could not find the words to rationalise why he did what he did. 
           “I read your letter ” Emily added as she went on, “Seamie you need to tell me what it is that is troubling you, I mean all this time you have been holding back from me even though we are supposed to be husband and wife and look at you now, look at us, for heaven’s sake Seamie you need to talk to me if you care about anything at all. You’re lucky to call to the house when I did otherwise I wouldn’t be talking to you now, the doctor says you’ll be ok but it was a close call. The reason I was calling to you is that Jock is worried too and what is happening with the boat, if you don’t sort yourself out you’ll lose the business too along with everything else, please Seamie I’m begging you save yourself, if you cannot do that at least allow the rest of us save you from yourself”, she concluded with tears in her eyes. Seamie upon hearing his wife closed his eyes and realised there was no other option as he detailed his troubled past first with his mother’s death, then with the repeated abuse his late father inflicted on both him and his siblings before witnessing his suicide, then his sister’s tragic death and the struggle he has had ever since with alcoholism, subsance abuse and a chronic lack of self worth. As he concluded his account the young man broke down crying as his estranged wife hugged him, “promise me one thing Seamie” she said to him “get help”.
             It was September 14th 2016 when Jock dropped Seamie off in the silver Toyota Avensis outside the country home of Evelyn Fitzgerald having been referred there by his wife, even though he was at rock bottom and scared today was going to be the day when he would start to climb out of the hole he was in.     
 
                                                                     22.
February 27th 2017,
Cork University Hospital mortuary,
Cork, Ireland
Seamie walked with the Garda into the mortuary as the pathologist prepared to draw back the white sheet which concealed the identity of the face underneath. It was four days after the young fisherman had his last therapy session with Evelyn Fitzgerald when she made the interesting analogy using the model ship in a bottle which had got him thinking ever since. As he sat having breakfast that morning with Emily and baby Thomas pondering how how would “break out of the bottle” his train of thought was interrupted by a phone call. “ Mr Seamus Cronin?” asked the male voice on the other end of the line, “yes, you’re talking to him” replied Seamie, “this is Garda Ger Scullion of Anglesea Street Garda station” the voice replied before going on “there’s no easy way of saying this but  a body of an unidentified male was brought into the mortuary at Cork University hospital early this morning, we believe that he may be your brother Fergal Cronin” Seamie gasped with horror upon hearing the news. The voice continued, “the reason I am calling you is that we are not aware of any next of kin other than yourself who may be able to assist us with an identification, would you be able to help us in that regard?” he asked, “y y yes” replied Seamie with stutter. “Good” replied the Garda, “I’ll see you at Cork University hospital where I’ll explain more to you”, “I’ll be there in an hour” answered Seamie as the call cleared. “What’s the matter” asked Emily as she sat across from him at the kitchen table feeding baby Thomas on her lap, “it’s my bother Fergal, he’s dead,” replied her husband with a stunned expression.
              At the hospital Seamie met with Garda Scullion who explained to him the circumstances of the discovery “we responded to a call early this morning about trespassers in a derelict house in the city centre, when we got there we found a young male unresponsive who was brought here to the emergency department but was pronounced dead on arrival. We believed he died from a heroin overdose”. Seamie was so horrified upon receiving the details that he had to sit down to process what he just heard. “The reason we reckon that the male concerned is Fergal is that your brother is well known to us for obvious reasons, I understand you two have not been in contact for a while?” inquired the Garda, “no, no we haven’t, Fergal had his problems down through the years, I just never thought it would come to this” Seamie responded. “If you follow me this way Mr Cronin I’ll bring you to the mortuary” Garda Scullion informed him as Seamie followed him trembling in dreaded anticipation. At the mortuary Seamie was brought to a large table in a cold, desolate place where the smell of death crudely invaded the senses, he looked on as the pathologist pulled back the white sheet and he stared into the face of his dead brother.
              Three days later at the funeral a sparse gathering congregated at the local cemetery in Kinsale for Fergal’s burial service consisting of a few estranged cousins, Seamie’s aunt Susan along with Seamie, Emily and baby Thomas. As Seamie looked on stony faced with the coffin being lowered into the ground he thought of nothing else but his late brother, how they played and quareled in the past, the fun they had in their father’s boat, the pain they both experienced at their mother’s death, the abuse and torment they both suffered at the hands of their father, the guilt he felt at not being able to protect Fergal from the horrors he encountered in life, the pain they both felt again at the loss of their sister Ali and ultimately how it came to pass that they drifted from each others lives as the younger brother wandered down a dark path nobody could follow him on which culminated in what Seamie was looking at today. He felt that he had no more tears left to give but Seamie still managed to shed one for Fergal as he threw the first piece of earth on his coffin whilst it lay on the ground, “find peace my brother” he said to him “this life had none to offer you”.
              After the service Seamie was at his aunt Susan’s house where he was having tea and sandwiches and chatting with his cousins when his aunt approached him, “come into the kitchen Seamie in your own time, we’ll have a chat”. About five minutes later Seamie went into the kitchen where Susan was there alone with a face that looked just as grief stricken as his but still managed a warm smile when she saw him. “It’s been a while since I saw you, too long really, how have you been?” she asked him as she embraced him with an affectionate hug. “I’ve been keeping well Aunt Susan” responded Seamie, “really, that’s not what I’ve heard” replied Susan as they sat down at the kitchen table. “Really” said Seamie “what have you heard”, “never mind that for a second” replied Susan “first of all I want to tell you how happy I was to hear that you found someone special in your life, Emily is a lovely girl” she said smiling. “Se sure is” responded Seamie, “she’s been my rock”, “and baby Thomas” replied Susan, “he’s a little dote, he’s the image of his daddy”, Seamie blushed and smiled at that remark. The pair chatted for a while about each others lives and their memories of Fergal before Susan said to her nephew “Seamie, for all the times I let you down when I should have been there for you, I am sorry”, Seamie upon hearing this felt the tears flow from him as he responded, “it’s ok Aunt Susan” he responded emotionally, “it wasn’t your fault, besides you had enough to be dealing trying to bring all of us up along with your own family after Dad died”. “Still though” Susan responded “I can only but feel guilty, your wife told me in confidence what had happened to you recently and how unhappy you have been, it saddened me terribly to hear it”. Seamie didn't know how to respond to that remark initially, he was taken aback that Emily had told her what had happened and not so long ago he would have reacted angrily to such a revelation but this was now and there could be no more running away from his difficulties if he hoped to overcome them. “I have been in a dark place for a long, long time Aunt Susan, did she tell you about what happened with my father?” Seamie asked her, “she did” responded his aunt, “I never knew how much of a monster my brother could become despite what grief he felt at the death of your mother, the important thing Seamie is to always remember that it’s not your fault, it never was and you should never have carried any guilt in the first place. Look at Ali and Fergal, they’re gone now but you are still here, you’re still standing here with a God given chance to make a good life for yourself if you only allow it, your brother and sister never had that chance. You have the opportunity to grow and to love, it’s precious, don’t let it pass you by because life is too short” Susan told him as the pair hugged again. This time Seamie was going to make good use of the advice given to him. 

                                                                     23.
May 25th 2017,
Inchydoney beach,
Inchydoney island, Co Cork, Ireland
It was a beautiful early summer’s day on the majestic Inchydoney beach overlooked by the famous hotel and spa which drew a number of visitors to the locality throughout the year. Seamie Cronin sat on a deck chair whilst reading a book whilst Emily sat on a rug beside him playing with Thomas who was busy exploring the sand with his bucket and spade. The book Seamie was reading was one Evelyn Fitzgerald had given him called A man’s search for meaning by a holocaust survivor and Austrian psychiatrist called Victor Frankl. The book was hardly the kind of reading material you would take with you for a day at the beach but to  Seamie the content was captivating and he could not put it down. The book detailed how the author mentally adapted to the horror he encountered and endured whilst a prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp during World War 2. Incredulous suffering was inflicted upon him whilst he was a prisoner as the sight of death was an everyday occurrence along with sickness, malnutrition and senseless brutality. To Seamie whatever trauma he had encountered in his entire life was insignificant to what the author had to endure in a few short years as the willingness for one to carry on and survive in the face of unbearable suffering was tested every day. What had captivated Seamie though was how the author mentally adapted to his trials as he discovered that the essence of life and living was not meaning itself but the pursuit of meaning. Regardless of how wretched one’s existence could be at any given time it could still have meaning once the sense of purpose still existed in one’s subconscious. The author detailed how fellow prisoners died on a daily basis from a lack of willingness to live as they found their existence too unbearable, their spirits broken, but he himself managed to survive from a different mindset which he later described as  logotherapy and thus a new study in psychology was born.   
              Seamie pondered how logotherapy could be adapted to his own life as he searched for his own sense of meaning. It was three months since Fergal’s death and since then he had been involved in a lot of soul searching with the assistance of Evelyn. Along with this he had been going to the AA meetings which he found helpful as he went about the twelve step process and took great solace in being to confide with other people who were going through the same struggles he was. The situation regarding his home life had improved as Emily had moved back in with him and he started to bond with his son Thomas, for the first time he was starting to fulfill his role as a husband and father. The marriage counselling sessions the couple had undertook were certainly beneficial along with the fact that Seamie was sober for a year now, things were in a better place which in turn provided for cautious optimism but the threat of regression still loomed. Seamie was still looking for something in life that he could really engage in and get that sense of purpose he was reading about and now craved, he looked for something he could use to shake off the shackles of past inferiorities and restore a sense of tacit pride within himself, he was still searching.
              Suddenly Seamie’s attention was drawn from his book when he heard a shrill scream coming from just down from where he was as a woman cried “aaahhhh nooo Jordan, Jordan somebody please help”. He looked out at the sea where he saw a young boy struggling to keep his head above water as the ravaging waves crashed over him. It appeared that he was on an inflatable lilo when suddenly he ran into difficulty causing him to fall off it as he now struggled frantically. As his mother remained on the shore in a state terror it was quite apparent that she could not swim as others ran to alert the lifeguard who was further up the beach. “Stay here” Seamie said to Emily as he took off his t shirt and ran towards the sea, it was clear to the young man that there was no time to procrastinate, there was a life at stake. “Wait Seamie what are you doing” Emily shouted after her husband but he was not listening. The fisherman charged into the sea until it was almost waist high on him and after that he submerged himself and swam out to where the distressed boy was. The waves were large at times but Seamie used his swimming skills to negotiate them as he saw that the boy was barely conscious. “Hang on Jordan I’ve got you” Seamie said, remembering the boys name, he appeared to be no more than ten years old. He looped one of the boys arms around him and swam back to shore.The waves were strong though and Seamie was finding himself in slight difficulty before the lifeguard came to his aid and they both managed to get him back on dry land. Back on the sand it was discovered that the boy had lost consciousness as the lifeguard desperately performed mouth to mouth resuscitation on him, he continued to be unresponsive though. Just when it appeared all hope was lost the boy coughed and spluttered as he was turned sideways to eject the unwanted seawater from his lungs. Seamie walked back towards where Emily was with the baby as she smiled at him and said “looks like you’ll never kick your habit for scaring me”.
                                                                          24.

In therapy
“I think I’ve discovered it” said Seamie, “discovered what?” Evelyn inquired, they were both back in the therapy studio for another session, the first since Seamie had his life saving episode at the beach. “How to escape from the bottle, I applied what I learned in the book you gave me, which was a very good read might I add, to my own life situation and suddenly I can feel the glass shatter around me”.  Evelyn looked at her client with a genuine expression of glee on her face, “very good” she said “how did you come to that conclusion?”. “I remembered what Dr Frankl said in the book that the essence of living life itself lies not in the meaning but in the pursuit of meaning, to have a sense of purpose as you go about each day. Despite how wretched life may be it can still have a sense of purpose about it and from the pursuit of meaning comes the meaning itself. I found that I was making great progress from the therapy and the AA meetings, not to mention the support I was receiving from my wife, but I still felt that there was a missing piece in the jigsaw, something that would safeguard me from regressing back into my old vices. It was through reading Dr Frankl’s book that I discovered where that missing piece lay, in finding that sense of purpose that would sustain me from day today but I was struggling to discover what exactly it was.For too long I was self focused as I sought self gratification and allowed self loathing to dictate every decision I made and deny every opportunity that arose when all I had to do was look outward. I was in constant victim mode which meant that I was not giving myself the capacity to stop the habit of blame and learn from life’s setbacks to allow myself to heal and to grow. A few days ago I was at Inchydoney on the beach with Emily and Thomas when I intervened in an incident where a young boy was drowning, I managed to swim over to him and save his life. The incident helped me to reflect on the kind of person I am and what I can become, then I looked at my wife and son and discovered where my true purpose in life lay, as a husband and father. By being a protector and provider I am needed and from there my sense of duty and ultimately purpose will derive from, it is from here that I will arise from the abyss that I find myself in.”
              Evelyn was almost speechless with admiration with what her client had told her, it was clear that through her guidance he had managed to map his own road to redemption and now he was about to embark on it. “Wow, all I can say Seamus is well done” the therapist said as Seamus continued, “my new found sense of purpose is the way out of the bottle, there is wind in my sails and the glass around me, that of self loathing, addiction, fear and doubt, is about to shatter”.

                                                                      25. 
June 11th 2019,
Kinsale Co Cork, Ireland
“By God that’s a great haul we got lads” Seamie said to Jock and the rest of the men as they finished on the boat after another successful fishing expedition. “It sure was” said Jock as they looked at the crates of mackerel and sea bass being taken away at the pier, “and to think that we were so near going under not that long ago,still it’s great to have you back” he added with a smile. “Thanks to you and the lads for helping me find the way back, I couldn’t have done it without you” Seamie said to his long time friend as both men shook hands and patted each other on the back. It was over three years now and Seamie had still not put a drop of alcohol to his lips, through the AA meetings he had obtained a sponsor who helped him through the most challenging times of his abstention after which he concluded that the things that don’t kill you in this life only make you stronger. His aunt Susan was right, he was not to blame for the awful things that happened with his father in the past but he had an opportunity to do right with the wrong that happened then. His mother, Ali and Fergal and Ned were gone for good that he knew but he was still here and because of that he had a duty to their memory to live a meaningful and fulfilling life, not to be stuck in the quagmire of victimhood, as his aunt Susan also said life was simply too short for anything else. Seamie diverted his attention in times of challenge to the many positives that were in the here and now of his life, his beautiful family, his good friend in Jock, the good people in his life like his aunt Susan and Evelyn Fitzgerald, the home he had to go back to, a job and a way of life he loved in fishing and most importantly his health, for so long he could not see this but now the fog had lifted.
         “The lads are talking about going for a few pints this evening I take it we can count you out” Jock said to Seamie laughing, “trust me Jock, I have all I need back home” Seamie replied with a smile as he prepared to head back there. Whilst he walked the short journey home the young fisherman reflected on the soulful journey he had made over the past few years and the potential challenges which lay ahead. Indeed it was one of great personal growth but the threats and the vulnerabilities towards regressing would always be there but through his growth journey he had developed two considerable traits which could counteract such problems. The first was his greater sense of self awareness which allowed him to rationalise why he was feeling or behaving in a certain way at any given time and the second was his ability to  communicate his problems, his fears and worries which ran through his head in order to prevent them from manifesting into anything greater than what they were. Both would be crucial as he negotiated the road ahead but most importantly he knew that he was not alone.
            As Seamie turned the key for  the front door of his house he knew he was entering a place where tenderness and love could prosper, not suspicion and misdirected anger like before. As young Thomas ran to greet him in the hallway he picked him up and gave him an affectionate fatherly hug, finally he was allowing the best of him to prosper. In the kitchen Emily was preparing dinner, she was four months pregnant with the couples third child on the way, their second child a one year old baby girl Ali was in her playpen happily oblivious to the grown up bliss around her. Seamie embraced his wife and kissed her, he knew it was good to be home, to a place that love could nurture and grow. “I’ve only started to prepare dinner, it won’t be ready for an hour” Emily told her husband, “that’s ok” he replied “it’ll give me some time beforehand to do a bit more with that thing I have been working on”. Seamie went into the garage at the side of the house to a work table he had set up there, on it he had a model ship in a bottle he was working and was almost complete. He pulled up his stool and went to work on some of the finer details that were left to complete but just as he was about to commence he heard the pitter-patter of tiny footsteps run up alongside where he was sitting as little Thomas declared “big ship Dada, big ship”. Seamie looked at his son with affection as he placed him on his lap and said to him “here, let me show you how it’s done”. The ship had escaped from its bottle, it was now time for it to set sail.

                                                           THE  END.