TIME TO DIE

Big eyes stareing blankly, empty

Like a meter controlling breath,

That slows and slows,

Winding down 'till death.

She had been a good person all her life, all her 90 years of life

and that’s why people that came in contact with her, warmed to

her She was not the goody goody two shoes type who might make

you feel like you should do good, be good, because she never for

a moment prejudged anyone, rather, she would just accept you for

the human being you are because she only believed in one race

– The Human Race –

Occasionally she might meet with someone who’s nature she may

not have liked but her own nature would only allow her to be polite

and courteous.She could listen to others woes and worries with a

sympathetic ear and understand the underlying cause of distress

and so, people could talk to her in the knowledge that their confidence

was intact.

There she lies, uncomplaining, awaiting her final breath, enjoying her

ten mil syringe of water, that may not sound like much, but then to a

withered tongue and sunken cheeks, ten mils is like a flood,

the eyes stretch wide in wonderment as the brain deciphers the

liquid.,….”.Mmmmm Beautiful” she would declare joyfully “that’s lovely “

she pleads for more and again, the ten mil trip of water delights her

mind, then back to that head of dreams she drifts.

This then is role reversal time for me, a time when barriers must

be broken down smartly and the needs of this lovely one must be

met fully, and so it was. One must do what one must do.

We will not talk about the pain, she wouldn’t want to burden you with

that, She took the pain as punishment for living so long.

She was the last of her siblings, her brother, the eldest and her five

sisters had all gone. She was the youngest of the family,the “Baby”

But she's my baby now.

There she sleeps, a medicinal sleep and her mind is turning as in

meditation as her thoughts, strange or otherwise drift through and

she mutters, sometimes gruffly sometimes sweet and sometimes clearly

as she oralises her dreaming meanderings “Now there’s a lovely

wee boy “ and at another time there was, and in a gruff voice

“There’s that redheaded boy” and she would slightly shake her jaw.

Wake up times have become sort of routine for us,she not knowing

that it was a routine and me, I will respond in a caring manner with

variations but it goes like this a bit. Eyes’, wide and staring, question

marks for pupils then finally those eyes focus in on me and when

recognition comes to her,she would say”Where amI?How long have

I been like this? Well my wee da’lin,I would say my, wee pet lamb,

this is your room, you’ve been in this room for a good while now.

Can you see that wee stuffed toy bear peekin’ over that bookshelf

Yea that’s right and that photo over there” and it would all come

flooding back to her and her face would light up in delightful recognition

pulling those cold lips into a grin and some heh heh hehs’ for good

measure.She spies the wee painting her eldest son had painted

for her of her Daddies wee boat ‘The Surie ‘ Her son had portrayed

her daddie, herself and their spaniel ‘Laddie’ on board and she

would relive that marvellous time she had when she and her dad

sailed on an adventure over Lochs and canals.That was a great

time for her and she very much loved her dad, her mother having

died when she was twelve. By the time she was sixteen, her brother

had long gone off on his career and her sisters all had gone to

America, she went off too and had some stories to tell but she

didn’t like America and so she asked her dad if she could come

home and in no time less than the ship could carry her she was

back home again. Some few years after that she nursed her own

daddie with the same illness as her own.

All life long since you got out of nappies you just know that when

you want to pee you go to the toilet, it’s ingrained, it’s something

you’ve always done and nothin’s changed, except….it has.

“I’ve got to get up, I’ve got to go to the toilet! “ she makes a very

frail attempt at getting up. “ it’s o.k. da’lin” I say and grin

“You can just do it where you are now, “ it’s o.k. da’lin because

you have a nappy on now just like babies do “ and I would go on

in a reassuring fashion or I would move her hip by about 0050

of a millimetre and she would blissfully do the business, that worked,

-------------------------once.

Fresh and clean and massaged with cream some have never had it

good. Boy! Am I ever giving pay-back for scratching back, oh yea

all those years that I had kneeled beside her,shirt up for a delightful

scratch, she was good at it and had great stamina. Unreplaceable

Woe is me.

Some changes now as time winds down, her breathing has changed

from regular laboured breaths to seemingly, a series like, five breaths

in,five breaths out, five no breaths at all then five more in and so forth

There would be a lot of sighing after those five breaks without breath.

“Hey ho, Hey hum hum” she suddenly says, I glance out the window

and reply, “It certainly looks that sort of a day, occasionally I’d get a

chuckle out of something like that.

Her legs are swelling with water and there comes the time they

start to leak a fluid and so it becomes increasingly more difficult to

move her legs comfortably . “this is no good” she says,

“how can you do it, ach I just want to go now” I stroke that fine thick

head of hair she has and say “ I know Da’lin it’s not much fun for you

is it eh but we just have to wait and you’ll get the big sleep soon enough,

and I’m here to look after you just like you have done for me, so

it’s no problem to me coz your so good are’nt you,“you've been good

all your life and people love you for that dont they?”She would smile

at things like that, a smile that knew she still had her own secrets

in tact.

After three weeks of not eating anything at all she suddenly declares

at 2.30 one morning that she was hungry. It went like this “I’m Hungry”

“O.K. Mum, just wait a bit and I’ll get you something” I’m thinking,

she’ll forget about it and sleep on but. “I’m HUNGRY!” she’s getting

a bit moany and she’s not a grumpy person ever but I was tired and

said,“I’ll get some breakfast in the morning” but of course she has no

conception of time so this time she says “AM I A HUMAN BEING

OR WHAT?” I say without laughing “ yes you are a human being’

and she shoots back, “THEN FEED ME”……… I did . She ate it.

The leaking legs they leak no more, I’m quietly happy about that

She becomes increasingly restless ,her feet are twitching as is her

arms and legs, her tongue constantly explores her mouth pausing

only to take some water. Her body is cold now and when I hold her

hand I can feel no reaction I stroke her cooling brow. She has been

complaining of feeling sick so the Doctor has prescribed some other

medicine and my brother goes to collect it and on his return we

administer a dose, the nausea continues but gradually the medicine

kicks in and she begins to calm and soon is back to her shallow

breathing routine but there has been a change this day and when she

clearly announced that she would miss us all we think, ’she means

it this time.

The children, her grandchildren of this house arrive home from school.

They come into Nana’s room and say their goodbyes. Five minutes on and

that gentle sighof life departs.

Gang ye now my Lassie

There's nae mair o life tae fear

Gang ye now my Lassie O

Gang ye nowmy Dear

fino