Will she be strong like me?

*Text Message*

"​I'm outside" -Angelica

As i walked out, right when i looked, i knew the car she was driving was stolen.

She looked proud, its almost as if she did it to please me. to show me she can.

i got in the car.

it smelled like cigarettes, weed, and perfume all mixed together. she was smiling.

her big brown eyes were so solid, so shiny. her smile was fake. i knew deep down it wasn't her.

not her lifestyle .

she was my best friend. she knew of my life and where i came from. what i did to survive.

Ive stolen cars plenty of times. never got caught. i knew how to do it. 

Kids grew up playing with other kids, toys, barbies.

i grew up learning how to play people.

She knew i was into girls. i think i might have turned her out with just one look.

But no matter how good of friends we were, no matter how much shit we went through.

this proved to me, that years.. don't matter, when shit gets tough. This is the day i knew 

shit was never solid. I'm going to tell you, how everything C H A N G E D

-November 9, 2014

I got in the car , we drove EVERYWHERE. knowing it was stolen we didn't care. I never had cared being in stolen cars. She was speeding, driving crazy, to prove to me she wasn't scared.

We drove to this liquor store, i grabbed a bag of dorritos, gatorades, and cigarettes. We went back to driving drove down this road. Driving into nowhere.

It started getting dark so we decided to stay a little while longer. just parked in the middle of this road with no worries, no cops. We smoked the whole pack of cigarettes. Sitting on top of the car with our fingers with hella dorrito crumbs. 

We kissed, and i could taste the red flavored gatorade. She pulled me in, grabbing me from my neck, pulling me in so deep that i couldn't do anything but want to feel her. she was sitting on the car and i kept grabbing her hips, her thighs. 

She got up and grabbed my hand and got in the back seat. We never fucked, or made love. however you want to call it. I saw in her eyes she was nervous. Hesitant to take her panties off, but she did. We made love for at least an hour that day.

When we were done,

*23 missed calls*

she knew she was fucked. her grandma kept calling her. i told her i would drive but she didn't let me cause she just wanted to get home. 

So we go down the road, she's speeding. I didn't mind, i was texting waiting for us to get somewhere where we can ditch the car and go home.

*THUMP!!!*

"Holy shit ! OMG Mishaille ! Mishaille what was that ! OMG!" -Angelica

"Keep fucking going! don't fucking look back! Angelica don't look back! if you love me don't look! Just fucking go!!" -Mishaille

as she was speeding, i had looked up for one second… one fucking second. I saw this man getting something out his truck… thats when i saw him fall off

As i closed my eyes when i saw him fall, i heard her run him over. I felt the pressure. I heard the sound. I felt his body open. I knew what had happened. I knew what we done. I told her to not look back.. but i did. 

We heard from a distance people yelling, crying. the farther we drove away the less we heard it. As if i was putting the volume down. Angelicas going crazy so i told her to pull over so i can drive.

She pulled over, and right when she got out she threw up. she couldn't breathe, she couldn't stop crying. I asked her if she looked back, and she said "no! you told me not to, did you?"

I told her no. i held her hair, wiped the mascara dripping from under her eyes and put her in the backseat. i drove for about 10 minutes down the road until i got to an open street, public street. those 10 minutes i kept feeling that man under the car. i felt his body on every rock i drove on. 

i looked back.. i fucking looked back.

i got to this court, and there was a park near. i parked the car and when i went to open the back door she jumped out and started hitting me. "WTF did you make me do, its all your fault".

Knowing she's hurt i let her hit me, punch me and pull my hair. She stopped… and fell to the floor and cried. As I'm sitting on the side walk, i see the blood on the tires. the front bumper was smushed in. i grabbed her as soon as i saw it and said lets go, cmon.

my cousin not knowing what we did, picked us up from safeway a couple blocks down from where we left the car and took her home. she was quiet, she was dead. didn't say a word. just looked straight into my eyes as she got off the car and went inside.

*36 year old, Michael Delorean was killed by a hit and run yesterday night. He was hit  with a stolen vehicle which was found earlier this morning*

She told me she was scared. i told her it was ok. they had no suspects. We were ok. She would call me every night and talk to me about her nightmares. I don't think there has been one day where she didn't call. I would listen to her. the tone in her voice, how her voice would crack, i would listen to her cry for hours.

But after a while she stopped calling, weeks, months went by. 

No calls , no text messages…. Nothing

*TEXT MESSAGE*

"i thought you were my friend. I fell in love with you and you fucking knew that. Im going through so much shit. I cry every fucking day, I'm fucking scared 24/7, i would tell you how i felt and i would cry, i was waiting for you to tell me how u feel, i waited for you to cry. I thought you were my best friend. you have no fucking feelings huh. I bet you sleep with no worries. Im leaving tomorrow to New York back with my mom. I just wanted to tell you that."

-Angelica

When i read the message.. I broke everything in my room. My tv, my mirrors, my clothes and make up where everywhere, blood. I called her at least 20x in 5 minutes. No fucking answer. I cried and cried because i knew there was nothing i can do to get her to answer or hear me out. but i figured, she can ignore my calls, but not my texts.

"I love you, you know i love you. Im fucking sorry that shit turned out this way. I knew from the second i walked out the door and got in the car something was going to happen. and I'm not heartless. Angelica you broke down, you died on me. i never seen you like that. I wanted to be strong for you. I didn't want you to hear me cry and or i didn't want to tell you my nightmares because i would rather let you vent to me. I cry every fucking day, not only nights everyday. I'm in my room 24/7. i cry! i wakeup crying and i go to sleep crying,i cant get the look of your face when that shit happened out of my head , and i cant get the image of what i saw when i looked back.. I'm sorry"

not even one minute passed by, when she called me.

"You told me you didn't look back ! you told me not too ! why did you ! why!!!!"-A

​"I just fucking looked back, when i looked i fckn almost passed out thats why i told you not to fucking look back dumbass! your lucky you didn't fucking look or else you would've been killed yourself by now"-M

*Crying* -A

She cried the whole time on the phone for like an hour. She hated me. She cried and last thing she said on the phone was fuck you and hung up.

2 weeks later she texts me saying she's leaving.. a month later i left my uncles and came back home. I never seen or heard of her again.. i hope she didn't kill herself. i hope she's still alive.. this is our little secret.. the nightmares in my head, won't ever make me break. 

will she be strong like me?