Down time

I sit and plan, I mean to follow through with, I used to be so active loved being out having fun. I moved thinking it’s help me but now regret only that I feel I have no one. I do and I liked it before, I had complaints I had friends visit I went out too and had the kids visit me and me them more. I made changes but I rebuilt bridges I burnt met new people and began new life I then screwed up again! I got through the storm I faced and skated my demons too. I dealt with the two scariest demons face to face and still do when I can. I hit drugs I got off them I sold and even grew. I let bad ppl I barely knew weigh up Herion with dad living here whitnessing me next to this dude! 
Fresh out prison he was and jus cleared of that shit, I didn’t touch it of course I wouldn’t ever dare, but he didn’t even then I was proud of him n guilty for them being at mine with that drug. I always managed my addictions I always proved any jusgers wrong, I did it all when I wanted and chose and now I prefer to be high daily to carry on. I haven’t got the strength in me to pick myself up again, so many years I’ve battled myself my life my family friends different men loved lost hurt and changed, played bk everyone and others selfishly for self gain, let people get close, but if I was myself, I becum a target or easily liked and wanted but always reject it when I’ve ever been loved! I struggle so much I cry out for help but I’m so scared of living now and fighting it again Cse of how it cud pan out! I can’t loose my flat my independence my pets my life’s only good bits. I may hate my home and let it and me self go but I’ll get decorating soon enough again, once I start I dnt stop til done jus need supplies or help from somewhere or one. 
I give all my stuff away well I did once clothes, food, fags even weed n wages to everyone when paid! I supported friends bailed them out with help of Mum I helped all others out. Since when I’ve struggled each have helped along the way, but none can say they’ve understood my doings, or don’t hold grudges against me for helping others more or for forgiving the others again like before. The one I trust the most has always been Kay. Truthfully the only one never to fuck me over, always honest, always there never judged me and listens to me bk when I advise her and support her back some days. Sarah’s next but close with Sinead both hurt me bad by betraying trust different ways but hurts the same! Then soph an lastly Jess! Soph I’m close too but can’t trust as she’s fucked me over so many ways, men and life but I miss her when we seperate. Jess I can’t seem to let go forever but for different reasons personal to me, I bullied her and she still stuck around, I experimented with her  first n most n then kept sssh when she got bullied and called a lesbian she also never mentioned me out her mouth even when I joined in and spread more rumours of her and other girls round, but I hate her sly ways her snobby ways and then pity her when her life’s in flames both now single mums the man I warned them bout, gone for good  in both case sept Jess got the ring daddy and caused shit for her shit ex when he moved bk to his ex and she had her kid then the real dad stepped up n paid for the dna, soph was happy a kid engaged last I herd a year ago, to my ex’s mate and my best mate in the Unit ur nine where I met him Ashleigh Hayes, James Omar Vaughn and that small kid I dnt remember his name! Oh how everyone’s changed, soph decided to make friends with me jus the other day, only Cse it’s clear she needs me as she’s depressed and I was right she even said so when we spoke first but none that matters today, Jess I’ll never forgive for makin me out to be something I’m far from , putting it public msging my mum claiming she’s worried for my mental health after arguing all week her Mum threatening to bury me she makes our convo public edited by her it seems but how it looked for social networks to read I got comments behind my back when she blocked me from being able to see, people all slatein people talking gossiping and apprently even threatening me, bet she loved the attention that got and the comments the witch hunt she could of caused unknown to me good job the ther girls alerted me! Then that grave wrecker Emma the whore slutty cunt had the cheek mention it n comment to me I’m nasty if it’s true and look me like I’m a cunt! She got me battered and run out bective I hurt her twin not her for gossiping that cow got me hurt ruined my life and arrested and looked at me in town in Boston like I’m sick in the head yet she’s not got hurt for the sick shit she did!
 Still as mad as I get I envy each one 
they all have a child and are called a mum
they all gave birth like a women is designed too
they all felt the bond the pain the love the unconditional love no one can compare too
they all have issues they all have shit too
but single mums or not all have had that unlike me , so many people have died and each time I selfishly secretly think it’s got to be true one goes one born and one conceieves I wish I hope I ask god to bless me, but it’s not so far and when it could of been it’s ended before began and I feel like it’s never going to be. Make excuses pretend I dnt care shrug of comments of people around me even those close who know , 2 yrs from thirty and that simple wish I once always wanted and dreamed, the most simple natural thing I believed was to have kids and let them grow old with me, be like Mum n Kayla when me and Sarah both were pregnant sept she was almost due and I had jus began the journey which crushed weeks later but I soldiered through , I tried before I wished I begged I prayed I doubted I tried to jus go with the flow in life and. Hoped it wus be me one day. I only ever wanted the simple things when asked what I anted to be I answered a writer of some kind and a Mum or foster career teacher or career for kids and I wanted to be anything or anyone with a family a career teaching playing happy family life married one day and working to provide them seperate I’d add I want to be anything but like him meaning my dad as I was sick of being told I was like him, I resented him and hated vista to his as I grew I hated on him more and wished him dead even tried to find a hitman once or twice only a teen and he ruined so many peoples life’s including ruining mine once a daddy’s girl but somethings snapped and now I become so much like him like everyone said and I’m struggling to hit bk! I’ve gone through worse I know I have and then I changed my life, I faced it again the hardship times the violence drugs and suicide attempts began bk then but I snapped bk again and got strong independent and survived I have fought men twice my size survived everything been happy been stronger been great so what’s wrong with me y can’t I breathe again y can’t I get up go out and feel free not paranoid or scared or lost and fragile inside jus feel like I have no way to feel those things again Cse the times I do I cum home and I hide! I used to be crazy coley for my hyper musical mad side always dancing smiling helping others going town babysitting going shopping eating out going pub watch a game and had girlie days on sundays at the sunny side when I hung out with soph and Jess it was a ritual we did between us so we had our bitching girl time and slagged off the others in groups of friends our fellas our jobs and have a laugh, I used to go out I used to go alone I now can’t even think what day it is and barely want to leave my home when I do where’s there to go no one to meet old friends far away, all got kids and busy all day, I’m really odd one out instead of being needed and loved accepted and a friend they trust I’m now a baby sitter called when needed but Sinead I dnt mind as everyone doubted her so much but she’s made it to be happy and travel and be a Mum to her boys, I hide away Cse I am sick of being the one still with drugs around people in and out dealers in my house I’m the one who had it all watched my home burn, got back up redecorated replaced and regained my life but now I sit in a half empty home decorated so many times but never been this broke. I’m the girl who sits with the ones who I fight yet they’re all blokes.  All girlfriends hate me slate me and think I’m a crack whore or hoe, I’m the girl who beeaka up makes up fucks up gives up and forgives everyone again let them back into my home. I can’t even have my bro over night anymore or my godsons to stay here as it’s no longer a safe place they can come to and go. How did I let things slip away I thought. It was jus my relationship that had a break that I tied a knot in to rebuild a new road six month split crazy nights drugs party’s too crazy thing a happened and hurtful stuff too. I lost him his life’s long friend in a moment of madness he lied about oral from the slut downstairs that lied too and lived off my life spongeing off me y he cooked dinner not telling me y he hated her being at ours every time and didn’t want cook her food! Big blows came when all came out but we move down on to A fresh start so had have to figure shit out, then on a shoe stringed tied up life line a snag from complaints behind its now becum a battle for my life to live this dismal or not I wish I cud move home and start again now I’m ok with my man and accept his love accept mine for him accept all done and dusted and dealt with. I have to face finances cut which messes me up plus appeal to stay off work too then I have to be assessed and fights conplajnts and to keep my dog too! 
I wish I could find myself my strength again I jus need something to change and for the best and be big enough to change my attitude motivate me and begin the snapping mood I jus fear I won’t  cope I can’t as it is and this time its my life risked so much but the effect cud finish me mentally or worse my mum or Steve Cse the stress I cause is too much for anyone else’s to take mums struggling already and Steve’s blood pressures high risk as it is if he knew half what’s gone on and going on hed hit the bloody roof I’m scared ive ruins my brother and he’s going. TO hurt Mum same as me he already does at his age with his adhd or not Mum cant cope with that stress again and phase time to step up be a sister and guidebook him the better way be there’s for him and provides a second home he can go to and that’s safe! I used to be looked up to had things to make them kids proud I used to have a life and go out alone trusted or not I went out when I want ed never with the fella much as I left him with the lads etc when did I give in and give up y can’t I get myself bk up please lord please angels of mine blessing me signal me and help me Cse I’m loosing myself my mind and soon if I can’t snap I fear my life no so much in the sense of death but more everything I have left and my fur babies my pets there my kids in my eyes and all I have that’s truely mine a responsibility I’m lacking being and Doing now in life please someone help me move me bless me with a child of mine give me a reason to get up and keep going and change and get back my life’s