10 Things People tell me when I am Depressed

#1 you don’t look like yourself. I want to say this used to be me all the time. I want to tell them how much I hate feeling this way, how much it hurts me but instead I stay silent I shrug and I walk away.

#2 you know you are sleeping a lot. If I could tell you how my nightmares that are hidden behind my eyelids are better than the sun on a bright day would you believe me? If I could tell you that I can’t find the way out of the tangled blankets around my body for this feels like the only safe place in the world, would you believe me? If I could tell you that every bone in my body, every drop of blood beneath my skin tells me that I need to get up, but I just can’t, would you even believe me?

#3 Focus on the things that make you happy. You tell me that like I haven’t already tried. You tell me that like it’s the first time I’ve heard it. You tell me that like you have made the key to the gates of the promise land and that you are the only one who has ever tried that shape before. You tell me that like I am the ridiculous one for not thinking of it before today when you have enlightened me on the cure of something so beyond my pay grade because my little fragile mind could’ve never thought of something so complicated as that hypothesis. If only you knew that my depression is a thief that steals the things that make me happy and turns them into shadows. If only you knew how the shadows of the things that make me happy taunt me as I lie in my bed not able to get up.

#4 maybe you should insert a suggestion that I’ve heard a million times before here. To this I want to tell them that I have a story for them. A story of a little girl who was deathly afraid of shots. A little girl who couldn’t stand the idea of a needle going into her skin in fear that it would puncture her heart and the mind in which she keeps her deepest secrets. This little girl could not listen to reason, she knew it would just take a second, she knew it would just be a little pinch then it would be over, but still she would fight for her freedom away from the enemy. From the needle. No matter what suggestion was given she would not listen to reason. Thank you for your advice, but I’ve heard it all before.

#5 You look tired. Thank you. Thank you for being so informative on the topic of my looks and in what ways they have affected you. Thank you for telling me that the lack of concealer under my eyes makes you uncomfortable. Thank you for feeling obligated to tell me that the number of hours I slept last night, which is likely more than you have slept in the past three nights, is lacking and that I should sleep more. Thank you for letting me know that the nap I was probably going to take anyways once I got home is totally needed. Thank you for giving me another reason, another excuse to go back to the sweet sensation of the blankets of my bed wrapping me up in a warm tender embrace. I really appreciate your input, and honestly thank you. Because you have just given me another reason to stay in my bed. Forever. And for that I can’t thank you enough.

#6 Just Get Up. That is like telling someone who is freefalling to just stop. That is like telling someone who is grieving the loss of someone they love dearly to just feel better.  Saying that is like telling someone who is homeless to just find a home. Let me tell you that I have been searching for a way to pry my body from the place in which it has found its home. Like roots from a tree my body has found a way to grow down within my bed sheets, down deep within my mattress, it has found the place that it most desires, where no sharp objects can get to it, where no responsibility is needed, where it feels like it can just be itself. My body has found its garden of Eden before the sin came forth to break the picture perfect happiness that is my bed. It has found its safe haven of love and affection so of course why would my body ever want to just get up?

#7 Are you okay? Every time I hear those three little words stringed together my blood boils over, and I want to scream. No. No I am not okay. Have you ever felt like tearing through your skin like it’s a failed math test? Have you ever wanted to cry so hard that it fills up an entire room, so you just drown in your own tears? Have you ever had a dream where you go to sleep and you never wake up? Have you ever wished on a birthday candle that you will stop being you because you is not the you that you want to be anymore? Have you ever tried to speak to someone about your feelings but all that came out is little squeaks that don’t actually mean anything? Have you ever wanted to disappear in a room full of people just to watch to see if anyone would actually notice? Have you ever had all of those feelings all at once? Because if I could explain to you how okay I actually am it would be a mixture of all of those feelings and then you would probably regret you asked the question because well you weren’t exactly trying to warrant that kind of reaction, in fact you wanted a short yes or no or I don’t know or maybe answer so you can get out of the situation and just walk away. In which case I know your intentions and that is why I will not buy into this cheap way of saying I care about you but only as much as I can listen to you say yes or no or I don’t know or maybe.

#8 I understand. This one always throws me for a loop. Really? You understand? Wow. So you know what it feels like to feel like your head is being pounded into a wall everyday by something that is living inside of you but is not you? You know what it feels like to have your whole body feel numb? You know what it feels like to be staring into your closet and not even be able to make a decision as simple as what you want to wear for school that day because you just can’t seem to draw yourself away from the idea of being attached to your bed all day long? You know what it feels like to want to turn your skin into your own personal cutting board but the thought of hurting your family and friends is the only thing that stops you from doing so? You know what it feels like to try and be okay when really you feel as if you are drowning underwater and no one will be there when you finally take your last breath? You know what it feels like to have to pretend every day that you are okay and your grades are fine and that you are not stressing out constantly about having to live another day because you don’t know if you can actually achieve any of the dreams or goals you have set forth for yourself? You know what it feels like to be waiting all of your teenage years for a doctor to diagnose you with something because your genes have destined you to have something wrong with you and finally at age 18 you are diagnosed and you feel that that is the end of the battle but really it is only the start of the most dramatic uphill battle you will ever have to go through and you will either get through or you will die trying? You know what that feels like? Because I have been waiting for someone in my life to tell me that they know what all of that feels like combined on a daily basis. Until you have lived through my struggles, until you have lived through my life don’t tell me you understand. In fact, I hope you never have to understand I wouldn’t wish understanding what I’ve been through on my worst enemy because understanding means living through it. And having the scars that I am wearing on my heart constantly are not ones you would want to understand the ins and outs of. The jagged lines that scrap across my heart are ones that are irreversible, and the scar tissue within them will sometimes flare up and hurt. So no empathy is needed in this situation. Please. Don’t understand.

#9 Everything is going to be okay. Did you happen to look in your crystal ball and it told you that? How do you know? Because to be honest every day I am struggling to inhale and exhale the oxygen that my lungs so require to live and yet, everything is going to be okay. Because to be honest sometimes I lie awake at night and hope that when I fall asleep tonight I will never wake up. Because to be honest every time something unexpected in my life happens I feel like I am clinging to every single heartbeat for it could be my last. Because to be honest not knowing what tomorrow brings, the imbalance of unpredictably is my constant nightmarish hell. Every day is like walking on egg shells making sure not to step too firmly on the Earth for the dirt might just fall from under me and crash down, I am not walking on the concert foundations that everyone thinks that I am, in fact some days the dirt under my feet just feels like sinking sand in the hourglass just waiting, wanting to swallow me whole. So when you say everything is going to be okay, I don’t know what to say because to be honest my mouth is too full of sand to even respond.

#10 I’m here for you. In four little words you are saying everything that ever needs to be said. In four little words you are digging my roots out a little more, ensuring that they will be a little more unattached then they were before. In four little words you are telling me that’s it’s okay to cough the sand up into your hands. In four little words you are telling me that it’s okay not to be okay, you let me know that you accept me, depression and all. In four little words you make being awake a little brighter. You start to pour the concert foundations and help me understand that this, this is so much better than the sinking sand I have been trying to steady my feet on. How funny how powerful words can be, you speak with good intentions and yet you don’t realize what the actual effects can be. So listen, listen to the words that you are speaking, let it be known that you are the person who knows the right way to speak. Speak not only with intention but with action. Don’t pretend, just do something that everyone knows how, just be there. Be there when that person needs it, be there when that person doesn’t because that speaks more volumes than any of these words ever could.