5:48 am

i feel faded from my own life.
i haven't gone to bed yet and it's 5:48 am in the morning.
i want to touch you or an open fire or whatever will hurt me.
i want you to crush my throat or my dreams.
i feel like i'm living in a loop where the end is near,
where the road to ruin is something i swallow,
where i'm running out of time while i'm just sitting here,
barely feeling anything.
watching days tick by and tuck into autumn leaves.
i feel like i'm wasting my god-given talents 
but what's worse is i don't know how to not waste them.
like i could have been handed drugs and sex and money and id still be here,
doing nothing.
just waiting to die or for something to kill me or for you to come home and finish the deed. 
is it possible to be terrified of death
and at the same time, a ghost girl who doesn't care if shes drowning?
asking for a friend- no really.
i want to kiss you or cut you or kill myself.
and this isn't all just the same goddamn thing.