haunted by the living

i used to be sad all the time but now i'm just angry.
i'm angry that i'm up until three in the morning every single day 
with the thought of you stuck on replay,
because no matter how many times i try to shatter the record,
my record player had your voice memorized.
you're all i can hear in the quiet of my room.
you are haunting me and you're not even a ghost and i am so tired of being haunted by the living.
i am angry because every song is about you
every song brings me back to you and reminds me of your eyes
or your voice or your laugh and how it was a melody to my ears
how it was the only thing that soothed me on my darkest nights and how now,
i am implacable and my music is so loud and all i can hear is the song that's playing
but between the songs your name slips in and it kills me.
i'm so angry that you slipped away from me- no.
you didn't slip away because i held you so tight and you pried away from your ribs
and you pushed me away without any hint of goodbye and i'm so angry i let it happen again. 
because i thought this time you'd be the one who stayed but again,
someone has left me. 
and i was convinced that i was finally locked down 
but you keep getting in and i know it's my fault
because i cannot stop leaving the key under the '"welcome home" mat you bought me
and i know nothing is inviting about letting ghosts of past lovers 
inside of your very house but this is the only way i can get by
without suffocating and choking up my lungs 
and i'm afraid jay bullet holes were never just scratch the surface wounds
because i have a war zone in my head and the bullets keep grazing my chest
and there is nothing romantic about the way you force me to swallow gun powder
because i am now a ticking time bomb
and you convinced me it would save me 
but i am afraid if i hear your name i'm going to explode
and obliterate everything in my path. 
you have made me destructive 
but still i am open arms for you
and i am so truly angry at myself for letting it happen again
but i must keep you alive and the only way i can reach you anymore
is by turning off the lights and waiting for the haunting.
with tears streaming down my face and shaky hands,
i will close my curtains,
shut off the lights,
and wait. 
i am ready for your return, i'm not scared anymore.
haunt me, please.