A FEELING
I’ve been addicted to a feeling for a long time.
I need to live outside that feeling from the inside of my heart.
I need to stream from another source other than my vein
And see my value beyond the high, beyond that lofty
Imagery as my euphoria is consumed by the real world
And I return to the desolate place of my real life;
Which, thus far, I have been unable to coup.
When the coke, the meth, the whatever
Releases my tangible entity back into a fucked-up world
I have no safe haven, no sanctuary in which to squat.
Yeah, God doesn’t want me either, because I didn’t ask.
I have misplaced parts of my life and all of my family and friends!
Opportunities disappeared in a moment...love, happiness, joy;
They disappeared in the cracks my attitude created.
I never heeded that voice as my whims were ethereally
Rendered into wisdom then translated into a way of escape.
Rather I returned again and again to “the feeling”;
Still chasing that first high, that elusive enigma, my demon.
I left today;
My life sucked through the last pull on the pipe.
….and now I don’t feel shit.
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Comments
WOW!! WOW!! VALERIE!!.....I didn't recognize you because of your name..... Is it different now?...... anyway, I found you right in time for this brilliantly honest foray into the world of addiction and "Chasing The Ghost"......A plethora of excellent and VERY insightful phrases running throughout this piece ~
~ "Imagery as my euphoria is consumed by the real world
And I return to the desolate place of my real life..."
Lines like those have SO MUCH to impart to reader.... when you find a moment of clarity after chasing that first amazing 'buzz' users find their lives in shambles..... having lost their families trust..... lost their jobs..... their wives or husbands....... lost all of their money...... and on and on!!.... you captured the essence of the nightmare that is addiction at its worst!!.......A truly sad ~ yet STELLAR piece of poetic prose!!......PINNED!!.,....I missed you around here VAL!......I pray that this is not written from personal experience but from first hand info!!..... Because I know how terribly demeaning and hateful to one's self esteem this experience can be...... you torture yourself over it!!.......I went through it in the 80's and wound up in a psych-ward after a suicide attempt!!.....I thank God I was able to kick it with the support of some VERY understanding friends and family!!..... again, an honestly Brilliant piece of poetic prose!!........ Lots of Love to you and yours!!.......T xo ?✴❤
Hi Tony! Thanks so much for your comments. Yes, It is from personal experience...7 personal years for me. I was addicted to a feeling. I chased that first high, that first hit of coke and it ghosted me at ever turn. Then, I woke up one day after being told by an evangelist that all I had to do was ask God to remove the burden from me. I did and HE did. So, I went to seminary and became a minister and started visiting inmates here in Illinois. I was just thinking about how far I have come and decided to write this piece as "thank God" I am still here!
val
Val...our stories... our paths in life...... are quite similar......I used to live in Chicago...... it's where so many Great things...... and so many dark things occurred in my life..... We should talk some time!!.....I too thank God that I'm still here...... still struggling with my purpose.......PM me some time....I think I'd like that!!...... Sharing can be quite inspiring!!....... talk soon!!...... your cyber-friend and admirer.........T xo ?✴❤
Tony.... Yes...the struggle continues with me also. I was supposed to get married last year. Well that was a bust and a shock and a terrible hurt. Had to traverse many emotions...some I wanted to hold on to which would have destroyed me. The good thing is that I had diabetes but it is gone....85 lbs lighter....and returning to my good life.
We are truly blessed!
val