A Journey for Truth

We are so many stories and yet none.

Ten years of friendship.

Ten years of silence and distance.

Who are we?

Your poetry confused me.

It's your language, not mine.

I could never believe with certainty anything was written about me.

I'm not the woman of your dreams. You were just the boy in mine.

--

Rejected at fifteen and twenty.

At twenty-five:

You're my beloved friend who I could never lose, humiliate myself over falling for again.

But the dream I had was not romantic.  I just interpreted it that way.

As I longed to just be your friend, you proved to be lacking of what I wanted.

I went from feeling you didn't care, to believing it.

I knew and still know.. that I do not know why you linger in silence,

You suffer alone and yet entertain others with drums and puns

I wanted friends who were tangible, who talked and visited with me.

You were silent when I wanted you.  Over the years, I let go. And over the years, a man walked in. 

Over the years, I broke their hearts and they broke mine.

I realized this friend I had had helped me believe in love again. Appreciate it.

He loved me and in my vulnerability I fell for him. After a few weeks, he visited.

After a few months we decided to commit.

You told me at your show your phone had been broken the last three months. I told you I was moving to Washington and was not talking with guys individually anymore, I was respecting my new boyfriend's wishes- loved him too much to do otherwise.

Within days, packing and saying goodbyes.. This boyfriend's impatience grew,

Suffocated me with jealousy and paranoia of me moving further away from LA. He was worried about the guys I would meet. If only he had understood my heart. I loved him.

I loved him. But neither of us had peace in the process of my move. 

I let him go.

When I saw you.  I was so confused.

I loved him.  You ignored me for months.  (As I saw it)

I wanted you to understand I had loved you years ago. But no longer did. Did not have the heart to throw away the collages inspired by you.  I gave some to you. Of course I still loved you. Always did. But not romantically.
 

You said we would keep in touch.

Of course we didn't.

--

I let go. (But held on to caring about you as a person.. thought of you like a brother that rarely talks)

A man walked in.

Just like the last, he loved me.

But he was rough.. legalistic in his religion.

I felt no grace for when I was weak..

I felt I had to be perfect.

The idea of sex from his kissing.. just seemed painful. 

He hinted of marriage. I said we needed to get to know each other.

I got physically sick and emotionally drained from transferring to work with sex offenders.

He made me feel more tired. Talking..  I did not feel comfort, I did not feel we were more than friends. I was forcing myself to love him.

I let go.

A man walked in.

And out.

Then I met a man. A Hindu.. amazingly beautiful, incredible man.

We just remained friends.

---

Now.. with friends.. with life.

I see the irrelevancy of my story.

And yet am learning to appreciate it more. Appreciate you.

See you.

See everyone.

See myself.

The truth.

I think the truth is my eyes are opening.

I am here in Washington for a reason.

I am weak. And it is by God's grace that I succeed despite my failures, that I am alive, that I have joy and peace and passion for helping others. It is with his strength that I will love others.

And I love you.

I don't understand how and am often frustrated with "why?"

But pray for my understanding of the truth.

--

When I was 15 and believed God wanted me to "give you up indefinitely" for Him.  It was the hardest decision, hardest action of my life.

I said goodbye. Painfully, I chose God as Abraham showed his love for God over his fear of losing Isaac.

That was when things made sense in a way. I saw myself more capable of helping people with both hands than if I was walking around holding yours. 

But then.. Over the years I felt I wasn't good enough for you.

Invisible.

You didn't need or want me.

..

Two years ago.. I realize you voiced that you needed me.  But you never said you wanted me.

You said you love me in your vulnerability.

And then you disappeared.

I still struggle with that. Why?

I worried so much for you, dear friend.

Then I became vulnerable and you weren't there. My friend reached out and I broke his heart as we know.

.

Recently,

You've said you would like to develop the "conversational relationship in steps".

You would love to get to know my heart better.

Dear God.

Where are these steps?

When?

Another five, ten years?

My heart is too tired to flirt with others. But am encouraged by motivation of those who encourage.

I don't know what to believe.

I wish you were here.

Looking at your poetry. I see patience in waiting.

Is this it?

But indefinitely?  When do we stop? When do we meet?

I could handle a few months but ten years?  How long.. if you love me.. how long have you loved me..

I never believed you did. I thought I did once and your made me think otherwise.

Now.

I just don't know.

Perhaps you never did.

We are friends.

But perhaps you are thinking about it.

We are getting old.

My memories wax and wane.

Help me let go.

Or walk in.

Your grace, beauty.. intelligence, kindness, love.. passion, gentleness..

Dear man

This is why I cannot let you go.

Regardless of who we are.

I will always love you for you.

I just pray

For us. That the pieces will come together sooner than later.

I do not know the bigger picture.

But I miss you. As my friend.. I just want to talk.

You say you want to develop the "conversational relationship"

What the hell does that mean when you don't talk?

Help me.

Help me hold on, wait, with hope and faithfulness and joy if this is right.

-

sometimes I wonder the morbidity of my thoughts..

Waiting on my dog to die?

Is that what the dream shows.. Why?

Waiting and waiting and he lives beyond the average age..

Still alive.

And then sorrow will strike the world( or my world?), it will become dark

Yet I will have the greatest peace as I seek the Lord in the midst of this pain

The peace will encompass me

I will run

and run

and go up a mountain on my own.

And go down the other side.. meet you coming up.

We shared that peace.. we shared conversation. Like the most natural thing in the world.

Friends or more?

I can't say.

The future is anyone's guess.

But  I know you care. I know I love you and I think you love me.

Perhaps you have your eyes on another woman as I have done with men over the years.

But as a person.. I have faith you appreciate and love me.

It's a mess.

It always has been.

I'm sorry.

God will reveal his plan

I have to trust Him

Forgive me for my doubts along the years

Let's do this.

One day at a time.

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