A SILVER LINING

Sometimes from the darkest times there is a silver lining
a sense of deepest despair to a time of clarity and hope.
There have been times I did nt believe I could go on anymore.
I have anxiety, I have panic attacks, I have agoraphobia. 
Depression sets in  because of these, I never wanted to be like this though
I get angry with myself because I believe the only cure for 
them is belief in yourself,to say to yourself you can do this 
and go on and do it. (I have tried the meds) for me they 
never worked because I always fought against them not going
with them, I guess I just wanted to be me without feeling I was having 
a synthetic dose of Serotonin (a natural mood stabilizer  our bodies produce)
I know we are all different and for some people the meds work for them
and that s great, I m not anti medication, I just know from my own experiences
that I have had good times, being free from mental illness without them.

Losing people I love has been the worst for me, the pain in grief is 
like nothing else, it drags you down to the deepest darkest hole and it takes a lot of
self preservation to climb back up,It can be done though everyone grieves differently
but there are stages you go through before you accept what has happened,
whatever people say, time is indeed a great healer.
I will always love and miss my loved ones 
but I know in my heart I will see them when it is my time.

Faith in God was nt a big part of my life growing up but I always believed 
in him, I have had many experiences showing me he is around me 
and I am so thankful that he is there, never giving up on me,
as I have given up on myself many times,only to be given a sign
that I have reason to be here.God is good!

Writing out my feelings in poetry has been a wonderful help 
I can not emphasize enough the good that comes out of it,
 and I feel blessed that I am able to release my feelings on to a page
that otherwise I would hold inside, where they would fester until 
I was back in that dark horrible depressive state.
Writing has been my silver lining, it has brought a new meaning to my life 
it has awakened a part of me that I thought was forever dead
I have hope, I have clarity, and for the first time in many years I see a future.
I have no illusions that I am cured,but at the moment life is good 
I have belief in myself, I have purpose, I have focus, and I am thankful

I tried to change this to a story, I know it is not a poem,I just wanted 
to share a little of me,to give people who suffer mental illness hope.
Hope that things can get better, after thirty one years on and off of having it myself