A Thin Line

See my heart just does not connect to my mind . I'm always searching for things that I can never find. But Time after time , I really did try. I’ve even accepted lust when I knew I wanted love. But in reality I think it was just  myself that I didnt wanna trust . Because every relationship I had just feels like it's rushed , like it’s a MUST & my heart always ends up crushed. So I give myself time, time to accept me for me.. but this time ... this time is different.  Maybe I’d came to my senses. Not giving a fuck that it took a minute. All I could think was “If I don't love myself how can anybody ?” But you were no where near better than me & thats why i fucked with you. AND NOWWWWW You don't want my love ? Fuck that! If I say that I love you, I'm not taking that back .  But You expect for me to fall victim to your sweet nothings , when I know they ain't shit. And when I get the courage to speak I come off as a bitch ... because you think that I'm wrong for everything I say. But in my opinion I just wish we could go back to the first day... the first day that we met so I can tell you this....."My name is Carla & I don't want that "LOVE" shit. . so if you plan on loving me, you can keep that introduction, I don't want to know you..". And THAT feeling right there has me questioning this shit again..  Is love a curse or a blessing ? Is it a forever after or a lesson? Am I missing out? Did I choose the right route?  See my heart just does not connect to my mind 💯💔 im sorry ‼️