Again

I don't know where to go with this 
I don't know how to be
It's typical of me to bury things
To hold on and not let them free
I stirred up so many memories
Of a life that I haven't grieved
I allowed myself to falter 
And it's shaken what I believed
I can see the familiar patterns 
In the new life I chose to create
Leaving me frozen in time
Procrastinating, full of debate 
I chose something so similar 
It's almost laughable to me
In turmoil now I try to deny
This isn't how it's supposed to be
I'm having to rearrange my heart
To hold space for a deep pain
Fighting to catch my breath
I don't want to do this all again