Anxiety Is a Train And I Am Tied to the Tracks

I am three and I am shaking
Squeezing my eyes shut to the dust and the sun and the cold tile and
I am in the corner
Breathing heavy
I want it to stop
I am six when I tell my best friend I donβt want to wake up some mornings
She thinks I mean drowsy
I mean Iβve been alive for half a decade and Iβm tired of it
I mean maybe my birth is a mistake
Maybe Iβm not meant to be here, alive
I am nine and I am hiding
Behind boxes and under chairs and in dark rooms
I hide behind books and step inside them
I become invisible so I can disappear into my head
I hide my body so my mind can run and run and run and run
I am twelve but I donβt feel I really am
I am still nine and hiding and I am still six
And I still donβt want to wake up some mornings
I may still be three
Shaking in the corner
I am fifteen and anxiety runs through my body like a train
Rips through my chest and into my limbs
I canβt breathe for an hour in the toilet stall
I canβt make the noise in my head stop
The noise and the train and I canβt breathe
I am eighteen and the train made my body too tired
I am carnage, bent metal and black smoke
I am six and I donβt want to wake up in the morning
I am hiding behind boxes and praying I donβt wake up in the morning
I am three against cold tile praying
I am twenty-one and I began to reassemble the pieces of my body
I put together my arms and legs and made them stronger
I still hide in dark rooms and disappear into books
But this time I donβt let the train tear my chest in two
And I hope I wake up in the morning.
Β

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Comments
Excellent verse, very well writtenΒ
Wow Miss Johnson!!β¦..this is TRULY compelling poetic prose.....delivered in a VERY clever narrative form!!β¦...this tale of abuse and anxiety is so subtly delivered that I had to read it through twice....because it becomes SO much more powerful on the second read....the imagery is profound!!β¦..I pray that this is a fiction...but somehow I know that it is not.....I hope that putting the pieces back together has been a great healing process for you.....and if it is a fiction....even more brilliant!!β¦...ALL STARS!!β¦..truly sad.....beautifully delivered!!β¦...LOVE & ROCKETS!!β¦β¦.T xoΒ : )
This is one of the best compliments Iβve ever received on my poetry, thank you so much. Poetry written according to ones own life experiences is my favorite; thatβs all I write, what I know.