Ashes To Asylums

When i was 15 i was diagnosed with a disorder known as "schizoaffective".

Basically what that means is that i was schizophrenic and had bipolar tendencies.

The very first time i walked into a doctors office i told them i could feel my brain sloshing around in my head like oatmeal. They seemed pretty amazed that i was still walking around on this planet.

They sent me to a psychiatric hospital for 2 weeks, where they explained to me that my mind had chemical imbalances and a fluctuation of dopamine. what i heard was my mind was tainted with the natural state of demons and these rose gold palm trees i see in my day dreams were just imaginations.

they gave me 6 different band aids to take 3 times a day. I felt like a zombie, i could wake up at 7 and take the medication that they basically force feed down your esophagus and by 9am i could feel my energy splurge out of me like an alcoholic pouring their 3rd rum and coke. i was stuck in the cycle of asylum treatments. I was the cycle.

A dysfunctional pattern embedded in my mind to help the underlying problem of a too vivid imagination. In a world where they sugar coat the garbage and filth, i wasn't interested in their wastebasket approvals. I planned my escape 6 times in the first 24 hours, all of them leading me to a false sense of freedom. They treated me like a monster and gave me so many different chemicals i started to feel like one.

I started to feel the rage of a hopeless psychotic trapped in an underworld where hope is about as common as an ice cube in hell. I could feel my brain waves travel through EEG machines and pump my blood like an unfiltered pool filling with chlorine. The chemicals kicked in. i started hallucinating. i seen the brain matter spill out of my ears and drip off of my body like sweat drops. I could feel the stinging sensation of my skin melting off of every limb, one by one. i could see myself falling. I could hear multiple bones simultaneously snap and splinter like old tree branches. This is the end.

I remember dying. 

It is all too vivid, i walked out of there a changed person. a different body walking this earth. 

After not seeing sunlight for 2 weeks i stared into the rays of the bright bay area sunshine and seen those rose gold palm trees i had dreamt of. I seen myself in the reflection of a passing car and i watched the old me drive away with it. I felt like a million dollars, medication free and doused with diamonds. This is me.