Calling to an end

Today is sunny, but I am cold inside,
Unmoved by the bright day,
My life is my own,
Even darkness that has been with me since childhood.

What reason is there to continue?
My life has been rich, embroidered with lovers and friends,
Even a husband once, and a child who is grown now.
I am littered with bipolar, addiction, a failed suicide attempt, deformed feet.

Painful to walk now,
Even after surgery for correction,
Deformity prevails.
Missing the joy of a long walk.

Prescription pills for bipolar,
Sometimes abused for a medicated high.
Don’t drink anymore,
Makes me sick to my stomach, even one shot, one drink.

Pot is too expensive,
I am on a fixed income.
Can’t afford that luxury, that escape.
Just as well, I get nothing accomplished with it.

This will pass, I tell myself, and that usually works
To get me through another day.
Until I make a positive connection,
Then the darkness retreats, but never leaves.

It is lonely here today,
I have a roommate, but she is gone for now.
Which I generally prefer
Over her severely introverted depression.

Living alone is comfortable to me,
I don’t feel lonely often,
It surprises me when I do.
Reading, listening to music, playing word games, keep loneliness at bay.

I have had a wonderful life, filled with ups and downs.
Aging is hard.
Don’t know if I like it much
I have already outlived my mother.

Today is hollow, cold, exhausting.
I will probably trick myself into another day.
“Hope dies last,”
Which may be the only reason I have left.