Cancer

Today I wake up with my heart so heavy,  why can't I be excepted? Why dont anyone like me? Is it because i stay focused ? And keep my eye on the prize? Or because i continue be real instead of living in lies? Or or because i dont wear all that crazy dark makeup shit trying to hide my true being in disguise Is it because I carry my bookbag filled with with the tools I need to succeed because I keep my head in the books continuing to read trying to be somebody, being a better person then who I was yesterday while y'all worried bout who's who's dressing in high class clothes who's legs were spread first whos  got nicer clothes?  Does that even matter ? Guess we are all some how trying to climb that invisible latter, I guess being  in high school unfortunately  sometimes that's how the story  goes,  but who knows,  sometimes people are for you "some" that is while others continue to throw you on a roller coaster judging you bout your high and your lows continuing to wash away the good make you feel like scum like your on the ground being repeatedly stepped on like an old eatin dirty piece of gum,   ya know?  Yet some how your feelings that cause you to just wanna belong so you get excited and feel so good but then again feel so wrong but you've been waiting for this day for so long  , that you finally have that happy high of acceptance  is that so wrong ? class starts and there's that new guy you know the one with the glasses the one who's so focused on all his classes who never misses tests and always gets them good ass grades,  Hey nerd?  I'm appauled by what I just heard I'm uncomfortable  by the judgement it's a bit obbserd why he gotta be a nerd cause he wears glasses?  Man I bet he feels so outta place?  Cause he gets better grades then you do and makes it on time to all his classes, is that such a crime him being on time?   Settle down now this is getting outta line,  These questions I continue to ask myself,  I'm a bit nervous cause I stood up for what I believe was right,  look out bitch after class meet me by my locker we gonna end this,  swallowing so hard made me feel worse like I tried to take matters into my own hands couldn't get worse like someone cast me with a crazy ass curse,  bell rings and in the hall I'm aquanted by the person whom I thought accepted me for me yet fought me because I stuck up for somebody , Next day was a haz for me like a grey cloud that just hung over me where your boyfriend bitch?  I heard from a far I walked further down the hall hey bitch my body started to twitch I got scared swallowed so hard,  hey wheres that retard?  I  turned around my heart pumping hard the rush of anger was just to much I looked at this person with a blank stare my body felt so hot and boiling like a pressure in my chest and then I knew what was next,  the voice of me standing  up for myself came out  look at you with that fake ass smile you think because your dresses are short and you wear them big ass heels that you are accepted or think your accepted?  We'll honestly ummmm.  I can def blow your cover tell the princible you snort sell your my moms crazy pills come on I mean let's be real  here you  know that so called nerd you picked on yesterday and many times before?  We'll he committed suicide because he couldn't take your negative ass shit no more now his family gotta sell their house and move on from all this  congrats this shit just might make the press cause now you gotta fix your big ass mess because you think your lil miss fuckin priss yeah you heard me right you better go figure out your shit cause honestly this school has had enough of it better check yourself because not all of us are loud and crazy and spread our business like you we about our future not acceptance now excuse  me while I plan this obituary and express my condolences never will I follow you I'm gonna be bout me and do as I need to do and spread the word about bullying that causes teen suicide because this shit right here should never be dynied and these teens should never hide for these bullies need to be identified. Waking up one day with a feeling you just cant shake leaves you uncertain of the days  that lie ahead how much more can you take?   that dam appointment keeps running through your head,it's as if time stands still in docs words repeating in your head ,looking at the fact you might be living your last days makes you look at your life in so many different ways,  what's the deal  it's Cancer and it's real some many think it's easy yet chemo therapy makes you feel so queasy, worries so many questions I can't just sit here,  How could this happen,  why me,  did I do something wrong I sometimes feel I don't belong , I'm slowly starting to lose my hair,  ugh look at me I'm a mess I have nothing to wear all my clothes are big and baggy ugh look  I'm so very thin  you feel as though you just can't win trying to be in your thoughts yet you haven't a clue where they end and begin? why do these things happen how did it all start ,  why do I feel my whole entity world fell apartl?  why am I getting all these transfusions ? Why is my brain foggy like I'm out of solutions?  Medicine and steroids leave me so hungry why God why do I continue to feel crumby,  I don't wanna give up but the fighting gets harder i just want it to go away go away Cancer go away I say, Hope to one day become stronger I can't deal with all this pain feels I can't go much longer, God this isn't my last day please take this pain away I don't wanna go on but I don't wanna go out this way?  some days I'd sit up in my head although sitting up was hard sitting up in my bed,  as I look out my window in my head shades of grey in this damn hospital bed is where I continue to stay hoping tomorrow sees to a better days ahead and for cancers enjoyment hope I don't wake up dead , not being my role as a mother sister and aunt in wife  is something I dread  swear man swear on my life something that continues to run through my head thank you God for I woke up that to me is a  beautiful day and I look at today as my journey to live on, chemo radiation  has given me determination as I continue this fight damn man you we're so strong thinking you could possibly help me yet continued to keep me trapped for so long,  365 24/7 these are my days that I hold so dear ,Wow I'm in remission it's been 6 years  I'll continue to remain strong continue to strive on  remain aware of my survival  the scars that we're once hidden  I'll tell my story it won't be forbidden  for those we're my darkest days don't wanna relive them I'm not ashamed of my skin not ashamed of completion  you are gorgeous to me look in the mirror and own up to purity listen and take advice from friends whom we're once perfect strangers God thank you, you me brought to the light imma win y'all imma win this fight,  it's family it's resources it's that one true friend who will continue to have your back to the very end  continue to strive on my friend I know your scared I know you hurt no need to pretend though you are going through pain does not mean you can't regain,  life's what we make it let's see these days through as we go through this living Hell called Cancer as we fighters fight to continue to be well  and see our days through we can't lose no more babies we can't continue to lose our love ones and family Damn it Cancer you we're  my story now your my enemy.