can't be optimistic forever can I?
It’s been 15 years of optimism,
Now the severity and reality of my situation has finally hit me.
15 years I’ve faced this realism.
15 years I’ve smiled back at the world.
15 years without pessimism!
So why now is it that my mind thinks I’m losing this battle.
My inner battle of my life.
For 12 years with the mother of my kids.
12 years of struggle and strife.
12 years of forgetting and just getting on with our seemingly happy world,
My boys,
Myself and my wife.
When she then cheated and left my boys and I,
I became a mum as well as a dad,
As she only sees my cherished little boys 2 or 4 nights a month.
But then thos Christmas was 9!
For my kids,
This makes me so sad.Â
This was never the life I wanted for them,
The one we now have.
Although the four of us boys are now happier than we’ve ever been,
Especially with all the love and smiles,
 mixed with chaos and laughter the 3 of them bring,
I usually feel like I can’t be beaten by my cancer or anything.Â
I not going to lie though,
As life with kids and terminal cancer is a hard one to lead,
But no matter how i feel on the inside,
For my boys and my loved ones,
Family and friends,
I’ll always try my hardest to succeed.
I’ll always break through the pain and tears though with smiles on the outside..Â
For 3 years now though I feel like my body is saying,
“give up,
Abort",
As feel I’ve depleted my optimisms whole lifetimes store.
Cracks in my tough exterior and interior are showing,
Feels like Realism is sinking in forever and more.
I don’t want to leave this planet yet though,
That I know for sure.
Cracks now showing,
 as deep as my tough inner core.Â
Not understanding why it’s taken till now to come knock,
Knock,
Knocking on my lifes door.
Feels like the grim reaper is lurking round the corner,
Realism in this situation is a horrible thing,
Mind over working,
That’s for sure!
How can i get back my optimism?
That’s the only way through this.
To ride lifes storms,
But how when all of a sudden,
full of pessimistic realism.
I don’t know how to be rid of this damn pessimism!
How do I get out of this now set in kind of depression?
Don’t worry though as still smiling through it all as my life still has to go on!
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Comments
An amazing testament to your strength in life, god bless and god speed my friend.Â
J
thank you but just doing what I believe any other would do in my situation. I just voice my ways through poetries release... as I've said in a previous comment to sparrowsong i think, I'm useless at finding time to read too many others. I do try but theres never enough hours in the day it seems at times
in that respect I'm crap so am sorry but thank you again for your words
After reading your poem, I had to go outside, I stood on the porch with the cold wind blowing on my face thinking about the words you wrote. How much love you have given to your family and still find a way to write such a powerful poem, full of optimism, some sadness and some worry about the future. All we can do is try hard to make it through the day. Each day is a gift. We are all born to die, but that doesn't mean we have to go quietly in the night. Keep fighting to stay alive, get out often and spend as much time with your children and your family. Just know, you are not alone in your fight.Â
I'll keep you and your family in my prayers at night.Â
I believe wholeheartedly that in our darkest of hour in life, God will reveal himself, the pain of our earthly life will fade into a backdrop of insecurities, the heavens will open up in the most beautiful of light, there will be all your friends and family, who have journey to Heaven before you. Then, once it is your turn, you will never be alone.Â
Keep up the fantastic writing & sharing your life with each of us.Â
Â
Again thank you. It helps so much to release my emotions. No matter which 1. I hate this feeling of being in limbo but will get my answers at 8am tomorrow...
thank you and will make it a year I read and comment more back to people on here xx
You are a terrific writer; the poem was emotion packed. Left me shedding a few tears. I could see you playing with your children, trying to remain strong. Good luck at the doctors. There is a lot of outstanding medical treatments for cancer nowadays. Hang in there and know, you have support of us writing friends. From Ohio, I'll keep you in my prayers. I believe God listens.Â
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Each to their own in what we believe so thank you for your prayers. My mum and her church pray for me as well. Unfortunately I've grown up in a world that has mixed beliefs. More so now than ever so unfortunately believe too much in science, facts and history... I do however hold a lot of celtic beliefs. Not the far fetched beliefs like those of the bible but more so on fate and the fact we all have same fate in the beginning as in we are all conceived and we all have the same fate as in we all die. It's what you do, if you can, inbetween that matters. I'd like to think there was a heaven but no one knows till we pass. If 1 religion says 1 thing and another says the opposite, which one is right? Their answers come from their beliefs'. Is why I hold no religion. I'm sorry to admit this but even if I was of a religious. J would have lost faith many years ago. Living the way I do is right for me and don't like being restricted to rules that aren't laws. I see all religion as a scaremongering tactic to get people to believe. Why go through life worrying if you are going to heaven or hell? Just adds to many of lifes worries when no one again knows what happens. I really hope this hasn't offended you as is just my opinion and view. thank you for supporting me through my chaos of a life through poetry but have just been given bad news again so another one will be up soon if I can just get my head out of the sand. Once again my joker card toying with my life again xx