Cocaine

Cocaine

I love like cars hitting bodies,

like bodies hitting pavement,

like fists pounding flesh,

hard.

So I gave you all of my insides

in a brown paper bag,

soaked bottoms burst juice boxes,

like moms pre-packed preschool lunches.

Neon sticky notes with black ink hearts type of love.

Everybody else could see it type of love.

Laced my I love you’s in cocaine

placed it in syringes

just so you could shoot it to your veins,

without the addict in you there was no need for me type of love.

Dealer and fiend type of love.

I gave you love.

And I've never wanted someone so bad

that I erased memory,

cleared my hard drive

brought a new mother board just to make room for you.

And since you're gone Now there's nothing left.

just shallow graves,

your fingers still sitting on top of dirt,

nose still poking through soil taking last breaths.

There isn't a moment when I am not tempted to grab shovels ends

dig up dead decaying bodies

but I know that it won't look the same if we gave it life again

I just want you here sometimes.

Times when I am tempted to give my heart away

to any unassuming boy

with kind words and compliments passing me by.

My fault has always been trusting that this time my heart won't be as treacherous as Jeremiah spoke of.

That I can direct my own foot steps

but they always seem to lead me in wrong directions

to boys who aren't really ready to be the men I need

and so I've hidden it from myself.

It's Not so easy to give away a heart hidden in the depths and darkness of ones own self.

If they can figure out where I’ve left it

they can keep it.

I know the work it'll take to dig up a heart so enraged and covered in red Passion.

Work.

I just wonder if you ever get the undying urge to kiss me,

wrap arms around me like blankets,

like infinity.

Do you ever have the urge to pick pocket my thoughts

for the times I make like May Boatwright

tucking letters in between the stone wall of my spine,

letters written to the little girl I lost in me years ago.

Do you ever cry for her?

Do you ever place a boulder the size of guilt on your chest

and drown yourself in sorrow for her,

weep for her?

Well, i do 

the Reality is I cannot say I love you anymore without your face burning a hole in my memory.

I'm waiting for the day when my "I love you's" don't wear your face

and sound like they belong to only you.

It's just here in all of the mountains of this vessel I had these green stones, gems,

Jade.

You found them,

extensive searches and excavations,

You found them.

These caves are all empty now

just hallow and dark

and the light you've assumed has not enough power to lighten this tenebrific being anymore.

I'm just here like Sega genesis.

 One of the firsts. 

An antique, memorabilia and good memories.

Something no one really wants anymore but everyone wants to look at 

as if it were gold.

No more games to play

just this body

loving like mothers birthing still born babies,

hard.