Conversation With an Alien

I Love your big-ass black eyes.

"Why, thank ya!" It said. "You know, alotta humans shit their pants when they see em, but you know, they actually work a helluvalot better than your basic human eyeballs."

I figured as much. I bet you can see in the dark.

"Dude! Not only that, but I can see micro-organisms, as well as a bird flying 3 miles away. And I ain't talkin' no big-ass turkey buzzard, neither, but
little-ass sparrows and hummingbirds. Li'l bitches like dat, I can see dem fuckers."

Far out, man!  And look at your tiny little body!  I saw you floatin' around in the Aether, like you're swimming. I bet that's awesome.

"Yeah, it's pretty cool. I actually made this body m'self.  A little carbon,
hydrogen, and nitrogen  -- wham, bam, thank ya ma'am --  I can leave it anytime I want. And it'll keep forever, well, as long as I don't accidentally set it on fire. There's nothing you can do with that."

Reckon not, but that's awesome.
​​​​​       I wish I had a body like that. Mine's all hairy and I hate it.  I collect alotta dirt and grime if'n I ain't always groomin' it, and I get these Ren and Stimpy hairs. Way more maintenance than it seems worth. It's really just a pain in the ass.

"Dude, I totally know what you're talking about; that's the same type o' body I had last time I was human. But buck up little camper, once you leave that body ... well, all I can say is the birds'll be jealous of where you've gone to."

No shit?

"No shit."

Wow, that makes me feel good. I mean, last week, I knew I was already runnin' late for da school bus, prolly 'bout ten minutes. There was still a chance I could make it; on account of, well, sometimes the bus was late too.
       But just one quick glance in the mirror, and all bets were off!  Not 2, but 3!  3 hairs growin' out the top o' my ear!!! 

"Well , we most certainly couldn't have that, now, could we?" It sympathized, "People would stare; at your ear!!!"

Only one way around it. They had to be extracted.

"And a proper, successful extraction takes ...."

Time. Time. Time.  My constant bane; my ball and chain.
       Are you taking me home now?

"Yeah. We'll prolly come kidnap you in about 8 months, 2 weeks, and 3 days, so just take it easy."

Thanks man. And thanks for not butt-raping me.

"Not a problem. Shiiiiiit, we've been watching your life, long time, and we've decided that both psychologically and mathematically, you're the last person that needs anymore butt-raping - literally or metaphorically. The world seems almost overly fond of your
ass."

Yeah, I know. And they won't even warm it up first. Punk-ass bitches!

"Well, like I said, just take it easy.  This planet here's a galactic boot camp for all good folk like you, to graduate and join the rest of the universe in perfect seven-chord harmony."

Heeey, you mean like Seventh Heaven? Is that where that term comes from?

"Mayhap I do, young whippersnapper, and mayhap it does." It said, tenderly patting my head.

Wow! That's the best news I ever heard, ever!

"And remember this if nothing else: When times get hard and life seems rough, you find yourself a good book and you read that book, Young Laddy Jim Bob Sonny Boy. Follow this and what I say, and your fear and pains will fade away."

Just like that?

"Just like that. This planet Earth - Great Gaia of the Milky Galaxy - has granted you two precious gifts to guide you to the Other Shore, Young Laddy Boy, and those two gifts are the ability to read, and the mind to understand it.
​​​​​       "Now, when do you call it quits, and say, 'to hell with reading'?"

Never!

"That's my Young Laddy Jim Bob Tammy ... Sonny Boy!  The Sacred Sluts of Sol, The Tribes of the Moon, and the Great God Three, will indeed, embrace you. Peace to you and yours, Young One, even in the midst of chaos."

An old forgotten dream; are there memories more divine? Or mayhap an old forgotten memory, buried by time and dubbed a dream? All I know is I made a vow - a promise of sorts - to a most cosmic friend of old; that I would never stop reading.
       Well, fiction or non, I did keep that promise. Always had some book or another I was reading. It kept me focused. It kept me mindful. And most important, through the madness of the 12-year long, man-made maelstrom - Mankind's Most Malicious Mutual Butt-Raping Ever, metaphorically speaking, known smartly as  World War Third of Three - what matters most: all that reading kept me sane.